Mr. Song frowned and said, “That’s unfortunate,” which made me defensive.
“It’s because when my mother died, the medical bills were astronomical. We don’t have any health insurance.”
“But times are different now. Recent changes in the law don’t allow insurance companies to deny children under nineteen coverage on the basis of a pre-existing condition.” He’d lost me. He must have seen the confusion on my face because he explained, “It used to be that if Lisa did have a condition, the insurance company could refuse to cover her, but now they can’t do that anymore. She could get free or low-cost health insurance.”
I’d had no idea. I felt torn between fear at the thought of Lisa with a disease and elation at the possibility of providing health insurance for her. “What would we have to do?”
“I’ll give you the right forms. The main thing is for your father to sign them. If the parent refuses to diagnose or treat the child, then we enter into a gray area of ethics. Usually, unless actual threat to the child’s life can be proven, the school’s hands are tied.”
“I don’t know if I can convince Pa.”
“I’d be glad to come by and talk to him.”
Pa was so intimidated by school officials, I didn’t think he would hear anything Mr. Song had to say. “I’m afraid that might do more harm than good.”
Mr. Song scribbled something down on a business card and passed it to me. “That’s my personal cell phone. If you think there’s any chance I could do anything, day or night, just give me a ring.”
“Thank you. It helps just to know you’re out there.”
—
I couldn’t wait to talk to Pa about Lisa and her insurance, but I didn’t want to barge into the noodle restaurant again. This was too important. I needed to keep my head level. I’d talk to him tonight or maybe even tomorrow morning, when we were both calm and rested.
When I got to work, Simone wasn’t there. As Adrienne started the Monday meeting, she said, “I’m sorry to have to tell you that Simone is in the hospital. She won’t be coming back to the studio due to some personal problems.”
“What?!” Mateo exclaimed. “Is she all right?”
Nina looked sad. She knows something, I thought.
“She is fine now.” Dominic continued, “She has had some health issues and we must respect her privacy. She sends all of you her love. We will miss her greatly and wish her the best. We’ll also need to redistribute her students and will be speaking to you individually as soon as we’ve made our decisions. For starters, Nina, since you’re our remaining competitive Latin dancer, we are hoping that you’ll take Simone’s place with Keith in the competition.”
Nina glanced at me. I gulped. The last thing I wanted was to have to compete against her. I closed my eyes for a moment. I knew that whatever happened, we’d be friends first and competitors second. When I met her eyes, I managed to smile. She relaxed, then said, “Sure.”
It had never occurred to me that Simone would leave. In the locker room, the teachers were abuzz, but I noticed again that Nina kept silent.
Katerina said, “Why would she go?”
Mateo said, “Sweetheart, those wet eyes of hers, the acne, the way she was so jittery. The nasal spray?”
When Katerina still looked blank, he said, “Cocaine. And probably a whole load of other stuff too.”
—
I talked to Nina alone as soon as we were both free. “You knew about Simone and the drugs.” It wasn’t a question.
Nina nodded. “Simone and I worked together at my old studio in the East Village. We used to be pretty tight, then I had to stay away from her for my own health because she was still using.”
“But why did she do it? She seemed to have everything.”
“Simone had a hard upbringing. I think she was sexually abused. She even worked in a strip club for a while.”
I gasped.
Nina wasn’t meeting my eyes. “I was embarrassed to tell you this before, but when the dance studios wouldn’t hire me back, I auditioned at a club to be a cocktail waitress too. I had a baby at home. It was so gross. I was still me and, God help me, I thought about taking the easy way out. Simone told me about it because she knew I was hard up. They’re not allowed to touch the waitresses at that place and it’d be a couple of hundred a night. I’d be able to clear out my bills, take care of Sammy, help out my folks. So it sounded okay to me, you know?”
“Did you go through with it?”
