They also love to predict what will happen on the next show. I’m not sure, but I think that Max’s mom and dad must have had Mrs Gosk as a third-grade teacher, because she is always asking her students to make a prediction about the book that she is reading, and it seems like making predictions is what Max’s mom and dad like to do the best. I like to make predictions, too, because then I can wait and see if I’m right. Max’s mom likes to predict that good things are going to happen even when everything looks bad. I usually predict the worst possible ending, and sometimes I’m right, especially when we watch movies.
That’s why I’m so nervous tonight about Graham. I can’t stop thinking about the worst.
Some nights I have to sit in the cozy chair because Max’s dad sits next to Max’s mom and puts his arm around her, and she squeezes in real close and they smile. I like those nights because I know they are happy, but I feel a little left out at the same time. Like I don’t belong. Sometimes on those nights I just leave, especially if they are watching a show without a story, like the one where people decide who sings the best and the winner gets a prize.
Actually, I think it’s more fun to figure out who is singing the worst.
Max’s mom and dad are quiet for a long time. She is eating and he is reading. The only sounds are the tinkles of the fork and knife on the plate. Max’s mom is never this quiet unless she wants Max’s dad to talk first. Usually she has lots and lots to say, but sometimes, when they are fighting, she likes to wait and see if Max’s dad will talk first. She’s never told me this, but I’ve watched them for so long that I just know.
I don’t know what they are fighting about tonight, so it’s almost like watching a television show. I know they are going to argue soon, but I don’t know what it will be about. It’s a mystery. I predict that it will have something to do with Max, because that’s what they argue about the most.
When she is finished with her dinner, Max’s mom finally speaks. ‘Have you thought about seeing a doctor?’
Max’s dad sighs. ‘You really think we need to?’ He doesn’t look up from his magazine, which is a bad sign.
‘It’s been ten months.’
‘I know, but ten months isn’t a long time. It’s not like we had any trouble in the past.’ Now he is looking at Max’s mom.
‘I know,’ she says. ‘But how long should we wait, then? I don’t want to wait a year or two before we talk to someone and then find out that there’s a problem. I’d rather know now, so we can do something about it.’
Max’s dad rolls his eyes. ‘I just don’t think ten months is that long to wait. It took Scott and Melanie almost two years. Remember?’
Max’s mom sighs. I can’t tell if she is sad or frustrated or something else.
‘I know,’ she says. ‘But it wouldn’t hurt to just speak to someone. Right?’
‘Yeah,’ Max’s dad says, and now he sounds angry. ‘That’d be fine if speaking to someone was all we had to do. But talking to a doctor isn’t going to help if we have a problem. They’re going to want to do tests. It’s only been ten months.’
‘But don’t you want to know?’
Max’s dad doesn’t answer. If Max’s mom was Max, she would repeat the question, but sometimes adults answer questions by not answering them at all. I think that this is what Max’s dad is doing.
When he finally speaks, he answers Max’s mom’s first question instead of her last. ‘Okay, we can go see a doctor. Will you make the appointment?’
Max’s mom nods. I thought she would be happy that Max’s dad agreed to go to the doctor, but she still looks sad. Max’s dad looks sad, too, but neither one of them looks at the other. Not once. It is like there are a hundred dining room tables between them instead of just one.
I feel sad for them, too.
If they had just watched television, this would never have happened.
CHAPTER 11
I tell Max that I’m going to check on Tommy Swinden again. He doesn’t mind because he made a poop this morning, so he won’t need me to check the bathroom until lunch. And Mrs Gosk has started the day by reading aloud to the class. Max loves it when Mrs Gosk reads aloud. He becomes so focused on her voice that he forgets everything else, so he probably won’t even know I’m gone.
I don’t go to Tommy Swinden’s class. I go to Mrs Pandolfe’s classroom. I almost don’t want to go, because I’m afraid of what I will find. Or what I won’t find.
I step into her classroom, which is much neater and more organized than Mrs Gosk’s classroom. All the desks are in perfectly straight rows and there are no sliding mountains of papers on Mrs Pandolfe’s desk. It’s almost too clean.
