I want to throttle her, but more than anything, I want to kiss her.
So I do.
Chapter 10
Gracen
Heat.
Flooding through my entire body as Marek's mouth slams down on mine.
This man I've kissed a thousand times...you'd think it would feel like a homecoming of sorts.
But this is different. Nothing like I've ever felt from Marek before.
Lust and desire pour through me, mixed with a river of fear because I can still feel the fury rolling off of Marek in waves as he kisses me.
Hate may be too strong a word for the way he feels, but there is no tenderness or fond memories driving this brutal kiss.
No, he's bruising my lips because he's so fucking angry at me.
I know this man well, and I know he's angry at himself too. For doing this. For giving in to the same desire I'm feeling as well. No way to separate the bad feelings from the good, so they mix together, and I accept them.
My hands go tentatively to his shoulders and I tilt my head ever so slightly so he can deepen the kiss. He groans in response, accepting my capitulation. It's an animal sound of domination, and he punctuates it by gripping my hips possessively and walking me backward until my back comes up against the wall of the living room.
I don't think for one minute of stopping this. Marek may be kissing me as a way to release his anger, but I'm not kissing him for the same reasons.
I kiss him back because I never stopped loving him. Even when he broke my heart and left me in ruins, so utterly alone and abandoned, I never once turned my heart away from what we had. There was no way I could, especially after Lilly was born and I realized everything that was good and beautiful about her was half of Marek's doing. Despite Marek choosing another life over me, I never let my heart harden, because other than his wretchedly selfish choice, he's been the best thing to ever happen to me. He's been the love I knew I'd get a chance at only once in this lifetime.
Sure, I'd come to accept that the love was fleeting and perhaps only meant to be so I could have Lilly. But it was real, and so purely mine that I couldn't give it up, even as I watched him walk away from me.
"Christ, this is insane," Marek manages to curse against my mouth, but then his tongue is pushing back up against mine. He presses his hips into me and I feel the hard length of him against my belly.
An ache forms low, slides between my legs, and my hands slap his ass to try to press him closer to me. He approves by bending his knees slightly, then grinding his cock right against my mound.
I see stars behind my eyelids and feel utterly foolish for the long moan of need that escapes from me. This man who abandoned me should mean nothing to me, yet it's like all the hurt he's caused is forgotten.
Forgotten because his kiss is like magic, and I remember very well all the delicious things he did to me when we were together. I want it too badly to push him away, and it shames me.
"God, you taste good," Marek mutters against my lips, then drops his forehead to mine. My heart swells over his admission, but then he pulls back slightly and his eyes pierce right through me. "But I can also still taste the deceit on your tongue."
"Marek...don't," I start to beseech him, moving my hands up to his face. My attempt to touch him results in him flinching and taking a step back.
"I'm sorry, Gracen," he says, his voice so low and rough with confusion. "I want to forgive you. And I'm trying. But I'm so fucking angry all the time and I--"
Something inside of me cracks. Yes, I still love this man, and because he's Lilly's father, I always will. But I'm done.
"I'm only going to say this once more, Marek," I tell him in a soft voice that I hope he can hear is still tinged with compassion for what he must be feeling. "I'm sorry. I made a mistake in not telling you about Lilly."
Marek's lips flatten to a grim line and his eyes go frosty. A tiny muscle twitches in his jaw.
"With my entire heart, I'm sorry. Even though you left me behind, I should have told you. It was cruel and selfish, and I can't ever make those years you lost right. So I'm sorry."
His expression remains hard, but at least he's still listening to me.
"But I'm done," I continue as I straighten fully. "I'm done apologizing to you. You won't hear it again from me, so don't expect it. Figure a way to move past this so we can be good parents for Lilly. That's what's most important."
He stares at me a moment before giving me a curt nod. I give him one in return before I step toward the staircase, but not before I tell him one last thing.
"I had a job interview this morning at the hospital," I tell him softly. "My references checked out and they called to offer me the job this afternoon. I know it's because Josie put in a personal word for me but...well, I'm starting in two days."
