Lily moved toward the front door, blinded by tears. Her stomach was so tied into knots, she knew she wouldn't be able to eat, and there was no way she could go to bed and sleep. A moment later she was standing on the wooden deck, looking down at the moon-silvered surf crashing against the rocks on the beach below. "Let me talk to her."
Lily jerked around to face the flight of stairs leading to the deck.
"I wasn't going to see you two until tomorrow." Andrew was coming up the steps. "But then I remembered Cassie, and how she was bound to react. She's upset, isn't she?"
"Yes, damn you." Lily clasped her hands tightly together. "Why the hell did you come here? Everything was fine before you showed up."
He was now standing before her on the deck, gazing down at her face. "And you're in pain too. Damn, I'm sorry, Lily." He took an impulsive step forward. "Let me help to—" He stopped and slowly shook his head. "Not yet."
"You can help by going away.
Thats no answer. You're very close to Cassie. You know how she thinks."
But you don't. You don't know anything about her. She's not a toy you can take up because you want to play father, then drop when she begins to bore you."
"It's not like that, Lily. Trust me." I can't trust you. I have a daughter lying in bed probably crying herself to sleep, and she won't even let me comfort her." The tears brimmed helplessly in Lily's eyes. "She's never turned away from me before. She's always loved me and known I krve—" Her voice broke, and she was forced to stop. She was silent a moment, and her voice was still uneven when she was able to continue. "Please go away and leave us alone."
"Can't you see I can't do that?" The pain threading Andrew's voiee was so intense, it startled her. "I have to help. Let me see her, Lily."
"No."
"Please." Andrew's features were strained in the moonlight, the flesh drawn tightly on the bones of his face. "I need to help. I can't leave you like this.
Let me talk to her for five minutes and try to make it right between you."
"And tell her you're her father?"
"No." His grave gaze was fixed on her face. I don't have that option until I earn it or you give it to me. Ill just make her understand." He smiled coaxingly. "Ill even make sure she eats her dinner."
Lily looked at him in surprise. "How do you know she didn't?"
"Well, you said she was upset. Naturally, I assumed ..." He gestured impatiently. 'That's not important. Do you want Cassie to have a bad night?"
"Of course not, but I don't want you—" She stopped when she realized what she was about to say. Was she so selfish, she would prefer Cassie to be miserable just because she couldn't be the one to comfort her?
"Cassie's the most important thing in your life; it's only reasonable that you would resent outside interference." Andrew's tone was infinitely gentle.
"You're very perceptive." She looked him directly in the eyes. "I do resent you. If I let you talk to Cassie now, it doesn't mean that I won't try to get rid of you as soon as possible."
Andrew smiled sadly. "I know, Lily."
She turned away from him and looked out over the sea. "Five minutes. First door to the left."
"Right. Ill leave the doors open, so that you can hear I'm not maligning you to her."
She heard the door behind her open, Andrew's steps, then the knock on Cassie's door.
In exactly five minutes she heard his laughing
farewell as he left Cassie's room. Cassie was laughing, too, and the sound sent a pang through Lily that was half relief and half envy. A moment later, Andrew stood beside her on the deck.
"She told me to ask you if she could have a cheeseburger for supper." A faint smile touched his lips. "And potato chips instead of a green vegetable. I think she's trying to wring everything she can out of this situation."
"She's capable of it." Lily turned to face him. "What did you tell her?"
"Nothing you wouldn't want me to tell her." He paused, and his hands reached out and closed on the railing of the deck. "But I did say I'd stick around and hope you'd let us become better friends."
Lily stiffened warily.
"Who knows? Maybe Cassie will find my company boring," he said lightly. "They say familiarity breeds contempt."
"Not bloody likely." Lily's lips tightened. "I think you've hypnotized her."
"Instinct." His hands loosened their grip on the railing, and one finger traced the rough pattern of the wood. "If you're right about me, maybe IH be the one to grow bored and walk away. Either way, you'll be rid of me." His gaze narrowed on her face. "Or perhaps you don't think I'm that immature anymore."