“Well no, because I bombed the audition. The guy just looked at me for a long time at first. I guess I passed that part, because then he asked me three questions. First: ‘Do you do drugs?’ I’d stopped so I could say no. Second, ‘Do you have a boyfriend?’ I didn’t like that because it sounded like he was hitting on me but I thought, ‘Hey, I can handle guys,’ so I said no. Last one wasn’t really a question. He said, ‘Take off your shirt.’ I asked him why and he said the management wanted to know. I got it.”
I stared at her blankly. “I don’t.”
“The management was planning to have sex with me. They probably did all of the new girls and he needed to check me out first. I told that guy to screw himself and walked out. I have to live up to my little dude. I need to be a mommy that will make him proud when he grows up.”
“I can’t believe Simone went through that.”
“Like I said, the childhood stuff will mess you up. Her dad died when she was young and I think her stepdad . . . Well, all of her relationships with men were crazy. It was like she had no boundaries left.”
I thought of Ryan, who’d also lost his father. Nina had just shared so much with me and I trusted her too. I blurted, “I went to a party with Ryan this weekend. I really like him, Nina.”
But her reaction was less forgiving than I’d hoped. “Charlie.” Her face was stern. “Listen to me. I’ve been through it. You’re dancing with him. He’s your partner. You rely on him, he counts on you. It’s so easy to fall under the spell, but is it real? And what about being a dancer and a teacher?”
I pressed my lips together. “I know all those things and yet I still want to be with him.”
“Everyone wants to be with their partners. Take the energy and use it on the dance floor. Don’t make that leap and then regret it the rest of your life, like me.”
—
I braced myself to see Ryan again after our date in Spanish Harlem. Now that it was summer, he came to the studio fairly late in the evenings because he basically worked until the sunlight was gone. This was one of the busiest times of the year for him, yet he was still making time for our lessons.
Following everything that had happened and my latest conversation with Nina, I had once again resolved to be absolutely professional with him from now on, but the moment he stepped into the studio in his big boots and gardener’s outfit, I melted.
I stood by him as he bent to change into the dance shoes he’d bought. “Do you think anyone on earth has wider feet than you do?”
“I often think they’re like two loaves of bread.” Then he peeked at me through his hair, which had fallen into his eyes. “Sometimes I worry I might embarrass you when I come in straight from work. Not the kind of clothing Keith would wear.”
“No.” I cleared my throat. “I’m proud you’re my student. Come on, let’s get started.”
It felt better than right to dance with Ryan again, but I blocked any other thoughts from my mind and heart. He must have decided to do the same, because he didn’t bring up anything personal again. I told myself it was better this way.
—
Pa wasn’t home yet when I got back from the studio that night. I decided to wait until the next morning, when we both wouldn’t be exhausted.
At the breakfast table, Lisa poked at her steamed bun. Pa was praying long and hard at Ma’s altar. I knew he hoped her spirit would
be able to help us. He’d been going to temple more often as well. When he finally joined us, I brought out the stack of forms that Mr. Song had given me. “Pa, I went to see Lisa’s guidance counselor yesterday about her health problems.”
They both looked up. Pa said, “Why did you do that? Now the school will think she’s a bad student.”
“That’s crazy. Why would they do that? She’s having a medical problem and they should be aware of it.”
“It’ll bias the teachers against her. They’ll think she’s a sickly child.” Pa had grown up in Communist China, where the less you said to any official, the better.
Lisa said, “I like Mr. Song. What did he say?”
“He told me that we could probably get low-cost or even free medical coverage for you. That means we’d be able to send you to doctors and get your tests. We could find out what’s going on.” I could barely contain my excitement. “The money wouldn’t be a problem anymore.”
Both Lisa and Pa looked taken aback. Lisa shrank into her chair. “I don’t know, Charlie. I don’t want to be tested by loads of doctors.”
“Who knows what they will do to her?” Pa added. “They told Mr. Lee he had asthma. He had needles, inhalers and then it turned out he had lung cancer. Within five months, he was dead. Almost bankrupted his family as well.”
