I tore off my protective helmet and shook my hair out, letting it fall over my shoulders, as if the shaking and flinging could actually stir up a wind by magic.
And I saw the very ends of the hair settle against my arms--then, ever so faintly . . . move, as if the breath of a baby blew against the strands. Barely perceptible. Then again.
I thank you, Isis! I cried in my mind, giving thanks in advance, to show my good faith. But there must be more than this.
"I thank you, Isis, for the wind you send!" I cried aloud, startling the senators, who perceived nothing. There, I had committed myself, and Isis rewarded my declaration.
The wind roused itself and started to give gentle puffs. Tiny ripples rose on the water, like fingers pushing against a fabric, and grew bigger. A shout rose from the men.
"Now fall to it!" cried the captain.
Ahead of us the oars flashed, moving the line of Antony's ships out into open water. Our left wing, under Sosius, being the closest inshore to Leucas and farthest south, needing most to get out to sea, moved first and fastest. Agrippa's forces backed water, retreating farther out, and the two lines of ships advanced, always keeping a mile or so apart.
Not enough wind yet, nor had it swung around to the best direction for us. There would have to be more waiting. The rowers slowed, but continued moving the ships out. Our own squadron, far to the rear, now passed out of the gulf, past the hateful promontory of Actium, which I cast off like a bad dream. All these months spent there, in misery--let me never behold it again! Just beyond the two points were sandy shallows that we had to steer around.
In my last backward glance, I saw the huge armies on both sides, passive onlookers to the action. They were drawn up and waiting, but did nothing. Then we were out of sight.
Farther and farther out the ships ventured, and all the while the breeze was increasing, turning into a wind. At first it had blown from the southwest, but then it began to shift, as it always did, turning in a circle and originating from the northwest--what we needed to fill our sails and carry us south.
I breathed it in. This wind, blowing from the direction of Rome, should be foul and deceitful, like everything else from there. Instead it was clean and strong, our salvation. Perhaps Caesar, the one good thing from Rome, was embodied in it. Perhaps it blew from his tomb to help his living heirs, his son.
How far was Agrippa going to allow us to advance.7 The farther, the better. Could he possibly have no idea of our plan7 That would seem too good to be believed.
And it was. Finally he stopped backing up and his ships held their line, halting our progress. He refused to cooperate. Battle must be joined.
A hail of missiles--stones, spears, and fire--were launched on one another, a deadly arc between the two lines. Then the air was blackened by the rush of arrows and lead pellets shot from the slingers and archers in the towers guarding the larger warships; noise rose, and the ships began to fall on one another.
Agrippa, determined to keep us from breaking through, doubled his lines, and set his numerous smaller ships to harry us, surrounding the Antonian warships like so many besieged castles. Agrippa's little ships would dart in, trying to ram a hole in a big ship and escape before the besieged could dump stones and hurl javelins down on them. They attacked the lower parts of the ships, crushing the oars, shattering their blades, snapping off the rudders, while trying to clamber on board. On our side, we pushed them off with boathooks, cut them down with stones, and crushed them with heavy missiles.
The fighting turned into confusion, ship against ship, sometimes two or three smaller ships tearing at the larger ones, like dogs in a pack attacking elephants. The first ship sank: one of ours, a smaller one. Then screams reached my ears from across' the water as one entire shipload of Octavian's was sunk by a well-aimed catapult stone, all hands aboard. Then all the fighting, all the screams, blended together and became indistinguishable. Ours or theirs? In death agonies, everyone has the same voice.
The lines were dissolving into a melee. I could no longer even see Antony's flagship, it was so engulfed by the swirling fight. Smoke was rising. Some ships were afire, and now grapnels and boarding-bridges were put into play, the armed soldiers swarming onto enemy decks, swords drawn.
The waters were churned by more than the rising wind, they were whipped up by falling timbers and flailing men; the salt spray that blew into my face was blood-tinged, flecked with red foam.
The groans of the disintegrating ships as their timbers tore apart were so mixed with human screams that they made one long animal howl, punctuated by the thuds as ships were rammed or collided. I could see tiny figures turning, rolling, falling from decks into the water, hitting oars and breaking them off with a sharp crack.
The rising wind created whitecaps that flashed red with blood and the reflection of flames from burning ships, rising from stricken decks like flapping curtains. Burning oil from the fire-missiles spilled off the decks and into the sea, spreading out into a carpet of flames. Smoke, harsh and black, billowed from the thick of the fighting, obscuring the ships themselves.
Then I saw a gap appear in the center. The left and right wings had succeeded in pulling the fabric open so we could sail through the rent, if we moved quickly. And we were far out enough to do it; we could catch the wind properly.
"Sails! Hoist the sails!" the captain commanded, and the purple linen sails were unfurled and spread. Like a fist hitting a palm, the wind smacked them, stretching them taut. On all sides, at the sight of the royal sails aloft, the rest of the squadron followed suit. The oarsmen kept at their task, and the power of wind and oar together made us fly through the center, past the grisly sight of hundreds of floating men--the dead ones bobbing, the live ones screaming and waving--and out into, the open sea. Huge spars from ripped ships spun and turned on the water like spokes.