I look from one side of the room to the other and then back again. Graham is not here. I look in the corner behind the bookshelf and in the coatroom. She is not there.
The children are sitting in their rows, staring at Mrs Pandolfe, who is standing at the front of the classroom. She is pointing at a calendar and talking about the date and the weather. The chart paper with the list of this week’s spelling words is gone.
I see Meghan. She sits near the back of the classroom. Her hand is raised. She wants to answer Mrs Pandolfe’s question about the number of days in October.
It’s thirty-one. I know that answer.
I don’t see Graham.
I want to walk over to Meghan and ask her if she stopped believing in her imaginary friend last night.
‘Did you stop believing in the pointy-haired girl who kept you company when you didn’t know how to talk and everyone made fun of you?’
‘Did you forget about your friend when you forgot how to stutter?’
‘Did you even notice that she was fading away?’
‘Did you kill my friend?’
Meghan can’t hear me. I’m not her imaginary friend. Graham is.
Graham was.
Then I see her. She’s standing just a few steps away from Meghan, near the back of the class, but I can barely see her. I was looking right through her, straight through to the windows, and I didn’t even know it. It’s like someone painted her picture on the window a long time ago and now it’s all faded and worn. I don’t think I would have even noticed her, had she not blinked. It was the movement that I saw first. Not her.
‘I didn’t think you’d see me,’ Graham says.
I don’t know what to say.
‘It’s all right,’ Graham says. ‘I know how hard it is to see me. When I opened my eyes this morning, I couldn’t see my own hands at first. I thought I had disappeared.’
‘I didn’t know you sleep,’ I said.
‘Yeah. Of course I do. You don’t?’
‘No,’ I say.
‘Then what do you do when Max is asleep?’
‘I hang out with his parents until they go to sleep,’ I say. ‘Then I go for walks.’
I don’t tell her about my visits to the gas station on the corner and Doogies and the hospital and the police station. I have never told any imaginary friends about my visits. I feel like they are mine. My own special thing.
‘Wow,’ Graham says, and I notice for the first time that her voice is starting to fade, too. It sounds wispy and thin, like she’s talking through a door. ‘I never knew that you didn’t need to sleep. I feel bad for you.’
‘Why?’ I ask. ‘What good is sleep?’
‘When you sleep, you dream.’
‘You dream?’ I ask.
‘Of course,’ Graham says. ‘Last night I dreamed that Meghan and I were twin sisters. We were playing in the sandbox together, and my fingers could touch the sand. I could hold it in my hands and let it run though my fingers, just like Meghan does.’
‘I can’t believe you dream,’ I say.
‘I can’t believe you can’t.’
Neither one of us says anything for a minute.
There is a boy at the front of the classroom named Norman, and he is talking about his visit to a place called Old Newgate Prison. I know what a prison is, so I know that Norman is lying abo
ut his trip. Kids aren’t allowed to visit prisons. But I can’t figure out why Mrs Pandolfe isn’t making Norman tell the truth. If Mrs Gosk heard Norman telling this story, she would say, ‘Shame! Shame! Let all the boys and girls know your name!’ Then Norman would have to tell the truth.
Norman has a rock in his hand, and he says it came from the prison. He says it came from a mine. That doesn’t make any sense, either. A mine is a bomb that soldiers bury in the ground so that when other soldiers pass by, they will step on it and blow up. Max pretends to dig minefields for his toy soldiers, so that’s how I know. So how could Norman get a rock from a mine?
But Norman has everyone fooled, because all the kids in the class want to touch the rock now, even though it’s just rock that he probably found on the playground this morning. Even if he really did find the rock on a mine, it’s still just a rock. Why is everyone so excited? Mrs Pandolfe has to tell the class to ‘sit back and relax’. When Mrs Gosk wants her kids to relax, she says, ‘Don’t get your knickers in a bunch.’ I don’t know what this means, but it sounds funny.
Mrs Pandolfe tells all the kids to sit down again. She promises that everyone will get a chance to hold the rock if they are just patient.
