Chapter Thirty-Six
Killer Queen
As I think back, and what else can I do but think back in my wretched predicament, I truly thought the third time might be the proverbial charm. It started with such promise. I still recall the soft scent of lilacs and majestic cloud of golden tresses floating into my world. Jesus! Does duct tape have fumes? I think I’m still a bit loopy. I need to concentrate. There has got to be a way out of here. Something keeps pulling at my mind. My normally fully steamed, on time, one hundred percent reliable locomotive thought engine keeps jumping the tracks. Must be the combination of man’s silvery little best friend pulling out the majority of my body hair every time I move and whatever Dusty did…Shit! That memory just fizzled out too. What did Dusty do to whom when? Or did I do something I shouldn’t have to Dusty? Now there’s a thought. Hmmmm. Dusty…
“So, Charles, the new hot shot is supposed to show up today?”
“Yeah, Mick, should be any time now.”
It was a beautiful North Carolina early spring day. The chill of winter had been chased away and the sun was doing its thing big time. The birds were singing happy tunes and I, too, was thinking of birdies. The course had opened for the season last weekend. The only turd in my otherwise delicious punch bowl of life was about to deposit itself on the scene monetarily.
“So what did McBridle’s background check turn up on our new boy?”
Chuck looked at me like I was a complete idiot. “Background check? Have you lost your fucking mind? Do you think I am stupid enough to do a background check on the prized employee ‘Mr. Super Secretive’ is sending down to check up on us? I rather like this job. I might just as well stick my dick in a garbage disposal and hit the ‘on’ button.”
“I don’t like someone checking up on us. And when it comes to these MBA types, my level of trust and confidence is right there with your ground up dick in that disposal.”
“Mick, I’m counting on your best behavior. The Shareholder is watching us carefully. I think this Dusty dude is going to work out fine. He swears Dusty is fair and reasonable. In fact, I think this guy might be a big help to us.”
“Yeah, like the Indians were a help to Custer. Like Kryptonite helps Batman. Like cheese helps you take a good shit. Look, Charles, we produce a great product with our world class technical expertise. Keep all these damned bean counters out of our hair and we are a profit making machine. Now we are going to be sent either another geek that can’t tie his own shoes or a slick charmer that will steal our shoes before we even put our socks on. Why are we accepting this? Why don’t we…”
It was at this moment that I noticed the slight grin on Chuck’s face and the fact that he was looking right through me.
“Dusty is standing right behind me, isn’t he?”
The aroma hit me first. I don’t know what type of aftershave this guy wears, but it might start to sway my sexual orientation. Is it possible for nose hairs to get an erection? Next, my left ear detected a warm breeze softly caressing it. A noise that felt like warm honey poured down my auditory canal and teased my nerve endings making my synapses prematurely fire. When my head stopped spinning, I could hear soft words being sweetly murmured over my shoulder.
“Ah, you must be Mick. Who else? And while I really hate to begin on the wrong foot, there are three things you said that may not be entirely factual. First, I believe it was Superman, not Batman, that struggled with Kryptonite. Good song, by the way. Second, I rarely find the need to tie my pumps. And I’m sure you can guess the third.”
I slowly turned my head and was met by the softest, most vibrant pair of emerald eyes that I had ever seen. I mean, we are talking Lake Louise after the first snow melt. I had read and heard about eyes being the windows to the soul, but this is the first time I had experienced them in all their twinkling glory. Normally it takes me a long time to notice a hot shaped woman’s features above the neck, much less the eyes. Today, I couldn’t break their hold on me.
“Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.”
Dusty straightened up and took a step back. She extended a hand and said, “Charles, Mick, I’m Dusty Koepke. It is very nice to meet the both of you.”
Charles was far more eloquent and suave in the moment than I had been. He managed not to drool on himself (although I’d classify mine as just minor slobber) and squeaked out an actual word.
“Wow.”
“I’m sorry. I got in a little early and Victoria, I believe that’s her name, told me to come on back. She is quite lovely, by the way.”
Please, dear God. Don’t make us have to give her the “hands off” Victoria speech. If she is playing for the other team, I’m taking my bat and balls and going home.
“May I have a seat?”
I stood to give her my chair. I took a quick glance down to ensure that little Mick had only plumped a bit and not risen to notable attention. Not that she would have noticed. Don’t get me wrong, it could have been extremely noticeable given its gargantuan proportions when preparing to do battle, but she was maintaining totally focused eye contact.
“Why, thank you. It is rare to find a true gentleman these days.”
“Uhhhhhhh.”
“I heard you were rather eloquent, but I had no idea.”
“Oh, um, sorry. I must admit, you took us by surprise. When I heard the name Dusty, my mental image drifted more toward Dusty Rhodes of ZZ Top.”
“Well, I may not be a sharp dressed man but I do own some cheap sunglasses.”
If possible, the mercury in my love meter elevated a few more degrees.
“And sorry about the shock. I thought Mr., oops, I mean The Shareholder, made mention of my gender. He just loves a good joke. I am correct in that you refer to him only as ‘The Shareholder,’ aren’t I?”
Charles decided it was time to chime in. “That is the only name we have for him. He has done a great job at protecting his anonymity. I am still not totally clear why.”
“Well, he can be a bit eccentric. But he thinks the world of both of you.”
“That’s nice to hear. But then why are you here, if I may be so bold as to query?”
“Now that’s the smooth talking Mick I was told to expect. And, please, always be bold with me. I think honesty is one of the best traits a business professional can have. And I love it in a man, too.”
Oh, she was good. I hate to be manipulated, but she had me, and from the looks of it, Chuck, ready to sacrifice life and limb for her. And she had been here less than five minutes.
“I know The Share… let’s just call him Mr. S. for simplicity, told you I was coming down here to make sure y’all weren’t screwing the pooch, so to say. But, look, that’s not really my agenda. One of my concentrations in graduate school was internal controls and prevention of corporate malfeasance. So I just want to try to help where I can with some of my expertise. I truly am here to be a team player and suggest some ways you might protect your flanks if there are any slight weaknesses. Mr. S. is somewhat concerned with a few of our competitors. The last thing he wants is for our X-400 formula to become generic.”
Oh, man, smart too. That all flowed out of her with such sincerity. And she slightly bit her full moistened lips after saying it. I was beginning to drown in her eyes again when a faint ringing in my head threw me a life line. It was the old tried and true Mick early warning system. It usually alerted when something seemed too good to be true. And trust me; this babe was all that and then some.
“Dusty, we are very glad to hear that. And we are very happy to have you here. Any suggestions you have to help will be greatly appreciated. Mick, why don’t you show her around and help her get settled?”
Hmmm. Apparently Chuck didn’t have my alarm system installed in his cranium. Or maybe mine was just too sensitive. I mean, look at that fine…focus, dude!
“Happy to, Charles. How about we start with a plant tour?”
An
d so it began.