Chapter Seven
The remaining hours until the sun came up flew by as my mind replayed our few minutes together. My stomach was in knots. I’d never felt this way before. From the moment he ran out of my door, I hoped that his message was a false call, and he would suddenly reappear. As the hours ticked by, I realized that I wouldn’t see him again before my usual string of visitors arrived.
When the minute hand took the hour to five a.m., my eyes got heavier and my excitement with Max subsided, a little. Knowing one of the nurses would be in soon to check my vitals, I argued with myself on whether it would be better to just wait for the interruption before dozing off.
By twenty after five I saw Felecia’s smiling face. “Well, aren’t you up early today? Can I get you anything?”
“I wouldn’t mind some chocolate ice cream for breakfast.”
“I’ll see what I can do, but don’t hold it against me if your chocolate ice cream tastes like eggs and bacon. Now, hand me that arm.” Felicia took my blood pressure, temperature and charted down numbers from the monitors I was still hooked to. She looked at the heart monitor’s paper sheet and must have seen the spike when Max stopped by last night. “Did you have a nightmare last night?” She didn’t seem overly concerned with her question and looked as though it was more important that she jot something on my chart.
I decided it would be much less embarrassing to have her think that monsters had entered my subconscious, instead of me having a midnight visitor who made my heart want to jump out of my chest. “Yeah, pretty intense. You can see a nightmare on that thing?”
Her disinterest changed to what looked like genuine concern. “Was it the shooter? You may want to talk to someone about it. A professional can help you work through it, so it isn’t so frightening.”
I smiled, but bit my lip, desperately wanting to laugh out loud. Reliving the shooting hadn’t even occurred to me as something to be fearful of. The strangest part of the whole ordeal was the utter lack of concern that it had happened at all. Somehow, deep down, I felt as if it were meant to be, the whole event needed to happen. “I’m okay. I don’t think I need to talk to anybody. I’m sure it was a one-timer.”
She finished writing in the chart and gave me a discouraging look. “Okay, but there’s no shame in asking for help, or wanting to talk about something traumatic.” I nodded, and I was confident she believed she’d planted enough of a seed that she could merrily go on to her next patient. “All right, push the button if you need me.” Felicia darted out the door without another word.
As I thought about what she had said, it hit me that it was a little strange that I wasn’t the slightest bit upset about being shot. I should be upset. I kept thinking about the man who shot me. I wondered if he was somehow overtaken by some force of nature to rob the restaurant? As shootings go, this was not nearly as heartbreaking as others that had happened in other parts of the country. It’s in the headlines all the time: “Twelve dead and four injured in a shooting today.” Something told me that had I not taken a bullet, I would have been hit by a train, run off the road, or any number of other things, to create a substantial enough injury to warrant medical attention. At least this was my new theory regarding the forces of nature and the fact that I somehow had to meet Max under extreme circumstances.
I knew that my dream about Max and the premonition of our paths crossing would have come to fruition no matter what. I was actually a little thankful, given the possibilities, that it was just me who was shot. This shooting set a chain of events in motion. As I effortlessly remembered my entire dream with Max, I knew something huge was waiting for me in my future. With this realization, I faded back into fantasies of Max.
Alone with my thoughts, I remembered his eyes looking down at me in the ambulance: the same eyes from my dream. The dream seemed so real, like it really happened, as if I really spent all those nights interacting with my destiny, not just dreaming. I always woke up with that same feeling, knowing not to share any part of the dream with another living soul. But now I know, there was a living soul that was a part of my dream. For four years I’d had the dream so many times that I could close my eyes and conjure up the whole thing.
In a funny way, it was a rush to have new material. Replaying our few minutes together, it felt so natural and electric all at once. Did he feel the same? He had to. He had to feel the powerful connection I felt. He stepped out of my room as if nothing had happened, like it was just a run-of-the-mill, everyday encounter. It couldn’t have been. It was the most powerful thing I had ever felt. My destiny, without a doubt, Max was my destiny. As I accepted this fact, a warm glow overtook me as my mind replayed every second. I felt his eyes watching me, feeling safe that we had found each other.