"Congratulations," he says flatly.
"I'm going to look for a place for Lilly and me." It was something I had considered, but didn't decide for sure until he pulled away from that amazing kiss to tell me how much I disgusted him.
This is for the best.
I know Josie's idea for me to stay here rent free was a good one and would be the most beneficial way for me to get my parents out of trouble with the bank, but I can't do this. I can't have Marek dangling himself in front of me like a carrot. Not when my heart is still so tied up with him. It took me a long time to move past the pain of him leaving me, and I don't want to get hurt again. It might not be the most economic decision, but I do have a little money in savings. Enough to put down first and last month's rent on a place for sure.
By taking the job that was offered, I drew my line in the sand with Owen, because that was my way of confirming to myself I wasn't going back. I'd have to figure out some way to help my parents, but that was fine.
And by moving out of this house, I'm also drawing my line in the sand with Marek.
"You don't have to do that," he says, a vague softening of his expression perhaps to entice me.
I shake my head. "Yeah. I do. But you can see Lilly whenever you want. You have a lot of time to make up for."
Turning for the staircase, I brace myself for anything else he might have to say. His words too often have too much power over me.
But he remains silent as I trot lightly up the stairs and shut myself in my bedroom after checking on Lilly.
My heartbeat has returned to normal. It had been going as fast as hummingbird wings when Marek kissed me, but now it feels steady and calm.
This is good for what I need to do.
I crawl onto the bed and settle myself against the pillows, my feet planted on the mattress. I hold my phone up and flip through my contacts. Taking a deep breath, I press Owen's name and wait for him to answer.
I'd much rather do this via text so I don't have to hear his wrath, but then that would just become long and drawn out. I'd made up my mind, and I'm immensely relieved I finally have the backbone to walk away from what was surely the dumbest thing I've ever done in my life, which was accepting his proposal. Maybe it's the five hundred miles between us that's given me the fortitude, but for the first time I'm going to take on my parents' problems and help them in a different way. I just hope I can find something reasonably affordable to live in and that the bank would work with me to make payments.
The phone rings four times, each ring making my palms sweat worse as I get closer to having to battle it out with Owen.
On the fourth ring, I heave a sigh of relief when his voicemail comes on, and that tells me I wasn't quite as brave as I'd made myself out to be.
His message is brief and arrogant. "Owen Waller. Leave a message and I'll try to get back to you soon."
The beep startles me, and there's a few seconds of silence where I can't get the words out. A tiny breath to get my lungs working and I lay it out. "It's me. I'd hoped to talk to you, but I'm sorry. I can't marry you, Owen, and I hate to leave this voicemail like this, but I've decided to stay here. I'm sorry for hurting you."
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I hang up quickly and without any formal goodbye. My last words almost didn't come out.
I'm sorry for hurting you.
He wouldn't be hurt. He'd be pissed, and I had barely four weeks until the note came due on my parents' house to figure out a plan.
Without any thought, I dial my mother, needing to hear her voice. I'd just talked to her earlier this afternoon to tell her I'd gotten the job offer but I wasn't sure what to do. While my parents missed Lilly and me like crazy, she was completely clear on her feelings.
"Take the job," she'd said urgently into the phone. "Make a new and good life for you and Lilly there."
"But you and Dad," I croaked into the phone, my throat closing off with emotion and worry.
"We'll come visit soon, I promise."
Not a word about the note, and that was because we never talked about it. My parents didn't know that I even knew about the extent of their financial troubles. I learned every bit of it from Owen, and being the parents that they are, who love and want to protect me, they never laid their troubles on my doorstep.
It's why I'm totally going behind their backs to the bank to work out a payment plan with them. I'll tell them about it later.
My mom answers in a whispery voice, which tells me that my dad must be sleeping. "Hey, honey, what's up?"
