Chapter thirteen
After walking several days, my resolve to leave forever began to waver. The mountains came into sight. I had always wanted to go and see the snow-capped peaks—just not like this. My heart felt heavy and guilt weighed me down. Joseph, I knew, would be torn up about my leaving. Father would not care. I wondered if Mabel would tell Caspian who she was. I was also vaguely curious what Caspian would do when he finished taking care of his father’s affairs, if he would go back to his family like he had said. I did not expect him to come riding up next to me.
“Caspian! What’re you doing here?!” I demanded.
He jumped off his horse, keeping a hold on the reins. “Joseph sent me. He wants you to come back.”
I cast my eyes downward. “How did you find me?”
“The servants told me which way you went. Why’d you leave?”
“Father disowned me,” I told him quietly.
Caspian remained silent, realizing the gravity of the situation.
I spoke again, needing to give voice to my thoughts. “They’re never going to be the same because of me. Father hates me. I can’t even face Joseph.”
“Your brother loves you,” Caspian said.
“I know.”
I took a breath to compose myself. “Tell Joseph I’m sorry, but I’m gonna keep going.”
I turned my back, but Caspian caught my wrist, stopping me.
“Wait,” he said. “If you won’t stay for yourself, then stick around for Joseph. You’ve found him again after so many years. You can’t just leave.”
“I believe that’s for me to decide,” I said coldly. “Let me go.”
“Joseph is still sick,” he pursued. “It was a big enough shock to him when he first found out that you were gone. Do you want to make him worse?”
“Caspian, I said I’m not going back,” I told him harshly, though he had put a dent in my already wavering confidence.
His next words felt like a punch to the stomach: “You’re bein’ selfish.”
My jaw dropped. He looked away guiltily, and dropped my hand. “It’s your choice, Merry. Take it or leave it.”
I had not thought about things the way Caspian put it. As much as I hated to admit it, I was being selfish. Joseph needed me, and I had been willing to put my feelings above his needs. Caspian watched me anxiously. Then I remembered all my anger from my years away from home.
“He sold me! Father sold me to Lord Fitch to pay his stupid gambling debts! He didn’t care what would happen after that, he just wanted to get rid of me. What person could look at Lord Fitch and say that nothing was wrong with him? He didn’t care, and now he has the nerve to disown me. I don’t think that’s selfish!” I took a breath, trying to calm down. “That house--I can’t look at it without remembering why I left. That place is terrifying! All the people he’s murdered, and the fact that I could have been one of them. And if I did go back,” I continued “I mean, Joseph’s gonna have to take care of Father. He won’t be able to support me, and I’m not getting married. It ended too badly last time. And you know what? I’m sick of depending on other people? I proved that I could take care of myself on that damn ship, and I’m not going back!”
We stared each other down. Caspian’s eyes softened.
“I’m sorry for callin’ you selfish,” Caspian said finally. “You have every right to be mad at your father. The decision’s up to you.”
“You bet it is,” I retorted. “I didn’t hide on a ship for seven years to give up my right to make my own choices.”
He cracked a grin. “That sounds more like Pretty Boy.”
I gave a half-hearted smile.
“So which are you gonna be?” he asked. “Pretty Boy in the mountains or Merry with your brother?”
“I wish I could be both. Pretty Boy and Merry.”
“Maybe you can be. Times may change.”
“Not fast enough,” I grumbled.
He chuckled. I gazed back at the mountains.
“I’ll miss you…if you leave,” Caspian said.
I turned to meet his eyes. He shrugged. “We’ve been through a lot together.”
“How was Joseph when you left?” I asked.
“He’s gettin’ better. He’s worried about you. Surely you two could figure somethin’ out.”
I doubted it, but my resolve was shattered. “I’ll go back with you. But I don’t think I’ll be able to stay.”
He nodded.
He helped me onto the horse, and we made the trip back in tense silence. When we arrived back at the manor, Caspian offered to take me to Joseph, but I declined his offer, mostly out of embarrassment. I slowly made my way to Joseph and Father’s room. Upon finding them gone, I learned from a servant that they had been moved to other rooms, separate from each other. I stopped outside Joseph’s door and took a few deep breaths to steady myself. Relief me as I entered to find him asleep. Our meeting would be delayed a little longer. I quietly seated myself in a chair a little ways away.
When he finally woke, he saw me in the corner.
“Merry! You’re back!” he said, starting to try to get up, but I got there first.
He hugged me. “Where were you?”