She didn't know what to think. One moment Andrew seemed boyish, and in the next she glimpsed a maturity beyond the youthful radiance
of him that startled her. "I don't understand what you are."
'Then find out. Let me get to know Cassie. Let me get to know you, Lily." He took a step closer, and one finger gently touched her cheek. "You won't regret it. Ill never hurt you."
Yet the touch of his finger on her cheek brought a burning sensation close to pain, she thought dazedly. His gaze was holding her own with mesmerizing intensity. She took a deep breath and moistened her lips with her tongue. "I'd never let you hurt me." She took a step back and his hand fell away from her face. "This Is crazy. I don't know what to think. I don't even know If you're realty who you say you are. What proof do I have?" "None." Andrew thought for a moment. "Call Henry. I understand youVe kept In touch with him over the years. Ask him for the name of Cassie's donor."
"He told me the names of the donors were kept confidential."
"He won't give you the same answer now." He asked curiously, "Just what did he tell you about the donor?"
"Not much, except that he was young, healthy, and intelligent, and absolutely stable mentally."
He nodded. "I can see how the last would be important to you." He smiled. "I'm still all those things, Lily. If you accepted me as a father for your child, don't you think you could take the chance on me as a friend?"
"That's different."
"A different kind of intimacy?" He took a step
closer, and his finger touched her lower lip. "Intimacy is good, Lily. I'm not Talt Baldor."
The name struck through her like a sword, piercing the dreamy languor Andrew was weaving about her. She stepped back again. "I don't want to talk about Tait Baldor."
Andrew nodded. "All right, we won't discuss him now, but well have to talk about him sometime."
"No, we won't." She moved decisively toward the front door. "My past is my own business and none of yours," she said over her shoulder.
"But I'm part of your past, Lily." His soft words followed her. "And your present is very much my business,. Ill be down at the beach at four tomorrow afternoon. I'm telling you in case you want to be there to protect Cassie from me." He paused. "But I hope you believe now that I would never hurt her."
She turned to face him, her gaze troubled. "I don't . . . know. Perhaps you wouldn't mean to hurt her, but Cassie is very sensitive, and for some reason she seems to have taken a shine to you."
"Like to like." He grinned. "Still, I think you'd feel more secure with me tomorrow if you were sure I was Cassie's father. I'd like you to call Henry tonight and ask him about me. Will you do that?"
"Perhaps." She didn't look at him again as she closed the door behind her. She leaned back against the door feeling strangely drained. There was no reason for her to have this reaction to Andrew Ramsey. His voice had been gentle, his
words persuasive and not threatening. Yet she felt as if she had been in a losing struggle with a titantic personality. She believed she had taught herself to be a fair judge of character, but Andrew Ramsey was an enigma to her.
"Can I have my cheeseburger?"
Lily straightened to see Cassie grinning at her from the doorway of her room. She was dressed in her pajamas, and there was no hint of antagonism in her expression. Lily felt a rush
of relief. "I don't see why not."
"And potato chips?"
Lily grinned back at her. "Potato chips." She paused. "After you eat your vegetables."
Cassie sighed. "Andrew said I was pushing it."
Lily's smile faded. "I'm not going to lie to you, Cassie. I haven't made a decision about your friend Andrew."
"I know you haven't. Andrew said we had to give you plenty of time." Cassie s bunny slippers shuffled on the wooden floor as she came toward the kitchen. "He explained it all to me."
"Andrew seems good at explanations," Lily said dryly.
"Oh, he is. Andrew makes things clear as glass. You'll see that when you get to know him." Cassie glanced over her shoulder. "Do I still get that extra hour at the piano?"
"I thought you said the music was gone."
"It's back now." Cassie's words trailed behind her as she entered the kitchen. "Andrew brought it back."
How had Andrew managed to capture Cassie so
completely in so short a time? Lily wondered with helpless exasperation. She started across the living room toward the kitchen even as Cassie suddenly appeared again and dashed toward her.
