XXIV
The day after my marriage I did not come into the salon until justbefore luncheon, at half-past twelve o'clock. My bride was not there.
"Her Ladyship has gone out walking, Sir Nicholas," Burton informed me ashe settled me in my chair.
I took up a book which was lying upon the table. It was a volume ofLaurence Hope's "Last Poems." It may have come in a batch of newpublications sent in a day or two ago, but I had not remarked it. It wasnot cut all through, but someone had cut it up to the 86th page and hadevidently paused to read a poem called "Listen Beloved," the paper knifelay between the leaves. Whoever it was must have read it over and over,for the book opened easily there, and one verse struck me forcibly:
"Sometimes I think my longing soul remembers A previous love to which it aims and strives, As if this fire of ours were but the embers Of some wild flame burnt out in former lives. Perchance in earlier days I _did_ attain That which I seek for now, so all in vain. Maybe my soul and thine were fused and wed In some great night, long since dissolved and dead."
And then my eye travelled on to the bottom of the page.
"Or has my spirit a divine prevision Of vast vague passions stored in days to be When some strong souls shall conquer their division And two shall be as one eternally."
We are both strong souls, shall we have the strength to conquer outsidethings and be really "one eternally"?
Alathea must have been looking at this not an hour or more ago, what didit make her think of, I wonder?
I determined to ask her to read the whole poem presently, when we shouldbe sitting together in the afternoon.
It had come on to rain and was a wretched dismal day, I wondered whyAlathea had gone out. Probably she is as restless as I am, and beingfree to move, she can express her mood in rapid walking!
I began to plan my course of action.
To go on disturbing her as much as possible--
To give her the impression that I once thought her perfection, but thatshe herself has disillusioned me, and that I am indifferent to her now.
That I am cynical, but am amused to discuss love in the abstract.
That I have friends who divert me, and that I really only want her to bea secretary and companion, and that any interest I may show in her ismerely for my own vanity, because she is, to the world, my wife!
If I can only keep this up, and not soften should I see her distressed,and not weaken or give the show away, I must inevitably win the game,perhaps sooner than I dare hope!
I felt glad she had not been there, so that I could pull myselftogether, and put my armour on, so to speak, before we met.
I heard her come in just before luncheon and go to her room, and thenshe came on to the sitting-room without her hat.
Her taste is as good as Coralie's, probably her new clothes come fromthe same place, she appeared adorable, and now that I can observe her atleisure, she seems extremely young,--the childish outline, and theperfect curve of the little cheek! She does not look over eighteen yearsold, in spite of the firm mouth and serene manner.
I had the poems in my hand.
"I see you have been reading these," I remarked after we had given eachother a cold good-morning.
The pupils of her eyes contracted for a second, she was annoyed withherself that she had left the paper cutter in the book.
"Yes."
"After lunch will you read to me?"
"Of course."
"You like poetry?"
"Yes, some."
"This kind?"
Her cheeks became softly pink.
"Yes, I do. I daresay I should have more classical tastes, but theseseem real, these poems, as if the author had meant and felt what she waswriting about. I am no judge of poetry in the abstract, I only like itif it expresses some truth, and some thought--which appeals to me."
This was quite a long speech for her!
"Then poems about love appeal to you?" I asked surprised.
"Why not?"
"Why not indeed, only you always have seemed so austere and aloof, Ihardly thought such a subject would have interested you!"
She gave a little shrug of her shoulders.
"Perhaps even the working bees have dreams."
"Have you ever been in love?"
She laughed softly, the first time I have ever heard her laugh. It gaveme a thrill.
"I don't think so! I have never talked to any men. I mean men of ourclass."
This relieved me.
"But you dream?"
"Not seriously."
Burton announced luncheon at that moment, and we went in.
We spoke of the rain, and she said she liked being out in the wet. Shehad walked all down the _Avenue Henri Martin_ to the _Bois_. We spoke ofthe war news, and the political situation, and at last we were aloneagain in the salon.
"Now read, will you please."
I lay back in my chair and shaded my eye with my hand.
"Do you want any special poem?"
"Read several, and then get to 'Listen Beloved,' there is a point in itI want to discuss with you."
She took the book and settled herself with her back to the window, alittle behind me.
"Come forward, please. It is more comfortable to listen when one can seethe reader."
She rose reluctantly, and pulled her chair nearer me and the fire, thenshe began. She chose those poems the least sensuous, and the moreabstract. I watched her all the time. She read "Rutland Gate," and hervoice showed how she sympathized with the man. Then she read "Atavism,"and her little highly bred face looked savage! I realized with a quiverof delight that she is the most passionate creature,--of course she is,with that father and mother! Wait until I have awakened her enough, andshe will break through all the barriers of convention and reserve, andpride.
