Finally, I squirmed around until I was in a better position, then with my back braced against the ground, I pushed up on the trunk with my legs. The bulla was doing the work, I knew that, but it was still amazing to feel the weight shift. I rotated my hips to get the thickest branches off me, and then pushed at them with my arms.
Once he saw me, Crispus twisted his body between the smaller branches until he could offer a hand to help me up.
"How did you survive that?" His eyes were wide with amazement. "You should've been crushed."
"I just stopped it." Which was all the explanation I could offer. "When the trunk fell, I grabbed hold and pushed back."
Crispus grinned. "It's exactly what we thought last night. You have the powers of the goddess Diana, her strength, her ability to communicate with animals. She can heal people." His eye traveled to my injured arm. "Nic, she can heal herself."
By now, the wound felt hotter than the bulla ever did, and I held out my arm to show him. "Does this look like I can heal myself?"
"Maybe you haven't tried." Aurelia's eyes brightened.
"I don't know how!"
"Then I'll have to treat it tonight. I'll be scrubbing that arm for hours, and hours" -- her grin turned wicked -- "and hours."
That was motivation enough. I closed my eyes and thought about the wound, the way it constantly burned and ached. For a moment, nothing happened, but I focused my thoughts even further, and connected them to the warmth of the bulla. Once I did, the feeling of magic rushed through me, wrapping itself around the entire arm like a stiff wool blanket.
"You're doing it!" Aurelia whispered.
I cheated enough to peek at the wound with one eye. A glow no brighter than the bulla's had surrounded the wound and was carrying the infectious heat away. But it wasn't only the bulla's magic. I felt the mark on my shoulder at work and knew Radulf could sense it too. He said nothing, but I felt he was pleased. That bothered me, and I had to break from those thoughts to keep focused on my arm. When I looked again, I saw the skin closing back together, leaving only a thin red scar.
Beside me, both Crispus and Aurelia gasped. For my part, I couldn't believe what had happened. I shook my arm, expecting the wound to somehow reveal itself again, but not only was the limb as good as ever before, I was certain that it felt stronger.
Aurelia grabbed my arm to examine it for herself. When she looked up at me again, her smile was wide. "You didn't need the emotion this time. You just did the magic!"
"You have more power than you think," Crispus said proudly. "That's why you'll defeat Radulf, when the time comes."
"He knows the magic in the Divine Star much better than I do."
"But you have that same mark," Aurelia said. "You can learn the same magic."
"Let's test it," Crispus said. "Take off the bulla. We'll concentrate on only using that mark."
"I won't do that." Radulf's presence in my mind had vanished the moment my arm had healed, and I wasn't about to invite him back again. "Radulf knows when I use the mark, but not when I use the bulla. I'll practice using the bulla, but I won't do anything with the Divine Star unless I have to."
Aurelia and Crispus shrugged at each other, then Crispus said, "All right, but I don't want to risk being crushed by any more trees. Let's work on a smaller scale."
So for the rest of the afternoon, we did. They had me try to start a fire, which after two hours of concentration only produced a whiff of smoke. I mentioned that it was better than me exploding something, and although Crispus agreed, I did wonder if he'd rather have seen the explosion. Aurelia suggested a different tactic, and had me try to move the fallen tree without touching it. I tried, pouring every ounce of strength I had into making it move the slightest inch, but nothing happened. Nor could I throw a rock when they asked me to, or even raise it into the air.
"It seems that we can have either total destruction or nothing." Crispus sounded as discouraged as I felt.
Or rather, I was having trouble feeling much of anything at all. I was exhausted. Through slurred words, I said, "Releasing the whole of my magic is like sending a boulder down a hill. But controlling it is like keeping the boulder from rolling. Much harder."
"We can't keep pushing him like this," Aurelia said.
"The magic makes him stronger," Crispus argued.
"Yes, but it also pulls strength from me!" I said. "You might not see me working, but I am."
"Then let's rest," Crispus said. "We won't make progress otherwise."
