Chapter 37
The gift shop was deserted except for the clerk. She rang out my gilded music box with a ceramic maple leaf painted in high gloss red on top. She was gone in the storeroom for a minute or two to find the box that came with it. I used the time to wind it slightly and listen to a few notes of ‘Oh Canada!’ while I waited.
Looking triumphant, she returned with the gift’s original packaging and lovingly re-secured it in preparation for shipment with the movements of an expert. Handing me my packaged up purchase with a look of satisfaction she smiled and bid me good day. I began to walk out of the store, but an idea had just sparked, so I turned back and asked, “Oh, and can I get the largest bag you have?”
She looked at me like I was crazy but complied wordlessly. I thanked her once again and stood there for a moment folding it down to maximum compaction, stowing it inside my daypack.
Gray was sitting down just outside in the lobby, reading the sports section of a USA Today. I moved toward him.
“Why did you bring your daypack down here?” he asked as he looked up to view my approach. If he searched it I would be dead in the water.
“It makes a nice purse,” I answered and then pressed on to the next item on the agenda. Holding up the music box I said, “I’m going over to the business center to see about having this shipped. It shouldn’t take long. I’ll be right back.”
“That’s fine. You’ve got about ten minutes still.”
He looked back at the article I’d interrupted and began reading again.
In the business center the young man was very helpful and re-packaged my music box in a slightly larger box with foam peanuts to make it more secure. I filled out the paper work and the UPS label and paid the shipping charges. But instead of handing over my box I said, “Now, I’m wondering if I could ask a favor. I’d like to talk the UPS person myself when he gets here. It’s sort of confidential, but very important to me. Could that be arranged?”
He looked totally bewildered but was still pleasant and said, “Certainly.”
“Good. Here’s my cell phone number. Please call me when he’s ready to leave and I’ll come right over. I’m just going to be next door in the restaurant. I’d like to be able to talk to him in private, so would you have him wait for me back there?” And I indicated the service area behind him. “I know it’s kind of unusual, but it’s really important.”
“Okay. He should be here any time now. I’ll call you before he goes. And you’ll bring that?” he said, pointing to my box.
“Yes. Thanks so much.”
Dan Gregory had arrived slightly early and now father and son were coming toward me, checking on my progress in the exportation of Canadian souvenirs.
Dan scooped me up in a big, decidedly fatherly hug, complete with back rubbing.
“You look lovely, but how are you feeling this morning, Ellie?”
He was all gentlemanly and sincere concern.
“I’ll live.”
It was supposed to be a joke, but it was a little off. They still laughed indulgently.
It was nice that his dad was here with him. At least he wouldn’t be alone; although once Gray figured out what I’d done he might prefer to be.
I had the cell phone in my pocket, so that I would be sure to feel the vibration of an incoming call. We ordered our breakfast and I messed with my tea, somewhat absentmindedly, while the Gregorys discussed the previous evening’s baseball highlights. Apparently they’d watched about an hour and a half of one game live in the ER waiting room.
I checked my phone to make sure I hadn’t missed the buzz, but there were no calls. It was quarter after ten. He must be running behind. Oh well, it would be nice to eat breakfast first.
And I did. Scrambled eggs with cheese, four slices of thick bacon, a slice of white toast and a huge glass of fresh squeezed orange juice that cost more than my breakfast entrée.
At ten forty-five my phone buzzed. I held it up so that Gray could see I was getting a call.
“Oh, I need to take this. Please excuse me.”
I put the phone up to my ear, but in a distracted manner I said to Dan, “If I don’t see you again, thank you so much, for everything.”
Hopefully he’d think that I was assuming he might be taking off soon, instead of the other way around.
“Hello?”
“Ms. Mayne? The UPS man is here and he’s ready to leave.”
“I’m on my way.”
When I approached the business center I walked right around to the opening at the counter and the clerk showed me through the door and out to the dock area. Then he stepped back into the office to give me some privacy with the handsome and muscular and very curious man in the brown uniform.
“Good day. So…what can Brown do for you?”
It sounded off the cuff and I laughed. He was alluding to the company slogan. I had a brown tee shirt that asked that very question. It had been sort of a lame re-gift from Hoyt when they’d first rolled out the slogan. It was lame, but it didn’t deter me. I wore the shirt constantly.
I looked over my shoulder and feigned concern, though it was rooted in realism.
“I need help,” I said in a low tone. “I’m trying to run away from my boyfriend and I want to ride with you out of here.”
He was instantly concerned, taking me very seriously.
“Why don’t you just call hotel security, or the police?”
“No,” I shook my head and then added, “let me show you something.”
