"You look like a revolutionary," she said. "Are you?"
"Only if all artists are. I'm still painting, yes." And he scrutinized her face, her bones, which he had painted many times.
"What are you continuing to do to yourself?" he asked, holding her bony, ice-cold hand in his. Her face alarmed him. It was wasted and rough, the skin a sallow, unhealthy brown, with pimples across her forehead and on her chin. Her eyes were glassy and yellow and did not seem to focus at once. Her breath, like her clothes, was sour.
Four men had brought her home, hoisted across their shoulders exactly as they would carry a coffin, her eyes closed, barely breathing, arms folded across her chest, legs straight. They had passed him without speaking as he lay, attempting to nap, on the porch, placed her on her sleeping bag, and left. They had not even removed her cap, and while she was still unconscious Truman had pushed back her cap as he wiped her face with his moistened handkerchief and saw she had practically no hair.
"Did they hurt you out there?" he asked.
"They didn't touch me," she said.
"You're just sick then?"
"Of course I'm sick," snapped Meridian. "Why else would I spend all this time trying to get well!"
"You have a strange way of trying to get well!"
But her voice became softer immediately, as she changed the subject.
"You look just like Che," she said, "while I must look like death eating a soda cracker." She reached up and pulled at the sides of her cap, bringing the visor lower over her eyes. Just before she woke up she had been dreaming about her father; they were running up and down steep green hills chasing each other. She'd been yelling "Wait!" and "Stop!" at the top of her lungs, but when she heard him call the same words to her she speeded up. Neither of them waited or stopped. She was exhausted, and so she had woke up.
"I was waiting for you to come home--lying out on the porch--when I saw these people coming carrying a body"--Truman smiled--"which turned out to be you. They carried you straight as a board across their shoulders. How'd they do that?"
Meridian shrugged. "They're used to carrying corpses."
"Ever since I've been here people have been bringing boxes and boxes of food. Your house is packed with stuff to eat. One man even brought a cow. The first thing the cow did was drop cowshit all over the front walk. Whew," said Truman, squeezing her hand, "folks sure are something down here."
"They're grateful people," said Meridian. "They appreciate it when someone volunteers to suffer."
"Well, you can't blame them for not wanting to go up against a tank. After all, everybody isn't bulletproof, like you."
"We have an understanding," she said.
"Which is?"
"That if somebody has to go it might as well be the person who's ready."
"And are you ready?"
"Now? No. What you see before you is a woman in the process of changing her mind."
"That's hard to believe."
"It's amazing how little that matters."
"You mean that kindly, of course."
"Yes."
"Tell me," said Truman, who did not want to show how sad he suddenly felt, "did you look inside the wagon yourself?"
"No."
"Why not?"
"I knew that whatever the man was selling was irrelevant to me, useless."
"The whole thing was useless, if you ask me," said Truman, with bitterness. "You make yourself a catatonic behind a lot of meaningless action that will never get anybody anywhere. What good did it do those kids to see that freak's freaky wife?"
"She was a fake. They discovered that. There was no salt, they said, left in the crevices of her eyesockets or in her hair. This town is near the ocean, you know, the children have often seen dead things wash up from the sea. They said she was made of plastic and were glad they hadn't waited till Thursday when they would have to pay money to see her. Besides, it was a hot day. They were bored. There was nothing else to do."
"Did you fall down in front of them?"
"I try never to do that. I never have. Some of the men-- the ones who brought me home--followed me away from the square; they always follow me home after I perform, in case I need them. I fell down only when I was out of the children's sight."
"And they folded your arms?"
"They folded my arms."
"And straightened your legs?"
"They're very gentle and good at it."
"Do they know why you fall down?"
"It doesn't bother them. They have a saying for people who fall down as I do: If a person is hit hard enough, even if she stands, she falls. Don't you think that's perceptive?"
"I don't know what to think. I never have. Do you have a doctor?"
