All ready for sea, and no cook," said the mate of the schooner Gannet,gloomily. "What's become of all the cooks I can't think."
"They most on 'em ship as mates now," said the skipper, grinning. "Butyou needn't worry about that; I've got one coming aboard to-night. I'mtrying a new experiment, George."
"I once knew a chemist who tried one," said George, "an' it blew him outof the winder; but I never heard o' shipmasters trying 'em."
"There's all kinds of experiments," rejoined the other, "What do you sayto a lady cook, George?"
"A WHAT?" asked the mate in tones of strong amazement. "What, aboard aschooner?"
"Why not?" inquired the skipper warmly; "why not? There's plenty of 'emashore--why not aboard ship?"
"'Tain't proper, for one thing," said the mate virtuously.
"I shouldn't have expected you to have thought o' that," said the otherunkindly. "Besides, they have stewardesses on big ships, an' what's thedifference? She's a sort o' relation o' mine, too--cousin o' my wife's,a widder woman, and a good sensible age, an' as the doctor told her totake a sea voyage for the benefit of her 'elth, she's coming with me forsix months as cook. She'll take her meals with us; but, o' course, themen are not to know of the relationship."
"What about sleeping accommodation?" inquired the mate, with the air ofa man putting a poser.
"I've thought o' that," replied the other; "it's all arranged."
The mate, with an uncompromising air, waited for information.
"She--she's to have your berth, George," continued the skipper, withoutlooking at him. "You can have that nice, large, airy locker."
"One what the biscuit and onions kep' in?" inquired George.
The skipper nodded.
"I think, if it's all the same to you," said the mate, with labouredpoliteness, "I'll wait till the butter keg's empty, and crowd intothat."
"It's no use your making yourself unpleasant about it," said theskipper, "not a bit. The arrangements are made now, and here she comes."
Following his gaze, the mate looked up as a stout, comely-looking womanof middle age came along the jetty, followed by the watchman staggeringunder a box of enormous proportions.
"Jim!" cried the lady.
"Halloa!" cried the skipper, starting uneasily at the title. "We've beenexpecting you for some time."
"There's a row on with the cabman," said the lady calmly. "This sillyold man"--the watchman snorted fiercely--"let the box go through thewindow getting it off the top, and the cabman wants ME to pay. He's outthere using language, and he keeps calling me grandma--I want you tohave him locked up."
"Come down below now," said the skipper; "we'll see about the cab. Mrs.Blossom--my mate. George, go and send that cab away."
Mrs. Blossom, briefly acknowledging the introduction, followed theskipper to the cabin, while the mate, growling under his breath, wentout to enter into a verbal contest in which he was from the firsthopelessly overmatched.
The new cook, being somewhat fatigued with her journey, withdrew at anearly hour, and the sun was well up when she appeared on deck nextmorning. The wharves and warehouses of the night before had disappeared,and the schooner, under a fine spread of canvas, was just passingTilbury.
"There's one thing I must put a stop to," said the skipper, as he andthe mate, after an admirably-cooked breakfast, stood together talking."The men seem to be hanging round that galley too much."
"What can you expect?" demanded the mate. "They've all got their Sundayclothes on too, pretty dears."
"Hi, you Bill!" cried the skipper. "What are you doing there?"
"Lending cook a hand with the saucepans, sir," said Bill, anoakum-bearded man of sixty.
"There ain't no call for 'im to come 'ere at all, sir," shouted anotherseaman, putting his head out of the galley. "Me an' cook's lifting 'embeautiful."
"Come out, both of you, or I'll start you with a rope!" roared theirritated commander.
"What's the matter?" inquired Mrs. Blossom. "They're not doing anyharm."
"I can't have 'em there," said the skipper gruffly. "They've got otherthings to do."
"I must have some assistance with that boiler and the saucepans," saidMrs. Blossom decidedly, "so don't you interfere with what don't concernyou, Jimmy."
"That's mutiny," whispered the horrified mate. "Sheer, rank mutiny."
"She don't know no better," whispered the other back. "Cook, you mustn'ttalk like that to the cap'n--what me and the mate tell you you must do.You don't understand yet, but it'll come easier by-and-bye."
"WILL it," demanded Mrs. Blossom loudly; "WILL it? I don't think itwill. How dare you talk to me like that, Jim Harris? You ought to beashamed of yourself!"
"My name's Cap'n Harris," said the skipper stiffly.
"Well, CAPTAIN Harris," said Mrs. Blossom scornfully; "and what'llhappen if I don't do as you and that other shamefaced-looking man tellme?"
"We hope it won't come to that," said Harris, with quiet dignity, as hepaused at the companion. "But the mate's in charge just now, and I warnyou he's a very severe man. Don't stand no nonsense, George."
