I feel it in my bones,
In my bones,
In my hollow reed bones.
“Why are we going this way?” I ask him curiously, and I’m scared, because it’s like a magnet magnet magnet is pulling me, and I know it’s pulling him too.
“I don’t know,” he answers honestly, and he seems as perplexed as me. “I just feel like we have to.”
Because it’s fate.
I’m unsettled and terrified, but we drive and we climb, and the road twists and turns and the cliffs, and I know where we are.
We’ve been here before.
“You died here,” I tell Finn and my words are anxious and Dare nods.
“So did your mother,” he says uncertainly.
“This place...this place…this place,” I whisper, and I’m drawn here and it’s a magnet.
Dare is pale, he’s white, like a ghost and he’s silent, because there are no words. This moment is important, it’s relevant, and we can all feel it.
We’re pulled to it.
And we can’t turn away.
Finn takes off his medallion and he hands it to me because the car crackles with danger.
“Wear this,” he instructs and his voice is firm. “Don’t argue.” I try to give it back and he won’t take it, so I slip it over my head.
St. Michael, protect us.
The road curves and Dare sucks in his breath and I look.
His brother lowers his hood in the middle of the road, and stares at us with black eyes. Olivia Savage stands with him, her face paler than paler than pale.
“Dare… she’s not real,” I tell him. But we know that anything is possible. She’s a daughter of death, of Salome.
“This has to end,” Dare says and I don’t know who he’s speaking to. “Calla, get out of the car. Finn, you too.”
“No,” Finn says flatly, and I try to say no, but Dare is pushing me, shoving me, making me get out of the car. His mother takes a step, and the door is open and I can’t stay in the seat because Dare is stronger.
“I love you, Calla,” he tells me and his eyes are hauntingly black. “I’m going to end this. It’s going to be me.”
“Dare!” I shriek, and Finn looks at me, and I scream his name, too. “Finnnnnn!”
But Olivia steps one least step, and I know now what Dare meant so long ago when he told me he’d done a terrible thing. It was always going to lead to this, and I think he’s known all along.
“Dare, no!” I shriek and he doesn’t listen. He’s intent on ending it and I think I know how.
“Do it,” his mother whispers and I watch her lips move and I know I know I know what must be done. I know…and so does Dare.
All I can do is try to leap back into the car as Dare slams his foot onto the accelerator. Dare looks at me in alarm, and he can’t stop, he can’t put this bullet back into the gun. He grabs at me, trying to save me, trying to save me.
St. Michael protect us in battle.
We plow through Olivia and it’s like she’s mist. She fades away as we pass.
Be our defense against the wickedness and snares of the devil.
I clutch the medallion and we sail over the cliff and the tires don’t touch the road and we’re airborne.
I hear Finn in the back and he loves me, and the squeal of tires and the sound of metal and the water rush rush rushing.
May God rebuke him, we humbly pray, and do though, O Prince of the heavenly hosts, by the power of God, thrust into hell Satan.
My chest is ablaze, it’s got a heavy heavy weight and I can’t take the pain.
I’m falling,
Falling,
Falling,
And the water is cold,
The sand is damp.
And I’m broken,
I’m broken,
I’m broken.
Dare is with me, and there’s blood all over his shirt.
“Are you ok?” he asks quickly, and his hands are on mine. “God, Calla, are you ok? Open your eyes, open your eyes.”
“Calla, be ok,” a voice urges and I can’t tell if it’s Dare or Finn.
I can’t tell
I can’t tell
I can’t tell.
“Be ok,” it instructs again and I try but the heavy heavy weight on my chest is too much and I can’t breathe and I can’t breathe. But I have to protect my brother, and if I live, Finn cannot. I release my grip and my lungs are empty and I stop.
I stop.
I stop breathing.
“You’re dying,” Dare whispers into my neck. “If you don’t wake up, you’ll be lost.”
The water slides down my cheek into my neck and a hand holds mine and blackness is here and I slip into oblivion.
Oblivion is real.
That much I know.
It’s warm and comforting like a blanket.
It hugs me, and I’m gone.
And all the evil spirits, who prowl about the world seeking the ruin of souls.
Amen.
Chapter Thirty
The world slows to a stop.
It’s dark.
There is no ocean.
There are no waves.
There is no sun or rain or moon.
I stay this way for so long, suspended, alone, unafraid.
And then,
A breath.
From my lips.
Suddenly, without warning.
I gasp, and there is only my breathing, and beeps, and fingers wrapped around my hand, and I’m in a bed. I’m not in the ocean or on the cliffs.
“Come back to me, Calla,” Dare whispers, and angst laces his words, and his words impale my heart. “Please God, come back to me. Time is running out. Don’t do this, please, God, don’t do this. They’re going to take you off the machine, and if you don’t breathe on your own, you’ll die. Please God. Please.”
He begs someone, whether it is God or me, I don’t know.
“We’ve already lost everything else,” he whispers. “Please, God. Come back to me. Come home to me. Come home.”
I try to open my eyes, but it’s too hard.
