If that person insists on asking how things are going, let him know politely but firmly that you are not going to discuss it negatively in any way.
Do as the Bible says and be slow to speak, quick to hear, and slow to take offense or get angry.
Whenever you hear something that upsets you and causes you to want to react rashly, stop and think, “What's the devil trying to do to me here?”
What he is probably trying to do is to nullify your prayer of forgiveness by baiting you into rehearsing the offense over and over again.
What good does it do any of us to tell somebody else how bad we have been hurt? Now I am not saying we should never share with our spouse or minister or close friend what is happening in our life. But we must preserve a balance here. We must be careful not to destroy someone else's character or reputation. Just because someone has wronged us does not give us the right to wrong that person in return. Two wrongs don't make a right.
Forgive to keep Satan from getting the advantage over you. Refuse to take the devil's bait. Don't keep rehearsing the offense. If you really want to get over something hurtful, then stop thinking and talking about it.
A Tone of Mercy
And when they came to the place which is called The Skull [Latin: Calvary; Hebrew: Golgotha], there they crucified Him, and [along with] the criminals, one on the right and one on the left.
And Jesus prayed, Father, forgive them, for they know not what they do. … Luke 23:33,34
I have shared this example often, but I am sharing it again because I believe it is a very powerful one.
My husband's mother raised eight children almost single-handedly. Today all of those children are serving the Lord.
While they were little, she had to clean other people's homes just to make ends meet because she was not on any kind of government welfare program. All she had to support herself and her family was a small monthly Social Security check. As the older children grew up, they helped her and the rest of the family. Everyone did what he could to bring in some money.
That environment in which Dave grew up would be called poor by today's standards. But all of those children knew they were loved. They were taken to church and taught Christian values and principles. And that upbringing has had a lasting effect upon each of them.
In all the years Dave and I have been married, I have never heard him or any of his family members say one downgrading thing about their dad, even though he was the one most responsible for their difficult situation all that time. He was in bondage to alcohol and died when Dave was sixteen years old. His family has always presented the issue with a tone of mercy. I believe their forgiving attitude has opened doors of blessing in their lives.
When Jesus was hanging on the cross, He prayed for those who were tormenting Him, saying, “Father, forgive them for they know not what they do.” You and I need to clothe ourselves with Jesus, to take on His character and personality. We need to quit being so concerned about what others are doing to us and become more concerned with what they are doing to themselves by the way they are treating us.
In the Old Testament, the Lord said to the enemies of His people Israel, … Touch not My anointed … (1 Chron. 16:22). Since you and I are children of God, we are His anointed. People place themselves in a dangerous position when they mistreat us, so we need to pray for them. We need to have mercy on them and do as Jesus did, asking God to forgive them because they do not realize what they are doing.
Bless, Not Curse
Now I would like to cite three very important Scriptures relating to forgiveness to see if you can detect a common thread in each of them that we often overlook in seeking to be able to forgive someone who has hurt us.
You have heard that it was said, You shall love your neighbor and hate your enemy;
But I tell you, Love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you. Matthew 5:43,44
Invoke blessings upon and pray for the happiness of those who curse you, implore God's blessing (favor) upon those who abuse you [who revile, reproach, disparage, and high-handedly misuse you]. Luke 6:28
Bless those who persecute you [who are cruel in their attitude toward you]; bless and do not curse them. Romans 12:14
Do you see what is missing when we just forgive our enemies and go no further?
Let me share with you a lesson I learned from ministering on this subject of forgiveness.
I once asked the Lord, “Father, why is it that people come to our meetings and pray to be able to learn to forgive, yet in just a short time they are right back again still having problems and asking for help?”
The first thing the Lord told me about such people is this: “They don't do what I tell them in the Word.”
You see, although God tells us in His Word to forgive others, He does not stop there. He goes on to instruct us to bless them.
In this context, the word bless means “to speak well of.”4 So one of our problems is that although we pray and forgive those who have offended us, we turn right around and curse them with our tongues or we rehash the offense again and again with others.
That won't work!
To work through the process of forgiveness and enjoy the peace we seek, we must do what God has told us to do, which is not only to forgive but also to bless.
One reason we find it so hard to pray for those who have hurt us and mistreated us is that we have a tendency to think we are asking God to bless them physically or materially.
The truth is that we are not praying for them to make more money or have more possessions, we are praying for them to be blessed spiritually. What we are doing is asking God to bring truth and revelation to them about their attitude and behavior so they will be willing to repent and be set free from their sins.
I know how hard it can be to speak well of people who have done us wrong. Let me give you an example from my own experience.
Some time ago we moved into a nice house in a new subdivision. The only problem was that the builder of that house did not follow through with all the repairs he had promised to make. So we ended up having to spend extra time and money fixing up things that should not have been our responsibility. But we were determined not to “bad mouth” him. Why? Because we didn't want Satan to get the advantage over us.