“We’d be insured. We wouldn’t have to pay.”
Pa’s face was bitter. “They lie. When your ma was in the hospital, the doctors told me not to worry too. They didn’t tell me what the bills would be like. Those big companies tell you one thing, but when you owe the money, it’s a whole other story.”
I struggled to stay calm. “Pa, this is different from China. There are laws. They can’t say you’re insured for something and then suddenly, you’re not.”
“You don’t know the way the world works, Charlie. Uncle Henry doesn’t believe in it either and he’s an educated man. And I don’t want Lisa to disappear into a hospital where they’re doing all kinds of things to her. They can use her like a test rabbit.”
I finally understood. For Pa, it wasn’t even about the bills. It was about losing control to a foreign system and watching someone you loved die slowly. I felt my face soften, but I knew this was important. “All I want is to help find out what’s going on with Lisa and heal her.”
“That’s what I’m trying to do!”
“Pa, don’t you realize how much Lisa’s symptoms are like Ma’s? Aren’t you scared?”
Lisa drew in a quick breath. I immediately laid my hand over hers, regretting I’d frightened her.
The veins on Pa’s forehead bulged. “I’m thinking about it day and night. It would help me if you would work with us instead of deserting us for that foreign world of yours. Ever since you’ve started working at the computer company, you’ve changed. I don’t even know who my daughter is anymore.” He stood up, grabbed his keys and walked out of the apartment.
I clenched my fists. Lisa had her head down on the table. I tried to keep the anger out of my voice. “Lisa, why didn’t you help me there?”
“I don’t want to go to the hospital.”
I was on my own.
—
The first time I saw Nina and Keith dance together, a pang ran through me. She was simply stunning. Simone had been a brilliant dancer but when she danced, it was her technique that stood out. It had sometimes seemed as if she was going through the motions. Despite any strip clubs she might have worked in, Simone had been uptight. I’d heard her laughing when Keith made a joke, saying, “That is so humorous,” which took the fun out of anything. I saw now that she had been constantly trying to fill a role that only she could see in her mind.
Nina existed in a relaxed glow that just made you want to be near her. She made it all look easy. I saw Keith smiling with her and knew that her popularity in high school hadn’t been because of her looks. It was just Nina. Despite their age difference, Keith and Nina looked fantastic together. He blossomed as well, dancing with a passion and freedom I hadn’t seen in him before. Watching their rumba, my heart rose with the thrill of the dance, then sank as I thought of the competition. Of course Nina had learned their routine in a heartbeat. They would undoubtedly win. For a moment, I was consumed by jealousy.
Then I remembered something Ma once said to me. “The hardest part of making a sacrifice isn’t the moment when you do it. That’s the easiest. You’re too busy being proud of yourself for being so noble. What’s hard is the day after that and the following one and all of those days to come. It’s needing to make that sacrifice over and over again, the rest of your life, while in your mind, you can still taste that which you lost. Or what you think you lost.”
—
Now that Lisa was out of school for the summer and didn’t need to keep up appearances, I felt like she wasn’t even really trying anymore. I gripped Lisa’s upper arm with one hand and the stopwatch with the other. Pa was on the left side of Lisa, propping her under her armpit, straining a bit from the effort. Lisa let us hold most of her weight. I hated being at home more and more. But I continued to make Lisa do her exercises, not because I still believed I could save her that way, but because I couldn’t think of anything else to do for her. I’d told Mr. Song that my father refused to sign the documents. He’d offered again to talk to Pa but I knew that would do more harm than good.
“I’m tired,” she said. “I hate this. Let go of me.”
“Just another minute and then we can stop, Lisa,” I said. There was no response. She swayed, then tried to drag herself back into her chair.
“Lisa? Hey.” I had to struggle with her body to keep it upright. “Stop it! Stop!” I yelled. Her left arm flailed out and struck Pa in the stomach. He hung on.