I cut right to the heart of the matter. "I just left Owen a voicemail that I couldn't marry him. I'm going to take that job offer."
Her voice never raises, but it's loud with gratitude. She wants me free of Owen more than anything. While she never understood why I agreed to marry him, because I'd never tell her that he made me complicit in digging them out of their financial woes, she also knew that I was not marrying him out of love. "I'm glad, Gracen. That's totally the right decision for you and Lilly right now."
"When can you come visit?" I ask, sounding desperately lonely. Which I am.
"Soon," she promises. "Your dad has a job interview next week, so we'll look it after we get through that.
"I've got some money," I say, knowing that it will eat deeply into my savings. "I'll get you plane tickets. Lilly misses you so much."
My mom chuckles softly. "You will do no such thing. Your dad and I are perfectly capable of buying plane tickets. Or maybe we'll take our time and drive down."
I didn't realize how tightly constricted my chest was until she said those words, but knowing that my parents would be coming soon to visit was just the balm I needed to end this crazy, emotional night.
"So have you thought about what to do with Lilly when you start work?" my mom asks, and I can imagine her settling down deeper into her pillows and covers while we gab.
I had indeed thought about it, and settle myself in too.
We talk for over an hour, and when I hang up, I'm feeling good about where my life is right now.
Chapter 11
Marek
"What other questions might you have for me, Mr. Fabritis?"
I look down at Lilly as she sits in the chair beside me, happily engrossed in a Dr. Seuss book while I talk to Miss Dormers, head of the prestigious Brassfield School. It's the third such "school" I've toured today, and I'm not quite sure when day cares became "educational learning centers" for little kids.
"This is all a little overwhelming," I admit to her. "I mean, she's not even four years old yet and she'll be learning Spanish? I seem to remember the highlight for me at that age was nap time and Jell-O pudding cups."
Miss Dormers laughs easily and gives me a knowing smile. "The children here get plenty of naps, recess, and healthy snacks. But their minds are engaged, for sure."
It's been an unbelievable experience for me today. Gracen started her job at the hospital, so she informed me yesterday that not only would I have to watch Lilly, but I would have to help her find a suitable day care to put Lilly in starting next week, since training camp began on Monday. This wasn't how I figured I'd be spending my last free Friday before the season starts, but I also didn't mind the responsibility of it.
Sure, I'm a little uneasy being on my own with Lilly. What if she chokes on something? Or has an allergy I didn't know about? Surely Gracen would have told me that, right?
Hell, buckling her in the car seat we transferred from Gracen's car to mine had me totally doubting my own abilities. I'm pretty sure the belt was too tight on Lilly, and I was a nervous wreck with her in the car.
"I'm going to have to talk to Lilly's mom about this," I tell the very helpful school administrator. "But we'll make a decision before the end of the day."
At least I think we would. I didn't even think to ask Gracen what time she got off work, but today was just orientation for her, so I assume she won't be there all day. Shit, I'm not even sure what she's doing at the hospital. We haven't exactly had any conversation since our kiss the day before yesterday when I was so goddamn angry at her, but equally turned on as well. I don't understand any of it.
I accept a fancy folder of information from Miss Dormers and she walks Lilly and me out to the front doors. I no sooner get Lilly strapped into her car seat when she says, "I've got to go potty."
Now this, I know what to do. Gracen didn't just turn our daughter over to me without some basic instructions. I got a full course on what to do when the potty was needed.
"Pee or poop?" I ask her, because one requires more assistance than the other.
"Pee," she says with the cutest grin.
"Okay," I say with an answering smile, and unlatch the buckles over her chest and lap. "Let's do this."
I feel somewhat accomplished when I'm able to get Lilly back into the school and in the guest bathroom adjacent to the main office. I hover outside the door, calling through it every thirty seconds, "Everything okay?"
Each time she replies, "I'm okay."
After what seems like thirty minutes but is really only five, Lilly tells me she's okay for the tenth time and I push the door slowly open.