With these brave words the skipper disappeared below, and the mate,after one glance at the dauntless and imposing attitude of Mrs. Blossom,walked to the side and became engrossed in a passing steamer. A hum ofwondering admiration arose from the crew, and the cook, thoroughlysatisfied with her victory, returned to the scene of her labours.
For the next twenty-four hours Mrs. Blossom reigned supreme, andperformed the cooking for the vessel, assisted by five ministeringseamen. The weather was fine, and the wind light, and the two officerswere at their wits' end to find jobs for the men.
"Why don't you put your foot down," grumbled the mate, as a burst ofhappy laughter came from the direction of the galley. "The idea of menlaughing like that aboard ship; they're carrying on just as though wewasn't here."
"Will you stand by me?" demanded the skipper, pale but determined.
"Of course I will," said the other indignantly.
"Now, my lads," said Harris, stepping forward, "I can't have you chapshanging round the galley all day; you're getting in cook's way andhindering her. Just get your knives out; I'll have the masts scraped."
"You just stay where you are," said Mrs. Blossom. "When they're in myway, I'll soon let 'em know."
"Did you hear what I said?" thundered the skipper, as the men hesitated.
"Aye, aye, sir," muttered the crew, moving off.
"How dare you interfere with me?" said Mrs. Blossom hotly, as sherealised the defeat. "Ever since I've been on this ship you've beentrying to aggravate me. I wonder the men don't hit you, you nasty,ginger-whiskered little man."
"Go on with your work," said the skipper, fondly stroking the malignedwhiskers.
"Don't you talk to me, Jim Harris," said Mrs. Blossom, quivering withwrath. "Don't you give ME none of your airs. WHO BORROWED FIVE POUNDSFROM MY POOR DEAD HUSBAND JUST BEFORE HE DIED, AND NEVER PAID IT BACK?"
"Go on with your work," repeated the skipper, with pale lips.
"WHOSE UNCLE BENJAMIN HAD THREE WEEKS?" demanded Mrs. Blossom darkly."WHOSE UNCLE JOSEPH HAD TO GO ABROAD WITHOUT STOPPING TO PACK UP?"
The skipper made no reply, but the anxiety of the crew to have thesevital problems solved was so manifest that he turned his back on thevirago and went towards the mate, who at that moment dipped hurriedly toescape a wet dish-clout. The two men regarded each other, pale withanxiety.
"Now, you just move off," said Mrs. Blossom, shaking another clout atthem. "I won't have you hanging about my galley. Keep to your own end ofthe ship."
The skipper drew himself up haughtily, but the effect was somewhatmarred by one eye, which dwelt persistently on the clout, and after ashort inward struggle he moved off, accompanied by the mate. Wellingtonhimself would have been nonplussed by a wet cloth in the hands of afearless woman.
"She'll just have to have her own way till we get to Llanelly," said theindignant skipper, "and then I'll send her home by train
and shipanother cook. I knew she'd got a temper, but I didn't know it was likethis. She's the last woman that sets foot on my ship--that's all she'sdone for her sex."
In happy ignorance of her impending doom Mrs. Blossom went blithelyabout her duties, assisted by a crew whose admiration for her increasedby leaps and bounds; and the only thing which ventured to interfere withher was a stiff Atlantic roll, which they encountered upon rounding theLand's End.
The first intimation Mrs. Blossom had of it was the falling of smallutensils in the galley. After she had picked them up and replaced themseveral times, she went out to investigate, and discovered that theschooner was dipping her bows to big green waves, and rolling, with muchstraining and creaking, from side to side. A fine spray, which brokeover the bows and flew over the vessel, drove her back into the galley,which had suddenly developed an unaccountable stuffiness; but, thoughthe crew to a man advised her to lie down and have a cup of tea, sherepelled them with scorn, and with pale face and compressed lips stuckto her post.
Two days later they made fast to the quay at Llanelly, and half-an-hourlater the skipper called the mate down to the cabin, and, handing himsome money, told him to pay the cook off and ship another. The matedeclined.
"You obey orders," said the skipper fiercely, "else you an' me'llquarrel."
"I've got a wife an' family," urged the mate.
"Pooh!" said the skipper. "Rubbish!"
"And uncles," added the mate rebelliously.
"Very good," said the skipper, glaring. "We'll ship the other cook firstand let him settle it. After all, I don't see why we should fight hisbattles for him."
The mate, being agreeable, went off at once; and when Mrs. Blossom,after a little shopping ashore, returned to the Gannet she found thegalley in the possession of one of the fattest cooks that ever brokeship's biscuit.
"Hullo!" said she, realising the situation at a glance, "what are youdoing here?"
"Cooking," said the other gruffly. Then, catching sight of hisquestioner, he smiled amorously and winked at her.
