“I think it’s sexy,” Scott argued.
Gabe told me I should learn to work on my patience. Or to give in once in a while. He dared me to try and stay out of trouble for a month.
We sat around and talked about life and dreams because they all felt in our grasp that night. Fireworks erupted over the ocean, in shapes of blooming flowers and showering branches of trees. The flowers opened and blossomed and then the petals fell over the water into a shimmering pool of light. People danced on the beach, their arms gliding like waves, like they were following some path in the jet stream. Happiness followed behind me like a loyal shadow.
Chapter Thirty-Seven
The celebration carried into the next day and there was more live music and festivities and art shows. Justin and I stood on a wharf packed with sailboats and watched a band performing on the stage of a pavilion at the edge of the beach. Hundreds of people gathered around the stage, but tonight we wanted some privacy. I was on my third baked apple. Justin leaned over and grabbed it out of my hand and took a bite. He handed it back to me and licked his sticky fingers.
“After this whole mess is figured out, with the DC and digital school, do you think our lives will ever be this simple?” I asked.
“God, I hope so,” he said.
“Really?” I looked at him. “It’s hard to imagine you slowing down. It seems like you’re happier chasing.”
He thought about this for a second. “You stop chasing when you find what you want,” he said, and studied me. “What did you really wish for yesterday?”
“You tell me first,” I said with a smile. His face turned serious. He stared at me. Really stared.
He pursed his lips together and stalled.
“What is it?” I asked. Before he could answer me, his phone beeped.
“I need to turn this off.” He frowned and reached into his pocket. But when he looked at the screen, his hand paused.
“Look who’s keeping tabs on you,” he said, and showed me the screen. The message read: I’d like a conference call with Madeline. Alone. Ten minutes.—Kevin Freeman
“Great,” I said. Usually a message like that made my stomach churn because it meant one thing: I was in trouble. But this time, I was more annoyed to be interrupted.
Justin slid the phone in his pocket and grabbed my hand. “You can use my parents’ basement,” he said, and pulled me away from the dock.
“How did he get your number?”
“I think your dad has access to anything he wants,” he reminded me.
I let him lead me back to his house. We passed groups of people screaming and laughing on the beach, gathered around fire pits. We headed up the sandy hill to his parents’ house and climbed up the front porch steps. Justin opened the screen door to a group gathered in the living room, lounging on the couches, drinking wine, and talking in candlelight.
We walked down the hall until we came to the basement door. He opened it for me and I looked between the cool stairwell and the warm, welcoming hallway like they were two different worlds.
“I’ll be right upstairs,” he promised, and I headed down to the basement. The room was cold and full of computer monitors and wall screens. I dialed my dad’s number on the screen, sat down on the couch, and waited.
“Madeline,” my mom cried when she saw me. She leaned forward like she wanted to reach through the wall screen and grab me in her arms.
I looked from her to my father. They sat next to each other in his office. He didn’t look especially happy to see me. But he didn’t look angry either. His face was bare of emotions.
“Are you okay?” my mom asked. I stared at her like I was seeing a memory, a place that you don’t realize how much you missed until you come back to it. It had been nearly nine months since I’d seen my mom. She looked the same. Her light brown hair was tied in a braid, and she wore a loose red sweater and blue jeans. It didn’t occur to me until now that even though we had our differences, even though we drove each other nuts on a daily basis, she had been a best friend. For so many years it was just the two of us.
“I’m fine,” I assured her with a confident nod.
“You need to put on some weight,” she informed me. “You look scrawny.” I rolled my eyes. Leave it to my mom to lecture me on my appearance right now.
“I missed you,” I told her. I thought about all the things I wanted to say to her when I was struggling in the DC and trapped on the boat, seconds from my life ending. I wished I could crawl through the screen and talk to her for hours, to catch up on life. “I’m sorry about everything I’ve done. I never meant to hurt either of you.”
Her eyes filled up with tears and she nodded quickly. “It’s all right, Maddie. We love you,” she said, her hand clasping my dad’s tightly. “I’m just relieved you’re all right.”
“How’s Baley?” I asked.
My mom sighed. “She sleeps in your room every night. I keep promising her you’ll be coming home soon,” she said, and her eyes looked hopefully back at me. They started to fill with tears again and so did mine. What I couldn’t say was no, I wasn’t going to be home any time soon. I didn’t belong in their world anymore.
My dad’s eyes locked on mine and they softened. “You look much better than when I last saw you,” he said.
“Luckily someone helped me escape,” I hinted, wishing my dad would try to see the good in Justin.
“I wanted to talk to you before I head down to Los Angeles tomorrow,” he said.
“You’re going to discuss the detention center?” I hoped.
He nodded. “The media wants to interview me. Word got out that I was there last month. People think I know what’s been going on inside. They’re investigating how much I’m tied to all of this.”
“Well, you do know what’s going on,” I said.
He slowly nodded. “I’ve been doing my own research.”
“So, you believe us?” I asked.
He didn’t answer me at first.