Ah! That will be a moment!
"Now read 'Listen Beloved.'"
She turned the pages, found it, and began, and when she reached the twoverses which had so interested me, she looked up for a second, and herlovely eyes were misty and far away. Then she went on and finished,letting the book drop in her lap.
"That accords with your theory of reincarnation, that souls meet againand again?"
"Yes."
"In one of the books I got upon the subject it said all marriages werekarmic debts or rewards. I wonder what our marriage is, don't you?Perhaps we were two enemies who injured each other, and now have tomake up by being of use, each to each."
"Probably," she was looking down.
"Do you ever have that strange feeling that you are searching forsomething all the time, something of the soul, that you areunsatisfied?"
"Yes, often."
"Read those last verses again."
Her voice is the most beautiful I have ever heard, modulated,expressive, filled with vibrant vitality and feeling, but this is thefirst time she has read anything appertaining to love. I could hear thatshe was restraining all emphasis, and trying to give the sensuouspassionate words a commonplace cold interpretation. Never before has sheread so monotonously. I knew, ("sensed" is the modern word), that thiswas because she probably felt and understood every line and did not wantto let me see it. Suddenly I found myself becoming suffused withemotion.
Why all the delay, the fencing, the fighting, to obtain this desiredthing! This woman--my mate!
That she is my mate I know. My mate because my love is not based uponthe senses alone, but is founded upon reverence and respect. Ihope--believe--I _am certain_ that we shall one day realize the truth ofthe words:
"When some strong-souls shall conquer their division, And two shall be as one eternally! Finding at last upon each others breasts Unutterable calm and infinite rest."
For me, that means love, not the mere gratifying of the huntinginstinct, not the mere primitive passion for the longed for body, but aunion of the souls, which can be satisfied, having soared beyond thelaws of change.
What is it which causes unrest? Obviously because something
is wantingupon one of the planes on which we love, and so that part which isunsatisfied, unconsciously struggles to have its hunger assuagedelsewhere.
There is no aspect of mind, body and soul in me, which I feel would findno counterpart in Alathea. If I reached out to any height spiritually,she could go as high, or higher. The cleverest working of the brain Icould hope to manifest would find a complete comprehension in her. Andas for the body! Any student of physiognomy can see that those delicatelittle nostrils show passion, and that cupid's bow of a mouth willdelight in kisses!
Oh! My loved one, do not make we wait too long!
* * * * *
Ye Gods! What a state of exaltation I was in when I wrote those lineslast night! But they are the truth, even if I now laugh at my expansion!
I wonder how many men are romantic underneath like I am and ashamed toshow it?
When Alathea had finished the verses for the second time, she againdropped the book in her lap.
"What is your conception of love?" I asked casually.
"As I shall always have to crush it out of my life from now onward Iwould rather not contemplate what my conception of it might have been."
"Why must you crush it out?" I asked blandly. "Your fidelity to me wasnot part of the bargain, fidelity has to do with the sex relationships,which do not concern us. One would not ask a secretary to become a nun,on account of one. One would only ask her to behave decently, so as notto shock the world's idea of the situation she was supposed to befilling."
Her face grew subtle, a look came into the eyes which might have comeinto George's or mine. I suddenly realized how well she really knows theworld from the hard school the circumstances of her life have caused herto learn in.
"Then I may take a lover, some day, should I desire to?" she asked alittle cynically.
"Certainly, if you tell me about it and don't deceive me, or make melook ridiculous. The bargain would be too unfair to you at your ageotherwise."
She looked straight into my eye now and hers were a little fierce.
"And you--shall you take a mistress?"
I watched the smoke of my cigarette curling.
"Possibly," I answered lazily, as though the matter were too much aforegone conclusion to discuss. "Should you mind?"
A faint movement showed in her throat as if she had stopped herselfswallowing. She looked down. I know she finds it very difficult to lie,and could not possibly do so if we were gazing at each other.
"Why should I mind?"
"No of course, why should you?"
She looked up then, but not at me. Her eyes flashed and her lip curledin contempt.
"Two seems vulgar though," she snapped.
"I agree with you, the idea wounds my aesthetic senses."
"Then we need not expect another--in the flat just yet?"
At last it was out!
I appeared not to understand, and smoked on calmly, and before I couldanswer the telephone rang. She handed me the instrument, and I said"Hello." It was Coralie! She spoke very distinctly, and Alathea, who wasnear, must have been able to hear most of the words in the silence.