My eyelids are heavy.
The darkness is black.
Dare keeps talking, his words slow and soothing and I might float away on them. It would be so easy.
Death waits for me,
Only it’s not death.
It’s Olivia Savage.
I can see her face now, and she waits in the light behind Dare’s shoulder.
She nods.
It’s time.
But it can’t be. Because Dare is here, and still holding my hand. He talks to me, he tells me everything that’s happened, and when he gets tired of talking, he hums.
The same wordless, tuneless song I’ve been hearing all along.
Death moves closer, one step nearer.
I try to cry out, but nothing comes.
I try again to open my eyes, but I can’t. And I can’t move my fingers.
It’s all too much.
Too much.
I think about getting frantic,
And I almost do.
But to keep calm,
I replay the facts in my head.
My name is Calla Price.
I’m eighteen years old, and I’m half of a whole.
My other half, my twin brother, my Finn, is crazy.
Finn is dead.
My mother is dead.
Dare’s mother is dead.
I’ve spent every summer at Whitley my entire life.
I’ve loved Dare since I was small.
I’ve been floating in a sea of insanity, and I can’t wake up.
I can’t wake up.
Dare is my lifeline.
He’s still here.
I focus every ounce of strength I have, trying to force my hand into gripping his, the hands that I love so much, the hand that has held mine for so long.
But I’m helpless.
I’m weak.
Olivia, takes another step, but I can’t scr
eam.
It’s when she touches Dare that I bolster my strength.
She puts his hand on Dare’s shoulder,
And I can’t take that.
Don’t touch Dare, I want to scream. You died, but you’re not taking him! He’s innocentHe’sInnocentHe’sInnocent!
But her fingers drum on Dare’s skin,
And everything in me boils,
And screams.
And somehow,
Some way,
I harness my energy,
And my finger twitches.
Dare’s humming stops.
“Calla?” he asks quickly, hope so potent in his voice. “Wake up. If you don’t wake up, you’ll die.”
I move my finger again, and it’s all the strength I have left.
I can’t move again, but I think it was enough.
Dare’s gone,
Gone from my side,
Yelling for someone,
For anyone.
Other voices fill my room,
Circling my bed,
And Dare’s voice is drowned.
He’s gone,
but others have replaced him.
I’m poked,
I’m prodded,
My lids are lifted and lights are shined into my eyes.
“It’s a miracle,” someone announces. “It took. She’s not rejecting it anymore.”
I can’t stay awake.
My strength is gone.
I fall asleep wishing Dare would come back.
I don’t know how long I sleep.
I only know that I dream,
And now, when I dream,
They’re lucid.
I’m no longer insane.
I don’t know why.
Olivia sits in front of me, her smile gentle and soft.
“My boy wasn’t meant for you, but you took him anyway. I thought you’d be each other’s downfall, but maybe you saved each other.”
I swallow hard because I did take him.
“You have to know that’s the way of things,” I offer. “Boys can’t stay with their mothers forever. It wasn’t my fault you died.”
“I killed myself,” she says simply. “I’m a child of Salome, and I thought my blood was bad. I didn’t mean to, but I couldn’t take any more pain. I made sure you were all three safe, then I just let go. I drifted away and the darkness came, and it was soft and warm. And I let go.”
I understand pain.
I nod.
“If you’re choosing to be dead, then can my brother live?”
Hope surges through me, but the look on Olivia’s face shuts it down. And my chest hurts and hurts and hurts as she shakes her head.
“He chose,” she answers, and her words her words her words. “He chose to die to keep you safe.”
And I think about the blackness and how I stopped breathing, and how I suddenly was alive. Finn did that.
Save me, and I’ll save you.
A lump a lump a lump forms in my throat and I can’t swallow it.
“I can’t live without my Finn,” I say limply. But Olivia is firm.
“You have to. He’s gone, but you’re not. He chose you, Calla. He chose to protect you.” In my head, I remember him handing me his medallion and I cry because she’s right. Finn chose for me to live.
Olivia gets up and her form is so slight, so small. She’s dark like Dare and her eyes gleam like the night.
Black, black eyes that examine my soul.
She cocks her head, in the same way that Dare does.
“History can’t keep repeating itself. Mr. Savage killed himself to protect his children. He chose himself rather than them because sons shouldn’t have to pay for the sins of their fathers. But his son Richard was evil and it should’ve been him. Laura sacrificed Finn because that’s the way it had to be. Let it be now, Calla. It is as it should be. You’re descended from Judas, and it’s in your blood, but don’t betray this.”
“Wait,” I suck in my breath. “What about Dare?”
He was by my bed,
He’s been here the whole time,
humming to me.
“Is Dare safe?” I ask her breathlessly.
“A sacrifice has been made,” she answers. “It’s been accepted. Don’t change it.”
Her voice is small because the sacrifice was Finn.
“Our story is so sad,” I tell her, because it is. The saddest thing I’ve ever heard, because it makes everything seem hopeless, as though our own actions don’t matter, because we pay for the sins of those who came before us. Olivia shakes her head knowingly.
