“May I see your ticket?”
“I don’t have my ticket, our political head has all of our tickets,” I replied.
By this time the lights were fading. The usher grabbed my arm. “Follow me, I’ll help you find your group after the performance,” and he pulled me into the theater and found an empty seat in the back row. I was nervous being separated from my friends, but soon tiredness overcame me again and I slept through the rest of the performance. Then, just as the lights came on, the usher pulled me out of the theater and we waited for the familiar faces of my friends. They eventually emerged two doors away. I was so happy and relieved when Zhu Yaoping rushed up and said something to me in Shanghai dialect. I didn’t even care that I couldn’t understand a word of it.
On the bus trip back to our university, I began to feel terribly sick. It was as though the whole world was spinning. I wanted to vomit. I told the teacher, who asked the driver to stop the bus, and I hopped off just in time. They put me in the front seat after that, just behind the driver. One of the teachers assured me that I only had motion sickness and I would feel better sitting there. But I’d never been sick when I went on the bus with my niang to visit our grandparents. I felt traumatized, embarrassed, trapped in my own emotionally torrid world.
It was midnight by the time we went to bed that night, way past my bedtime in Qingdao. I thought of my niang, my dia and my brothers, all sleeping together in their own beds, and I felt my homesickness begin to return. After the lights were turned off, I clutched onto my niang’s precious quilt once again, covered my head with it, and sobbed myself to sleep.
9
THE CAGED BIRD
Every morning was the same. It seemed that I had only just closed my eyes when I heard the ear-piercing scream of the five-thirty bell. I would drag myself to the washing room and pour freezing-cold water on my face to drive away my sleepiness. The jogging, the early-morning exercises and breakfast all happened while I was still half asleep. Only my cold cramped feet, the awkward ballet positions and the French names in Chen Lueng’s class would wake me up.
Later that week we had our first Chinese folk dance lesson, with Teacher Chen Yuen. He was younger than the other teachers we’d had so far and wore a pair of spectacles. He seemed friendly, with a funny sense of humor, and he even told us jokes.
In Chen Yuen’s class we got to dance much more freely. I particularly loved a Mongolian horse riders’ dance we began to learn. But the best part of this class was the four musicians who sat at the front of the studio and played their traditional Chinese instruments. I thought they were beautiful. One played a “piba,” which looked like a guitar but sounded hollow and sad. There was also an ancient-looking horn and an “erhu”—a two-string instrument which produced the most heart-wrenching sounds, and the “yanqin,” a string instrument so beautiful and powerful that I thought there were twenty different instruments playing at once! I loved it. I loved the passion of their music. I had never heard anything like it. Their music made me want to dance: I could hear the clip-clop sound of the approaching horses; I could hear those Mongolian riders roaming the deserts, and I longed to be free like them.
That same day we had our first politics class too, and I was surprised to find that the campaign to denounce Lin Biao was still in full swing. The Gang of Four’s theory was that shit attracts flies, and that Confucius was the shit and Lin Biao was the fly. So a “criticize Confucius” campaign was organized. We were to discuss why Lin Biao was attracted to Confucius and how dangerous this had been to Mao’s political cause. Our teacher started our first lesson by telling us all about Confucius. He had already written down one of Confucius’ sayings on the blackboard by the time we’d all sat down at our little wooden desks:When the perfect order prevails, the world is like a home shared by all. Courageous, worthy and capable men are elected to public office and hold posts of gainful employment in society; peace and trust among all men are the maxims of living. All men love and respect their parents and children, as well as the parents and children of others. There is caring for the old and there are jobs for everyone. There is also nourishment and education for the children and a means of support for the widows or widowers, disabled and all that find themselves alone in the world. Everyone has an appropriate role to play in the family and society. A sense of sharing displaces the effects of selfishness and materialism, and a devotion to public duty leaves no room for idleness. Dishonesty and conniving for ill gain are unknown. Villains such as thieves and robbers do not exist. The door to everyone’s home never needs to be locked or bolted, day or night. These are the characteristics of this ideal world, the world everyone shares equally.
“Now,” our teacher began, “can any of you tell me the hidden evilness in this Confucius saying?”
No one spoke. I was puzzled by the teacher’s question. I didn’t understand all the words on the board, but there seemed nothing wrong with it to me. Confucius’ society sounded beautiful, just like the ideal communist society.
Our teacher continued. “There are several key words that you must be able to detect. For example, ‘the perfect order.’ Whose definition of the perfect order? The rulers’? The emperors’? This is a trap! Confucius wants the poor ordinary people to behave and follow the rules, which were set for them by the rulers, for the benefit of the rulers. Do you see this point?” the political leader asked.
We all nodded obediently.
“My second point: have you realized that Confucius only mentions men. Where are the women? In his mind women are not even worth mentioning! But Chairman Mao says, ‘Women are half of the sky!’ And finally Confucius talks of villains, thieves and robbers. Whom did he mean? Could he possibly mean the rulers and the emperors?”
We all shook our heads.
“No! He means the poor peasants and workers who cannot get enough to eat or clothes to wear. They have no choice but to steal. Now do you see these hidden, poisoned agendas?”