Opening my wallet, which I had ready, I pulled out a brown business card. Pointing to the name printed in gold I explained, “That’s my dad. If you can get me to your branch, he can get me out of here. I’ll catch the first jump seat back to Louisville, where I live. Please.”
Hoyt would like it that I’d called him my dad.
He did some quick deciding and then eyeing the UPS label on the top of my box asked, “Is that going too?”
“Yes.”
He took it from my hands, nodding big in an exaggerated movement.
“Okay. We’re on camera here. You’ll need to step out the front of the hotel and walk down the entranceway. Turn right on the main street and I’ll pull up from behind. You can jump in the passenger side and then we’ll be on our way.”
He seemed excited. I definitely was. This was going to work. I could feel it.
“Okay. I’ll see you outside. I’ll be the one in the blue cap,” I said.
He headed off to his truck with my parcel and I went back inside to the business center. I thanked the clerk and walked back across the lobby stepping inside the Ladies’ Room. Securing the handicapped stall door, I quickly switched into the brown tee shirt I wore constantly, the lame one, pushing the old one back in my pack. Then I tucked my hair under my blue Kahurangi cap, placed my pack inside the large gift shop bag and proceeded through the lobby and out the front entrance.
In a calm but quick pace I made my way out of the parking lot and down the drive until I had reached the main drag. Turning to the right I started walking on the sidewalk, away from town. I’d made it about a half a block when I heard the sound of a truck engine in the distance behind me. I didn’t turn around or slow down—I just moved closer to the curb continuing onward until it pulled up beside me.
As I walked down the sidewalk, it felt absolutely surreal, this notion that here I was taking a stroll down a beautiful flower lined avenue on a pleasant sunny morning in a town overshadowed by a huge and majestic finger of the Rocky Mountains, knowing that in a second or two I’d be hopping on a UPS truck as a getaway vehicle.
There was a steady flow traffic going by, but I heard the deep engine sound of a large, diesel powered vehicle downshifting as it slowed behind me.
At exactly that moment someone grabbed my hand and swung me around.
“What are you doing?”
Ash’s eyes were dark, angry almost.
“Taking a walk?”
It came out
like a question. I glanced fleetingly over his shoulder to confirm the approach of my brown transport, now rolling more slowly, unsure of the maneuver now that I had been approached by a third party, who had not been anticipated by either of us.
Why did I think I could get away with this?
“Are you running away?” he demanded, not letting go of my hand. The anger I thought I was seeing became more clearly evident as pain, only tinged with anger.
“No. I’m just walking…”
Away. He’s not stupid—he’s not going to buy it.
I tried to sound innocent, but I was busted, and we both knew it. The UPS truck reached me now, pulling to stop as Ash looked over at it, confused. I glanced at the driver and flicked my eyes and chin forward, as if to indicate ‘leave now, but come back in a minute.’ He seemed to get it and drove off.
“What’s going on? Were you planning on hitching a ride with the UPS guy? Is that why you were talking to him before?”
Oh, of course he caught that. Why did I think this would work?
“What are you talking about?” I asked, digging deep for as much dumbfounded uncertainty as I could channel. After all, faking stupidity shouldn’t be too hard for me.
He just looked at me, those piercing eyes cutting through all my nonsense.
“Ellery, would you really try to leave without telling me?”
He was hurt. His warm thumbs were rubbing tiny soft circles into the top of my hand that was still in captivity.
Yes. I’m just that ridiculous—especially for thinking I could get away with it. The truth then. Just give him the truth.
“I just need some space and a little time, okay? Please don’t take that away from me. Just let me take my walk before somebody sees you. Don’t worry. I’ll be fine. What I need most right now is for you to trust me.”
He let go of my hand.
“What are you doing? I don’t understand,” he pressed.
I knew you wouldn’t, that’s why I planned on asking for forgiveness as opposed to permission.
“I’m walking away from Gray. And the less you know the better,” I said, looking back toward the hotel.
Taking a deep breath, I held it, and then started again.
“I’m going away for awhile, but when I come back, you’re the one I’ll be looking for, so don’t be too hard to find, okay?”
I turned around like that was it, and started walking again. That wasn’t it, though. He grabbed my wrist again, tighter this time.
“Ellery, no! Please Love, just listen to me. If you want to get away then let me take you. I can help you. I’ll hide you better than you can hide yourself. I’ll keep you safe, and we’ll be together.”
It was the most desperate and out of control state I had ever witnessed in Ash. It was also the most direct and nearly impossible to decline plea he’d ever made. It almost broke my resolve. It sounded like a great plan—way better than mine. I could feel my body starting to slide into him as I fought with myself. After all it was exactly what I wanted…right?