"Cassie, what on earth is—"
"I forgot." Cassie threw her arms around her mother's waist in an enthusiastic bear hug that robbed Lily of breath, her cheek pressing hard at Lily's midriff. "I love you, Mom."
"Do you?" Lily felt as if a magic ointment had been smoothed over the rawness of a wound. "I love you, too, Cassie." Her arms tightened around her child's warm, sturdy body. "So much. I only want to do what's best for both of us."
"I know." Cassie looked up and smiled. "Me too."
Lily's lips twisted. "And do I have Mr. Ramsey to thank for this display of affection?"
Cassie shook her head. "He didn't tell me to do anything. He just said that if you love someone you ought to tell them ... because sometimes they forget."
"Very wise advice," Lily said slowly. She gave Cassie another hug and pushed her away. "Will you make the hamburger patties, love? I have a telephone call to make. It shouldn't take long."
"Sure. Professor Kozeal?"
"No." Lily turned to the phone on the pine table beside the Early American sofa. "I have to call an old friend I knew before you were born."
When Lily took Cassie down for her swim the
next day, Andrew was sitting In exactly the same spot where she had left him the previous evening.
Cassie ran on ahead to meet him, and Lily watched them curiously. This was Cassie's father, who had given her those bright hazel eyes. Instead of Andrew's dark gold hair or Lily's chestnut, Cassie's was a sandy compromise. Together Lily and Andrew had made Cassie what she was. It was strange to realize that her own body had protected and nurtured this stranger's seed.
Andrew's gaze lifted to meet hers over Cassie's head. She inhaled sharply and stopped as if struck. Overpoweringly sexual, invading, stirring. Lust,
Then his gaze quickly lowered to Cassie again, and he displayed only affection and amusement.
But Lily hadn't imagined the emotion she had seen there.
Cassie was running out into the surf, and Andrew watched her for a moment before turning again to face Lily. "I blew it, didn't I? Gunner always said I was transparent as hell. You don't have to stand there as if I turned you to stone. There's nothing to be afraid of."
Lily started toward him. "I'm not afraid of you."
He gazed at her skeptically. "You're shaking in your shoes. You want to run away and hide."
"Nonsense." She wanted to wipe her damp palms on her shorts but forced them to remain at her sides. "Why should I be nervous?"
"Because now you know I want to go to bed with you," he said simply. "No, you know I'm crazy to go to bed with you and you're afraid 111 make you crazy enough to do it."
Lily tried to laugh. "I'm not one of the coeds you probably had panting after you. I'm a mother who has responsibilities and who—"
"Put her sexual feelings in the deep freeze before Cassie was born." Andrew finished her sentence. "Well, it's time somebody pushed the defrost button, Lily."
"You?" Lily deliberately injected a note of scorn in her voice. "Hardly."
"Me." For the first time she detected a steely determination in the softness of his voice. "Definitely me. Did you call Henry last night?"
"Yes."
"Then you know I'm not someone who's going to hurt you. What did he say?"
"That you were probably the most remarkable man he'd ever met and that I should trust you."
"And were you going to trust me before you found out I wanted you?"
She was silent a moment before admitting reluctantly, "Yes."
"Then nothing is changed."
"Everything Is changed."
"What? I'm going to seduce you, not rape you. I understand the word no." His eyes twinkled with sudden mischief. "I just want you to learn how to say yes. Since we're going to have Cassie for a chaperon most of the time, it's going to be difficult as hell for me even to get the chance to teach you."
"You're treating me as if I'm some kind of emotional retard," Lily said. "I assure you I'm perfectly normal and far from frigid."
Andrew shook his head. "I know. love. Youre
very passionate, and that's the problem. You're afraid of losing control again with any man, after what Baldor did to you." He smiled coaxingly as his gaze moved over her face caressingly. "But you're safe with me. You'll always be safe with me."