We nodded again wholeheartedly. I was amazed. I knew our teacher was right. Why hadn’t I seen these hidden, poisoned agendas?
“Now can you see why this little fly, Lin Biao, was attracted to the Confucius pile of shit?”
“Yes!” we all shouted, and our politics teacher smiled triumphantly.
During that class, I heard some baby birds screeching loudly on the rooftop outside, so after the class was over I told Zhu Yaoping, who was fast becoming my best friend at the academy, and we climbed out a small window onto the steep rooftop four stories high. There we found ten hungry little birds in a nest under a roof tile. They opened their mouths wide and screamed at us for food. Zhu Yaoping wasn’t overly interested in them—he just wanted to get out onto the rooftop. But my heart poured out to the little birds and I gently put all of them in my pockets. I’d feed them some of my lunch and play with them for a while before I put them back.
Our next class was math, the last class before lunch, so I put the birds in my desk. But in the middle of our lesson the birds started to screech—loudly. Very loudly. The teacher was furious when she saw the birds, and told me to get out of her class and report to the political head’s office right away. I was terrified. I thought they would expel me for sure.
Director Wang looked at me with a stern expression when I arrived at his office. “Cunxin, what do you think you were doing? Do you want to kill yourself, to embarrass Madame Mao? This behavior of yours will not be tolerated here. This is not your commune! You will study the relevant sections of Chairman Mao’s Red Book and write a thorough self-criticism to read to your class.”
“I have never written a self-criticism,” I replied. “I don’t know how.”
He looked at me with a tinge of sympathy then. “You must write why you are wrong for climbing on the roof and promise you will never do it again. Make sure you use some of Chairman Mao’s sayings as the basis for your reasoning. Say that you regret your actions and that this will never happen again.”
I wasn’t allowed to go back to my class,
so Director Wang let me use his desk while he went to a meeting.
After many tries and some agonizing soul-searching, I finally completed my first ever self-criticism:My dear and respected teacher and classmates,
I’m very sorry I climbed on the roof, and even more sorry for taking the poor baby birds out of their comfortable home. The reasons for my action were: One. I heard their screams and saw their widely opened hungry mouths, I felt sorry for them and afraid that their parents wouldn’t come back and these baby birds might die. Two. I love birds and always have.
But, after speaking to Director Wang, I realize that this is wrong and I should never do it again! Why? Because of the following reasons: One. I may slip and die and this would cause embarrassment for Madame Mao, because I’m her student. Two. Our great leader Chairman Mao said in his Red Book: “Study hard and improve upward every day.” By thinking about and playing with the birds, I won’t be able to concentrate on my studies like Chairman Mao wanted me to. Three. If I died because of trying to save the birds, I won’t be able to serve in Chairman Mao’s revolution anymore. Four. Also my parents won’t be able to ever see me again and my niang will die of sadness.
Because of these four important reasons, I promise that I’ll never do it again. If you ever catch me doing it again, I’m willing to let the thunder kill me!
Chairman Mao’s Faithful Student
Li Cunxin
I was pleased I’d thought of that last line: “Let the thunder kill me” was a swear word from our commune. But in truth I didn’t really believe that playing with the birds would have caused any harm to Chairman Mao’s revolution at all. In truth I felt humiliated. I’d never had to do this in my old school.
My self-criticism passed the test easily, and my teacher and classmates burst into laughter when I read that last line. I also had to stand outside our classroom for a whole hour afterwards. “Cunxin, have you fed the poor birds yet?” the boys teased as they walked past, and my face burned with humiliation.
I hadn’t meant what I’d written. I hadn’t learned anything about serving Chairman Mao. All it made me realize was just how much freedom I was being denied. I would never be able to play with my beloved birds again. Now I was a bird trapped in a cage where even my feet had to conform to the rules.
There were so many different classes to get used to in that first week. Despite the bird incident, I liked the math class to begin with and I was quick to understand the new equations, but progress was slow and I lost interest quickly. I didn’t understand the importance of math to a ballet dancer, and to cope with my boredom I began to daydream. I could hear the Beijing Opera students’ voices coming from their studios and my heart wanted to leap out and join them instead. I thought about the Beijing Opera films I’d seen back in our commune, and I dreamed constantly about being a singer. I was often in trouble for not paying enough attention, especially in the ballet classes. My despair and lack of attention dominated my work. My teachers thought I was hopeless.
We also had our first acrobatics classes and Chinese classes in that first week. Acrobatics training was very strenuous. We had to do handstands against the wall, and exercises like bending backwards and lowering our hands to the floor, the ultimate aim being to grasp our ankles. Sometimes the teachers would order us to stay in this position until they allowed us to slowly bend back up to standing position. But the pain made our backs numb and we didn’t know which muscles to use to help us get up again. The teachers also made us do a lot of quick back bends to the floor, ten or twenty at a time, nonstop. It’s surprising that we were not permanently injured. But our teachers continued, relentlessly. “What you’re doing now is merely the foundation work,” they would say. “Eventually we’ll teach you back flips, front and back somersaults, when your back muscles are stronger.”