His words were on a continuous tract in my mind, “Don’t get me wrong, I’m all for continuing this conversation tomorrow.” He’s coming back. I looked at the ceiling wondering when he would be off work. How soon would he walk through my door again? Most likely after seven a.m. Assuming he wanted to continue that conversation, he would be coming back through my door in an hour.
Oh crap! I didn’t even know what I looked like. I dug desperately in the drawers of the nightstand and the wheeled table, but there was no mirror. Two days and I hadn’t combed my hair or taken a shower. Two days, who was I kidding? It was going on three. I pressed the “Call Nurse” button while warding off a full blown panic attack.
Felecia came in, “Hi, Lauren, are you okay?”
“Not really, I feel kind of gross. Is there any way I can take a shower or anything?” I was pretty sure that I already knew the answer, but I waited for her response with a glimmer of hope.
“Sure, let me take care of a few things and I’ll come back and help you. I need to show you how to cover your pins before you get in the shower. We’ve got a physical therapist coming in to see you at eight. She’ll show you some exercises to keep your strength up, speed your recovery, and help you get used to your crutches.”
Felecia came back with a bag of toiletries and in painful detail showed me how to keep the wounds dry while I was in the shower. Once I was in clean clothes, freshly showered and finally out of bed, I felt like a new person. I kept watching the door, anticipating Max popping through at any minute.
“Seth’s such a sweet young man; he’ll be glad to see you out of bed.” That rock just hit my stomach again. Seth – he, too, was going to be here any minute. Of course, she thought I was looking for him.
In all my fantasies about destiny and reliving those few moments together, I’d completely forgotten about my reality. I couldn’t put it off any longer. As soon as Seth arrived, I had to tell him the truth. I was going to tell him exactly how I felt. I wasn’t going to pretend any more. I owed it to him. It was the right thing to do.
At that moment Doctor Gracie surprised me, “Hi, Lauren, I heard you were already out of bed.”
“Definitely, today’s the day, right?”
“Swelling’s down. Vitals are normal. All your tests came back clean. Felecia told me she showed you how to care for your leg. Once the physical therapist sees you, you’re clear for release.”
“Sweeeeeet! I’m so ready.” Doctor Gracie wished me a quick recovery and made his way back out the door.
The physical therapist arrived at eight on the dot. Her name was Gretchen, but I came to think of her as Ivan, Ivan the Terrible. She wheeled me from my room to a physical therapy room. The room was bright and cheerful, but within seconds of my arrival, I knew that was a façade. She was built like a brick house, and was probably one of the most intimidating women I’d ever met. She had the demeanor of a drill instructor, the strength of a bull, and the personality of a postage stamp.
I had just barely been walking on my crutches, yet she had laid out a complete regimen of strength exercises and stretches, and delivered the fabulous news that I would be workin
g with her three days a week for the next six months. Fricken Wonderful!
I began hoping Max might show up. He probably knew everyone at the hospital. Maybe he could get Ivan to loosen up a little. She brought me back to reality when she bellowed, “Maybe you haven’t had a human anatomy class. The femur’s a pretty important bone. If it doesn’t set right, all kinds of complications could arise. If you don’t keep your joints in motion, it won’t set right. If you lie around doing nothing, it won’t set right. You’ve got a very short window to help your body heal properly.”
I had never been all that athletic, so her custom workout routine would have been difficult under normal circumstances. The fact that I had a hole stitched up on my leg, a fresh bone graft, a rod running the inside of my bone, and big screws sticking through my flesh should have qualified me to ease into a workout. This was not the case with Ivan pushing me.