Rustling sounds startled all of us to attention. Aurelia pulled out her knife, but quickly put it away when Valerius appeared in the field, accompanied by a host of servants with food and drink.
"I thought you might want some refreshment," he said.
Aurelia walked forward before it occurred to me that he had intended the food for all of us. So after a short hesitation I joined her, but noticed the senator motion for Crispus to stand aside with him for a private conversation. His servants offered us trays of hard-boiled eggs, figs, and some dried fish. I was eager to eat all of it, but my attention was distracted by Crispus and his father. The lines in Valerius's face seemed deeper than usual and I didn't like the way Crispus was nodding. The conversation obviously involved me, and I hated being kept out of it.
"What do you suppose Crispus is saying?" Aurelia whispered.
"That at best, my magic is uncontrollable, and at worst it's completely useless. They're having doubts about me, and rightly so."
Aurelia smiled grimly. "I know you're trying."
"Trying isn't good enough," I said. "Not for what's coming. That's what Crispus is telling his father."
Valerius put a hand on Crispus's shoulder, told him one more thing at which Crispus only shrugged, then Valerius turned to me. "Let's take a short walk. Crispus and Aurelia can rest here."
I wanted to point out that if anyone deserved a rest, it was me. But maybe that wasn't fair. Crispus and Aurelia were doing their best to help me produce magic, and running from it whenever I succeeded. They had to be exhausted too.
I walked with Valerius into the main part of his vineyard. The vines were thick with ripening grapes, creating a sweet perfume in the air that I loved to inhale and hold inside until I drew my next breath.
Valerius obviously had more serious matters on his mind. Once we were far from any listening ears, he said, "I'm sorry I was called away this morning. I had hoped to be here to help in your training."
"I just need more time. It might take years for me to learn this."
"Nonsense. Crispus tells me you healed that wound in your arm. I can see for myself that it's even better than I would have thought possible."
"Healing a wound isn't the same as fighting with magic! When I try to fight, the bulla does nothing. And when I simply react out of fear or anger, then it does far more than I intend. Either way is dangerous."
"Doing nothing is equally dangerous. Have you considered that? The Roman Empire is at stake. Either we get the key, or Horatio will hand it over to Radulf. We need your magic. Whether you have too much, or not enough, you are the only chance the empire has."
If that speech was supposed to make me feel better, it failed in every possible way. Even if I was the only chance, that still didn't mean I had any chance at all. If today had proved anything, it's that I wasn't strong enough to stop Radulf, or save an empire. No, I was the person who, only hours earlier, had toppled a tree on himself.
Valerius sighed. "The reason I was called away this morning was for a Senate meeting, and I'm sure you can guess at the conversation. Senator Horatio is very eager to find you. He's doubled the reward for anyone who brings you in, and made his intentions for you clear. My spies tell me Horatio wants to announce his loyalties in public, so that all of Rome hears of it. We believe he'll do it at the games in two days."
I caught a worried glance from Aurelia and turned away from her and asked, "Two days! No, I need more time!"
"We'll have to go to the games and stop him
there. If you can defeat Radulf on the arena floor, Horatio won't have the chance to make his announcement."
"Which would be a wonderful idea, if I could control the magic!"
"You will learn to master it." The frown on Valerius's face deepened. "But remember, even if you don't succeed against Radulf, you must stop Horatio. At any price."
I stepped back and shook my head. No, my freedom would not come at any price. Even saving Rome would not happen if it meant I had to blur the shades of right and wrong. And it bothered me that Valerius saw things differently.
Either Valerius didn't notice my objection, or he didn't care. "I can feel success coming closer," he said. "Nic, once you do this, you will stand at my side as a hero of Rome."
"No, sir. Once I do this, I will find my sister and leave Rome. But to do what I must, I need the griffin. I wouldn't have escaped last time without her, and I need her again now."
Valerius lowered his eyes. "That's not possible."
"I can talk to her. I'll convince her to come and help me. All I have to do is figure out where she is now."
