I love you, Micah. Her words stroked over his senses, caressed his empty heart.
He heard that much too often, as though her voice drifted on the breeze around him.
“Maverick.” Heat Seeker tugged at his arm. “We need to roll.”
He nodded slowly, took one last look at the corpse of the man who had destroyed the life of David Abijah, then turned and followed the rest of the team out of the house.
A jeep squealed to a stop at the front door as they threw the door open and raced out. The two girls were being carried by Wild Card and Black Jack. Nik was barking the extraction code through the link to Jordan as they piled into the vehicle.
No one tried to stop their exit. The few soldiers left raced into the house instead.
Micah stared into the night as the jeep sped along the rough path back to the jeep where Jordan waited with the inflatable speedboats to return them to the freighter. Once they were back in international waters, a Navy warship was waiting, a helicopter prepped and ready to fly them to American soil, all without anyone knowing who they were or where they came from.
It was over. Micah had signed his life away for vengeance, and now that vengeance had been exacted, he knew exactly how empty his life had been before Risa.
The jeep braked to a hard stop next to the boat. They piled out and rushed for the black inflatable. Within seconds they were tearing through the water toward the freighter.
Within twenty minutes the freighter was slicing through the waves, bearing them to the warship.
Micah watched the sun come up, saw the light blue perfection of the morning sky, and felt Risa’s touch in his memories.
He had intended to stay as far away from her as possible, but he hadn’t kept that vow to himself. He’d returned several times, stood in the shadows of her grandmother’s property, and watched Risa as she sat alone on the balcony of her bedroom.
Some nights, he swore their eyes met. He wouldn’t have been surprised in the least if she had left the house and come to him. The bond they had created during such a short time felt that deep, that enduring.
But she had continued to sit on her balcony during those few, brief visits, and Micah had forced himself to stay hidden. There were things that had to be done, choices that had to be made. He couldn’t return to her as long as those obstacles still hung over their heads.
“It never goes away,” Noah said as he leaned against the railing and stared out to sea as Micah watched the sky. “You’ll always see her. In the sky, in the night, in a breath or a sigh. She’ll always be there.”
And Noah should know. He had gone six years without his wife. He had lived as the walking dead, eating, breathing, sleeping death. Until the day fate threw them together again.
Noah had taken what was his. He hadn’t demanded or asked. He had declared her his. He could have her and fight the battle he’d signed on to, or he could walk into true death from sheer grief.
The Elite Ops had a ton of money in their agents. They couldn’t afford to lose them to broken hearts.
But could Micah afford to take what he needed so desperately? Would Risa even want the man he was now?
He shook his head, unable to answer his own questions.
“Think about it, Micah,” Noah said softly. “Just think about it.”
Hours later he was still thinking about it. That evening as the helicopter flew them back into base in Big Bend National Park, it was still weighing on him.
His flesh felt too tight over his bones. The need for Risa’s taste, for her touch, was a fever burning inside him. Orion was over. He was gone. The nightmares of her past were finished; all that was left was any lingering nightmares she had.
And Micah wanted to be there. If she cried in the night, he wanted to be the one to hold her, to soothe her.
In the showers he washed the grime and blood from his body. He remembered her touch, her scent, and felt his cock thickening in torturous need. He spent too many nights like this, aching for her, needing her.
He laid his head against the cement wall of the shower and grimaced. He’d spent too many days and nights trapped inside this fucking mountain. He wanted to feel the sun on his face. He wanted to hold Risa in his arms, love her as the warmth of the coming spring days began to warm the land.
He wanted her. He was fucking dying without her.
He rinsed the soap from his hair and dried it quickly. He jerked his clothes on, his boots. In his locker he dragged out his jacket, wallet, cash, and credit cards.
“Going somewhere, Maverick?”
He turned his head and almost growled like a damned animal as Jordan leaned against the end of the lockers and arched his brow curiously.
“Jacket, wallet, cash, and cards. Looks like a long unauthorized trip to me.”
Micah shoved his wallet in his back pocket with the cards; the cash he shoved into the front pocket. The keys he kept in his hand as he pulled on the jacket.
“I’m due leave,” he informed the other man. “Six weeks’ worth. I’m taking it.”
“We have another mission going out in a matter of days,” Jordan stated. “We need you there.”
“Too bad. I remember the contract,” he snarled. “Six fucking weeks.”
Jordan pursed his lips thoughtfully. “You have to sign out and list your destination as well as your intended activities while you’re gone.”
“Guess,” Micah growled.
“It’s against the rules, Micah,” Jordan reminded him. “No weakness, remember? What is a woman if she’s not a weakness?”
Micah walked slowly along the corridor created by the lockers until he stood only feet from his commander.
“She’s mine.”
Jordan’s brows lifted. “Really? And the papers you signed state that you belong to the Elite Ops. Not a woman.”
“Don’t fuck with me,” Micah leaned closer and hissed the demand. “I signed the agreement. Twelve years or until death. You want your twelve years? Don’t stand in my way.”
“You’ll go rogue then?” Jordan asked dangerously.