It’s just a stupid rock, I want to yell.
All this nonsense going on while my friend is dying.
‘When is the spelling test?’ I finally ask.
‘Next, I think,’ Graham says, and her voice is even wispier than before. It sounds as if she’s standing behind three doors now. ‘She usually gives the test right after show and tell.’
Graham is right. After Norman is done lying about his fake trip to the prison and everyone has had a chance to touch his stupid rock, Mrs Pandolfe finally passes out the white-lined paper for the spelling test.
I stand at the back of the room during the test while Graham stands beside Meghan. I can barely see her anymore. When she stands still, she almost disappears completely.
I’m standing in the back, hoping that Meghan makes at least one mistake. Even though Meghan is a rotten speller, Graham said that she’s also spelled all the words on some tests correctly. If she spells them all correctly today, we won’t have time to make a new plan.
I feel like Graham could disappear at any second.
Then it happens. Mrs Pandolfe says giant and Meghan writes the word on her paper. A second later, Graham leans over, points to it, and says something. Meghan has spelled the word wrong, probably with a j instead of a g, and I feel giddy as I watch her erase the word and rewrite it.
Three words later, the same thing happens again, this time on the word surprise. By the time the test is finished, Graham has helped Meghan spell five words correctly and I am just waiting for the fading to reverse. In minutes, I expect that I will no longer lose sight of her unless she is moving. Any second now, my friend will appear whole again. She will be safe once more.
I wait.
Graham waits.
The test is over. We sit at a small table at the back of the room. We stare at each other. I wait for the moment when I can jump up and shout, ‘It’s happening! You’re coming back!’
Mrs Pandolfe has moved onto math and we still wait.
But it’s not happening. In fact, I think she’s fading away even more. Graham is sitting three feet in front of me and I can barely see her.
I want to doubt my eyes. They must be playing tricks on me. But then I know it’s true. Graham is still fading away. She’s becoming more and more transparent by the second.
I can’t tell her. I don’t want to tell her that the plan didn’t work, because it should have worked. It had to work.
But it didn’t. Graham is disappearing. She is almost gone.
‘It didn’t work,’ she finally says, breaking the silence. ‘I can tell. It’s okay.’
‘It had to work,’ I say. ‘She spelled all those words right because of you. She needs you. She knows that now. It had to work.’
‘It didn’t,’ Graham says. ‘I can tell. I can feel it.’
‘Does it hurt?’
As soon as I say it, I wish I hadn’t asked it. I feel bad asking it, because I’m asking it for me. Not for my friend.
‘No,’ Graham says. ‘Not at all.’ Even though it’s hard to see her, I think she is smiling. ‘It feels like I’m floating away. Like I’m free.’
‘There must be something else we can do,’ I say.
I sound frantic. I can’t help it. I feel like I am on a ship sinking into the ocean and there are no little boats to save me.
I think that Graham is shaking her head, but I can’t tell. It’s so hard to see her now.
‘There has to be something that we can do,’ I say again. ‘Wait. You said that Meghan is afraid of the dark. Go tell her that a monster lives under her bed, and it only comes out at night, and that you’re the reason she hasn’t been eaten yet. Tell her that every night you protect her from the monster, and that if you die she will be eaten.’
‘Budo, I can’t.’
‘It’s a rotten thing to do, I know, but you’re going to die if you don’t. You have to try.’
‘It’s okay,’ Graham says. ‘I’m ready to go.’
‘What does that mean you’re ready to go? Go where? You know what happens when you disappear?’
‘No, but it’s okay,’ she says again. ‘Whatever happens, I’ll be fine and Meghan will be fine.’
I can barely hear her now.
‘You have to try, Graham. Go over there and tell her that she needs you. Tell her about the monster under the bed!’
‘That’s not it, Budo. It doesn’t have to do with Meghan needing me. We were wrong. Meghan’s just growing up. First it’s me, and then it’ll be the tooth fairy, and next year it will be Santa Claus. She’s a big girl now.’
‘But the tooth fairy isn’t real and you are! Fight, Graham. Fight! Please! Don’t leave me!’
