There are still a couple of wagons left, the others driven off by whatever merchants survived the earlier melee. The bodies of the less fortunate merchants and guards lie haphazardly around the clearing.
In an hour I’ve got one wagon hitched, cleared of all the worthless crap and loaded with Amber, Muel and a selection of the merchant’s abandoned provisions I can resell at the Bottom Up. Getting Amber and Muel onto the wagon was taxing. They both out-mass me, Muel by a whole bunch. But friendship, determination and some impromptu pulleys do wonders.
“Ge-yet!” The horse takes a few steps forward, pulls at the harness and away we go. I make a quick check that the two of them are securely set in the wagon’s bed and then focus on the path back. They are out of the frying pan, but the two of them still need significant help before they are out of the fire.
Chapter 27
It’s absolutely not fair and something has to be said about that. “It’s absolutely not fair, you know.”
“What isn’t fair?”
“That you have completely seduced my cat, thoroughly corrupted him.” Gloom looks at me from the foot of Amber’s bed, does that cat squinty thing at me, and then rolls onto his side, snuggling up against her well-bandaged ankle. Apparently I’m no threat unless I actually approach the bed. “See what I mean — look! Gloom! Kill!” I point directly at Amber. “Kill! Sic ’em! Attack!”
My antics are completely ignored by Gloom, who now wiggles further up the bed, hoping to find Amber’s hand and maybe get some extra chin scratches.
She gives me a coy smile. “It’s the mice.”
“There are no mice in the Bottom Up. Not only has Gloom decimated the entire mouse population in several city blocks, but the staff is extra vigilant. No mice, no vermin, no bedbugs, no lice. This is an absolutely clean establishment.”
“Really?” Amber sits up in bed a bit, propped up on one elbow. She leans forward and whispers a few words into her free hand. With a slight mirage of the air, a small white and brown mouse appears in her palm, gets one look at Gloom, leaps from her hand to the bed, drops to the floor and scrambles out the door.
Somewhere in his cat mind, I’m pretty sure that Gloom counts to five. Then he launches himself from the bed, under my legs, through the door and down the hallway. The mouse doesn’t have a chance.
“Bribery! You’ve been bribing my cat and making him fat! Arrrrrrrgh! That’s really not fair,” I scream, turning and performing my own dramatic exit from the room.
Amber watches and waits a moment, squirms back under the covers, pulls up the sheets and instantly falls back into a light, gentle snore.
Chapter 28
It’s hard to remain angry for more than a few steps, and by the time I hit the bottom of the stairs and stand in the Bottom Up’s common room, I’m back to myself. Plus, if Amber is back to the point where she can summon, that’s a good sign. It was touch-and-go for her and Muel the first few days, but both seem to be recovering.
Speaking of Muel, I head over to the tree while filching a chicken leg off of the plate of a regular patron.
“I was pretty sure that Mavis banned you from leaving your room till completely recovered. She’ll spike your food, you know. You’ll be asleep for weeks come tomorrow.”
“I’ve already been asleep for a week! I need to get some exercise. I’m going crazy in that room.” Muel adjusts a bit, gets a hand under one of the bandages and starts vigorously scratching. His bruises and minor cuts are healing just fine, but the deep set of wounds the guards inflicted upon his insides are not recovering so well. As he scratches, I can see the bandages wet with red again as he reopens a wound.
Somewhere behind me one of the patrons seems unhappy. “Hey, who took my chicken?”
“Well, it’s your life to risk in Mavis’ wrath. Speaking of which, I brought you some food. It’s blacken-cajun. Tasty, if I remember.”
“Nice, appreciate it.” The chicken disappears into Muel’s gullet so fast I doubt it ever existed. “But what’s the next step, boss? You’re not planning to let Tavos go unpunished for trying to kill you.” If he’s not careful while licking his fingers clean, he’ll come up one short.