"I don't need one. I am getting much better by myself...." Meridian moved her fingers, then lifted her arms slightly off the floor. "See, the paralysis is going away already." She continued to raise and lower her arms, flexing her fingers and toes as she did so. She rolled her shoulders forward and up and raised and twisted her ankles. Each small movement made her face look happier, even as the effort exhausted her.
Truman watched her struggle to regain the use of her body. "I grieve in a different way," he said.
"I know," Meridian panted.
"What do you know?"
"I know you grieve by running away. By pretending you were never there."
"When things are finished it is best to leave."
"And pretend they were never started?"
"Yes."
"But that's not possible."
Meridian had learned this in New York, nearly ten summers ago.
"You are a coward," one of the girls said then, though they knew she was not a coward.
"A masochist," sniffed another.
And Meridian had sat among them on the floor, her hands clasping the insides of her sneakers, her head down. To join this group she must make a declaration of her willingness to die for the Revolution, which she had done. She must also answer the question "Will you kill for the Revolution?" with a positive Yes. This, however, her tongue could not manage. Through her mind was running a small voice that screamed: "Something's missing in me. Something's missing!" And the voice made her heart pound and her ears roar. "Something the old folks with their hymns and proverbs forgot to put in! What is it? What? What?"
"Why don't you say something?" Anne-Marion's voice, angry and with the undisguised urgency of her contempt, attempted to suppress any tone of compassion. Anne-Marion had said, "Yes, I will kill for the Revolution" without a stammer; yet Meridian knew her tenderness, a vegetarian because she loved the eyes of cows.
Meridian alone was holding on to something the others had let go. If not completely, then partially--by their words today, their deeds tomorrow. But what none of them seemed to understand was that she felt herself to be, not holding on to something from the past, but held by something in the past: by the memory of old black men in the South who, caught by surprise in the eye of a camera, never shifted their position but looked directly back; by the sight of young girls singing in a country choir, their hair shining with brushings and grease, their voices the voices of angels. When she was transformed in church it was always by the purity of the singers' souls, which she could actually hear, the purity that lifted their songs like a flight of doves above her music-drunken head. If they committed murder--and to her even revolutionary murder was murder--what would the music be like?
She had once jokingly asked Anne-Marion to imagine the Mafia as a singing group. The Mafia, Anne-Marion had hissed, is not a revolutionary cadre!
"You hate yourself instead of hating them," someone said.
"Why don't you say something?" said another, jabbing her in the ribs.
This group might or might not do something revolutionary. It was after all a group of students, of intellectuals, converted to a belief in violence only after witnessing the extreme violence, against black dissidents, of the federal government and police. Would they rob a bank? Bomb a landmark? Blow up a police
station? Would they ever be face to face with the enemy, guns drawn? Perhaps. Perhaps not. "But that isn't the point!" the small voice screeched. The point was, she could not think lightly of shedding blood. And the question of killing did not impress her as rhetorical at all.
They were waiting for her to speak. But what could she say? Saying nothing, she remembered her mother and the day she lost her. She was thirteen, sitting next to her mother in church, drunk as usual with the wonderful music, the voices themselves almost making the words of songs meaningless; the girls, the women, the stalwart fathers singing
The day is past and gone
The evening shade appear
Oh may we all remember well
The night of death draw near
Sniffing, her heart breaking with love, it was her father's voice, discerned in clarity from all the others, that she heard. It enveloped her in an anguish for that part of him that was herself--how could he be so resigned to death, she thought. But how sweet his voice! It was her mother, however, whom she heeded, while trying not to: "Say it now, Meridian, and be saved. All He asks is that we acknowledge Him as our Master. Say you believe in Him." Looking at her daughter's tears: "Don't go against your heart!" But she had sat mute, watching her friends walking past her bench, accepting Christ, acknowledging God as their Master, Jesus their Savior, and her heart fluttered like that of a small bird about to be stoned. It was her father's voice that moved her, that voice that could come only from the life he lived. A life of withdrawal from the world, a life of constant awareness of death. It was the music that made her so tractable and willing she might have said anything, acknowledged anything, simply for peace from his pain that was rendered so exquisitely beautiful by the singers' voices.
