Read MBA - Moron$ Ba$tard$ and A$$holes PG Version Page 32
Chapter Thirty-One
You’re My Best Friend
Man, tough stuff. How do you tell your best buddy that you caught him ripping you off and you want to tear his throat out? You could delegate it to someone else to do. But then, every morning, you would look in the mirror and see a super weenie staring back. You could ignore it and hope it stopped. But Jack had let Jeannie out of the bottle and not even Major Nelson could cram her back in at this point. Or you could take the bull by the horns and just do it like a man. I choose door number three. But you may get a different deal than you think you are getting when talking to Earl.
“Hey, buddy. How’s it going? Everything rocking and rolling along as usual?”
We were sitting in Earl’s office on a beautiful Carolina fall morning. The sun was filtering through the brightly colored leaves as it began to peek through the office windows. There was a sweet freshness in the air that reminded me of the first bite of a newly picked apple. Did you know that North Carolina is the seventh largest apple producing state in the nation? Did you know that apples are a great source of fiber and vitamin C? Do you care? Does it sound like I was trying to do anything to delay this conversation? Ok, now who is Sherlock ‘Freaking’ Holmes? Ah, well, it was time to man up and dive in head first.
“Hey, Mick, it’s all good.”
“Yeah, Earl, listen, you know I love you like a brother. And I would do anything to help you out if you needed it.”
“Sure I know that, Mick. And right back up yours.”
“There is just no easy way for me to say this, Earl. But, I know.”
“You do? You know what?”
“I know your secret and what you’ve been doing.”
Earl gave me a long stare. I braced myself in case he decided to launch over the desk and make a break for it. Of course, given our size differentials, that’s kind of like a Chihuahua bracing for a Scooby Doo charge. Brave, but useless.
Earl did not run me over. But what he said next almost knocked me out of my chair.
“That really is a relief. I thought I was going to have a cardiac infraction trying to keep this bottled up inside. I’m sorry I didn’t tell you. I couldn’t say anything.”
“Earl, I’m not sure I understand why. I am here to support you, no matter what.”
“Jeez, I would have said something, but Jennifer told me if I breathed a word of it she would consecrate me.”
It took me a minute of consultation with my mental Earl Decoder Ring to realize he meant “castrate.”
“Are your really going to blame this on Jennifer?”
“Yeah, well, I guess I had something to do with it.”
What was harder to believe than Earl’s words, and they were tougher to swallow than Doris’s special Tuesday Night Meat Surprise, was the silly grin he had on his face when he said them.
“I thought I knew you.”
“C’mon, Mick, this not something I planned. It just kind of happened.”
“But Earl, how could you?”
“Mick, I think you are the last guy I’d have to explain that to.”
“Look, I consider myself a pretty savvy dude, but I could never do something like this.”
“Mick, never say never. Things change and sometimes change is good.”
“Don’t you know the consequences of this?”
“Well, I haven’t thought it all the way through, but I think our lives have definitely changed for the better.”
“Really? Even now that you have been found out?”
“I knew it had to come out sooner or later. In fact, I have kept this in my drawer in case I did get found out.”
Earl reached into his top drawer and I think I squirted a bit in my Dockers. Even Earl couldn’t miss from this distance. I looked down the cylinder he pointed at me and did a double take. Earl was going to shoot me with a cigar???
“Mick, I’m glad I can give the first one to you. She’s not due for six months yet, but she is starting to show.”
“Whaaaaa?”
“I really wanted to name it Mick if it’s a boy and Mickelle if it’s a girl. Jennifer just laughs when I say that.”
“You, you, you guys are having a baby?”
“And you figured it out. Sherlock ‘Freaking’ Houdini.”
Somehow through my cloud of shock and excitement, a sharp clear sense of relief shot through me. This proud Papa, gentle giant, one of a kind friend would never ever do anything dishonest. Much less something of this magnitude. Jack got it wrong. How could I ever have thought otherwise?
“Earl, you know you have to get up pretty early in the morning to get anything by me. Congratulations buddy.”
“Are those tears of joy in your eyes, Mick?”
“Heck no. Must be the pollen in the air.”
“You never had allergies before.”
“Whatever, look I gotta run. Congrats, again. I am overjoyed for you.”
So what in the world was Jack on to? Who was ripping us off? I thought it was time to bring in my most trusted consultant to help me get to the bottom of this. I needed someone whose wisdom knew no boundaries.