“Fanny packs for marsupials,” he said, “give me your thoughts.”
“Redundant, Daddy,” I said, laughing. There was a pause and he started laughing as well. “I love you, Daddy,” I told him and wished him good night.
***
I met the fourth boy about three weeks later. I was coming home from the grocery store. It was Friday night and I was going to make a nice dinner, drink a bottle of wine and do a final edit on my book. I was looking forward to the night, it had been a long week. I rounded the corner and there, on the floor in front of the door across the hall was a boy. Sitting cross-legged, his back against the wall, ear buds in, book open on his lap.
I walked to my door and he didn’t look up. He seemed content so I went inside. I unpacked my groceries, opened the wine and set it out to breathe, but I couldn’t stop thinking about the boy in the hall. I decided to see if he was still there. I opened my door and peeked out. At the same time, he looked up from his book and stretched his arms up over his head and... he looked me right in my eyes. I froze. He smiled. My heart slammed against my chest. He took his ear buds out.
“Hi,” he said, how are you?” I was a little befuddled.
“I’m...” I stammered, “Good, I’m good.”
“Great,” he said and put his buds back in. I watched him and I couldn’t just go back inside. I stepped across the hall and spoke to him.
“Excuse me,” I said, he looked up and pulled his buds out, “do you live here?’ He nodded. I was about to ask why he was sitting in the hall when he pointed to the tie on the door knob. “Oh, I see.”
He laughed a very easy laugh. He didn’t seem put out that he was not able to go into his apartment. He seemed content to read and listen to music on the hall floor. I found him very interesting, very intriguing, very... Oh, who am I kidding, I thought he was gorgeous. I stood looking at him, saying nothing, just looking.
“I’m Nathan,” he said standing and extending his hand. I took it and told him my name. “You’re the girl across the hall,” he said, like it was my title.
“I... Yes, I am the girl across the hall.” Still not sure what that meant, apart from my local in the building in relation to his place but, it felt like there was more to it. “Is there a story behind the girl across the hall?” I asked and he laughed.
“Not a story,” he said, “the other guys have said... You know... have you seen the girl across the hall... That kind of thing.” He suddenly seemed very uncomfortable. I assumed he, like the others, thought I was a freak because of my father’s laughing hat and because I asked the making out couple to get off my door.
“Ah,” I said, “well, good night.” I turned and stepped across the hall.
“I upset you, didn’t I?” he said, stopping me. I smiled my best no I’m breezy and unfazed smile, assured him I wasn’t upset and opened my door. “They all said you were hot,” he blurted out. I stopped.
“I’m sorry,” he continued, “pretty, attractive... they said you are very... very attractive. So, you know... have you seen the girl across the hall. Cause... You know...” he trailed off. His obvious discomfort was charming for some reason.
“That’s very nice,” I said, truly unsure how to respond. I was having the same feeling of wonder as I did the time my father said that he believed I would be married someday. I felt, suddenly, as if I had been seen. Seen and acknowledged.
“Thank you, I think you’re a very handsome man yourself,” I said. I was feeling the blush rise from my toes. I nodded, slipped into my apartment and closed the door. I beat myself up for a second for saying that and then I poured myself a glass of wine. I stood in front of the bathroom mirror looking at my face, the face that I always carried with me, the face that was the same day in day out. The face that I had never noticed myself. “You’re hot,” I told myself and giggled.
***
Over the next months, I got to know my neighbors, my newly discovered hotness, (that still made me giggle) gave me an ease with them. We became good friends. I cooked for them and answered questions about what girls like. Scolded them for feeling girls up in the hall, Andrew was the worst in this category. They fixed things for me, killed giant bugs and were very sweet.
For the first time, I had friends and it was delightful. I went places with them too. They would knock on my door, ask if I wanted to get a slice with them, go to a game, see a movie. That year of school was my favorite. I grew to love these guys and they changed me in ways I never expected. My father noticed it when I went home for Christmas.
“What is it?’ he asked. We were sitting down to dinner and he had been looking at me all evening while I was cooking, with the same look he got when he was trying to figure out an equation or new invention.
“What is what, Daddy?” I asked.
“You,” he said, “you’re... Different.” He told me I was more like my mother, he said I felt more... mature. More grounded. I agreed with him. I did feel mature, grounded and more at ease in myself. I told him about the boys across the hall, how we had become close and they had helped me see a side of myself that I didn’t know I had.
“They said I was hot, Daddy,” I told him and laughed. He didn’t. His face got dark and concerned. He put his fork down and placed his hands, palms down on the table.
“Lulu,” he said very quietly, “maybe we need to have a talk... Maybe I’m too late, I always assumed your mother would have this talk, but, I see that now is the time...”
“I’m not having sex, Daddy,” I cut him off. I was very matter of fact. “I haven’t had sex and I am not having sex with any of the guys. We’re friends. They are kind, polite gentlemen, when they behave.”
“Well ...,” he said and picked up his fork, “... I’m...it’s.... this was...” I put my hand on his and he stopped. He looked at me and his eyes were misty. “You have grown into such a bright, interesting, lovely woman... Your mother would be so proud.” I hugged him and we moved forward. It was a great Christmas break, but I found myself missing my guys across the hall. That was a new feeling and I rather liked it.
