Jordan nodded jerkily. “She seems okay.” He smiled bitterly. “As well as could be expected after a blow on the head like that.”
“It was an accident,” Cam said gently. “You speak as if you struck her with a blackjack.”
“The result was the same. I could have killed her. God, I hoped this time it would be different. I hoped I could keep her safe.”
“It is different.” Cam took an impulsive step forward. “Forget Bandora. If there was any guilt there, it was your father’s and not yours.”
“No, I was to blame then too. Just as I am now.”
“Jordan, dammit, you can’t—” Cam broke off. He had fought this battle before and had never been able to convince Jordan. He should have known he’d be even more bullheaded on the subject after Sara’s injury. “You’re wrong and someday I’m going to make you see it.”
Jordan shook his head. “Thanks for trying, Cam.” He descended the last three steps and started across the hall toward the front door. “I’m going for a walk.”
Cam looked at him in surprise. “In the middle of the night?”
“I need to do something.” Jordan jerked the door open. “Anything. Stay awake in case Sara needs something, will you?” He smiled mirthlessly. “She’d probably have a relapse if I went back into her room. She made it clear she didn’t want me there. Who the hell can blame her?”
“I’ll watch her. Be careful if you go down to the shore. We don’t want another casualty.”
“It would be no great loss.” He glanced over his shoulder and smiled bitterly. “But don’t worry, I’m one of the destroyers of the world, not one of the victims.”
“That’s a bunch of bull.”
“Is it? Look at the record.”
Eight
“You must be feeling better.” Cam smiled with pleasure as he watched Sara coming down the stairs. “That’s terrific. No more headache?”
Sara shook her head. “I feel fine. Where’s Jordan?”
A flicker of surprise crossed Cam’s face. “Now, that’s a question I didn’t expect. Do you want to know because you want to see him or because you want to avoid him?”
“I want to see him,” Sara said crisply. “Right now. Where is he?”
“Down at the launch. He’s arranging a phone patch up to Penny Lassiter’s apartment in San Francisco.” Cam frowned. “Look, Jordan’s feeling pretty rough this morning. If you’re planning on mounting a full-scale attack, can’t it wait until—”
“Why is he feeling rough?” Sara interrupted. “His reaction to this accident has definitely been on the extreme side.”
Cam hesitated. “Jordan is complicated.”
“So he told me. He thinks that was why I was attracted to him.”
“Was it?”
A sudden smile lit her face. “Perhaps. In the beginning.”
“But not now?”
“Oh, no,” she said softly. “Not now.”
Cam’s face narrowed on her face, noting the faint flush coloring her cheeks and the brilliant sparkling of her eyes. “You’re not angry any longer. Maybe sleep did bring counsel after all?”
“I did some thinking.” She turned toward the door. “And made a few decisions.”
“Sara.”
She glanced back at him and was surprised to see his expression was troubled. “What’s wrong?”
“You’re going to try to work out your problems with Jordan, aren’t you?”
“Why the long face? I thought that’s what you wanted.”
“I do.” He hesitated. “It’s just that it may be too late.”
She felt a swift thrust of fear. “What do you mean?”
“There’s a hell of a lot you don’t know about Jordan,” he said quietly. “And this accident triggered something pretty traumatic in him.”
“The reason I don’t know as much as I should about Jordan is because no one will tell me,” Sara said with exasperation. “He’s always been a bloody mystery man and I’m getting pretty tired of running into walls wherever I go. Will you please spit out what you mean instead of giving me these blasted hints.”
“I can’t do that. I wasn’t at Bandora when it happened and what Jordan told me later was in strict confidence.”
“For heaven’s sake, I’m his wife, Cam.”
Cam shook his head stubbornly. “I promised. You’ll have to ask him.”
“You’re just as obstinate as he is.” She strode toward the door and flung it open. “I will ask him and I’ll get a few answers too.”
“I hope so,” Cam murmured as the door swung shut behind her. “Lord, I hope so, luv.”
