Read MBA - Moron$ Ba$tard$ and A$$holes PG Version Page 30

  Chapter Twenty-Nine

  Love the One You’re With

  MMMMMMmmm. Huh? Sorry, drifted off there for awhile again. I think whatever I ingested; the effects are starting to wear off. I can begin to see the far walls of this room I’m in and it seems kind of familiar. And there is still this nagging voice at the back of my mind telling me that I need to be somewhere to tell someone something urgently. I just can’t hear it clearly yet. I wish it would shut up. How am I supposed to get somewhere in my current state of affairs? I can’t even roll over to scratch my rears So where was I?

  Holly and I were as close to having a monogamous relationship as either of us ever had been. We were seeing a lot of each other. We discovered early on that we had more in common than we thought. I have heard that some northern type people (Yankees as they are still called here on occasion) think all Southerners are related to each other. While that is a kind of ugly stereotype, I did find out early in our relationship that Holly is Victoria’s older sister’s granddaughter. I think that might make her a grand niece or something. I was always better at gynecology than genealogy. Whatever. I do give myself credit for diving into a really good gene pool.

  Holly and I had discussed moving in together, but we both had some minor commitment issues. I still had my full time mistress, Woodland Enterprises, and she still clung to her independence. Although we loved each other and our time together, the big “M” word had not entered our conversation. Unfortunately, the big “J” word did.

  “So, Mick, tell me more about this new guy, Jack.”

  “Not much to tell, hon. He is about as perfect in every respect as a young dude can get. I hate him.”

  “Seriously, Jack, do you think he would be good boyfriend material?”

  “I hope you don’t mean for you. And I REALLY hope you don’t mean for me.”

  “No, silly. You are the only man for me. I could never date Jack. I don’t want to have to compete with a man to be the best looking one or most talented part of the couple. With you, that’s not an issue. As for you dating him, you don’t even come close to having enough fashion sense to be gay. I’m thinking of Jane.”

  Holly could give it to me as quickly and as sharply as I could give it to her. I loved and respected that.

  “I thought your sister was dating that all-star fullback from Tech.”

  “No. She said she got tired of having to call illegal motion penalties on him and sent him packing.”

  “I’m not exactly sure what that means, but sorry to hear it.”

  “So, do you think she might hit it off with Jack?”

  “Hmmm. Only one way to find out. Leave it to me. Now, shouldn’t you be slipping into something more comfortable?”

  “Mmmmm.”

  The next day, I sat down beside Jack in the plant cafeteria. The food used to be bland, the décor non-existent and the prices dirt cheap. Upon entering, we would chant “Ptomaine or not ptomaine? That is the question.” The food had improved recently and the prices moved up accordingly. Now we could hum along with the Kenny G background music as we ordered a wedge salad. Not that we really wanted to do either.

  “I can’t believe you convinced Chuck to reopen this place after Elwood had it shut down.”

  “All I had to do was show him a plan for upgrading it to a decent standard, running it like a business and actually making it a profit center instead of a cost center. I did and it is.”

  “I swear. You could turn nerds into curds and send everyone on their merry whey.”

  “Please. Enough with the stomach wrenching puns. I’m trying to eat here.”

  “Ok, here’s something to whet your appetite,” I said as I pulled a picture out of my wallet.

  “Whoa! Who is that?”

  “That, my friend, is my girlfriend’s little sister. She just broke up with her boyfriend and is available this Friday night.”

  “All I need is a number and a name.”

  “Hold on there, Romeo. How about I set up a double date for all of us this weekend?”

  “Double date? That sounds like something my parents did. Are we going to the picture show and the malt shop afterwards?”

  “If you don’t want to meet her, just say so.”

  I didn’t say that. Someone that looks like that, I’m game for anything.”

  “You don’t want to know if she has a great personality?”

  “Oh, absolutely. I’ll ask her after she gets my tongue out of her throat.”

  “And, that, my good friend, is precisely why we are double dating. Let me just warn you. Holly is very protective of her little sister and has a concealed carry license.”

  “Duly noted.”

  We did do an old fashioned double date except we substituted dinner for the malt. Jack and I vigorously insisted that we go see “The Hangover.” The girls suggested softly that they kind of wanted to see “Julie and Julia.” I told them that was something they could do together on sister’s night out. Jack just shook his head and remained silent.

  He and I somehow refrained from making wisecracks during the movie and somewhat enjoyed it. Even with a chic flick title, it was pretty funny. Jack had the high wattage charm lit up and I could tell that Jane was basking in its glow. She seemed very pleased with the way things were going. He gave her an old fashioned goodnight kiss at the door while I was exploring Holly’s tonsils with my tongue.

  Jack and Jane dated pretty steadily on their own after that. Holly said Jane was very happy and thought Jack was awesome. I think that is the word for the new generation. I can’t think of a single classic rock song that uses it. Maybe I’m getting old. Whatever.