"We know where she is." Valerius hesitated a moment -- far too long -- before he continued. "She's taken over the baths near the Appian Way. Nobody will go in there because she's still dangerous, but they say it doesn't matter anyway because of the wound in her wing. She can't fly, and she can't hunt. Your griffin is dying."
Valerius took me back to Crispus and Aurelia, insisting I spend the rest of the afternoon practicing. Knowing how little time was left now, I gave it the best I had, but my thoughts were too much on Caela. I had often wondered about her since she last flew away, but in my mind I had always seen her nestled atop a pile of gold or flying over the skies of Rome or swooping in for a hunt. She was a creation of the gods. So I had thought it only natural that she could have healed that wound herself.
"What did Valerius say to you back there?" Aurelia had asked me at least ten times since I'd returned. I had told them my battle with Radulf would happen soon, but nothing about Horatio's role in it, or about Caela. Aurelia placed a hand on my arm, right where the infected wound had been only hours ago. "You don't have to fight Radulf. Just run. Leave Rome on your own."
"I agree," Crispus said. "My father is persuasive, but he can't force you to do this."
"The empire knows what I can do. Do you really think they'll just let me go? I don't want to be hunted the rest of my life."
"At least you'll be alive!" Aurelia's face fell. "If you lose --"
"Or if I win." I shrugged. "Either way, I get Radulf's voice out of my head."
Crispus nodded as a smile spread across his face. I wasn't sure if he was encouraged by my words, or trying to be the one who encouraged me. "If you win, the emperor will reward you with freedom."
"And your father will find my sister," I finished. "He promised me that."
Aurelia clapped her hands together. "Then let's get back to work. Good things are coming for you, Nic. I can feel that."
I was glad she could, because once we returned to practice, I still felt nothing except for concern for Caela. Even though we worked into the evening, my progress was barely noticeable. I could get the bulla to warm simply by thinking about the proper emotion, but not enough to produce any magic. And nothing Crispus or Aurelia did or said brought up any actual emotions. Nothing was stronger than my worry for Caela, and no amount of magic would change that.
Unless it could.
As we trekked back to Crispus's home, I casually asked him where the Appian Way was. He didn't know about Caela, so the question shouldn't have aroused any suspicion.
"Why are you asking?" Aurelia wanted to know. Of course she would be the suspicious one.
"Valerius simply mentioned it in passing. I was only curious."
Crispus pointed out the direction, then, as we continued walking, he said, "Almost three hundred years ago, there was a rebellion by a slave named Spartacus, who had once been a gladiator. At the time, a third of this city was slaves, so the rebellion was obviously a considerable problem. The fighting lasted for two years, and Spartacus had many victories ... until he brought his armies to the Appian Way. Rome called in its armies from outside the city and advanced those that were here. Spartacus was trapped. Shortly after his final defeat, six thousand slaves were executed along that road. If you ask me, they got what they deserved."
"That's a terrible thing to say!" Aurelia scolded. "And did you even think about who Nic is?"
Crispus stopped and faced me. "I'm sorry. No, I didn't. I guess I don't think of you as a slave."
"That's because I'm not one anymore." I eyed Aurelia with irritation. "It's who I was. Not who I am." Then I walked on ahead of both of them.
She tried to apologize that evening at supper, but my mind was elsewhere, so our conversation didn't get very far. There was a fine spread of food, but I barely ate any of it, and excused myself early, pleading exhaustion. I was beyond tired, but I had no intention of sleeping. Once the house quieted down, I was going to find Caela.
Since the others believed me to already be asleep, I was left alone for the night. I waited until there were no more footsteps outside, and then carefully opened my door. I crept through the atrium toward the entrance hall. Because of its weight, the main door made little noise when I opened it, and then, without a sound, I stepped out onto the road.
Having been so cautious, it was foolish of me to yelp so loudly when Crispus darted at me from one side and Aurelia from the other. Truthfully, I did more than yelp. I nearly fainted from surprise.