“We have the evidence,” I said before he could argue. “We have about eight hundred witnesses,” I pointed out, my voice rising. “We have blood tests, exams, proof of drugs.”
My dad held his hand up to silence me.
“Are you going to help us or not?” I demanded.
He stared at me. “That depends. There are a few practical things you need to face.”
“Like what?” I asked. Everything else in the room seemed to fade away. All I could see were my dad’s eyes.
“Have you ever considered you might be wasting your time imagining what your life could be instead of accepting what your life is?”
“I’m not content with what my life is.”
My dad thought about this for a few seconds. He took his time to answer me. “This real world, as you like to call it, is no better than the digital one. I’ve been out there, I’ve seen it. You’re fighting for the choice to be miserable. I wish you could understand that.”
I opened my mouth to argue but he cut me off. “No one is happy in that world either,” he argued. “That world is just as fake, just as plastic. Did you know, before digital school, everyone needed to be medicated in order to survive? People just wanted to forget. Having so many choices made people sick. It drove them mad. So everyone wanted to be numb. They took drugs to cope. People couldn’t handle the pressure of living. Freedom is a paradox, Maddie. It doesn’t exist.”
“That’s not true,” I said.
“What exactly do you want?” My mom interrupted the argument. I took a long breath.
“I can see there are things about DS that work. I know technology has its benefits. But some things need to change. Maybe we can meet me in the middle? Combine our ideas?”
My dad was silent for a few seconds as he considered this offer.
“You can’t have everything you want in life,” he said. “It simply doesn’t work that way and the sooner you accept it the less trouble you’ll make. Some ideas, some relationships, you need to give up.”
I narrowed my eyes. I knew who he was referring to.
“Justin is dangerous,” he said. “Every time he walks into your life, you nearly get killed. If he really cared about you, he’d leave you alone. I can’t accept him, Maddie.”
“What are you saying?” I asked.
He laced his fingers together, his signature move that a bargaining chip was in store, and I knew in my gut I wouldn’t like it. His mouth formed a tight line. This wouldn’t be a negotiation. It would be take it or leave it, like it always was with my father. I’d forgotten an important fact. He made a career out of getting his way.
“How would it look if I agreed to work with you, and it came back that I was tied to these radicals? To Justin Solvi in particular?” he said.
“So you’re going to side with Richard Vaughn instead? You’re going to let this continue?”
“Not if you agree to a few terms,” he replied calmly. “If you want me to work with you, you have to compromise as well. We need to meet halfway.” I knew what he was going to say and I cut in.
“No,” I said. “I’m not backing down. Not for a second.”
“Neither am I. Maybe you’re right. Maybe we can work on changing the system. On developing a face-to-face system to exist alongside digital school. I would be willing to listen. If.”
“If?” I waited. One small word hung in the air and had so much weight it pressed my shoulders down.
He opened up his arms. He was wearing a suit and tie, as if this conference call were just another business deal. “You must see the condition? The future of DS aside, you are my daughter. If you expect me to cooperate, you’re going to have to join my side.”
I shook my head as his words sank in.
“That means cutting off your attachments. All of them,” he said. “It also means moving back home. Following my orders. Behaving for once without temptations around to get you into trouble.”
“You mean, choose you over my friends?”
“I think it’s a fair compromise. I can’t have my daughter running with the crowd that’s trying to overthrow a system I built. I especially can’t have her associating with the leader of that group.”
I raked my mind for any excuse. “You said yourself you see things wrong with DS,” I pleaded. “You wouldn’t know half of what was going on if it wasn’t for people like Justin,” I said. “Why can’t you work with all of us?”
“No.”
“But Dad—”
“I gave you your option,” he interrupted, his voice rising. “If Justin’s smart, he’ll convince you which side to take. If you’re smart you’ll let all of this go. I’ve known you your whole life. These people have known you less than a year. So who do you think knows you best?”
I looked at my mom and her eyes were pleading with me to accept the offer.
“I don’t know anymore,” I admitted. “I feel like you see what you want to see and they see me for who I am.”
“Do these people know you’re insecure? Shy? Timid? Do they even know your weaknesses?”
“I don’t have those weaknesses around them,” I said. “Maybe you bring them out in me.”
He shook his head. “You’re not a rebel leader. It’s fun right now, it’s exciting, but you can’t maintain this lifestyle because it isn’t you. You will fail. I’m giving you a choice. I hope you make the wise one.”
“Dad—”
The connection cut off. The room was silent and the wall screen faded into gray.
How could I choose? I had two families now. Justin, Clare, Pat, Gabe, Justin’s parents, people I truly loved. My mom and dad. I couldn’t live without either. But I knew I couldn’t have both.
April 30, 2061
I’m not scared anymore. When I was in the DC, I was dying every day, slowly, like I was dying of thirst. I could feel myself disintegrating one cell at a time. I watched all my friends and my family die in all my dreams. Every night a piece of me died.
It’s a relief to know life can’t be more painful than that. If I can survive that, I think I can survive anything. I used to be scared in the DC and wonder what tragedy was lurking next. It was like they turned my pain threshold on high and watched me convulse. There’s a relief in knowing you’ve hit the bottom. It makes you immune to fear.