"Nicholas, I am going to be by myself this evening, you will have adinner for me? Just us alone, _hein?_"
I permitted my face to express pleasure and amusement. _My wife_ watchedme agitatedly.
"_Non, chere Amie_--Alas! To-night I am engaged. But I shall see yousoon."
"_Est il vrai--ce mensonge-la?_"
Coralie said this loud!
I put up my hand so as to be able to continue observing Alathea's face.It was the picture of disgust and resentment.
"Yes, it is perfectly true, Coralie--_Bon soir_."
In a temper, one could gather, Coralie put the receiver down! And Ilaughed aloud.
"You see I prefer your intellectual conversation to any of my friends!"I told Alathea.
Alathea's cheeks were a bright pink.
"It is not that," her tone was sarcastic, "so much as that you probablyhave a sense of _tenue_, as the Duchesse says. After a little while youwill not have to observe it so strictly," and she rose from her chairand went to the window. "If you are going to rest now, I would wish togo out," her voice was a little hoarse.
"Yes, do go, and if you will be near the _rue de la Paix_ go intoRoberts' and ask if the new menthol preparation has come, and if sobring it back to me, it takes ages for things to be sent now."
"I was not going to the _rue de la Paix_. I was going to a hospital."
"Never mind then, and don't hurry back, Burton will give me my tea. So_au revoir_ until dinner Miladi."
I had to say all this because I was at breaking point, and could not anylonger have kept up the game, but would have made an ignominioussurrender, and have told her I loved her, and loathed the idea of amistress, and would certainly murder any lover she should ever glanceat!
She went from the room without a word more. And left alone I tried tosleep, but it was no good. I was too excited. I don't think I am such afool as to flatter myself. I am trying to look at the situationabstractedly. And it seems to me that Alathea is certainly interested inme, certainly jealous of Suzette, of Coralie, furious with herself forbeing so, really convinced now that she has lost her hold upon me,--andis uneasy, rebellious, disturbed and unhappy!
All this is perfectly splendid,--my darling little girl!
After a while I went to sleep in my chair, and was awakened by Burtoncoming in to turn on the lamps.
"Her Ladyship has ordered tea in her room, Sir Nicholas," he told me,"Shall I bring yours here?"
"Her Ladyship has come in then?" I said.
"Her Ladyship did not go out, Sir," Burton answered surprised.
What did this mean I wondered? But I saw no sign of Alathea until shecame in ready for dinner as the clock struck eight.
She was pale but perfectly composed, she had evidently been having somebattle with herself and had won.
All through dinner she talked more politely and indifferently than shehas for a long time. She was brilliantly intelligent, and I had a mostdelightful repast. We both came up to the scratch, I think.
She longs to visit Italy, she told me; she has not been there since shewas a child. I said I would take her directly the war would be over, andthings in the way of travel had become possible again. How strong herwill must be to have so mastered herself. No slightest sign of emotion,one way or another, showed now. She was the serene, aloof companion ofthe day at Versailles, before Suzette's shadow fell upon us. I grewpuzzled, as the evening wore on, and just a little unsure of myself. HadI gone too far? Had I over disgusted her? Had all interest died out, andso is she enabled to fulfill the bargain without any more disturbance ofmind?
I asked her to play to me at last, I was growing so apprehensive, andshe went from one divine thing to another for quite an hour, and then atten o'clock stopped and said a dignified and casual "good-night" leavingme sitting in my chair.
I heard twelve and one strike after I too went to bed, no sleep wouldcome, I was reviewing things, and strengthening my courage. Then I gotup and hobbled into the salon to get the "Last Poems," the door wasopen, why I don't know, nor do I know what impelled me to go out intothe passage and towards Alathea's room, some powerful magnet seemed todraw me. The carpets are very deep and soft, no noise of footfalls canbe heard. I crept near the door and stopped. What was that faint sound?I listened, yes it was a sob. I crept nearer.
_Alathea was crying._
A soft continued moaning as of one in resigned distress. I could hardlybear it. I could hardly prevent myself from opening the door and goingto her to comfort her.
My darling, darling little girl!
Flight was my only resource. So I left her to her tears, and returned tomy bed, and when I was safely there and could think, a wild sense oftriumph and power and satisfaction filled me! The weight, which all theevening her marvelous self-control had been able to make me feel, liftedfrom my heart, and I rejoiced!
Is
it possible that the primitive instinct of the joy of conquest couldmake of me such a brute!
_It gave me pleasure to know that my little love suffered!_
The sooner would she belong to me--quite!