Lilly's still sitting on the toilet, her little jean shorts around her shins. Her elbows are on her thighs and she's leaning slightly forward, swinging her legs casually.
"Are you still peeing?" I ask her.
"I think I need to poop," she says. "Will you tell me a story?"
"I...um...well...a story?"
She nods, grinning at me expectantly.
"Okay, well...what kind of story?" I step into the bathroom and shut the door behind me.
"About a princess," she exclaims brightly.
Shit. A princess? Seriously?
I rack my brain trying to remember any bit of information I might possess about princesses and I come up dismally blank.
Lilly's blue eyes stare at me with such high expectation I feel myself growing hot under my collar. I'm utterly panicked, not wanting to let her down.
But then I remember something Gracen said to me this morning as she was making Lilly's breakfast of eggs and bacon. "Just remember, Marek, Lilly's like the most easygoing kid there is. It's going to be hard for you to disappoint her."
God, I hope she was right.
I take a deep breath and lean back against the sink, putting my hands into the pockets of my slacks. "Okay, so once upon a time, there was this princess."
"What was her name?" Lilly asks excitedly.
"Um...Princess Joan," I say, my mom's name the first thing that comes to me.
Lilly frowns a little, and I can't tell if she thinks the name is weird or if she's actually pooping, so I continue.
"And Princess Joan was locked in a tower and guarded by a big, mean dragon."
Those blue eyes go wide with awe, and I feel a little encouraged.
"Yeah...so anyway, all the princes in the land tried to save her, but the dragon was just too fierce. None of them could make it past him up the long, winding staircase to the top."
"What happened?" she asks breathlessly, and then another frown.
Yup...she's pooping.
"Well, luckily for Princess Joan, there was
a very strong and brave prince called Galeti."
"Galeti? What kind of name is that?" she asks suspiciously.
"Lithuanian. He was a prince from the kingdom of Lithuania." My voice is assured and Lilly buys it. Her smile brightens and she leans forward on the toilet a little more as if the anticipation of the rest of the story is too much to bear. "And anyway, Prince Galeti was a hockey player. He was big and strong and wasn't even afraid of the dragon."
"He wasn't?" Her eyes are as big as saucers, twinkling with keen interest.
"Nope. In fact, he ran up that staircase with his hockey stick, and when that dragon tried to block his way, he hip checked that dragon right into the boards."
"What boards?"
"Um...the castle wall. And the hip check was so awesome, the dragon got a concussion and was taken out of the game."
"What game?"
"Taken off guard duty, I mean." Damn, this is hard. "And so Prince Galeti ran up the staircase, kicked the door open, and swept the princess in his arms."
"Did he kiss her? Did he?"
"He did. Gave her a big kiss and then--"
"They lived happily ever after," she yells exuberantly, and starts clapping her hands. "That was really good, Daddy."
My knees go wobbly over her affirmation, that she liked the first real thing I've done for her as a father.
And when she calls me Daddy, there are no words to describe the feeling.
My throat tightens, and for the first time in what has to be two decades, I feel like crying.
Luckily, Lilly kills the overwhelming emotion bubbling up inside of me when she says, "I'm done pooping. I need help wiping my butt."
I can't help the bark of a laugh that comes out as I push off the sink. While generally I would not be crazy over the idea of wiping someone's ass, I find myself not minding the responsibility at all.
When I finally get Lilly strapped back into her car seat, she says to me, "I'm hungry, Daddy."
I still don't know if she really knows what a daddy is just yet, but she's calling me that consistently, and it touches me more than anything has in my life. I glance at my watch and see it's quarter after one.
And shit, not sure how time got away from me. I remember Gracen saying that after lunch, Lilly will usually nap for a few hours. We're already well past the time she normally eats, and I don't know what to do at this point. I assume food is more important than sleep, but she should have both, right? And Gracen says she normally gets up around 2:30 P.M., but by the time I feed her and get her down, she'd probably sleep until dinnertime, and that can't be good. She'll be up all night.