I think Justin’s right, that it takes pain to realize your strength. Maybe it takes tragedy to create paradise.
There is something so encouraging about the idea of starting new. You can start new every day. I just have to let it go. I need to remember my past in order to imagine my future. I’m learning that the two go hand in hand. But I’m determined to use my past as a guide, not as an anchor.
I know what my decision needs to be.
Chapter Thirty-Eight
Justin stood on the other side of the car in the driveway. The wind gusts blew my hair across my eyes and I tucked it behind my ear.
“I’ll be back in a few days,” he said.
I nodded. I knew it wasn’t safe for me to join him in Los Angeles for the conferences dealing with DC investigations. I had to stay out of the spotlight right now. But it was getting harder and harder to be left behind.
“I have some thinking to do,” I muttered with a frown. It had been two days since my father’s call. I hadn’t given him an answer yet.
“What’s there to think about?” he asked, like choosing families was an easy decision. “I think the answer’s obvious.” Justin walked around the car until he was standing next to me. “Let’s review your track record. Do you ever give into your father for very long?”
“No,” I mumbled.
“Then why start now?”
He picked a duffle bag off the ground and tossed it in the trunk.
“Because it’s occurred to me he still controls my life.”
Justin shook his head. “Only if you let him. Your dad’s full of scare tactics. I think he’s bluffing.”
A year ago I might have believed that. But every time I thought I was stronger than my father I always got shot down and put in my place. Every time I thought I gained my freedom I was only baited into another trap.
I was his daughter. His property.
Justin shut the trunk and leaned against the side of the car and studied me. He grabbed my hand and pulled me next to him. He leaned in close, until his shoulder pressed against mine. “Do you want to join your dad’s side?”
I glared at him. “Of course not. But it’s the only way to change anything. Isn’t that what we wanted? He’s finally willing to work with me.”
“In exchange for you never speaking to us again,” Justin reminded me.
“That’s his trick,” I said. “He says he’s making me a deal, but he isn’t. If I stay here, I’ll just get arrested again. And you and your friends are next in line.”
Justin rolled his eyes as if this were just an inconvenience.
“And he knows where to find us,” I pointed out. “He found your number. He knows more than we can probably comprehend.”
I waited for Justin to nod and agree and tell me to give up. But Justin never backed down from anything he wanted. I just hadn’t grasped, until now, that the thing he wanted most of all was me.
“I told you a few days ago this is forever. You think I’m going to let your dad call the shots?” There was a challenge in his eyes.
I wanted to believe him. But he never fought for people before. “But you told me love is about letting people go,” I said. “That’s what you believe. It’s what you always preach. So shouldn’t you be telling me to go?”
Justin ran his hand through his hair. “Yeah, that was a load of crap,” he said.
“What?”
He smiled. “I didn’t know what I was talking about,” he admitted. “I’d never been in love when I said that. Now I am. And I was wrong. I think love is something you have to fight for.”
“You really believe that?”
He shrugged. “Letting go is easy. Anyone can do that. Love is fighting for someo
ne to stay. That’s what takes work. I know that now. I used to think I was better off alone, but alone is the worst place to be. It just took me this experience to figure it out.”
My mouth fell open with shock. Justin Solvi changed. For me. I opened his eyes to possibly the most important thing in life.
“Your dad doesn’t actually think he can keep us apart, does he?” he said with a smile.
He made it sound too easy. “So what are we supposed to do?” I asked. “Flee the country so we can be together? Hide away the rest of our lives? I love you, but I don’t want that. I don’t think you do either.”
“That’s not what I’m talking about,” he said.
“Then what do you want?”
He looked at me like it was obvious. “I want you to fight for me, too. You fight every day. You never back down. So let’s make this work. We’ll figure it out.”
“What about digital school?”
He frowned. “You’ll always come first, Maddie. You always have. It just took me a while to realize it.”
I stared at him, shocked these words were coming out of his mouth. “I still don’t know what to tell my dad.”
Justin waved his hand in the air like he was brushing the idea away. “He’s going to be in L.A. for the next week. We’ll figure something out.”
I nodded and wanted to be as assured as him.
“I need to think about this,” I said. I looked up at the sky and wanted to see birds. I needed an omen that something would help carry me through this. But the sky was gray and thick clouds crawled slowly by, in no hurry to move.
“What do you want?” he asked me.
“I want to be with you,” I said because at this moment, that’s the one feeling I could count on. That was my one certainty.
He took a deep breath of relief and he leaned down and rested his forehead against mine.
“Thanks,” he breathed. “That all I needed to hear.”
Acknowledgments
Okay, first I need to thank my husband, Adam, because none of this would have happened without your support. I would also like to thank my agent, Helen Breitwieser, for reminding me that I don’t actually live on a deserted island. Thanks to my editor, Julia Richardson, for helping me to spin a manuscript that I was simply happy with into a book that I am immensely proud of writing.