“Jordan.” Sara moistened her dry lips with her tongue. Damn, she was nervous. She had been filled with such optimism and joy when she had opened her eyes this morning and now Cam’s words had robbed her of both. She took a step closer to the launch and called again, “Jordan. It’s Sara.”
Jordan stepped out of the cabin and stood looking at her. “What are you doing out of bed? Dammit, you’re not even wearing a coat. Are you trying to catch pneumonia?” He tore off his blue-jean jacket as he strode across the deck and down the gangplank. He draped the jacket over her shoulders, thrusting her right arm in the sleeve. “If you wanted to see me, why couldn’t you have sent Cam down?” He thrust her left arm in the other sleeve and began to button the jacket. “Or maybe you wanted to make a try for the launch again? I won’t let you leave, Sara. There’s no way—”
“Will you please be quiet,” she asked crossly. “In the first place, I don’t need this damn jacket. The sweater I’m wearing is thick enough to keep an Eskimo warm.” She was more than warm, she realized breathlessly. He was only a half step away and the scent of soap and his aftershave was enveloping her. The top button of his blue chambray shirt was undone and she could glimpse the dark hair that thatched his chest. She had a sudden urge to touch him, to wind her fingers in the soft springiness of his hair. She jerked her gaze back to his face and tried to remember what she’d been saying. “Cam said the doctor told you I’d be back to normal in twenty-four hours, and he was right. I feel fine.” He started to speak, but she put her fingers over his lips to silence him. “And I didn’t come down to hijack the launch either. Now that we’ve disposed of all that foolishness, may I tell you why I did come?”
He didn’t answer. She realized her fingers on his lips were trembling, the flesh tingling as his warm breath touched her like a kiss. Her hand dropped to her side and she laughed shakily. “Did you manage to patch into Penny’s line?”
“Cam told you?” He looked away from her. “Not yet, but the phone company is working on it. It won’t do you any good. Either Cam or I will be manning the radio all the time. You’re not going to be able to send an SOS.”
“Did I say I wanted to send a message? It would hardly do me any good to contact Penny. I think she’s demonstrated who’s corner she’s in on this matter.” She thrust her hands into the pockets of the jean jacket. “Now, will you please listen to me?”
“I’m listening.” He still wasn’t looking at her. “Say what you want and get back to the house, where it’s warm.”
“I told you—” She stopped. He thought he was in for some kind of tirade, she realized suddenly. Every muscle of his body was taut and braced to resist it. Tenderness swept through her. “I’m not going to try to leave the island, Jordan.”
If anything, his tension increased. “Sure.”
“I mean it. Dammit, Jordan, look at me.”
His gaze reluctantly moved to her face. “This isn’t a game, Sara. I’ll let you go as soon as it’s safe for you but don’t try—”
“Hush.” She cupped his face in her hands. “You couldn’t force me to leave. I’m staying. Is that clear?”
“No.” His face was expressionless. “It’s not at all clear.”
“Then I’ll try to be more explicit.” She drew a deep breath. She shouldn’t have touched him. Heat was spiraling through her and she wanted to get the words o
ver with so that she could move into his arms. If he still wanted her. Oh, Lord, what if he didn’t want her now? Jordan’s face held no emotion whatever and Cam had been so damn negative. “I want to try living together again. I’ve been thinking and—” She stopped. This was even harder than she had imagined it would be.
Jordan’s expression remained unrevealing, but she could feel the shock that rippled through his body. “Why?”
“I think we could make our marriage work.”
He smiled crookedly. “Where have I heard that before?”
“There were so many things I didn’t understand,” she whispered. “About you and about myself. I still have a great deal to learn, but I’m on the right road.”
He took a step back and her hands fell away from his face. “No.” His voice held a note of violence. “You don’t know what you’re saying. You’re on some kind of guilt trip because you’ve suddenly realized you’re not quite the martyr you thought you were. Now you think I’m the martyr and you should give the poor bastard another chance.”