Micah almost laughed. “No, Jordan, I won’t go rogue. I’ll catch a bullet and I won’t give a damn if I come back from it. I can’t fight without her. There’s your destination and your intent. See you in six weeks.”
“Say hello to Abigail for me,” Jordan called back. “Ask nicely and Reno might give you a ride in the helicopter waiting to take him home as well.”
Micah lengthened his steps, heading for the stairs that led to the ground level of the base. The helicopter was waiting to fly Reno back to Georgia, and back to his wife and son. That same helicopter would take Micah back to the dream that he had thought he could live without.
What fools men could be, he thought. To think he could live without his heart, without the part of his spirit that he gave to his woman. How insane had he been to believe he could ever live without Risa when in truth, he hadn’t known what living was until he learned what loving her meant?
AS HE ENTERED the ground floor of the base he saw Reno and Noah talking. Neither man looked happy. Micah moved down the stairs, aware of both of them watching him, glaring at him.
“I’m sharing your copter,” he informed Reno. “Are you ready to fly?”
Reno’s brows lifted. “I’m heading to Georgia, Micah, not the closest bar.”
Micah grunted at that. “Let’s fly, Reno, try not to piss me off.”
He strode past the two men and headed for the exit. It wasn’t as though he had become a drunkard. A bar was just more conductive to certain thoughts. When Micah felt as though his life had reached rock bottom, then sitting in the seediest, darkest bar he could find seemed the best option for those thoughts.
Not that he had done it often. But often enough, it seemed, that it had been noticed.
He pulled himself into the helicopter and watched as Reno followed in behind him. Reno gave the pilot the order to lift off and within seconds they were in the air and heading for home.
Once, Israel had been home. It was there that Micah’s heart had leaned during the empty dark moments of his life since he had joined the Ops. Now, Risa was home. It was her where his heart had stayed. It was her that every part of his being longed for.
“She might tell you to fuck off,” Reno stated as he leaned back in his seat and crossed his arms over his chest. He was still glaring at Micah.
“She might,” Micah agreed absently, more involved with his memories of Risa than he was with Reno’s advice.
But she would be there. If she told him to fuck off, he’d fuck her until she changed her mind. He hadn’t spent six hellish weeks tracking down Orion and dying for her, only to be turned away like a flea-bitten stray.
“She’s staying with her grandmother now,” Reno told him.
“I know where the hell she’s at.” Micah jerked his head around and scowled back at Reno. “Worry about your life, Reno; stop worrying about mine.”
Reno grunted at that and frowned. “She’s too good for you,” he snapped, obviously pissed over something.
Micah pushed his fingers through his hair and grimaced at that. “We agree there.” There was nothing that could be done for it, though. He ached for her. He fucking hurt for her. The pain was like a wound that went to the bone and refused to heal. There would be no healing, no ease, until he saw Risa again.
She wouldn’t turn him away, he thought. She couldn’t turn him away. He had been a dead man in name only, but without Risa he would become a dead man in truth. Everything inside him belonged to her. Being without her was killing him.
“Hurt her again and I’ll break your neck,” Reno informed him harshly.
Micah turned his head and stared at Reno again. His gaze was flat and cold, hard. “Get off my back, Reno, or I’ll toss you out of this helicopter,” he snapped. “I don’t need your threats or your advice.”
Reno’s lips tightened. “She’s a friend, Micah.”
“She’s my soul.”
Conversation ceased. Reno stared back at him for long moments before he finally gave a quick, abrupt nod. Micah turned his gaze back outside. He stared into the clear blue sky and saw Risa’s eyes. He heard the tears in her voice when he left; he felt the pain that had nearly ripped him in two when he had left.
He was going home. Now, he only prayed that she would give him another chance to love her. To touch her. To live within the warmth of her smile.
CHAPTER 27
RISA WAS SPENDING too much time at Raven’s and Morganna’s. She knew she was, and though that knowledge had her cringing a bit at the reasons, still she was helpless against it.
That evening after Raven had put Morgan to bed, Risa sat in the living room staring sightlessly at the wall, her hands twisting nervously in her lap.
She should leave.
She rose to her feet to do just that and the pain that bloomed in her chest nearly spilled the tears that seemed ever present from her eyes.
It was like tearing a piece of her body away.
Hugging her arms against her breasts, she paced to the large window that looked out over the driveway and told herself she had to leave. She’d been here for hours. Raven no doubt had things to do. Reno was due home today. She would want to get ready to greet her husband. He’d been gone for weeks this time.
Was Micah returning with him? Risa wondered.
She drew in a hard breath and shook her head. Turning quickly, she pulled her purse from the table by the couch and started for the door.
She wasn’t going to do this to either one of them. If Micah had returned with Reno, then it was because of his job, because of an assignment. Because he no doubt had things to do and one of those things was not seeing the woman he had walked away from.
“Risa, are you leaving already?”
She turned at the sound of Raven’s soft voice. Raven had piled her long dark hair atop her head. Her blue eyes were faintly alarmed, her expression anxious.
“I need to get back.” Risa shook her head. “I’m sorry, Raven. I’ve been taking up too much of your time like this.”