‘You’ve been a good friend to me, Budo, but I have to go now. I’m going to go sit next to Meghan now. I want to spend my last few minutes with her. Sitting next to my friend. It’s the only thing I’m really sad about.’
‘What?’
‘That I won’t be able to look at her anymore. See her grow up. I’m going to miss Meghan so much.’ She is quiet for a moment and then she adds, ‘I love her so much.’
I start crying. I don’t know it at first, because I have never cried before. My nose is suddenly clogged with boogers and my eyes feel wet. I feel warm and sad. So very sad. I feel like a hose with a kink in it, just waiting to let go and spray water everywhere. I feel like I am going to burst open with tears. But I’m glad that I’m crying, because I don’t have the words to say goodbye to Graham, and I know that I must. Graham will be gone very soon and I am going to lose my friend. I want to say goodbye and tell her how much I love her, too, but I don’t know how. I hope that my tears say it for me.
Graham stands up and smiles at me. She nods her head. Then she walks over to Meghan. She sits behind her and speaks in her ear. I don’t think Meghan can hear her anymore. Meghan is listening to Mrs Pandolfe and smiling.
I stand up. I go to the door. I want to leave. I don’t want to be here when Graham disappears. I look back one more time. Meghan has her hand raised again, ready to answer another question. Answer without stuttering. Graham is still sitting behind her, perched in a tiny first-grade chair. I can barely see her now. If Mrs Pandolfe opened the window and let a breeze in, I think that it might be enough to blow the last little bit of Graham away for ever.
I look one more time before I leave. Graham is still smiling. She’s staring at Meghan, craning her neck to see the little girl’s face, and she’s smiling.
I turn. I leave my friend behind.
CHAPTER 12
Mrs Gosk is teaching math. The kids are spread out around the room, rolling dice and calculating with their fingers. It takes me a minute to check all the corners of the room, but Max is not here. This is good. Max hates these games. He hates to roll dice and
listen to kids scream when they roll two sixes. He just wants to solve his math problems and be left alone.
I’m not sure where Max is supposed to be right now. He could be in the Learning Center with Mrs McGinn and Mrs Patterson, or he could be in Mrs Hume’s office. It’s hard to keep track of Max because he sees so many teachers during the day. I’m also not very good at telling the time when a clock has hands on it, and that’s the only kind of clock that Mrs Gosk has in her classroom.
I check in Mrs Hume’s office first because it is the closest to Mrs Gosk’s room but Max is not there. Mrs Hume is talking to the principal about a boy who sounds a lot like Tommy Swinden except his name is Danny and he is in second grade. The principal sounds worried. She uses the word situation three times when talking about Danny. When adults use situation a lot, it means that things are serious.
The principal’s name is Mrs Palmer. She’s an older lady who doesn’t like to punish kids or give out consequences, so she talks to Mrs Hume a lot about alternative ways to make the students behave. She thinks that if she makes a kid like Tommy volunteer in a kindergarten classroom, he will learn to behave.
I think that just gives Tommy Swinden a chance to be mean to even smaller kids.
Mrs Hume thinks that Mrs Palmer is crazy, but she doesn’t tell Mrs Palmer. But I’ve heard her say it more than once to other teachers. Mrs Hume thinks that if Mrs Palmer would just give a kid like Tommy Swinden detention more often, he might not try to bowl kids like Max in the bathroom.
I think Mrs Hume is right.
Max’s mom says that the right thing is usually the hardest thing. I don’t think Mrs Palmer has learned that lesson yet.
I walk down the hallway and check the Learning Center, but Max isn’t there either. Mrs McGinn is working with a boy named Gregory. Gregory is a first grader who has a disease called seizures. He has to wear a helmet all the time just in case he falls on his head when he’s having a seizure. A seizure is a like a combination of a temper tantrum and getting stuck.
Maybe if I had figured out a way for Graham to help Meghan with her temper tantrums, Graham would still be here. Maybe Meghan didn’t care about spelling. Maybe we needed to fix something even bigger than a spelling test.