***
The rest of the year went fine. Classes, writing, my limited but still exciting social life. Summer rolled around and the guys across the hall all left to do summer, work, see family and I stayed. With the help of my writing professor, I was able to send my book out to some people and, I got a publishing offer.
My summer was all about rewriting, galleys, cover art. It was very exciting. I was on the phone with my father every day, he wanted to know about every step of the process. Some days I wished I could have walked across the hall and told my guys, but, they were not there. I got postcards from all of them, off on their summer adventures. I missed them, I truly did and that too, was a new and wonderful feeling.
***
After many months, my first book hit the shelves, The Marginal Kind. For a first novel, it was very well received. My publisher was very pleased. He directed me to a literary agent who took me on and I started on the next book. I was so happy. My father came with me to the launch party and wore his laughing hat. No one made fun of him, everyone told me how delightful he was. I agreed and beamed with pride. I had dedicated the book to my mother and this made my father very happy.
“She’s probably sneaking into different bookstores every night,” he said to me, “reading a chapter here, a chapter there... that was how she read books.” I was kind of a minor celebrity on campus. If you were in the English department, that is. When school was back in session, the bookstore asked me to do a reading and a signing on Friday night. I was thrilled.
***
My guys got dressed up and they escorted me across campus on a crisp fall night. I walked into the bookstore with four handsome guys and felt like I was on top of the world. I had a new outfit for the evening, nothing too flashy, but a dress that I never would have imagined myself wearing before. I was a little self-conscious but the when I got the four guys’ total hotness seal of approval, I felt much better.
/>
The reading was wonderful, maybe thirty people attended. A few bought copies of the book and I signed them. My guys each bought a copy, which was sweet. There was a small reception and then... it was over. I was feeling happy but somewhat let down, I wished it had been... more. I thanked the bookstore people, shook some hands, stood for some pictures and then, it was done.
“Will you fine gentleman like to walk me home,” I said to them and they looked at each other and then back to me. “Something wrong?” I asked.
“We’re not going home,” Nathan said, “are you kidding, you wrote a book.”
“And,” Steven said, “you did it while we were away so...”
“So,” I said.
“So,” Thomas said, “we weren’t here to celebrate so tonight we will.”
They took me to a bar and we did shots and danced and they treated me like I was the most special person in the world. They told everyone about my book and made quite a fuss over me. We stayed out far too late and I drank far too much but they made the night so memorable and perfect.
We walked home, arm in arm across the campus like a scene from a movie. At home we said good night and they hugged me, told me how proud they were to know me. My heart was just swelling. I went inside, closed the door, leaned against it and laughed. I had not felt this kind of joy in, well, ever. I took off my coat and was about to change when there was a knock on the door.
“Hi, Nathan,” I said to him.
“Listen,” he said, “I just wanted to... I don’t know if I said it enough tonight but, you were amazing. The reading, the book.... You look so incredible and... Well...” He put his arms around my waist, pulled me to him and he kissed me. I didn’t know what to do. It felt awkward and he sensed it and pulled away. “I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have...”
“No,” I stopped him, “I am so glad you did it’s just ...”
“You have a boyfriend,” he said and I burst out laughing. “What?” he asked flustered and unsure.
“No, Nathan,” I assured him, “I DO NOT have a boyfriend. The very idea of me having a boyfriend makes me laugh.”
“Then, what?” he asked. I didn’t know what to tell him. The truth seemed to be the most humiliating thing in the world but, I liked him so much that I felt I owed him the truth.
“Nathan,” I started and stopped. Then, I took a breath and plunged ahead. “I have never been kissed before.” His eyes widened. Then he got a very concerned look on his face.
“That,” he said, “is one of the saddest things I have ever heard.” I felt sick. I figured he would think I was a freak and run away. He would tell the other guys and the hottie across the hall would be the freakish girl they wanted to avoid. He stepped to me again, put his arms gently around me.
“May I?” he asked. I started to cry. I nodded and he placed his lips on mine. I felt his mouth open slightly and oh, the feeling, the feeling rushing through my body, the whirl of leaves and pages and candy and laughter filling my head. This was a kiss. All this time, I had never even bothered to imagine this moment, this first kiss. I had just accepted that it wouldn’t happen or it would and it would be unremarkable. But now, this kiss.
I held on tight and kissed him back and drifted into a sweet cloud of wonder. He kissed me for seven and a half million years and I wanted more. When we broke, I realized it was only a few minutes. I was breathless. He was smiling. “You sure you’ve never done that before,” he said, “because you’re pretty damn good at it.” It was the perfect thing to say and I cried again. He kissed me again. I thanked him for a perfect night, watched him walk across the hall and go inside.
“Daddy,” I whispered into the phone, “are you awake?”
“Yes, yes,” he said in a bleary distant voice, “is everything OK, Lulu?”