“I don’t think you’re a martyr.” She was trying to hold on to her patience. “But at the moment I think you’re a stubborn idiot. Listen closely, Jordan, I do feel guilty but not guilty enough to come back and live with you to make some kind of compensation. I would have to have a king-size martyr complex to do something like that.”
“Not necessarily. You still want me physically and that would sweeten the pill.”
She should have known Jordan would pick up the signals she was sending, she thought ruefully. “Yes, it would sweeten it for both of us, wouldn’t it?” He didn’t answer and she felt a tiny flutter of panic. “Or maybe you don’t feel the same way. Don’t you want me anymore, Jordan?”
A betraying muscle jerked in his cheek. “You know better than that,” he said hoarsely. “I’m so hard right now, it’s killing me. I want you all the time. It’s like a fever.”
“And you’re a fever in my blood, too,” she said softly, taking a step toward him “But there’s more than that between us. You once tried to tell me that, but the sex was so strong it seemed to over-shadow everything else and I couldn’t see what it was hiding.”
“And you think you see now?”
She took another step nearer. “I don’t think—I know. I realized last night that no matter how many problems there are to overcome living with you, it’s better than living without you.” She smiled shakily. “It’s amazing how that knock on the head seemed to jar everything into place.”
His face paled. “Don’t joke. I almost killed you.”
“You didn’t do any such thing.” She frowned. “It was an accident. I slipped on the stones, dammit.”
He turned away. “Go back to the house.” He strode across the pier and up the gangplank. “Did Cam fix you any breakfast?”
“Breakfast?” She gazed at him, stunned. “If I’d wanted breakfast, I would have fixed it myself. I needed to talk to you. Where the hell are you going?”
“We’ve talked,” he said curtly. “There’s nothing more to say.”
“You stop right there, Jordan Bandor.” Her voice was trembling. “I need an answer and you’re going to give me one.”
He stopped but didn’t turn around. “I gave you an answer.”
Pain. She couldn’t believe there could be this much pain. “No?”
“No.”
She swallowed. “Why?”
“I told you I’d never risk—” He broke off. “Go tell Cam to give you some breakfast.” Without another word he disappeared into the cabin.
He hadn’t really said he didn’t love her, and he did want her. She grabbed at the realization with a desperation born of panic. He had said only that he was afraid to risk. Risk what? she wondered in frustration. She took an impulsive step toward the launch and then stopped. It was no use going after Jordan when she had no ammunition with which to fight him. But she’d get that ammunition, blast it. This nonsense had to stop.
She whirled on her heel and strode down the pier and across the rocky shore. A moment later she was swiftly climbing the hill toward the hacienda.
The front door flew open with such force it crashed against the wall. Cam looked up in surprise from the magazine he was flipping through as Sara marched into the room. His lips pursed in a soundless whistle as his gaze fastened on her stormy face. “Problems?”
“You’re damn right there are problems.” Sara slammed the door behind her, strode over to the couch across from the armchair in which Cam was sitting, and plopped down. “What else can you expect when the world is populated with stubborn, idiotic men? But I’ve had enough of it. You’re going to tell me what I need to know if I have to strangle it out of you.”
“My, my, how violent we’re being,” Cam said as he tossed the magazine on the occasional table beside his chair. “I gather Jordan was uncooperative.”
“Jordan was as stubborn as you are. He won’t talk to me.” She found herself blinking back tears. “It hurts, Cam. Maybe I deserve it, but it still hurts.”
“You don’t deserve it.” Cam’s dark eyes were warm with sympathy. “Neither of you deserves it.”
“Then talk to me,” Sara said. “What happened at Bandora?”
“I promised I wouldn’t—” Cam stopped, his gaze resting on Sara’s face. “Oh, stop looking at me like that. I feel as if I’ve kicked a koala.” A sudden smile lit his face. “I guess I can always claim you coerced me. After all, you did threaten to strangle me.”