“I just…needed some time to think,” I said with a weak smile.
“Merry,” he said suspiciously.
“Joseph, it doesn’t matter. I’m back now.”
Joseph pursed his lips. “Did Caspian get you?”
I nodded.
“Then I can just ask him.”
“Okay, fine,” I said exasperatedly. “I was going to the mountains.”
“Why?”
“I needed to get away from everything.”
“Is this because of Father?”
“Well…partially.”
“Come on, Merry. I don’t want to have to drag it out of you. What was the other part?”
I told him my feelings about being immortal, how angry I was at Father, and how embarrassed I was that he had seen Lord Fitch’s hold over me. When , a servant prepared the bed in the next room for me to sleep in. As before, I stayed awake all night. Finally, I had enough and went for a walk. I tried to go outside, but the guard stopped me. Scars crossed his face. “Sorry,” he said. “But no one is allowed off the grounds after dark.”
“I’m not going off the grounds,” I said. “I just need some air.”
He gave me a disbelieving look, and I got the feeling I knew him from somewhere. The torchlight hit his face, and I remembered. Seven years ago, I gave him the same excuse when Lord Fitch was the lord of the manor. The scars had not been there before. I opened my mouth, but no sound came out at first. “I’m sorry,” I blurted, and fled before he could see tears. As soon as I entered the hall, I ran smack into someone. I did not wait to see who it was before I rushed on to my room, sobbing. I slammed the door behind me once I was in my room, and slid down it. A knock sounded on it.
“Go away!” I shouted.
“Merry? Are you okay?” I recognized Caspian’s voice.
“I’m fine!” I said, hiccupping.
“Are you sure?”
“Yes!” I snapped.
“All right, I’m leavin’,” he said after a pause.
When Joseph became stronger, he joined me at dinner with Caspian and Mabel. I felt the tension in the air and avoided eye contact with Caspian, despite his glances at me every so often.
“We’re almost finished with Gregory’s affairs,” Mabel said. “We’ll need to be thinkin’ about the future.”
“Whoever wants to can stay in the manor,” Caspian offered. “Because I certainly ain’t goin’ to.
I kept my eyes on my plate, but Joseph thanked him. “I will ask Father what he thinks of the offer,” he said.
A little later Joseph came to see me in my room where I dozed by the fire. I was startled awake when he sat in the other chair.
“Merry, are you okay?” he asked carefully.
“Yes. Why do you ask?”
“Caspian is worried about you. He said a few nights ago—”
“I’m fine, Joseph. Caspian is overreacting.”
Joseph did not seem convinced, but he let it go. “I talked to Father. He does not want to remain here when all is finished, and neither do I. Are you staying?”
“This place holds too many bad memories,” I said. “Where are you going?”
Joseph chose his words carefully. “I am going to speak with Father concerning your living arrangements. I am hoping we may all still live together.”
“Joseph, he disowned me. No way is he gonna agree to that!”
“I know. But the alternative is leaving my sick father on his own, or leaving my sister to fend for herself. Do you see my problem?”
I rubbed my temples. “If I had just done what I was meant to do in the first place, none of this would’ve happened,” I murmured.
“Stop it!” Joseph snapped. “If you had done what you were supposed to do, you would be dead! I don’t think that’s any better!”
I stood. “Joseph, you and Father were tortured for seven years while I was safe at sea! That guard I got past the night I left—Fitch tortured him! If I’d done what I was told, it would be only me who had to suffer.”
“You didn’t hurt us. Fitch did,” Joseph said. “Fitch is the bad guy here, not you.”
I slumped into my chair. “If he’d killed me then, he wouldn’t have made me immortal.”
“If he had killed you, he would still be making others suffer.”
…
At dinner a few nights later, Mabel asked if we had decided where we would go once we left the mansion.
“Have you talked to Father yet?” I asked Joseph.
He looked down at his plate. “Yeah, um…he said…no.” Joseph stammered.
He was trying to be discreet in front of the others, but I knew what he meant. Father refused to let me stay with them.
“Joseph is gonna stay with Father,” I said.
Joseph looked at me. “Wait—what? I never said that!”
“Joseph, I can take care of myself. Father can’t.”
“But—”
“Do you really want to do this right now?” I growled at him.
“What about you?” Mabel asked me.
“I’ll find something,” I answered. “I’ve done it before.”
After dinner Joseph pulled me aside. “I can’t let you go off on your own again,” he said.