“Well, no. All good turns deserve a shiv in the sternum and Tavos’ sternum should get two. Maybe three if there’s time. It’s just a matter of how.” I’m kind of distracted by a person named Buttons accusing a person named Mutt of stealing his chicken. “The real answer would be to close down the guild permanently. Tavos is short his best after purging his most ambitious staff, so it should be something that can be done. I would have difficulty doing it alone.”
“You’re not alone. You’ve got me.”
“You, Mr. Muel, are officially on the injured roster. Nothing but off-season scrimmage for you.” I will never need a puppy if he keeps giving me that face. “Seriously, Mavis might be a henpeck, but she’s genuinely worried about you and I would take her directions to recovery seriously. Nothing outside of light physical duty.” I didn’t realize that sad puppy eyes could get sadder.
“If you say so, boss.”
“I say so. Anyways, there’s not much heavy lifting in the next part anyways. I think it’s off to pay my taxes.”
“You, pay taxes? Are you ill? Did you get hit by the troll at some point? Mavis really needs to check you out.” I couldn’t quite hear his last words due to a very loud argument by several patrons over the concept of which came first, the chicken or the guy who stole it.
“Well, it’s been awhile since I voluntarily paid or, well, anybody ever voluntarily paid in this town, so that should get someone’s attention in the governor’s office. Plus, as it’s been pointed out to me today, bribery works wonders. I just want to make sure that if I need to bribe my way to the governor, the bribe actually goes into the city coffers.”
“I thought the governor didn’t like you.”
“What! Everybody loves me. You love me, Mavis loves me and the governor just doesn’t realize that he loves me.”
That gets a whole new look from Muel. “Yup. Whatever you say. You know, for being as tiny as you are, there are certain parts of your body that are giant in size.”
“Thanks for noticing! But please, if you’re going to speak so highly of me, make sure women are around to hear you!” A mug goes flying over my head. “Now, I did say light lifting duties were all that you’re allowed, am I right?”
“Uhhh, yes.”
“So, breaking up a barroom brawl,” I can hear tables overturning behind me, “could be considered light work — I mean, as long as you promise to take careful measure not to do anything that would strain yourself.”
His face lights up completely. “Cross my heart. Totally light duty alone and nothing else. Sweeping, picking up broken dishes, that sort of thing.” From the large crash, I think one of the chandeliers just came down.
“Then I name you fit for duty, limited to light tasks only.”
I’m not sure which disappeared faster, the chicken dinner or Muel into the melee. It’s going to set him back a few days of healing, to bounce people from the tavern, but sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do. To help out, I lift another chicken and point out to the patron that it’s likely the culprit is already in the brawl. By the time I hit the door, the whole place has erupted. It’s a good day.
Chapter 29
It’s entirely like watching a three-ring circus made up exclusively of clowns and one really ticked off ringmaster. I find it absolutely hysterical.
“In full.”
“Yes, your Governor. In full.” There’s a nervous tick making its way across the chamberlain’s face. “As a matter of fact, when Mr. Lightbottom showed up a couple hours ago I took the liberty to dispatch the city guard to his establishment and retrieve his bookkeeper.”
“A man by the name of Horace, if I remember correctly.”
“And that you do, Governor. As always, your memory puts to shame all others. A blinding light of intellect in an otherwise dark world. A paragon of ?
?? “
“Mr. Crevase.”
“Yes, Governor?”
“You are avoiding the question.”
“Oh, yes. It seems that I am. The city guards, along with the your very own and most trustworthy bookkeepers, have been questioning him for the last while. He has been, can we say, extremely motivated, and yet he confirms that the books are correct.”
Ouch. I might need to bonus Horace something for this. I didn’t think they would question him so thoroughly on my tax payment plan.
“I see. Is there anything else that I need to know about this?”
“No sir, although it may be the first time in city record that a completely voluntary payment has been made. In advance.”
“I understand that, Mr. Crevase. You are dismissed.”
A scurry of footsteps and the closing of a door leaves the two of us alone. It’s a long few seconds before Lord Governor Petapeterich looks over to me, glancing up from a summary of my income.