But for all that her father sang beautifully, heartbreakingly, of God, she sensed he did not believe in Him in quite the same way her mother did. Her mind stuck on a perennial conversation between her parents regarding the Indians:
"The Indians were living right here, in Georgia," said her father, "they had a town, an alphabet, a newspaper. They were going about their business, enjoying life ... It was the same with them all over the country, and in Mexico, South America ... doesn't this say anything to you?"
"No," her mother would say.
"And the women had babies and made pottery. And the men sewed moccasins and made drums out of hides and hollow logs."
"So?"
"It was a life, ruled by its own spirits."
"That's what you claim, anyway."
"And where is it now?"
Her mother sighed, fanning herself with a fan from the funeral home. "I never worry myself about those things. There's such a thing as progress. I didn't invent it, but I'm not going to argue with it either. As far as I'm concerned those people and how they kept off mosquitoes hasn't got a thing to do with me."
Meridian's mother would take up a fistful of wire clothes hangers, straighten them out, and red, yellow and white crepe paper and her shears, and begin to cut out rose petals. With a dull knife she scraped each petal against her thumb and then pressed both thumbs against the center of the petal to make a cup. Then she put smaller petals inside larger ones, made the bud of the rose by covering a small ball of aluminum foil with bright green paper, tied the completed flower head to the end of the clothes hanger, and stood the finished product in a churn already crowded with the artificial blooms. In winter she made small pillows, puckered and dainty, of many different colors. She stuck them in plastic bags that piled up in the closet. Prayer pillows, she called them. But they were too small for kneeling. They would only fit one knee, which Meridian's mother never seemed to notice.
Still, it is death not to love one's mother. Or so it seemed to Meridian, and so, understanding her mother as a willing know-nothing, a woman of ignorance and--in her ignorance--of cruelty, she loved her more than anything. But she respected even more her father's intelligence, though it seemed he sang, beautifully, only of death.
She struggled to retain her mother's hand, covering it with her own, and attempted to bring it to her lips. But her mother moved away, tears of anger and sadness coursing down her face. Her mother's love was gone, withdrawn, and there were conditions to be met before it would be returned. Conditions Meridian was never able to meet.
"Fallen asleep, have you?" It was a voice from the revolutionary group, calling her from a decidedly unrevolutionary past. They made her ashamed of that past, and yet all of them had shared it. The church, the music, the tolerance shown to different beliefs outside the community, the tolerance shown to strangers. She felt she loved them. But love was not what they wanted, it was not what they needed.
They needed her to kill. To say she would kill. She thought perhaps she could do it. Perhaps.
"I don't know if I can kill anyone ..."
There was a relaxing of everyone. "Ah ..."
"If I had to do it, perhaps I could. I would defend myself ..."
"Sure you would ..." sighed Anne-Marion, reining in the hatred about to run wild against her friend.
"Maybe I could sort of grow into the idea of killing other human beings ..."
"Enemies ..."
"Pigs ..."
"But I'm not sure ..."
"Oh, what a drag this girl is ..."
"I know I want what is best for black people ..."
"That's what we all want!"
"I know there must be a revolution ..."
"Damn straight!"
"I know violence is as American as cherry pie!"
"Rap on!"
"I know nonviolence has failed ..."
"Then you will kill for the Revolution, not just die for it?" Anne-Marion's once lovely voice, beloved voice. "Like a fool!" the voice added, bitterly and hard.
"I don't know."
"Shee-it...!"
"But can you say you probably will? That you will."
"No."
Everyone turned away.
"What will you do? Where will you go?" Only Anne-Marion still cared enough to ask, though her true eyes--with their bright twinkle--had been replaced with black marbles.
"I'll go back to the people, live among them, like Civil Rights workers used to do."
"You're not serious?"
"Yes," she had said, "I am serious."