I had no idea where her training came from, but motivational speaking was not a possible career choice for her. “If you want to walk with a limp for the rest of your life - keep cheezing out. Don’t push yourself, no really, take it easy. Take a break. Maybe we can get some milk and cookies and turn on the TV?” Holy crap, I thought I was the queen of sarcasm, but Ivan buried me.
At a few minutes before 9:00, the routine finally got bearable. She reached over and slapped me hard on the back, “Good work, Lauren. Okay, here are exercises I want you to do throughout the day.” She handed me a stack of papers showing ten different exercises. “This is your appointment card and directions to my office.” It wasn’t a single appointment card: it was a listing of thirty-six appointments, all with her.
Pleased that our brutal hour had come to an end, I asked, “So if I do all this, how long until I’m fine?”
Gretchen looked at me, pivoted her body so that she was facing me squarely on, her movements reminding me of a robot. “If you do everything I tell you, exactly the way I tell you to do it, you’ll be as good as new in three months. Given your current muscle tone, you’ll probably be better than new in three months - but only if we do this my way. If you decide to skip appointments, don’t do your daily routines, gaff off the exercises I just gave you, you might be in decent shape in nine months. Your recovery is up to you. I’m just a tool in your toolbox.”
“So doing all this, I’ll be off the crutches in three months?”
“If you do what I tell you, give it a hundred percent, in three months your leg will be in better shape than it was three days ago.”
This was the first thing she said that I liked.
“Great, we can go out dancing just in time for graduation.” I heard Seth’s voice behind me. I was glad he was here. This would give me a chance to talk to him before Max stopped by. As I turned around to say hello, I noticed Felecia had followed him into the room. Maybe now wouldn’t be the opportune time.
Seth looked really happy, “You’ve got to be excited; you’re almost out of here. Your mom is loading all your flowers in the mini-van now. With any luck there will be enough room for you, too.”
I looked at Gretchen and she gave me a quick wave, “Felicia will do your check out and care instructions with you. You’ve already got your rehab instructions from me, you just need to sign some insurance papers and you can go home.”
Thrilled at the idea of going home, and anxious to get out of there, I grabbed the crutches setting beside me, “Felicia, lead the way!”
“Easy Lauren, you don’t get to hobble around on those until you are out of the hospital.” She helped me back into the wheel chair and began pushing me back to my room. Seth followed at first, then asked Felicia if he could drive. She smiled and handed me over to him. He drove me to my room, and he really wasn’t kidding: all the flowers that had lined every open space in the room were gone. Felicia pulled the visitor chair out and began to go over paperwork with me. I was only half listening to her instructions as I was looking to the door every few seconds to see if Max was there.
“Okay, Lauren, if you don’t have any questions on the sheet, that’s really all that I needed to cover with you. Let your mom know she needs to stop by the discharge desk before she leaves, and you should be all set.”
As she finished her sentence, I looked to the door one last time and there he was. He wasn’t in his uniform. He was in blue jeans, a t-shirt that flattered his biceps and chest, wearing a smile that affirmed he was as happy to see me as I was him. I was thrilled. I had been so worried that he would come and I would already be gone. Without even thinking of Seth standing right behind me, I nearly squealed, “Hi, Max!”
Max’s smile grew, and as hard as it was to imagine, he was even sexier in the daylight. I had noticed his perfect smile, amazing eyes and bulky frame before, but his street clothes made him look like one of those really buff guys Rachael and I would drool over coming out of the gym. He walked to me, and I could tell he was freshly showered, smelling of expensive cologne, and as improbable as it seems, looking more handsome than I remembered. Max reached out for my hand and held it awkwardly, “I hear you’re busting out of this place.”
“Can you believe it? I’m so excited to get home. Don’t get me wrong, I could get used to pressing a button and having someone run through the door to get me a glass of water, but I’m definitely ready.”
“Who’s your friend, Lauren?” Seth was behind me with his hands on the wheelchair’s handlebars. I was nearly oblivious to the fact that he was even in the room when Max walked in. I released Max’s hand as if I were a child just caught raiding the cookie jar.