“I always imagined that the life of a noteworthy adventurer accompanied with the income of a popular bar would amount to more revenue. The lack of reward for such significant work, energy and — importantly — danger to your life hardly seems to make your efforts worthwhile. So little revenue, so much risk.” It wouldn’t be an understatement to say that the governor’s gaze is cold enough to tame an erupting volcano. A very short shiver of concern crosses my mind that this plan isn’t necessarily sane or supportive of a long and healthy life. But, like he said, “so much risk.”
“Well, you know, there’s the cost of new benches every few days, staffing costs, food is up since this summer’s unusually dry weather, I’m importing more wine, and I have to stock better beers because my clientele seems to have lost its desire for swill. And on the adventuring side, do you know how much it costs to get a properly fitted leather tunic that both protects and breathes? It’s almost impossible in this city. I’m tempted to order in better materials.”
“Mr. Lightbottom, do I look like a man who doesn’t know what a proper fitting costs?”
“Uh, no.”
“Then please, let’s move forward and skip the pleasantries. It’s not every day that I get the honor of meeting such an honest, upstanding, tax-paying citizen. What is it you want? And be to the point, Mr. Lightbottom.”
“This city runs because you have built one of the finest intelligence networks that exist. I dare say that, without your network, there would actually be a rival to your seat, maybe even in it. But as it is, well, they all seem to die of natural occurrences before they’re any political threat.”
“Mostly. There are a few that seem to die from very non-natural events.”
“Anyways, it’s one of the finest, but not the finest. That’s always been held by the rogues guild. I happen to know two things here.” I add a slight pause, hoping to get rewarded with an actual inquisitive look, but that frozen stare is all I receive. “First, the guild is currently undergoing a major cleaning. Tavos is taking a chapter from your book and eliminating any competition to his throne.”
“That is not news. That I know already.”
“Yes, but not point two. I can supply you with an accurate, up-to-date map of the warrens and the safety precautions that have been put up. It would include all the entries and exits, including the one into the city storehouses.”
“Now I’m listening.”
“I can get your men into the warrens safely, then you could go in and round everybody up. With the chaos currently going on, that likely would deliver the killing blow to the organization. Who knows, you could even get some back taxes out of all this.”
“And you?”
“What about me? I just want to tend bar and hunt gold.”
Petapeterich shuffles through a pile of papers on his desk. “This report confirms most of what you say and that you have the skills and knowledge to succeed at what you propose. It also goes on to identify the most likely replacements for the guild if a power vacuum occurs, having broken its back. I find the report prescient given that you’re sitting across from me, offering a method to cripple the guild. It predicts that the leadership of the organization that arises from the ashes of the rogues guild would be led by you, Mr. Lightbottom. You have a history with the guild, you are amply connected, you have loyal staff and would likely find it, say, much more lucrative, especially given your limited success in generating taxable revenue.”
“Ahhh, well, there is that.”
“Now, I’m pretty sure that you assuming leadership of the guild wouldn’t be in my best interest. Indeed, I think I would rather have you dead. Speaking of which, I’ve been a terrible host. Can I offer you something to drink, something with a very heavy and thick taste?” There is almost a twinkle in his eye. This might be the closest I’ve ever seen him come to having a laugh.
“I’m totally good. Don’t need anything. Just had some beer, actually.”
“If you say so.” He pushes the decanter that he was offering off to the side and draws a cup from a different bottle. “Your loss.”
“I’m sure it is. What do you say — do we have a deal?”
“I’m unclear on the deal. On your side you promise to cross the organization you once ran in and I’ve offered to kill you if you fill the power void. Honestly, that seems a little shortsighted of you. What else do you want?”
“Well, now that you ask . . .”
I leave not long after that. I don’t get everything that I ask for, but I do get enough.
Chapter 30
I’m right behind him when I say, “Hello, Squints.”