“I’ll marry you, if that’s what you want,” he offered, then sensing my reservation he continued, “or not. I’ll still take you anywhere you want to go. Please. Please Ellery. I’m begging you. Just please don’t leave like this. Please don’t leave without me.”
His eyes were red around the edges, and wet looking. They held my own eyes in a beam that I couldn’t escape. Through an act of sheer will I closed my eyes and experienced immediate release. I opened them up again but kept them carefully downcast and out of locking range.
It was perfectly sunny but a huge drop fell from the sky at my feet, where I was now looking. And then another.
Ash’s fingers were on my face, wiping my tears.
Tears? I reached up as well, and sure enough, my eyes were draining in torrents.
I laughed, feeling embarrassed. I had promised myself I wasn’t going to cry. That was what yesterday had been for—to get it all out of my system.
“Was it my shirt?” I asked, diverting myself and him, hopefully.
“What?”
He was confused.
“My shirt. My old brown UPS shirt. Did you recognize my shirt?” I asked.
“Yes, but I was expecting something to happen when you went to the Ladies’ Room given your history with quick changeovers there.”
I took a chance and looked at him. He smiled, but it was sad and tentative, not humorous, but not piercing, either.
“Darn it.” I sniffed and laughed in quick succession. “I knew I shouldn’t have given that part away.”
I wiped my eyes with the front edge of my tee shirt. Clarity returned, along with my sense of purpose. This was going to work out. I was going to do this the right way. I was not going to give in to temptation. I was going to be strong. I was ready now. But it already hurt. I took a big breath and spoke in a rush.
“You have to let me do this. It’s not about turning my back on you, Ash. I just need to prove some things to myself, to test myself. If you’re there making it easy, doing everything for me, I won’t get the answers I really need. I have to prove I can make it on my own for a while. I have to see what it’s like to make my own decisions with no safety net to bounce into. I just…I need to grow up.”
I paused to gather courage for the hard part that was coming up next. He was scanning my face, searching for the chink in my resolve. Or maybe he was agreeing with me. There was no way to tell. I pressed on.
“Monica, and Gray….and the team, and…even you…all of you make too many decisions for me that I should be making for myself. I don’t want to be a puppet any more. And I don’t want you to marry one—you deserve better than that. I have to learn how to pull my own strings. Starting now,” I said, imploring him with my eyes.
He dropped my hand again. With my fingers free I slipped the aquamarine off and handed it to him. He sucked in a quiet breath, no doubt in surprise at this unexpected, totally callous move. I noticed his free hand immediately moved to cover his wrist, perhaps in defensive anticipation of some kind of mandatory accessory exchange on my part.
“I need you to have this reset…if you ever want to use it again…on me or somebody else,” I explained.
His eyes looked through me and far away, maybe to the future, maybe to the past, but he wasn’t there with me anymore.
It was selfish and wrong, but I moved in and hugged him as tight as I could. He didn’t hug me back. Then I reached up and pulled his face down close to mine, staring into his eyes until he came back from where ever he’d been. Peering deep into my eyes, his possessed a look of loss and deep sorrow that seemed to change their very color, making them darker than I’d ever seen them before.
I decided I needed something I could refer back to, something that would make this terrible moment slightly sweet, and bearable, since I knew my mind would keep coming back to it, without my permission. So I kissed him, not hard, just passionately, with as much emotion and need and love as I could transfer, feeling his warm skin on my hands where I held him just behind his ears where his neck and hairline met. I pushed my fingers in, just slightly, feeling his soft hair as it brushed in between and over my fingertips. I felt, and smelled, and tasted, and listened to him, but I didn’t look. I just imagined happiness instead. I knew I wouldn’t want to remember the look on his face at this moment. I would just imagine his look when we did this again…when I was coming and not going…whenever that would be. Then I moved my lips to his ear.
“I love you, Ash. Only you. Never doubt it. But…you, uh…you don’t have to wait for me, if you don’t want to. I’ll understand.”
I could barely get that last part out.
“Yes, I do, Ellery. Take what time you need—and don’t feel bad about it. I’ll be waiting for you, patiently. Waiting for my woman to come back to me…I promise you,” he said, and he put the ring in his pocket.
I couldn’t stand to look in his eyes. I turned quickly, free now, and started walkin
g again. A little faster than before, halfway hoping to be grabbed again, but relieved more and more as it appeared he truly was honoring me by honoring my request.
After a minute I heard that low engine sound coming up from behind. I turned around and Ash was gone.
Amazing!
Up pulled the truck, stopping for me this time, and then I was on my way.
