saying a word to me or even looking in my direction. I wondered if he was still posing for pictures for the campaign and looked around for photographers but there weren’t any.
I felt like I should ask what was wrong, but I ALSO WASN’T HIS DAD. I looked around for any MTV executive blowjob but no one seemed to be here yet. Then I realized something SHOULD I HAVE PUT HUMAN FETUS ON THE FLIERS BECAUSE I JUST PUT FETUS BUT HOW MANY FETUSES COULD BE MISSING IN L.A.?
Justin was hitting me with a funny frown like he could tell what I was thinking.
Then he finally said, “My dad wants more money.” He was sinking down in the recliner so much so I expected to see him completely slide down off of it onto the floor.
“Oh, I see.”
“Like dude, how much can I give you every month?” His arm slid off the armrest in a moment of distress. “After your ass left me and mom when I was a kid?”
“I found the flag,” I decided to say, thinking it would cheer him up a bit. “The one I wiped my ass with…?”
He got all bright-eyed. “You did?!”
“Yes, look, I want to move into this house as soon as possible - do you know when we can get started?”
“No, bro, I don’t. No one’s really talking about it anymore.” His tone was quite direct. “They’re talking about that actor who got ran over by a car on that film set.”
“Who?” YEAH WELL MY FETUS HAS GONE MISSING AND NO ONE CARES ABOUT THAT.
“I don’t know what his name is,” Justin offered one of his suave shrugs. “Jason, something with a J - but not Justin - not that cool.” He smirked.
“Well that sucks, is he okay?”
“I guess. That would suck to get hit by a car - I mean I might die. I think other people would too.”
“If they got hit by a car?”
“No - if I got hit by a car, bro.”
“Ah.” Okay then.
“I mean, my penis?!” He concluded.
I just nodded and watched as Annie walked in with Justin’s “medicine” again. Too much time went by without anything happening and then my phone FINALLY did something and I checked to see who texted me - hoping with all I was made of that it was Josh - but it was Josephine. THE SCOWL ON MY FACE WAS REAL.
Were you home last night? She texted.
NO I WAS AT MY DIMWIT GIF’S HOUSE WHY
THEN I LOOK AND SEE MY TEXT SAID GIF INSTEAD OF GF BECAUSE OF STUPID AUTOCORRECT AND I HATE EVERYTHING BAD AND GOOD AND EVERYTHING!!
Someone was there, I drove by. The TV was on, she texted back before I could bother correcting anything.
WHAT.
You should go home.
I look up and find Justin just staring at me again and I have no idea what it meant. Annie just finished whispering something in his ear and he looked upset.
“They’re not doing the show bro, things fell through. The shirt thing’s not trending anymore, I guess.” He shrugged again as Annie walked out and left us alone.
I WAS MUCH MORE DISAPPOINTED THAN I WANTED TO BE.
“Look don’t say anything about how sad I was just now,” he sweetly requested. “I don’t want to make waves with my parents. I got this. You know? And it wasn’t because of my dad - I mean he’s cool - he just never...I don’t know...functioned well, like, as a parent. Anyway, I was sad because I was listening to your music this morning - the really, really old stuff from like before I was born - you wrote a song about a monkey. I had a little monkey...I sent him to the country…” he was actually about to cry as he recited my song. “I fed him on gingerbread.” He moved his thumb to catch a tear in the corner of his warm brown eye.
“I thought...everyone forgot about that song.” I was amazed.
“Made me miss my monkey. That’s all, bro. But it’s all good.”
“That sucks. Well…” I stood up and waved at him this time. But I knew it was a wave that meant goodbye.
8
On the way back to my house I didn’t even want to go to, I blasted Whitney Houston’s I Will Always Love You and it felt really, really good. I MEAN WHAT A SONG. This was what people should be tweeting about. I wanted to drive back. As palm tree after palm tree went by, I just wanted to turn around and go back. YES I LIKE LOOKING AT YOUR SERENITY FOUNTAIN JUSTIN.
I turned the song up even louder. It didn’t matter which direction I drove - this song was where I was. I WAS IN THIS SONG.
Then I started to text Sally but decided to text Josephine instead. With the windows open and the smell of the Pacific Ocean, life didn’t seem that bad just then.
MEET ME AT MY HOUSE I AM SCARED
Okay, she texted back. HOW WAS SHE ALWAYS SO CALM WAS SHE ON DRUGS OR SOMETHING?
I drive by my house about three times before stopping because she was not there. MAYBE SHE HAD TO GO BUY ANOTHER UGLY PAIR OF STEVE MADDEN SHADES but finally, on the fourth drive by, there was her car.
I sat in my car staring at the window in the front of my house that looked in at my living room. Josephine got out of her car but I wouldn’t get out of mine.
We both stared at the TV in my house, which was on, and there was SOMETHING sitting on my couch watching an episode of Keeping Up With The Kardashians. It had pretty blonde hair and strange brown leathery looking skin. It wasn’t quite human. WHAT WAS THAT THING.
“I think you should get out of your car, Brian,” Josephine suggested. NOTHING DROVE ME MADDER THAN SOMEONE CALLING ME BY MY REAL NAME.
But she was right. I needed to get out of my car. As we approached my house and looked harder through the living room window, I saw the creature up close. It was using my defiled American flag as a blanket, and the back of the things t-shirt read BIGGER THAN SATAN. It turned around and smiled at me, warm brown eyes beaming, and waved. WAS THIS THE FETUS??!
“You better wave back,” Josephine instructed.
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