Suddenly, all of the frustration and fury burst inside me. I grabbed Lisa’s arms and held them to her sides. “Stop it! Lisa, what are you doing? Do you care about anything anymore? What is going on? Just talk to me!”
“Charlie, it’s all right,” Pa said. I barely heard him.
“Let her go,” he said, pulling at my arm. I didn’t look at him.
Lisa was staring into the distance, beyond my face, still leaning her body backward. I shook her, twice, hard.
“Let her go!” Pa cried.
“Lisa!” My entire body was boiling hot. “What is happening to you? Why are you like this? Tell me!” I was shouting into her face.
Lisa stirred weakly. “What?”
“No! Stop being like that. Stop it!” I grabbed her under both armpits and shook her. Lisa slumped, off balance. Her head rolled back and forth. I swung my left arm and slapped her hard.
“Enough.” Pa’s face was wet with tears. “Enough!” He grabbed me and pulled me off of my sister. She sank into a chair, while I batted weakly at Pa’s arm. Her cheek was crimson. She was gasping, as if she was too stunned to cry.
I ran from the apartment.
—
There was nowhere I could go to escape myself. I fled to the temple and knelt on one of the burgundy cushions in front of the goddess Kuan Yin. I bent my head so no one could see my expression. I felt like I was running a fever, nauseated by what I had done. A woman was kneeling next to me, shaking a tube filled with bamboo kau cim, which were fortune-telling sticks called the Oracle of Kuan Yin. One stick with a number inked on it fell out. She retrieved it and went to find the corresponding written oracle slip, which would give her the answer she’d sought. I was glad to be alone when she left. I laced my hands together and set them against the bridge of my nose. I closed my eyes. I couldn’t even speak to the gods.
After a while, a figure approached. I looked up to find one of the monks, clad in his saffron robes. “I apologize for the intrusion but walking meditation is beginning.” I realized another monk had been beating on the ornately carved wooden drum that signaled the start of the ceremony.
“I’m
sorry.” I stood up with haste and wobbled for a moment on my feet.
He steadied me with a hand. “I wish you peace.” His face seemed ageless and kind.
I could feel the weight in how he held my forearm. He was present in every gesture. “I just hurt someone I love.”
“The great gods have great compassion. They have already forgiven you. You did not act from evil.”
I took a half breath, unable to fill my tight chest completely. “She’s young and defenseless. We promised never to hurt her.” Corporal punishment was common in many traditional Chinese families but Pa and Ma had never believed in it. Even though Uncle had told Pa he was spoiling us, Pa had never raised a hand. But now I’d struck her and, more important, I’d betrayed her trust in me.
“To be human is to be under assault. So much around us leads us to close ourselves off, to harden. And sometimes we act thus. But in spite of all this, we must choose to open, and to open again. Breathe. Open. You will be all right.” With that, he left.
I did as he said and felt the scent of oranges and incense seep into me. I moved to the back of the room to join the line that was already forming for walking the winds of fate, which was what we called this form of meditation. We believed that this was a way to turn aside the evil winds of fate that entered every life. Slowly, I gave myself over to the chanting of the monks as I followed the line of practitioners circling the temple. I did not find salvation, but something of the turmoil inside quieted. When the walking meditation was over, I realized Todd had been a few feet behind me in the line. I’d always thought witches avoided temples since they were willing to engage in darker rituals the monks would never condone. Monks had contact with the true gods, while witches trafficked with the petty ones. I avoided his eyes and hurried away before he could greet me.
—
I returned to the apartment, where Lisa was sleeping on the couch. I bent over and kissed her on her hair. She stirred, realized it was me, then turned away, huddling into the cushions. I deserved it. I held her anyway. “I’m so sorry, Lisa.”
A heavy hand clasped me on the shoulder. It was Pa. He looked at my face, then without a word, he took me in his arms.