"Don't you wink at me," said Mrs. Blossom wrathfully. "Come out of thatgalley."
"There's room for both," said the new cook persuasively. "Come in an'put your 'ed on my shoulder."
Utterly unprepared for this mode of attack, Mrs. Blossom lost her nerve,and, instead of storming the galley, as she had fully intended, drewback and retired to the cabin, where she found a short note from theskipper, enclosing her pay, and requesting her to take the train home.After reading this she went ashore again, returning presently with a bigbundle, which she placed on the cabin table in front of Harris and themate, who had just begun tea.
"I'm not going home by train," said she, opening the bundle, whichcontained a spirit kettle and provisions. "I'm going back with you; butI am not going to be beholden to you for anything--I 'm going to boardmyself."
After this declaration she made herself tea and sat down. The mealproceeded in silence, though occasionally she astonished her companionsby little mysterious laughs, which caused them slight uneasiness. As shemade no hostile demonstration, however, they became reassured, andcongratulated themselves upon the success of their manoeuvre.
"How long shall we be getting back to London, do you think?" inquiredMrs. Blossom at last.
"We shall probably sail Tuesday night, and it may be anything from sixdays upwards," answered the skipper. "If this wind holds it'll probablybe upwards."
To his great concern Mrs. Blossom put her handkerchief over her face,and, shaking with suppressed laughter, rose from the table and left thecabin.
The couple left eyed each other wonderingly.
"Did I say anything pertickler funny, George?" inquired the skipper,after some deliberation.
"Didn't strike me so," said the mate carelessly; "I expect she's thoughto' something else to say about your family. She wouldn't be sogood-tempered as all that for nothing. I feel cur'ous to know what itis."
"If you paid more attention to your own business," said the skipper, hischoler rising, "you'd get on better. A mate who was a good seamanwouldn't ha' let a cook go on like this--it's not discipline."
He went off in dudgeon, and a coolness sprang up between them, whichlasted until the bustle of starting in the small hours of Wednesdaymorning.
Once under way the day passed uneventfully, the schooner crawlingsluggishly down the coast of Wales, and, when the skipper turned in thatnight, it was with the pleasant conviction that Mrs. Blossom had shother last bolt, and, like a sensible woman, was going to accept herdefeat. From this pleasing idea he was aroused suddenly by the watchstamping heavily on the deck overhead.
"What's up?" cried the skipper, darting up the companion-ladder, jostledby the mate.
"I dunno," said Bill, who was at the wheel, shakily. "Mrs. Blossom comeup on deck a little while ago, and since then there's been three or fourheavy splashes."
"She can't have gone overboard," said the skipper, in tones to which hemanfully strove to impart a semblance of anxiety. "No, here she is.Anything wrong, Mrs. Blossom?"
"Not so far as I'm concerned," replied the lady, passing him and goingbelow.
"You've been dreaming, Bill," said the skipper sharply.
"I ain't," said Bill stoutly. "I tell you I heard splashes. It's mybelief she coaxed the cook up on deck, and then shoved him overboard. Awoman could do anything with a man like that cook."
"I'll soon see," said the mate, and walking forward he put his head downthe fore-scuttle and yelled for the cook.
"Aye, aye, sir," answered a voice sleepily, while the other men startedup in their bunks. "Do you want me?"
"Bill thinks somebody has gone overboard," said the mate. "Are you allhere?"
In answer to this the mystified men turned out all standing, and came ondeck yawning and rubbing their eyes, while the mate explained thesituation. Before he had finished the cook suddenly darted off to thegalley, and the next moment the forlorn cry of a bereaved soul broke ontheir startled ears.
"What is it?" cried the mate.
"Come here!" shouted the cook, "look at this!"
He struck a match and held it aloft in his shaking fingers, and the men,who were worked up to a great pitch of excitement and expected to seesomething ghastly, after staring hard for some time in vain, profanelyrequested him to be more explicit.
"She's thrown all the saucepans and things overboard," said the cookwith desperate calmness. "This lid of a tea kettle is all that's leftfor me to do the cooking in."
The Gannet, manned by seven famine-stricken misogynists, reached Londonsix days later, the skipper obstinately refusing to put in at anintermediate port to replenish his stock of hardware. The most he wouldconsent to do was to try and borrow from a passing vessel, but theunseemly behaviour of the master of a brig, who lost two hours owing totheir efforts to obtain a saucepan of him, utterly discouraged anyfurther attempts in that direction, and they settled down to a diet ofbiscuits and water, and salt beef scorched on the stove.
Mrs. Blossom, unwilling perhaps to witness their sufferings, remainedbelow, and when they reached London, only consented to land under thesupervision of a guard of honour, composed of all the able-bodied men onthe wharf.
A BENEFIT PERFORMANCE