It’s a nice try he makes, spinning faster than I remember him having the reflexes for, but I still take him out at the legs and he tumbles over me into a large display rack of imported linens and weaves. In a loud clatter, the rack collapses and he’s buried under an avalanche of cloth bolts.
“Ohhh, now don’t get that one dirty.” There’s a fine royal blue with herringbone cross-stitch right on top. “It’s one I can actually see myself wearing. A nice shirt with cuffs. What say you, Tambor — can you tailor me a shirt in that?”
I look around, but the merchant Squints was shaking down for protection money hightailed it out of there the moment I made my presence known. Good idea, actually. “So then, I was wondering if you could help me out.”
“Shove it, Pinty. I ain’t not helping you never.” A head and then chest emerge from the pile.
“Wait, that’s a double negative with a negative or, um, seriously, you need to speak properly. One day someone is going to get confused trying to figure if you’re helping or not and will opt to just cut your throat for expediency.”
“I. Ain’t. Not. Helping. You. Never.”
“Because that made it all the clearer. Maybe if you say it louder at the same time it’ll be easier to follow. No, don’t stand up on my behalf.” I sweep his arms from under him as he tries to lift himself from the pile and he goes back down.
“What do you want?”
“A new shirt, but the tailor’s been scared away. How much were you hitting him up for, anyways?”
“Six silvers this week.”
“Then he lied to me as well! He said it was only five. Probably hoping I was muscling in on your territory and wishing I underbid the established hierarchy.”
“So you’re not cutting in on our turf?”
“Nope. Don’t actually want in on the game at all. For all I care you can go on your merry old way and come back later for your six silvers.” I give him a wink and a thumbs up.
“Then what do you want?”
“The head of the medusa. I want the head of Tavos.”
“I can’t do that.”
“Loyalty? In you?”
“No, you idiot. He’s faster, quicker and better in a fight than I am. I try for his head and you’ll have mine instead.”
“That might be okay. Not as good, but okay.” He gives me a stare. “Fine, nevermind, pretend I didn’t say that. I just want maps. M
aps of everything: the warrens under the city, his defenses, anything new he’s devised. I just want your help getting in. No use getting killed before I can even try to take his head.”
“That’s it?”
“That’s it.”
“So what do I get out of it?” Crap, he’s actually starting to realize that I’m not just going to kill him.
“Your life.”
“I’m not sure you’re taking that anyways.”
“Then, a good alibi and a chance at Amber again.” That got his attention. “Yeah, she’s alive. And I’ll tell her that you did good.”
“She won’t believe that coming from you.”
“Well, I’ll tell her that you folded like a weak hand, played right into my plan and then slinked away. But otherwise were cooperative in the whole process.”
Squints always was hot for Amber. “That might work.”
Self-delusion is a powerful tool. “Oh yeah, sure it will. So, you agree to drawing out some maps?”
“Yeah. I agree.”
“Good. Now here’s your alibi . . .” And I hit him in the face, right above his eye, with the butt of my knife. I can hear the bone crack loudly from the blow.
Chapter 31
Amber is as gorgeous as always. I sit patiently till she finishes with the documents in front of her. It’s never going to happen, that’s old history, but she still holds some of — who am I lying to, a lot of — my heart strings. “So it’s good? He’s given us what we need?”
Amber glances back over the maps the cartographer drew from the descriptions and layouts Squints provided. “They’re good and they mostly match what I remember of the warrens before my kidnapping so, yes, we can use them. There are some changes here, here and here, but they make sense if Tavos is beefing up defenses. If we omit this exit from the copies we provide the governor, then we can expect Tavos to use that one when the city guards flush the guild. We’ll leave him one exit. And you can be waiting.”
“I won’t be waiting. I’m going down there ahead and taking him out. I want to be there when Pets,” I deliberately shorten the Lord Governor to his not-to-his-face nickname, “leads his men in to capture Tavos. Pets knows they’re weak so he’ll want to be there himself when they break the guild’s back. The only threat to the Pets once he has the maps will be Tavos, not the warrens.”