The sails creaked as the wind strained them, and the acrid smoke made me choke as we passed through the clouds of it, where I could see nothing, could not discern Antony's ship. On all sides, like falling stars, the fiery missiles continued to rain down, and one or two landed on our deck, where they were quickly smothered by wet hides.
Then we were out in the open sea, the ship flying southward, the mountains of Leucas off to our left. Good-bye to Actium--I could see the last of it far over my shoulder. In our wake the other ships were following, as our purple sails had signaled them to do. The fighting was still fierce along the engaged lines, and I prayed they would not close up before the last of our squadron had sailed through. Plumes of smoke rose in columns, marking the line of conflict.
Now, if only the rest of the force could disengage and follow!
We flew down the coast, past Leucas, past the open channel (now guarded by Agrippa's forces) of Cephallenia, past all the places now lost to us, but rejoicing in our freedom nonetheless. The wind rose higher, and behind us the sky was now as black as the smoke; a squall was coming.
Welcome! The harder the winds blew, the better for us, speeding us on our way.
Oh, let the others follow! Let the others break away! It was a desperate plea, for I had seen how closely grappled all the ships were.
Far, far to our rear I thought I saw some warships; they must have come from the extreme left wing under Sosius, which I thought had evaded the general fighting. And behind them, what?
I clung to the rail, bouncing with each slap as the ship hit the troughs between waves. The wind was tearing at my cloak, but I felt that if I just stayed there, staring, I could will Antony's ship to appear.
Eventually I did see a quinquereme approaching, its lightness and speed catching it up to us. It gained steadily. But I did not recognize it. Could it be the enemy's?
It drew alongside us, and then I saw him: I saw Antony standing on the deck, smoke-begrimed, his arms bloody. But he was signaling, and seemed unhurt.
He was safe. He was here. I shouted for the men to lower a rope ladder and take him on board, and the rails were lined with our senators and so
ldiers, cheering. Antony climbed up and mounted wearily over the rail, his face strangely blank.
To the cries and welcome of the people on board, he had no response other than a halfhearted wave of the hand. I pushed my way through and embraced him. He brought up one arm and held me to him. The other hung limp at his side.
"My eternal thanks to all the gods," I whispered in his ear. "We are safe."
Still he did not respond, as if he were stunned. "Not all," he said. "Not all."
"How many followed you? And"--I suddenly thought of this--"where is your flagship?"
"I could not break free, so I had to abandon it. The plan has gone awry. We were so closely grappled and surrounded that most of the ships could not follow. The entire center and left wing were held in place. Only the right wing--where, ironically, Agrippa faced us--had any ships able to escape. They are following. I am not sure how many."
All around us people were pressing, waiting for him to address them.
"Antony, you must speak to them," I urged him, as I had once before.
But his self-command had deserted him. He shook his head, taking off his helmet and holding it like an empty bucket. "No. I cannot," he mumbled, and bolted away to the prow of the ship.
I made excuses for him, but now I had to speak in his stead and invent something.
Fast Liburnians appeared, giving chase. Agrippa had sent them after us, and Antony, seeing them, seemed to rally and commanded his other ships--for some had now followed and caught up with us--to turn and face the galleys. One was manned by Eurycles of Sparta, who bore a vicious personal grudge against Antony. They challenged each other to fight, then Eurycles turned and managed to ram and capture a sizable ship of Antony's, as well as one of mine, which unfortunately was carrying some valuable royal stores. Satisfied, he turned back and we sailed on.
For the few moments of the fight, Antony seemed charged with high spirits, but as soon as it was over, he fell back into silence and stood watching the setting sun, refusing to move even after darkness fell.
"It doesn't matter about the stores," I assured him. My words were snatched up by the wind.
He turned his head to me. "Do you think that is my concern?" he asked. "I thought I was prepared to lose ships in the escape. But actually seeing it . . . that proved quite different. I feel wounded, although I am not." He paused. "I fear I can lead no more."
What nonsense was this? He had expected to lose ships.
"But we have managed to escape with our treasure, ourselves, and a third of our ships," I told him. "Will not Octavian curse when he realizes it? Think of what you have snatched away right under his nose. You were blockaded, and you slipped away with the prize."
"My reputation . . ." His voice trailed off. "My reputation is gone. My credibility as a leader of Romans has collapsed."
"This is absurd!" I said. "You have cheated Octavian of the very prey in his nets."
"I can't expect you to understand!" he snapped. "What I mean is--it is your nature to always see victory in the face of defeat. I don't think you even know what defeat is. But is that bravery or naivete?" He turned away and disappeared in the darkness, leaving me alone at the rail.
Far to the north, a tiny glow marking the site of the battle was still visible.
Chapter 77.
The wind and sea bore us onward, past the luxuriant island of Zacynthus, where of late Sosius had had his command; the dawn showed the peaks of her mountains a tender pink.