Chinese class was run by Teacher Shu Wing. He was calm most of the time, but occasionally he would burst into a rage because of our laziness or tardiness. He had elegant handwriting, and I often lost myself just watching him write on the blackboard. Words leaped out of his white chalk in beautiful dancing movements. He also taught us poetry, his favorite subject. He would teach us some of Mao’s simple poetry, but his real passion was for classical poetry. He would discuss each word in tremendous depth. Sometimes a single word represented a whole fable or event. His talent and knowledge were immense, and his class was one of my favorites. In his class we were told we had to learn Mandarin quickly, or we would be sent home.
Gradually, over the first few days, I began to make friends at the academy. Zhu Yaoping, Jiao Lishang and I were often in the same group of activities. We were the three smallest boys, and although we couldn’t communicate well because of our different dialects, we managed in the end. Zhu Yaoping was the liveliest and naughtiest. I liked him. He made me laugh. At nights he slept on the bed next to mine, and he would often get up to tricks. In our first week there, one of the other boys ground his teeth so loudly in his sleep that it kept us awake and drove us all mad. Finally we were so fed up that we tied strings to his wrists and ankles and when we heard him grinding his teeth we’d pull the strings all at the same time. The poor boy. And another night, after we’d had beans for dinner, one of the boys from the older class started to fart. He said he could fart on demand, yes, truly, as many times as he was asked! We were rolling on the floor from laughter. Even one of the normally stern-faced political heads couldn’t help laughing.
The first week at the academy slowly came to an end and for our first Sunday a trip to the famous Ming Tombs had been organized. The trip north to Shisan Ling took over two hours by bus and again I suffered from dreadful motion sickness. They had to stop the bus twice. I felt guilty and embarrassed creating such inconvenience.
I still enjoyed the Ming Tombs though. I had never seen so many pieces of jewelery! Colorful rare gemstones, gold and silver, the emperor’s and empress’s drinking goblets, swords, costumes and crowns. How rich Chinese history was! I was enormously impressed and extremely proud of China’s glorious past. China truly was the happiest and richest nation on the planet.
But even then I began to wonder. If China was such a rich country, why didn’t my family have enough food to eat or enough money to buy clothes? I couldn’t imagine what it would be like living in a poorer country like America. But of course I didn’t blame Chairman Mao. It was Chinese imperial corruption, foreign invasion or Chiang Kaishek’s Guomindang regime that were to blame. I was thankful to Chairman Mao, eternally thankful, that he had saved us. Only he would lead us to greater prosperity and happiness.
A week later another trip was organized, this time to the Summer Palace in northwest Beijing, but just the thought of the bus trip there and back was enough to make me feel sick, so I told one of the political heads that I didn’t feel well and he gave me permission to stay behind.
I went exploring around the university grounds as soon as the buses had left. There was a small orchard on the southeast corner near the gate—mainly apple and peach trees. They were bare at this time of year, but I could just see some new shoots popping out of the branches: spring wasn’t far away. Right next to the orchard was our four-story studio building, and along the east side were the dormitories. To the northeast, I could see the low, flat-roofed single-story buildings that were used by the two music academies. They looked just like tiny matchboxes.
To the north, however, there was an empty stretch of land. I was immediately drawn to it and as a curious peasant boy I soon found myself digging my fingers down into the still half-frozen soil to see if there was anything planted, but the soil seemed completely barren. The land was surrounded by a chest-high barbed-wire fence and I could see a row of young weeping willow trees just this side of it. On the other side was an irrigation channel.
I ran over to the willows and began to climb one. These trees triggered such sadness in me. I saw the long drippy leaves and thought of my own sad tears. I wondered if the trees suffered hardship and sadness too. I climbed up and
sat quietly inside the long leaves. I thought of all the events that had taken place since I had left my family only two weeks ago.
I leaned my head against the trunk and whispered my homesickness and loneliness into the trees. My tears flooded out. They fell down my face just like the leaves of the weeping willows. I sobbed freely. Nobody was there to see.
I felt better after my secret confession to the trees, and I knew I would hide in them many times during my first year. I had found my refuge, and I would treasure my time there. It became my own secret hiding place.
After a while I climbed down from the willows and wandered to the northwest part of the university grounds. There was a large pigsty there and a vegetable patch beside it. There was also a swimming pool, but it was empty at that time of year. I thought of the time I nearly drowned in the dam back home, and the hairs on my neck stood on end. I prayed that the teachers wouldn’t make us use this pool in summertime.
I wandered back to the canteen just in time for lunch. I didn’t expect to see anyone there, but to my surprise I noticed a boy sitting by himself at one of the music academy’s tables. He was a bit younger than I and looked lonely and sad, so I collected my food and walked over to him. “Do you mind if I sit with you?” I asked.
He shyly shook his head.
I sat down opposite him. “My name is Li Cunxin. I’m from Qingdao. I’m a student in the dance academy. What’s your name?”
“My name is Zhang Xiaojia,” he replied timidly.
“Where are you from?”