“Oh, that’s right, you haven’t met. Seth, this is the man who saved my life. Max, this is a friend of mine, Seth.” I couldn’t see Seth’s face, but he had to have noticed my reaction to Max. He would have had to be blind, deaf and dumb to not.
Seth used his charming voice, “Hi, Max. Well, it’s really a pleasure to meet you.” He took Max’s hand in what looked like genuine admiration, “I don’t know how to thank you. Lauren is the most important person in my life. These last few days have been a roller coaster, but I’m thrilled that you made these last few days, and the next fifty years with Lauren, possible. You have our deepest appreciation.” Seth was clearly trying to correct the introduction where I only called him my “friend.” Seth switched his attention from Max to me, “Lauren, I think we’d better head down to the car. Molly’s waiting.”
Max stammered, “Sure, ah…I was just doing my job.” There was an uneasy silence where no one spoke. Max was the first to recover, “Well, I’m glad you’re heading home; I guess I’ll see you around.” Max’s voice was discouraged.
“Max, thanks for everything. Don’t be a stranger, okay?” was all I could manage to get out. I reached back to him and awkwardly squeezed his hand. I would call Max in a couple hours and apologize profusely, but for now, I just needed to find the nearest exit.
Seth began pushing me toward the door while Max just stepped out of the way. We were down the hall, around the corner and waiting for the elevator before I said anything to Seth. Completely frustrated with the way our latest encounter had played out, “Well, thanks for letting me say goodbye.”
Seth was still behind me, so I couldn’t see his face, but he replied, “It’s not like you two are going to be life-long pals. He was just being nice, wishing you well.” The elevator opened and he drove me in, turning me around once we were inside. I saw the elevator door beginning to close, and there was Max, slowly walking toward the elevator with his head down, not even noticing that we were right there. Seth’s hand reached over and pushed the “door close” button.
When the elevator opened, an orderly took over the wheel chair for Seth. Mom was waiting by the front door when we came out. “Seth, do you mind driving Lauren home? The van is so full, I don’t think she will fit in mine.”
“Sure, Molly. Lauren has to stop by the business office to sign some papers; we’ll be right
behind you.” I was thankful for this immediate opportunity to talk to Seth alone. I’d be able to tell him exactly how I felt. I was sure he’d be hurt, but at least I didn’t have to do it at my house, in front of my mom.
Seth brought his car around to the entrance from the parking garage. The orderly wheeled me to the passenger door, then Seth gently lifted me into the passenger seat. “Let me move the seat back so you have a little more room.” He reached down to the floor in front of my seat and pulled the lever to reposition the seat farther back. After the seat was as far back as it would go, he pivoted his body so his face was directly in front of mine. Seth moved his hand to my right knee, and leaned in to kiss me.
I turned my head just enough so that his lips made contact with my cheek. The surprise on his face was evident, and I smiled saying, “Sorry, morning breath.”
Seth smiled back, “I don’t mind.”
Not wanting to start the conversation right there in the parking garage, “Well, I do, let’s get going.”
Seth closed my door and put my wheelchair and crutches in the trunk. He got in the driver’s side and backed out. As soon as we were out of the parking garage, I realized this was the most opportune time to tell him.
I took a deep breath, “Seth, you really are my best friend.” I patted his right arm trying to be reassuring. He looked my way, and I could see he had no idea what was coming. Knowing what had to be done, and how devastated he’d be, I tried to think of the easiest way to tell him.
If it were me, I would want to know directly. I wouldn’t want him to beat around the bush about it. If I tried to soften the blow, he might get the wrong idea, and think that there was still a chance for us. I settled on the direct approach, “I don’t want to be your girlfriend, and I think it would be best if we dated other people.”