“How many more stops do you have, Doug?” I asked as I put on my seatbelt.
I had seen his UPS identification on the dash.
“Just a few. Is everything all right? You can hide out in the back if you want,” he suggested, no doubt in response to the delay we’d experienced on his first approach.
“It’s fine. That was somebody I met when we were hiking this week. He just happened to see me and wanted to say hello.”
I tried to be cool about it, instead of flipped out. I don’t think I succeeded, but he was polite anyway and didn’t press it.
“Do you have another hat? I could pretend to be a ride-with, like a new hire or something,” I asked after a moment of silent appraisal on his part while we waited at a traffic light.
He smiled big as he took in my change of apparel.
“You’ve really thought this through.”
He reached into a compartment in the dash and pulled out hat and a clipboard, all without looking.
“Now you’re official,” he pronounced.
It felt that way.
We made six more stops. They were quick and took us further away from Banff until we were finished and on our way back to Calgary. After a number of miles had rolled by in companionable silence heading east on the Trans Canada Highway, he asked, “So what kind of idiot is this boyfriend of yours, chasing a girl like you away?”
It was a logical question, but it stung me anyway. I’d been working hard to think about what was ahead, and not what was behind me now.
“Oh, he’s very smart—just a little too controlling. I know he loves me, but I also know that I can’t live in chains…even if they’re gold. He’s got some pretty heavy connections so I had to find a way to travel off the grid. Thank you, I really appreciate this.”
I was staring out the windshield while I spoke, imagining Gray and Dan and everyone else scrambling in a panic over me…right now. And imagining Ash pretending to do that. It nearly derailed me, but I was thankful he’d caught me the way he did. Telling him not to doubt me would have been less convincing by some electronic mode of communication, especially with the separation I was planning for us. I wondered about the fallout, though. I hoped no one would get fired. Probably they wouldn’t. Gray would need them to track me down, once they realized I didn’t end up in Louisville, and that my folks didn’t actually know my whereabouts either. It would be a very bad time to recruit a new team, especially one that didn’t know me at all.
“This is the best thing that’s happened to me since I started. Maybe I’ll get a promotion for good deeds done on the job,” Doug said, breaking through my reverie.
He was kidding but Hoyt could probably pull some strings…
“You might,” I agreed. “Listen, when they will find you they’ll make it sound like something terrible will happen if you don’t spill. But you have to pretend like this never happened—zero residual presence. Okay?”
“I’ll disavow all knowledge of you, your boyfriend and your chains.”
He was a Mission Impossible fan as well. I laughed at his joke.
“If you can’t do that, then just tell them the truth; that I pulled some strings with my dad and you helped me out. I was upset and I wanted to go home. You might as well just start with that. It’s the truth. It’ll go over better, and that way they might not kill you.”
I let that hang out there just to make it exciting for him, and to incent him to take the honest route from the get go.
From the time I set foot in the truck to the moment we pulled into base, a period of about two and half hours had elapsed. There was a chance that the security team would already be on hand to collect me, but I decided not to stress over what I couldn’t control. The timing would be close, but I had enough of a head start to make it to Calgary before they did…I hoped.
During quiet time on the highway, where I pretended to be catching up on some rest, I tried to think through my reasons for running away like this. I had no gift for strategy. This was me taking Elsie’s advice.
I was not just skipping out on Gray, but also Monica and Ash; but for very different reasons in each case.
Poor Gray. I knew he loved me very much, or at least he thought he did. But he’d cut himself out of contention when he decided we were engaged without a solid yes from me. The handcuff remark was my wakeup call, but the ax fell that day we met with Elsie in the hotel room, discussing sleeping arrangements.
He’d asked for forgiveness on that, which I had granted, but it didn’t change how things had always been between us. He was in total control, and when I didn’t like a decision he would tease, or distract, or romance me into submission, instead of just asking me first, or listening to my opinions, or accepting no for an answer, even once. I couldn’t be happy in that kind of relationship—I doubted anyone could be. He had been sexy and sweet and solicitous, but he simply wasn’t my soul mate. I didn’t have the heart or the guts to tell him that to his face; so here I was skittering away like a rat, hoping my absence would make my point clear for me.
Then there was poor Monica. One of the reasons I could be patient and not rebellious in my relationship with my mom was that I understood where she was coming from. But more importantly, I understood that it wasn’t a permanent situation. Anticipating the freedom of my approaching adulthood had reduced the temporary irritation and resentment of over-parenting from which I occasionally suffered at her hands. She would not take this decision I’d made very well at all. Thank goodness she couldn’t send people with guns and helicopters after me too.