Incredibly, she found herself wanting to believe him. His expression was loving, his eyes clear and free from lies. She tore her gaze from his own to speak haltingly. "I think you'd better go away. Perhaps you've concocted some kind of idiotic scenario where you and I and Cassle live happily ever after, but when you grow up you'll find there aren't any fairy tales in this day and age. What happened nine years ago was both clinical and final and has nothing to do with the present or the future."
He chuckled. "I wish you'd stop referring to me as if I were Joe College—and slightly Immature, at that. You'd be surprised how long ago I received my degree." He sobered. "When we grow older, Lily, we have to create our own fairy tales out of the materials at hand."
She shook her head. "Life isn't like that."
"K can be." He held out his hand. "Sit beside me"
Exasperated, she stood looking down at him. "Why won't you go away? IVe told you it's no good."
"And IVe told you 111 be patient and not rush you. I won't even touch you unless you say it's okay. I just want to be with you and talk to you. YouVe never had anyone with whom to share Cas-
sie, and I think you're going to like having someone to talk to who is as interested in her as you. You're a very giving woman, Lily." He held her gaze. "Children grow up so soon, and shared experiences are richer. Sit down, love."
She found herself dropping down beside him on the sand and then wondered why on earth she had given in to his plea. She hadn't intended to stay. She had intended to call Cassie and return to the house. She could still do it, she assured herself. She'd just stay a few minutes and then get up and leave Andrew. "Who's Gunner?" Andrew looked at her with sudden wariness. 'The man who said you were transparent." "Gunner Nilsen, an old friend. He and his wife and I are sharing a cabin about a half mile from the crest of that cliff." "Oh, then Cassie was right." Andrew looked at her inquiringly. "She didn't know how she knew your name was Andrew. She thought she must have heard someone call you."
Andrew's lids lowered to veil his eyes. "That sounds reasonable."
"I'm glad you're not claiming it was daughterly instinct," Lily said dryly. "That would be carrying it a bit far."
"No, I'm not claiming daughterly instinct." His gaze shifted to Cassie. "She's really beautiful, isn't she?" The expression on Andrew's face was also beautiful, Lily thought in bemusement. "Has she always liked the water?"
"No, she was actually afraid of it before we took lessons together at the YWCA last year."
&n
bsp; "Tell me about it." Andrew settled back on one elbow. "Tell me all about her. I've missed a hell of a lot, haven't I?"
For an instant Lily thought he was trying to lull her into a sense of security, but there was no mistaking the wistfulness of Andrew's expression. He had missed a lot, she thought suddenfy. All of those precious years when Cassie was a baby and then a toddler* the moment when she had discovered her music, the laughter at her second birthday party when she'd plunged both chubby hands into the icing of the chocolate cake. Lily had all those memories, but he had nothing.
She was silent for a long moment, and then, slowly, she began to tell him about Cassie.
Three
"How's Cassie's concerto coming?" Andrew asked as he wadded up the tinfoil wrapper from his ham sandwich and threw It into the surf.
"Very well." She frowned. "You shouldn't throw refuse into the ocean. It's polluted enough."
"Sorry, you're right. I didn't think." He bit into his sandwich before looking up with a grin. "Shall I swim out and get it?"
Lily tilted her head quizzically. "What would you do if I said yes?"
"I'd swim out and get it."
Lily threw back her head and laughed. "You probably would do it. You're completely impossible, do you know that?"
'Tve been accused of it before." He took another bite. "But there's a method to my madness. Ladies are said to like flamboyant, romantic gestures."
"Really?"
"You needn't raise your eyebrows at me. It's
true. I'd also get soaked to the skin, and you're so softhearted you'd feel obliged to take me home and dry me off. It would actually be a very clever move on my part"
"And completely calculated."
The smile left his lips. "No," he said quietly. "I was joking. I'd do it because you wanted me to do it. Ill always give you what you want, if it's within my power, Lily."
She had known he was joking. In the past two weeks she had discovered there was nothing calculating about Andrew. She looked quickly away down the beach at Cassie, who was putting the finishing touches on an enormous sand castle. "Impossible. Utterly impossible."