Antony had not come to my quarters, which were close to the size of regular land rooms--a "ten" is a very large ship indeed. Where had he passed the night? I was almost afraid to find out. Then word was brought to me that he was sitting, like a statue, at the forefront of the ship. He had spent the hours of darkness there, and showed no inclination to move, nor to eat or drink anything.
"You must go to him," Charmian urged me. "Bring him back here, let him lie down and restore himself."
I knew that would not do. Antony, that most public of men, had chosen to be alone, and I must not trespass on it. But I did steal to the bow of the ship, where I saw him sitting cross-legged, his hands on his knees, his head lifted and staring out to sea. In his solitude, he looked stony and bereaved. It was all I could do not to rush over to him, bend down, beg him to let me comfort him.
There had been a serving-woman in the palace once whose son was killed by crocodiles when bathing in the Nile, and she had worn a mantle of sorrow ever after, her face so changed that even when she smiled, it was no smile. Now Antony had that look.
But he had known the probable outcome before we even embarked! He had spoken of it most logically, arguing that we would salvage what we could from a near-hopeless situation. The truth was that Actium was lost when Agrippa took Methone--four months ago.
All this was no reflection on Antony or his generalship. How could it be, when no battle was fought on land? He had suffered defeats and reversals before. Who had not, save Alexander? The important thing was not the defeat, but what he did afterward.
You've only seen him win. You don't know a man until you see him lose. He must not take this as final. There was still Canidius with his army, there was still Egypt, there was still. . .
I watched as a big wave sent cold salt spray into his face and he sat, unflinching, almost as if he were being flogged and relished it.
I could not stop myself. I ran over to him. "Antony, Antony," I said, wiping off his chilled face. "Stand up, and be a man!" My words sounded harsher than I meant. But he must, or lose everything, including himself. Especially himself.
"I can no longer be called a man," he said. "I have dishonored the name."
"What are you, then? A boy? A eunuch? Are only generals men? No, a man is anyone who bears on his shoulders whatever fate is pleased to lay there, and holds his head up all the while."
"A lot of pretty words from someone who has never tasted defeat," he said. Still he refused to get up.
"When I was exiled from my throne, that was no defeat?" I answered. How easy it is to forget the tribulations others have endured! We always think we are the only ones. "When Caesar was murdered, and his son unprovided for, and Octavian named his heir, that was no defeat? When you married Octavia, branding our children bastards, that was no defeat? The entire world mocked me."
"You never lost hundreds--no, thousands--of men, dead, dead for nothing . . . no, not nothing, dead because they trusted you, followed you, and paid everything for it, and there was no way you could ever undo it!" he yelled. "Dead, dead, all dead, at the bottom of the sea, and rotting in Parthia, and--"
"So now it's all of them rolled up into one? Parthia was five years ago, and a different war. War kills people. If you didn't want to take responsibility for that, then you shouldn't have become a soldier!" I shouted over the wind right into his ear. His face was still turned resolutely away.
"They're all dead!" he cried. "Dead, dead, lost. . ." Now he put his hands up to his face and wept.
What if someone saw him? What a disgrace!
"Hush, stop it!" I said, shaking his shoulders to jolt him out of it. He should at least wait until he was shut away in privacy. At this very instant, deckhands could see him.
But he wouldn't stop, and instead sat hunched over and weeping loudly. Like a child! "I . . . have . . . lost. . . everything . . . lost... my way. . . ." He forced the words out between sobs.
"You have lost nothing that you cannot recover," I told him stoutly.
"My reputation ... my faith ... I cannot recover. Others must grant the first, I must grant myself the second, and I ... I cannot."
"Yes, you will," I assured him. "In time--"
"No, never. It is gone forever. Lost in the water. I am unarmed--no longer a leader, a general, even a soldier."
The buoyant Antony, his quick glad spirits drained away . . . forever? Why is it that one thing will destroy us when other--and equally hard--blows do not? Perhaps we can only absorb so many, and Parthia had been his limit. My dream of
his death might have been true in a way I had not known.
"No," I said, cradling his head, for the first time afraid that he was speaking the truth. "No, you must go on. You must shoulder this; you are strong enough. Else Hercules was not truly your ancestor!" I tried to appeal to his old self; he had always prided himself on his descent from Hercules. It had carried him through many another discouraging moment.
"Hercules would disown me," he said. "Hercules would be ashamed."
The ship dipped and sent another stinging arc of sea spray onto us. It dripped off Antony's hair but did nothing to interrupt his weeping.
"He would not be ashamed of you for losing Actium, but for what you are doing afterward." Surely he could understand that?
You don't know a man until you see him lose.
"I should have died; I should have gone down with my ship. At least then my men would not feel their commander deserted them." I could barely make out his words.
"You didn't desert them," I said. "Is surviving a battle desertion? Some will walk off a battlefield and others won't. That is not the same as desertion, unless you think it's everyone's obligation to die. That would please the enemy."
Now he threw his head back and cried out mockingly, " 'And this shall be for your glory! That you can tell your sons you were with Antony at Actium.' Oh, the shame of it! The shame!"
"Antony--" He was torturing himself more cruelly than any flogger could.