And poorest of all was my dear sweet soul mate, Ash. I never anticipated falling in love with someone like him, and then being so strongly tempted to forfeit a normal, self-directed rite of passage into womanhood with all the associated features and benefits of autonomy I had been so eagerly awaiting.
But I had to be realistic about my hopes, especially those I had entertained before I ever fell in love. If I willingly transferred custody of life from Monica to Ash, did I truly believe that I could escape the fallout of selling my freedom out from under myself? Especially when anticipating that freedom had kept the bitter resentment at bay? I couldn’t bear the thought of experiencing the same longing to be free and alone and unanswerable to Ash that I felt with my mother. It would poison our love someday—quite possibly sooner than later.
With my heart now anchored to the idea of love and happiness with Ash, could I find the strength and faith to fly away, taking my own helm for a private flight, and then return more confident and qualified to enter the port of marriage?
Why couldn’t we just be engaged and date and have fun together while I lived free and on my own for a while somewhere around Louisville or wherever I decided to go for school? Wouldn’t that be a workable alternative?
I had to admit that the answer was no. I already depended upon him too much. Not that such dependence was a bad thing, not at all. I knew in my heart that Ash was that captain I promised to find for myself. But we weren’t perfect people. Someday we would have problems in our relationship like everybody else. Having faith in his ability to direct my life required that I try my hand at it first. My respect for his role as captain needed the right foundation: personal experience as a captain myself. If I didn’t get the opportunity to run my own life and make my own good (or bad) decisions, when things got difficult in our marriage, I might question my decision to marry him in the first place, and that would be unacceptable.
Elsie was right. Experiencing this true freedom and self-reliance required a clean break, not permanent, but complete for its duration. I needed
space to make decisions for myself and set my own headings. If we were together, every move I made would tie back to him, and to us. I would be more like a balloon on a tether than a bird on the wing. Someday I would regret it if I settled for floating when I had the chance to fly.
Of my three victims, Ash was the one who willingly let me go. I knew I would never get that from Monica or Gray. That truth helped me assure myself that I was right—he was the one for me and I was on the correct course to be the best I could be for him.
Back at the UPS hub in Calgary I used the location manager’s office phone to call Hoyt at his desk. It was early afternoon and he’d be back from lunch by now.
“Hoyt? It’s me. Something’s happened. Everything’s fine, but I need help. I was wondering if you could help me make arrangements to hitch a ride out of Calgary.”
In vague terms I explained that some unexpected business had called the Gregorys away, but that I didn’t want to come home while I was still supposed to be on vacation and enjoying a measure of freedom. Instead of returning home I asked if he could help me get myself to where Samantha was going for part of the summer. I explained that I didn’t want to stress Mom out unnecessarily with news of another jet ride and that I’d just tell her about my change of plans and location once I arrived at my next stop. He promised to handle things confidentially and calmly agreed to make all the arrangements I asked for, as long as I promised to check in with him at regular, pre-determined intervals. Everyone should have a Hoyt in their life. I was so very glad that I did, and never more than at that moment.
Much later that evening I had dinner with an out of uniform Doug Thomas and his wife Kim at a local pizza place instead of their home because there was every chance that someone from the team, or Gray himself, might already be there with a net and tranquilizers.
Thankfully, I avoided predation, and they returned me to the UPS hub without incident, where I boarded a brown cargo plane bound for Louisville. Sitting in the jump seat (the no-frills extra passenger seat on a cargo plane), the flight crew dutifully followed directions by not engaging me…at all, as though I were just another package bound for the sorting facility. Loads out of Calgary were routed through the main hub in Kentucky. I had to go home first whether I wanted to or not.
In the very early hours of the morning I boarded another UPS plane at Louisville International that was headed for Los Angeles. Being so close, and knowing how very far away I was going next, there was a huge temptation to go home first and say proper goodbyes, holding the people who loved me just one more time. But it would ruin all my plans, and anyway, we’d already said extended goodbyes last week. That would have to be enough. It wasn’t forever, after all. It would only feel like it.
After four hours in the air and then another two on the ground refueling and switching out loads in L.A., the same big brown plane took to the sky again, carrying me to the place that was going to be my safe house for a while. I had even been accepted at a college there, though I had not been the one to apply, and it certainly wasn’t for an Earth Sciences education.
This destination held the promise of freedom to live on my own, make decisions for myself, grow up a little and really think about what was important and best for me. And do it without manipulation or guilt…and absolutely no spotlights.
After I’d checked all of those things off my to-do list, I’d have a special event to arrange. I only hoped that when that time came, the names on the guest list matched the names of the people who still loved me.