One evening I saw a young woman out taking her little boy for a walk near our home, so I struck up a conversation with her.
“Are you enjoying your new house?” I asked, trying to be friendly.
“Oh, yes,” she answered, “but don't get me started on the builder!”
Now this was a sweet lady, but I recognized right away that the devil was trying to bait me. How my flesh would have liked to respond, “Oh, go right ahead — get started!”
I was so tempted to encourage her to start downgrading the builder. But just then it came to me what to say.
“Well,” I replied, “I guess it would be hard to find any builder who would do everything 100 percent right.”
That remark turned the entire conversation.
It is not enough that we forgive others, we must be careful not to curse them, not to speak evil of them even if it seems they deserve it. Instead, we must do as Jesus did and bless them, speak well of them. Why? Because in so doing, we bless not only them, but also ourselves.
Forgiving Others and Forgiving Self
… if we [really] are living and walking in the Light, as He [Himself] is in the Light, we have [true, unbroken] fellowship with one another, and the blood of Jesus Christ His Son cleanses (removes) us from all sin and guilt [keeps us cleansed from sin in all its forms and manifestations]. …
If we [freely] admit that we have sinned and confess our sins, He is faithful and just (true to His own nature and promises) and will forgive our sins [dismiss our lawlessness] and [continuously] cleanse us from all unrighteousness [everything not in conformity to His will in purpose, thought, and action]. 1 John 1:7,9
While we are learning to forgive, we must remember we are to forgive not only o
thers but also ourselves. We must accept and receive the forgiveness we ask God to give us.
If we feel that we have done things to cause problems for others, we need to be forgiven just as much as we need to forgive those who have caused problems for us.
If we walk in unforgiveness toward ourselves, we cut ourselves off from fellowship with God just as surely as when we walk in unforgiveness toward others. We must be just as quick to forgive ourselves of our own sins and failures and weaknesses as we are to forgive those who have wronged us. Otherwise, we will end up in the realm of guilt and condemnation.
God wants us to be free so He can have full fellowship with us. But when we are filled with guilt and condemnation, our fellowship with the Father is ruined.
The Lord has promised: All whom My Father gives (entrusts) to Me will come to Me; and the one who comes to Me I will most certainly not cast out [I will never, no never, reject one of them who comes to Me] (John 6:37).
If you have done something wrong, go to the Lord. He has promised to forgive you of your sins, to remove them from you as far as the east is from the west, and to remember them no more.
Do you ever forget something important and cannot remember what it was, no matter how hard you try? That's the way God is about our sins. Once we have acknowledged and confessed them, He forgives us of them and forgets them so that He cannot recall them even if He tries.
According to the Bible, there is no condemnation to those who are in Christ Jesus; old things have passed away, and all things have been made new. (Rom. 8:1; 2 Cor. 5:17.)
So why not do yourself a favor and forgive yourself just as you forgive others?
Forgiving God
Another area in which many people have problems is unforgiveness toward God.
Those who have never experienced that feeling may not understand it. But those who have know what it is to feel animosity toward God because they blame Him for cheating them out of something important in their lives. Things have not worked out the way they had planned. They figure that God could have changed things if He had wanted to, but since He didn't they blame Him for the situation in which they find themselves. They feel God has disappointed them and let them down.
You may have felt that way at one time or another in your life. If so, you know it is impossible to have fellowship with someone you are mad at. In that case, the only answer is to forgive God!
Again, that may sound strange, and, of course, God does not need to be forgiven! But such honesty can break the bondage and restore the fellowship that has been broken by anger toward the Lord.
Often we think we could accept things better if only we knew why they have turned out the way they have. We think if we just knew why certain things have happened to us, we would be satisfied. But the Lord shared with me that we might be much less satisfied if we really knew.
I believe God tells us only what we really need to know, what we are prepared to handle, what will not harm us but will, in fact, help us.
Many times we go digging around trying to discover something that God is withholding from us for our own good. That's why we must learn to trust God and not try to figure out everything in life.
Sooner or later, we must come to the place where we stop feeling bitter, resentful, and sorry for ourselves. There must come a time when we stop living in the past and asking why. Instead, we must learn to let God turn our scars into stars.
Binding and Loosing by Forgiving
Verily I say unto you, Whatsoever ye shall bind on earth shall be bound in heaven: and whatsoever ye shall loose on earth shall be loosed in heaven. Matthew 18:18 KJV
We have not heard enough messages on forgiveness. We need to grow to the point of being quick to forgive, and hearing more on the subject will strengthen us to do so.