“What’s the alternative? You know you can’t leave Father—he’ll die within a week. I’ve gotten used to bein’ on my own anyway, and I’ve gotten pretty good at it. I can come visit you every so often if it’d make you feel better.”
“I could tell Father that he lets you stay with us, or I’ll leave.”
I shook my head. “You know Father. He’d rather die than give in. I swear, Joseph. I’ll be fine.”
Joseph lowered his head, and I thought I had finally won the argument. When he looked up, however, I saw the fierce light of determination in his eyes. “You have been on your own long enough. If Father does not agree, it is his own fault.”
“If you leave Father, I’ll run away and I won’t be coming back,” I said harshly. “This is the one thing I can do to make it up to him. You aren’t taking this from me.”
“Okay. Fine. I give up.”
He roughly pulled me into an embrace, and did not let go for a while.
Joseph and I sat in one of the manor’s many parlors playing chess when Caspian found us.
“I’ve got some money set aside to help you get started again, if you want it,” he said.
“Father and I will be okay,” Joseph said. “We are going back home and I’ll work at Father’s old shop, but Merry will take it.”
Caspian furrowed his brows. “Where’re you going?” he asked me.
“I’m gonna travel, try to find work,” I said.
“Oh.”
I captured Joseph’s queen. Caspian opened his mouth, but it took a moment for any sound to come out. “I’m goin’ back to my family,” he said. “Merry, if you need a place to stay…I’m sure my parents wouldn’t mind you stayin’ with us,” he said.
My mouth dropped open, but Joseph brightened.
“Really?” Joseph asked.
Caspian nodded. “If she wants to,” he hastened to say.
“That would be great!” Joseph said.
I kicked him under the table. “Caspian, would you give us a minute?” I said, leaving no room for argument. He nodded, and left the room.
“Joseph, what’re you thinking?” I hissed.
“I’m thinking that this will keep you from being on your own,” he shot back.
I huffed. “We’ve been through this.”
“What is wrong with Caspian? From what I have seen of him, he’s not that bad.”
“That’s what you thought about Lord Fitch, too,” I said heatedly.
Joseph’s jaw dropped, and I knew I had crossed a line.
“I’m sorry,” I hurried to say. “That was cruel.”
“Unless there is something you know about Caspian that I do not, I think you should go with him,” Joseph said quietly. “You should not have had to fend for yourself like you did. It was my job, and Father’s, to take care of you. Now that I get the chance to make up for it, you won’t let me. At least let Caspian.”
“I don’t need to be taken care of,” I said, standing. “I thought I had proven that.” I started to leave.
“Merry, please,” Joseph said.
I whirled around. “What makes you trust him so much anyway? It doesn’t make sense—you’ve only just met him.”
“It is a feeling, I guess. Merry, I honestly believe that he would never do anything to intentionally hurt you.”
I slowly sat back down. “What if you’re wrong?” I asked gently.
He looked at me steadily. “I’m not.”
I caught up to Caspian in the hall some time later.
“Caspian!” I said. He turned around and I stopped in front of him. “What if Lord Fitch calls me again? I might hurt somebody.”
“I don’t think you will,” he said.
“Will your parents be okay with you bringing me?” I asked nervously.
Caspian smiled. “Sure they will.”
“Well…if the offer is still open, I’ll take it,” I said awkwardly.
“Great,” he grinned.
He had a very nice smile.
“Alright, well…bye,” I said, and hurried away.
A few days later I went on my own to the stables to see Mabel off.
“Where are you going?” I asked.
“I’m gonna go see if me brother is still around,” she said, tightening her horse’s straps.
I folded my arms against the chilly wind. “Are you gonna tell Caspian?”
She looked sharply at me. “No,” she answered, then changed the subject. “I hear you’re gonna go live with him and his family.”
I made no reply.
“You’re gonna like Mal, his mama. She’s an angel.” Mabel mounted her horse. “Now, you take care of me boy. You’re all he’s gonna have in a hundred years.”
She kicked her horse and shot out of the stable.
The next day Caspian, Father, Joseph, and I prepared to part ways. Joseph had arranged for a carriage to carry Father and him home. Caspian and I packed our few belongings and supplies into the saddlebags. I bade Joseph goodbye, with Father facing stonily away from us.
“I’ll come by and visit every once in a while,” I told Joseph.
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br /> I mounted my horse, and Caspian shook hands with Joseph.
“Be good to her,” Joseph said.
Caspian nodded solemnly. When he mounted, Joseph raised his hand in a final farewell to me. Caspian and I rode away.
Part Three