Once I recovered, I scowled, "What are you two doing out here?"
"A fine question, coming from the person sneaking out!" Aurelia retorted.
I started walking away. "I wasn't sneaking out. Just leaving, which I have every right to do. I'll be back by morning."
They caught up to me and continued walking on either side. "We're coming with you," Crispus said.
"You don't even know where I'm going."
"It's not the hardest thing to figure out." Aurelia shrugged. "Valerius told us about Caela. He said you seemed upset. Why didn't you tell us, Nic?"
I stopped and drew in a deep breath. "I don't know. Maybe I should have."
"Come this way." Crispus turned off the road back to his property. "We have a wagon waiting."
My knees locked. I wasn't willing to follow him just yet. "To go to the baths on the Appian Way? Nowhere else?"
Crispus smiled. "You assume everything I say is either a trick or a trap. What kind of life have you led?"
"Let's just say there's a reason I think that way." Then I paused and started walking again. "Thank you for this. I don't know if I could've found it in the dark."
We climbed into the back of a wagon and the driver steered the horse away. Crispus pointed to some sacks inside the wagon. "It's meat," he said. "I had them filled with as much as we had available. Your griffin might need to eat something."
"Thank you again." The more Crispus and his father did for me, the greater my debt to them. I figured they must know more than I did about how hard it would be to defeat Radulf. They wanted to build up that debt while they could.
At my side, Aurelia took my hand and gave it a squeeze. "I understand why you have to do this," she said. "That griffin saved your life. You want to say good-bye."
"Her name is Caela," I said. "And I'm not coming to say good-bye."
The drive to the baths was longer than I had anticipated. On foot, it would've taken more than half the night to get there, and that didn't even include the likelihood I would've gotten lost. For that alone, I was grateful to Crispus.
Once the baths came into sight, I warned Crispus to have his driver let us off at a distance. "From what I understand, Caela hasn't eaten for several days. In an ordinary meeting, she'd have no love for your horses, but especially not tonight."
He nodded and ordered the driver to stop where we were. That left us each hauling a sack of meat the rest of the way to the baths. With th
e bright moon above us, I was able to clearly see the red brick building, and the sight was astonishing. The entire structure was so wide that I had to crane my head to see it from one end to the other, and every side seemed to be lined with long rows of arches. Crispus said these were his mother's favorite baths, and that sometimes she would spend entire days here.
"Just bathing?" I asked.
"No, of course not." The smile on his face revealed his constant astonishment at how little I knew. It would've been insulting, except I was just as ignorant of the world as he suspected. Maybe more. "There are places to exercise, socialize in the gardens, or get a massage, and there are places to shop in the daytime. This one even has two libraries."
I chuckled. "I never thought about the baths as places to read."
"Well, she still spends most of her time in the water. My mother might be the cleanest woman ever to roam the earth."
We all laughed, and yet a part of me wondered about that kind of life. I hadn't been above ground for this long since I was sold to the mines, and even watching the sun from first light to sunset was a strange luxury. The idea that a person could spend an entire day doing nothing but lounging beside a pool, with nothing required of them, was completely foreign.
Crispus nudged my side. "If I can judge by your expression, you don't seem to want a life like my mother has."
I grinned. "Actually, I was thinking I should try it for a while, just to see how I bear the burden of wealth."
Once we went inside, beneath an open sky we found well-tended gardens that stretched from one wall to the other. I couldn't see Caela anywhere, but I sensed her, and picked up my pace. We walked along the corridor until I saw the entry doors.
"One side for the men, the other for the women," Crispus said.
"Which side are we going in?" Aurelia asked.
"The men's, of course."
Aurelia teasingly punched his arm and he joked, "If you fight like a boy, and carry weapons like a boy, then I don't see why you can't learn to use the boys' entrance."
"No, I fight and carry weapons like a girl, and I'll use the girls' entrance! See you on the other side!" Then she skipped through the other doors.