“Yes, Daddy,” I said, “everything is great. Daddy... a boy just kissed me,” I told him. I had to tell him. I had to tell someone. I had to share this moment with someone and he was the most important person in my life. I didn’t know what to expect. Would he be upset, sad, hurt, I didn’t know, I only knew I had to tell him. He was silent for a second.
“Hold on,” he said. I heard the phone drop. I was worried, maybe I had given him a heart attack. After a moment, he picked up the phone again. “OK, I’m back.”
“Where did you go?” I asked.
“I had to put on my laughing hat,” he said. I laughed so hard. It was perfect, I could not have been happier. I told him about the night, the reading and the bar. I told him about my dress and promised I would send the pictures. He asked all the right questions, what I had read, did the boys behave. And then, “Now, about this kiss.” I giggled. “Was he the best kiss you ever had?” I was silent. “Lulu?”
“Daddy,” I said, “this was the FIRST kiss I ever had.” He was silent.
“Oh, Andrea,” he said at last, “I am so sorry.” I could hear it in his voice. His shame at not knowing more about my life, about how hard it was being this girl. He sounded so low.
“Don’t be sorry,” I said, “I had been waiting for the right guy, the one who I knew would give me the best first kiss and tonight, I found it.” He chuckled.
“You know,” he said, “when I first kissed your mother... We had gone for dinner,”
“Chinese food,” I said.
“Chinese food, yes,” he said, “ we walked in the park after and talked. I remember I was pointing out stars to her and she slipped her hand into mine. Oh, my heart just about jumped out of my chest. We walked more and then, I walked her home. We must have stood in front of her house for three weeks it felt like. I didn’t know what to do. I was trying to work up the courage to kiss her. But, I... Anyway, I was about to give up and go home. I said, well, good night and she, well, she reached out her hand, put it on the back of my head, pulled me in and she gave me a kiss. What a kiss. Such a kiss. Knocked me for a loop, a real lulu of a kiss.” He laughed.
“A what?” I said.
“You know,” he said, “well, maybe not, it’s kind of an old-time slang. When something is so great, so wonderful that it knocks your socks off, we used to say, that was a real lulu.” He chuckled then he was silent. “Did... Did you not know that?”
“No,” I said, “I never knew that. Is that why...”
“Yes,” he said, “the day of your mother’s funeral, you were so solid, so grown up. You handled everything so well. I would haven fallen completely apart if it weren't for you. I was standing with your uncle Teddy back at the house and we were watching you clear dishes and give comfort to people. I said to Teddy, she’s amazing, she’s just like her mother. And he said, she is, she’s.. she’s a real lulu.” We were both silent. The years past spinning to the present. Me wishing he had told me before, me happy I now knew.
“Well,” I said, “it was one lulu of a kiss,” I told him.
***
The rest of the year, Nathan and I kissed a lot. It was lovely. We went places together without the other guys. We stayed up talking, I cooked for him, he tried to cook for me and we ordered in. The year went but, I started the second book. I was away a lot, touring with the first book. When I was home, I was always happy to spend time with him. He was patient with me taking the romantic stuff slowly and easily. He was kind, polite and a gentleman. I just wished he would throw me down and fuck me.
***
The years went and graduation day came. Dad called from the third row and asked about my mortarboard. He met the guys, Nathan loved his hat. It was a fine day. I was anxious because a week after graduation I was heading back to the city to stay with my dad and launch the new book. I had very little time left with Nathan and I didn’t know when or if we’d see each other again.
We partied, I sent my father home and told him I would see him again in a week. The night wound down and I found myself alone in the hall with Nathan. I was excited and anxious and I had a plan.
“Congratulations, college grad,” I said to him and handed him a wrapped box.
; “What’s this?” he asked, “A graduation gift, I... I didn’t...”
“Just open it, silly man.” He took the wrapping off and looked at the box. On the cover was the label of the shop Tie One On, the tie shop in the mall. “You got me a tie,” he said, “How grown-up.” He laughed and opened the box. It was empty. He looked at me. “I don’t get it.”
“You don’t need a tie, Nathan,” I said, “because... I live alone.” I watched as the thought moved across his mind. I watched as the meaning dawned on him. I watched as his eyes lit up. I watched with bubbling anticipation. I took his hand, walked him into my apartment and closed the door.
“I have a chapter in the new book,” I said, “where my protagonist spends three days in bed with a man. I need to do some research,” I told him. “Do you think you want to help me?” He took me in his arms and kissed me.
***
He took her in his arms and kissed her. A deeply, warm kiss that sent her mind whizzing far away. His hands moved slowly up her body, caressing her form over her dress. She pulled him tight, kissing him deeper, harder. He pressed himself against her and she could feel that he was pleased with the kiss. She was nervous, anxious, it was her first time and she wanted to do things right. He broke the kiss and looked her in the eyes. He took her face in his hands and she knew, without a doubt, that he would take care of her.
He took her to the bedroom and kissed her still, his hands running fluidly over her body. Awakening her like she had never felt before. He kissed her neck and moved his hands down her body to the hem of her skirt just above her knee. He slid his hand slowly up her bare thigh. Her breathing quickened. He moved his hand around her body, smoothing it up over her ass. She thought about the panties she wore, picked just for him...