Sara straightened and leaned forward. “I need to know, Cam.”
“I think you do,” Cam said quietly. “What do you want me to tell you?”
“You said Jordan was scared. What is he afraid of?”
“Death,” Cam said quietly. “Oh, not for himself. I think he’s afraid of killing you.”
Her eyes widened in shock. “That’s crazy. He practically wrapped me in cotton during the time we lived together. I could scarcely breathe much less …” She stopped as understanding suddenly dawned. “Sweet heaven, that’s it, isn’t it?”
Cam nodded slowly. “He built you a nice mink-lined cage to keep you safe, to keep you from wandering away from him to a place where he couldn’t protect you. He has to protect you, Sara. It’s a compulsion that goes way back.”
“Back to Bandora?”
He hesitated before nodding again. “Back to Bandora. How much do you know about Bandora?”
“Not much. Jordan only said he and his father loved the place.”
“The station was an obsession with Jordan’s father, and he raised Jordan to feel the same way about it.” Cam looked down at the bold stripes of the area rug. “The outback can be pretty cruel and godawful lonely. You either love it or hate it. Jordan and his father loved it. Jordan’s mother hated it.” He shrugged. “Who could blame her? She was a city girl from Adelaide and Jordan’s father left her alone on the property a good portion of the time when he started organizing the tourist expeditions into the outback. From the time Jordan was a small child, his father dominated his life. His father and Bandora. Not that Jordan didn’t love his mother, there just didn’t seem room for her.”
Sara shivered. “How terrible it must have been for her. No one to talk to. She must have been so lonely.”
“Yes, she was lonely and unhappy.” Cam paused. “Terribly unhappy. But it was Jordan’s father who was at fault. Not Jordan.”
“Of course not. He was only a child.”
“Jordan doesn’t see it that way. He thinks he should have realized how unhappy she was. He thinks he should have been able to read the signs and prevented it. He told me if he’d only studied her, got to know how she thought and reacted, he might have been able to save her.”
Sara’s hand closed on the arm of the couch. “Save her?”
Cam lifted his gaze to meet her own. “Three days before Jordan and his father were due back from an expedition, she drove a jeep into the outback and didn’t come back. The search party found her body in
the jeep seven days later. She hadn’t taken any water with her and she’d died of heat stroke and thirst.”
“Oh, no,” Sara whispered. “Could it have been an accident?”
Cam shook his head. “She left a note in her bedroom at the station to say good-bye.”
Jordan had been only twelve at the time, Sara remembered. She felt sick as she thought of how he must have felt, the guilt and despair that must have scarred him. “It must have been a nightmare for him.”
Cam nodded. “He nearly went crazy when they found the body. Death by thirst isn’t pleasant.”
“His father took him along?” Sara asked in horror.
“He was considered a man on Bandora.” His lips tightened. “He ran away from the jeep and didn’t come back to the station for over a week. He never told anyone where he had gone or what had happened to him during the week, but somewhere along the way his left eye had been terribly damaged and was infected. The doctors couldn’t save it.”
“But he was only a child,” Sara protested, fighting back the tears. “They should never have let him see his mother. Someone should have stopped them.”
“Jordan’s father was a hard man,” Cam said. “And he raised Jordan in a hard school. I don’t think he even realized his mother’s death would affect Jordan any different than it did him.”
“How did it affect his father?”
“He found it convenient to believe his wife was ‘unbalanced.’ He married my mother a year later.” His lips twisted. “Of course, she had enough money to soothe his grief by making Bandora into the kind of showplace he’d always dreamed.”
“Delightful.”
“But it was too late for Jordan. He couldn’t stand living at Bandora any longer. We were both sent away to school in Melbourne and then traveled for a while. When Jordan’s father died, my mother returned to Marasef and Jordan sold Bandora. We formed Bandora Enterprises and bought our first hotel in Sydney. Four years later Jordan bought Half Moon Bay.” Cam leaned back in his chair. “There it is. Does it help, luv?”