She had to stop talking. The pain rose inside her, searing her chest, her throat, as she fought to hold back the tears. It had to be the hormonal changes in her body, she thought. The doctor had warned her about the mood swings. With the absence of the small amount of Whore’s Dust that had once been present in her brain, and her current pregnancy, he’d told her that it would be as though she didn’t know which emotion she needed to feel. She would be learning herself all over again.
And maybe she was. She was definitely learning what it meant to hurt inside until she thought she was going to die from the pain. She was learning what it meant to miss someone, to watch for him everywhere she went. To cry for him each night.
She pressed her hand to her stomach and reminded herself that she wasn’t alone anymore. She had a part of that love inside her. It eased her, but nothing could erase the living ache that beat at her chest.
“I enjoy your company, Risa,” Raven said gently. “We’re friends; no apologies are needed.”
Risa shook her head and looked back to the window.
“I keep thinking he’ll be here,” she admitted, her voice hoarse. “That he’ll return with Reno. That all I need is to see him one more time, to know he’s safe, and I’ll be okay.”
“And you know better,” Raven finished for her. “You know if you see him you’re only going to hurt worse, and ache more.”
Risa nodded jerkily. “It’s not fair of me to put either of us in that position,” she told her friend. “He had to leave. Didn’t he?”
Of course he did. He wouldn’t have gone otherwise, she told herself. But the absence tormented her. If he loved her, how could he stay away from her? Risa spent more time at Raven’s, Morganna’s, and Emily’s than she spent at her own home now. Hoping to hear something. Hoping one of her friends would volunteer the smallest shred of information. And they never did.
“Did he?” Raven asked instead. “Only Micah knows that answer, Risa. Would he have left you if he could have stayed?”
Risa’s lips trembled. “He would have stayed.”
She had to believe in that. It was the only thing that got her through each night, the only thought she had to hold on to.
She almost laughed at the thought. “I’ve lost my mind,” she told Raven then. “I managed to survive six years of nightmares, and even then, the nights didn’t seem so long.”
She slept, but rather than having nightmares, she dreamed of Micah. His touch. His kiss. His arms wrapped around her. Only to awaken alone. Awake was her nightmare now, because she hadn’t yet learned how to survive without him.
“You haven’t lost your mind,” Raven sighed. “You lost your heart; there’s a difference.”
Risa shook her head. “No, Raven, I lost Micah.”
And that said it all. Shaking her head, she turned from her friend and moved once again for the door.
“Risa,” Raven stopped her again. “I wish you’d stay for a while.”
Risa shook her head. “I can’t stay,” she whispered. “I shouldn’t even be here for the reasons I’m here. I can’t do this to him, or to myself, Raven. Not anymore.”
She left the house, her head down, hoping her hair hid her tears, and moved quickly for her car. She had spent too much time in the past two weeks waiting for him, watching for him. She had worried, and she had paced the floors locked in a certainty that she was never going to see Micah again.
“Leaving so soon?”
She froze. Her head jerked up.
He was standing in front of her. His black eyes were as tormented as she felt; his face was lined with tiredness.
Her lips parted, her heart began to race in her chest.
Then he smiled. A crooked little grin that stilled the breath in her chest.
“You’re a hard woman to catch up with,” he told her as he straightened away from the side of her car and moved closer. “Reno called ahead. First you wer
e at Emily’s. I got there five minutes after you left for Morganna’s. I went to Morganna’s, but you weren’t there.”
She shook her head. “We went shopping.”
“So then, Reno called home. You were going to leave before I arrived, Risa.”
She tried to swallow past her tears. She tried to tell herself she could get through this. That she’d wait, see why he was here, why he was searching for her.
Six weeks of loss locked inside her. Her hand moved to her stomach as she sought the connection with their child that had eased her for the past few weeks. Nothing could ease the pain of losing Micah, of seeing him, certain he’d walk away again.
“I shouldn’t have been here.” She shook her head again. “I’m sure you’re busy. Or something. I’ll leave.”
She moved for her car.
Micah stepped in front of her, his hands curved over her shoulders, and Risa felt her knees turn to jelly at the touch. Warmth flowed over her, inside her. It rocked her to her core; it stole her ability to breathe, to speak, to think.
“Come with me,” he whispered as her head lifted. “Just for a while.”
And she was supposed to refuse him? He made the request as though he expected just that.
She nodded and handed him the car keys. There wasn’t a chance in hell that she could drive in the shape she was in.
She moved around the car and slid into the passenger seat as Micah moved in beside her on the other side. The car started and he was pulling away from the house.
Risa told herself it was just another dream. As he drove through town and pulled the car into the underground parking lot of one of the nicer hotels, she continued to tell herself it didn’t mean anything. He just wanted to talk. Nothing more.
Six weeks. She had lived without his touch for six long weeks. Her hands fisted in her lap as she fought to keep her hands off him, to maintain her dignity, her pride.
He parked the car. When he got out, Risa drew in a hard breath, but she could sense the heady, rich warmth that flowed from his hard body.