Seth didn’t respond. He didn’t look at me, as if my words didn’t even register. I continued, “You deserve someone who loves you back - the way I know you want me to love you. I know that I won’t feel that way about you. You need to find the right person for you. I’m not her.”
A long silence followed before he finally spoke, “So, you’re breaking up with me, is that it?”
“Yes.”
“I’m not mad about you telling me to leave last night.” Of course, he would think this had something to do with me tossing him out of my room.
“Good, but I had a lot of time to think, and I know I’m not the right person for you.”
“You’re just under a lot of stress. You’ll feel differently in a few days.” He still didn’t look at me, and I was sure from his expression that he really didn’t believe me.
“Seth, I’m not saying this because I’m stressed out. I’m saying this because it’s the truth, and it’s not fair to keep pretending that one day I’ll wake up and feel differently. We graduate in a few months. I think you should enjoy your last few months of college, not hovering around me like an old mother hen.”
While I was talking, his expression was tense, then it eased and relief spread across his face. “Oh, I get it. You’re worried that if I take care of you while you’re laid up, that I’ll miss out on some rite-of-passage? There’s no one, anywhere on earth, that I would want to spend time with more than you.”
“No, Seth, really, I think you should get out and date. Meet new people.”
“Where is this coming from? Is this because of last night? Lauren, I’m going to take care of you, not because I feel sorry for you, but because I love you. I don’t want to talk about this anymore.” He reached for the volume on the stereo and turned it up in an effort to dissuade me from saying anything else.
Frustrated at his complete disbelief and utter disregard for my wishes, I reached for the volume and turned the stereo back down. This couldn’t wait one more minute. “Seth, you need to decide right now if you want to continue being my friend. You are not my boyfriend as of right now, and if being my friend isn’t enough, then we are nothing to one another, do you understand?” My words sounded harsh, but I didn’t want for there to be any confusion.
His obliviousness seemed to subside as I watched him, and saw that my words were sinking in. “Of course, I’m your friend. I don’t know what’s gotten into you, but I have half a mind to…to…” Seth trailed off, anger edging into his voice. He seemed unable to continue.
Realizing for the first time how volatile this had the potential to be, I eased my annoyance with him down an octave and replied quietly, “I think it would be better if you just drop me at my house, and maybe we take a break from each other for a few days.”
Seth didn’t respond. We drove in silence as I looked out the window, willing the pavement to move faster. I could see we were nearly to our houses and was relieved that this was almost over. A few final minutes passed before Seth pulled into his driveway. He got out, opened the trunk, and retrieved my wheelchair and crutches. I opened my door, and there was Seth standing with the wheelchair.
“Here, let me help you.” Seth eased me into the wheelchair and wheeled me to the front door. We got to the bottom step, and he asked politely, “Do you want to give the crutches a try?”
“Sure.” I took the crutches and made my way awkwardly up the steps. Seth followed a few feet behind me, to make sure I didn’t crash. As he stood a few feet inside my house, I could tell he wanted to help me.
“I’m going upstairs. I’ll be fine, Seth. Thanks for all your help. I really think it would be best if we don’t see each other for a while.”
“Whatever you want, take your time. Give me a call when you want to see me again. I’ll be patient. Like I told you - I love you enough for both of us. When the realization hits you that you’ve made a huge mistake, call me. I promise not to hold any grudges.” Seth made an effort to kiss my mouth, but I turned my head again, so he kissed my cheek and gave my shoulders a gentle squeeze. Then his phrase that I have become so accustomed to was whispered one final time in my ear, “I miss you already.”
Had last night not happened, had I not been so completely convinced that I had found the one person in the world I was truly destined for, my exchange with Seth would have likely brought me to tears.
But last night did happen. I know Max and I were brought together by something so much more powerful than a simple accident. I felt terrible for hurting Seth. I knew this was something I should have done years ago; Seth deserved someone who could love him equally. It was selfish of me to keep leading him on. One day he would appreciate that I was finally honest with him.
That day was not today.