It is true that you and I have authority as believers, the authority to bind and to loose. We have been taught that truth from Matthew 18:18. However if you read the entire eighteenth chapter of Matthew, you will see that in it Jesus is actually talking about forgiveness!
In verse 21 Peter asked Jesus how many times he should forgive his brother who sins against him. In His answer Jesus told the story of the servant who was forgiven by his master of a huge unpayable debt. But then the man went out and demanded immediate payment from another servant who owed him a tiny sum, threatening to have him and his family thrown into jail if he could not pay. The end result was that the evil servant was called in before his master and condemned to debtors' prison because he had refused to forgive someone else just as he had been forgiven. (vv. 23-34.)
Then in the last verse Jesus concluded this entire chapter by saying, So also My heavenly Father will deal with every one of you if you do not freely forgive your brother from your heart his offenses (v. 35).
In verses 15 through 17, just before the verse on binding and loosing, Jesus taught if our brother wrongs us, then we are to go to him privately and try to settle the matter. If he won't listen, then we are to take two others with us. If he still won't listen, we are to bring the issue before the church. If he still won't listen, then we are to break fellowship with him.
But do you realize that all of that is for our brother's sake and not for our own?
All of it!
I do believe there is a time when we may have to break fellowship with someone, but it should be for his benefit and not for ours — to help him realize the severity of his wrong behavior and, hopefully, repent and manifest godly behavior. Many times when people have a problem, they won't do anything about it until something like a broken fellowship forces them to assess the situation and take action to set things right.
Forgiveness and Restoration
Does forgiveness mean restoration?
Many people have the mistaken idea that if someone has hurt them and they forgive that person, they will have to go back and suffer through the same hurt all over again. They believe that in order to forgive, they must enter back into an active relationship with the person who has injured them.
That is not true, and this misconception has caused a problem for many people who want to forgive.
Forgiveness does not necessarily mean restoration. If the relationship can be restored, and it is within God's will for it to be restored, then restoration is the best plan. But a broken relationship cannot always be restored. Sometimes it would not even be wise, especially in cases where abuse has been involved.
Cleansing the Wound
Someone in my early life abused me for a long period of time. I came to hate him. Finally, years later, God sovereignly delivered me from that hatred because I gave it to Him and asked Him to set me free from it.
Although I had forgiven the person and was free of my hatred of him, I still did not want to be around him.
Even though we make the decision to forgive someone, it may take a long time before our emotions are healed in that area.
God revealed to me that forgiving is like cleaning out the infection in a wound. The Word of God helps us renew our minds concerning how to properly dress an emotional wound. But how deep the scar goes depends a great deal on how well the wound is treated in its initial stages.
If a wound is properly cared for from the beginning, the scar left from it will not cause a problem. If it is left unattended and the infection is allowed to grow and spread, even though the wound is cleaned out and bandaged, a nasty scar may remain that can cause problems later on.
The same is true emotionally as well as physically. The best plan is quick and complete forgiveness; however, many people don't realize that when they initially get hurt. If a person has not been taught godly principles and guidelines, he reacts in a natural human way, as I did when I was abused. All I knew was hatred for my abuser, and the result was a hard heart, rebellion, and many other problems that have taken years to overcome.
It is more difficult to recover if the wound has been deep and left scars. But God promises to bring restoration in our lives, and I know from personal experience that He
does what He promises to do if we do what He tells us to do.
We can decide to forgive others and refuse to speak evil of them as God's Word instructs us. We can pray for them and ask God to bless them. We can even do all kinds of good deeds for them and show them mercy and grace. Yet we can still feel wounded by them. It takes time for our feelings to catch up with our decisions.
Even after a physical wound appears to be healed on the outside, it can still be sore and tender on the inside. It is the same with emotional wounds. For this reason we must be able to distinguish true forgiveness from feelings that are still sore and tender.
Forgiveness Versus Feelings
I believe the greatest deception in the area of forgiveness Satan has perpetuated in the Church is the idea that if a person's feelings have not changed, he has not forgiven.
Many people believe this deception. They decide to forgive someone who has harmed them, but the devil convinces them that because they still have the same feelings toward the person, they have not fully forgiven that individual.
They go back to square one and begin praying the same prayer all over again: “Oh, God, what's wrong with me? I want to forgive, but I just can't! Help me, Lord. Please help me!”
In my own case, although I forgave the person who had abused me and eventually tried to have fellowship with him, he made it clear he did not think he had ever done anything wrong. In fact, he even went so far as to blame me for what happened. I was finally forced to do as Jesus taught in Matthew 18 and cut off fellowship with him until he came to repentance.
It would have been unwise to try to reconcile the relationship if there was no repentance on his part. Until people repent, they usually do the same things again and again. I knew that I had to protect myself and that it was not God's will for me to open the door for more abuse.