“It’s not. The saddest thing is if everything was in vain and if history keeps repeating. Don’t let that be, girl. Save my son. Save yourself. Don’t sink into the oblivion. You’ve got to open your eyes. Open your eyes.
Open your eyes.
Open your eyes.”
I startle awake, the insistence of her voice shocking me into lucidity.
My eyes open.
The light is so bright it’s blinding.
The humming stops.
Chapter Thirty-One
The room swirls white and medicinal, filled with beeps and blank walls and cold skin. Goosebumps chase each other in confusion up my arm, and I gulp hard.
I’m in a hospital.
I’m cold.
I’m afraid.
But.
Dare is.
Dare is.
Those are the words in my head, and the words sound like Finn’s voice. And at first I think it’s an interruption in the sentence, but then I realize. It’s not Dare is… it’s a statement. Dare is.
Dare exists.
Dare is alive.
I exhale, and I think about where I am.
I wiggle my fingers and they’re heavy, and there’s pain, and I can breathe.
Slowly
Slowly
Slowly,
I open my eyes.
I’m alone, and even though the echo of Finn’s whispers linger here, I know that he’s not.
My body feels heavy and I can’t lift my arms, and a nurse comes in and when she sees my eyes open, she’s startled, then she rushes to my side.
“Ms. Price! You’re awake. How are you feeling?”
I don’t know. My thoughts are murky and my chest hurts so much. I try to lift a hand to rub at it, at my chest, but I can’t. There are too many tubes, too many wires.
“Don’t,” the nurse tells me as she watches my attempt. “You’ve been through a lot. You’ve got to rest to recover.”
“Where is Dare?” I ask and my voice is hoarse and my throat is sore, like I haven’t spoken in a hundred years.
“He’s in another room,” she tells me. “He’s fine. He’s going to make it.”
Joy leaps at me, lapping at my face, and then I picture my brother and everything falls around me.
“Finn?” I ask, and even I can hear the fear in my voice.
“I think it’s best if the doctor explains everything that happened,” she tells me. “I’ll be right back with her.”
I close my eyes because I’m exhausted and afraid, and it isn’t long before the doctor comes and when she speaks with her raspy voice, I know immediately who it is and I try to leap from the bed.
Sabine stands there, calm as can be in a white lab jacket, and she places a hand on my arm to restrain me.
“Ms. Price,” she says, her dark eyes staring into mine. “You’ve been through quite an ordeal. I’m Dr. Andros.”
“I know who you are,” I hiss at her and she stays calm, because she knows who she is, too.
“You were in a car accident. Mr. DuBray drove off the road. You suffered extreme trauma to your chest and your heart. Your brother suffered massive injuries that unfortunately, he wasn’t able to recover from. He remained alive on life support until a transplant could be made. Your brother’s heart saved your life.”
My hand fingers my chest and there is a fresh scar from my collarbone to my belly, swollen and warm.<
br />
“My brother is dead.”
My words are deflated.
Sabine nods.
“I have his heart.”
“You do.”
Save me, and I’ll save you.
I’m supposed to save you, Calla.
The words chant in my head and the voice is Finn’s and the world tips and swirls.
I saved him so long ago, and now he saved me.
And now he’s gone forever.
My loss is profound and unexplainable and the void is enormous. A chasm that I don’t think I’ll ever come back from.
The heart that beats in my chest is not mine. It’s my brother’s. My dear, sweet, perfect brother. My Finn.
Good night, sweet Finn.
“I need to see Dare,” I tell Sabine, because she and I both know who she is, who she really is.
She shakes her head and she’s firm, and her eyes are vicious because her daughter is gone and never coming back, and Dare and I are both here instead.
Somethingsomethingsomething is off though, something is off and I look out the window and there is a peaceful pond, and benches, and someone is feeding the ducks. Someone who is wearing a hospital bracelet, just like mine.
“Where are we?” I ask Sabine and she smiles and it’s grotesque.
“Oakdale Sanitorium,” she grins.
No. A mental hospital?
That can’t be.
“But it is,” Sabine answers, and I don’t know if she read my thoughts or if I said them aloud.
“You’re disturbed, poor girl,” she says. “And so is Adair. Growing up the way you did, it’s no wonder. Your mother was with her own brother, Dare’s step-father molested him and abused him… obviously you’re both from bad blood.”
“We’re not crazy,” I shout, but I’m not sure and I struggle and she smiles. There’s a sharp pain in my arm and she leaves and everything goes beyond black to oblivion and I’m in a sleep so so deep that I can’t dream.
Days pass and finally, finally, Dare comes to see me, when he’s strong enough.
He’s paler, but he’s the same. His dark dark eyes penetrate me and he grasps my hand.
“We’re not crazy. We’ve fixed it before, we’ll fix it again,” he tells me. There’s promise in his voice but I’m so tired. “You have Finn’s heart, so he’s not really gone.”
“Is this even real?” I ask him, groggy from the medicine they pump into my veins. “Maybe we’ve been crazy all along.”