And so she had left the North and come back South, moving from one small town to another, finding jobs--some better or worse than others--to support herself; remaining close to the people--to see them, to be with them, to understand them and herself, the people who now fed her and tolerated her and also, in a fashion, cared about her.
Each time Truman visited Meridian he found her with less and less furniture, fewer and fewer pieces of clothing, less of a social position in the community--wherever it was-- where she lived. From being a teacher who published small broadsides of poems, she had hired herself out as a gardener, as a waitress at middle-class black parties, and had occasionally worked as a dishwasher and cook.
"And now you're here," said Truman, indicating the bareness of the room.
"Vraiment," said Meridian, and smiled at the startled look on Truman's face. "Why, you've forgotten your French!" she said. And then, soberly, "We really must let each other go, you know."
"You mean I really must let you go," said Truman. "You cut me loose a long time ago."
"And how is Lynne?"
"I haven't seen her in a long time. I've only seen her a few times since Camara died."
"I liked your daughter."
"She was beautiful." And then, because he did not want to talk about his daughter or his wife, he said, "I've never understood your illness, the paralysis, the breaking down ... the way you can face a tank with absolute calm one minute and the next be unable to move. I always think of you as so strong, but look at you!"
"I am strong, actually," said Meridian, cockily, for someone who looked near death and had to do exercises before her body allowed her to crawl or stand. "I'm just not Superwoman."
"And why
can't Anne-Marion leave you alone?" asked Truman, nodding at the letters on the wall. "Anyone who could write such hateful things is a real bitch."
"To tell the truth," said Meridian. "I keep the letters because they contain the bitch's handwriting."
"You're kidding?" asked Truman.
"No, I'm not," said Meridian.
MEDGAR EVERS/JOHN F. KENNEDY/MALCOLM X/MARTIN LUTHER KING/ROBERT KENNEDY/CHE GUEVARA/PATRICE LAMUMBA/GEORGE JACKSON/CYNTHIA WESLEY/ADDIE MAE COLLINS/DENISE MCNAIR/CAROLE ROBERTSON/ VIOLA LIUZZO
It was a decade marked by death. Violent and inevitable. Funerals became engraved on the brain, intensifying the ephemeral nature of life. For many in the South it was a decade reminiscent of earlier times, when oak trees sighed over their burdens in the wind; Spanish moss draggled bloody to the ground; amen corners creaked with grief; and the thrill of being able, once again, to endure unendurable loss produced so profound an ecstasy in mourners that they strutted, without noticing their feet, along the thin backs of benches: their piercing shouts of anguish and joy never interrupted by an inglorious fall. They shared rituals for the dead to be remembered.
But now television became the repository of memory, and each onlooker grieved alone.
It was during the first televised Kennedy funeral that Anne-Marion Coles became quite conscious of Meridian Hill. She had seen her around the campus before, but never really to speak to. Meridian appeared so aloof she could sit at a table for four in the dining room and never be asked to share it; or, if she were asked, the question would be put timidly, with deference. This barrier she erected seemed to astonish her, and when finally approached--whether in the dining room, the chapel, or under the campus trees--she was likely to seem too eager in her response, too generous, too friendly, her dark face whipped quickly into liveliness, and dark, rather sad eyes crinkled brightly into gladness.
Anne-Marion had the audacity of the self-confident person who, against whatever odds, intends to succeed. Hers was an exploitative rather than an altruistic nature, and she would never have attempted penetrating Meridian's reserve if she had not sensed behind it an intriguing and valuable inner life--an exploration of which would enrich her own existence. That she would learn to care for Meridian she did not foresee.
She sat across from Meridian as she and the other honor students watched the Kennedy family stride off toward Arlington National Cemetery behind the shattered body of their dead John. Jackie Kennedy, it was suggested by a newsman, had been given something that helped her not to cry. The students had been given nothing, and so they cried small floods. Meridian's face, grayish-blue from the television light, glistened with tears that dripped off her chin onto her blue cotton shirt. Slumped forward with grief, she did not bother to raise her hands from her lap, where they lay palms up, empty. She shivered as if she were cold.