“With her?”
“She was there.”
“Farrah said you had your arms around her.”
“I did not have my arms around her! I was helping her shoot, it was a video game. Will you put that phone down and listen to me?”
“No, look at this, Blake. Tell me what it looks like to you.”
I watched the poor-quality video on her Razor and shook my head. I fucking hated Farrah.
“Okay, fine, I was flirting with her. Nothing happened. That’s it. I left with Matt and Jerome.”
“You’re a fucking ass. I’m not okay with this. You act like it’s no big deal, look at you, Blake. Your hands are on her fucking hips!”
“Janie. Oh my God, don’t make a big deal about this. I don’t want Ashton Mandy. I want you.”
“Ashton Mandy? My dad always says never trust a man with two first names; I suppose that’s true for girls too.”
“What? That doesn’t even make sense, and it’s two last names, not first names.”
“Do you love me?”
“Janie, please, this isn’t necessary. There is nothing going on with me and Ashton. Swear to God. Can we practice now? My dad’s going to be yelling if he doesn’t hear something soon. I’m sorry.”
“You’ll swear to God, but you won’t answer my question. Do you love me?”
“You know I do, I’ve loved you since you walked in this place. I am not doing anything with Ashton. I swear.”
“Swear on my life.”
“I swear on your life, I swear on my life, I swear to God. Now stop it. Come here,” I said, pulling her arm. Once I felt she was calmed down, I kissed her and took her phone. I didn’t want her getting pissed off at me every time she watched it. I felt bad about it once I saw how upset she was, but not the night before. It felt good to be admired by someone other than Janie. I mean, I had other girls hit on me, being a professional piano player did something to girls. They flocked all over me. The older I got, the more I got. But so did Janie. We used to laugh about it.
“Do you want to go to Jerome’s party with me tomorrow night?” I asked, trying to smooth over my idiot move.
“I don’t know, I feel out of place around your friends, and I told Farrah and Jolie that I would go see The Exorcism of Emily Rose.”
“No, you cannot see that without me, we’re seeing that together.”
“Fine, I’d rather see it with you.”
“Hey, anyone practicing today? Or did you not want to play in the Christmas show?”
“Yes, we’re going in now,” I yelled.
“Hey Blake, do you want to play at the restaurant? My dad told me to ask you. Margaret doesn’t want to do it through the holidays.”
“Hmm, I don’t know. Do you? That’s like every weekend.”
“Yes, I want to, I love watching all the lovebirds dancing to my music. You don’t have to, but he said to tell you that he would let you hang around the office over Christmas break if you do.”
“Hell yeah. I’m in.” That’s all it took. The power that man had intrigued the hell out of me, I loved the way heads were bowed at his feet, kissed his ass and called him Zazen. How cool was that? The guy even changed his name to match his success. Janie would play for the thrill of it; I would play to follow Holden around for two weeks straight.
I swore on Janie’s life that night. I went to her house around six, thinking I would get it in real quick before we left, she wasn’t even dressed yet.
“Hey, why are you sleeping?” I asked, shaking her on the sofa.
“Hey, what time is it?”
“Six. You sick?”
“No, I don’t think so, I was just tired. I’ll go jump in the shower now, it’ll only take me a minute.” That was one thing I loved about Janie, she could be ready in ten minutes and look like she just stepped on a runway. I loved it when she piled her hair up messily, leaving the dangling curls loose. I thought it was sexy as hell, of course she didn’t. She was forever buying something to get rid of the curls. I didn’t get it. I loved them.
“Where are your parents?”
“Mom’s in the office and Dad’s at the hotel, why?”
“I was just wondering.”
“Did you want to do our taxes?” she teased.
“Huh?”
She smiled, and tilted her head, “It’s what my parents have done since I caught them having sex when I was five. My dad said they were doing taxes, and they have used it ever since. If the bedroom door was shut, I knew they were doing their taxes.”
I smiled back, and kissed her fingers, right above the promise ring I gave her before I even knew what it meant. “You feel warm, are you sure you’re not sick?”
“No, I’m okay. I’ll be right back.”
Janie took two steps and stopped.
“What’s wrong?”
She looked at me funny with her hand over her chest and continued on. I waited downstairs, flipping channels and looking at the time on my phone. I wished she would hurry, I was hungry as hell. Fifteen minutes later and she still wasn’t coming.
“Blake!”
I took a deep breath and rolled my eyes, I hated when she asked my opinion on what to wear. It didn’t even matter what I said, even if I said I loved it, she would change.
“Yes. I love it. Wear that,” I said, nearing her room.
“I can’t go, I think I am sick.”
Janie wasn’t worried about her clothes; she hadn’t even made it to the shower. She was curled in a little ball, laying sideways across her bed.
“What’s wrong?” I asked, moving behind her.
She picked her head up and laid it on my arm, “I don’t know; I just don’t feel good.”
“Where don’t you feel good?”
“I don’t know, Blake. I just don’t feel good. Can’t we stay home tonight? We’ll watch a movie and get pizza or something.”
“Yeah, sure.”
“Just go. I’ll stay home. You go out.”
“No. I’m not going to go to a party that I was invited to six months ago while you’re home sick. What do you want to watch?”
“You’re such an ass. Maybe we should take a break, you know, see other people.”
“Is that what you want?”
“It sounds like that’s what you want.”
“Oh my God, Janie, when did I ever say that? I hate it when you put words in my mouth. I never said I wanted to see any other girls.”
“But you would rather go to a party than be here with me.”
“You’re sick, you’re just going to lay here all night.”
I backed away from Janie a little when the door opened.
“Are you trying to get shot?” Sarah asked.
“No, sorry,” I replied, just like I did every other time she opened the door. It wasn’t Sarah that I worried about, it was her dad and he wasn’t home.
“What are you guys doing tonight? Where are you going, who’s going to be there, and is there going to be alcohol involved?”
“I’m not going; Blake’s going to a party, and it’s a bunch of his friends, and yes, plenty of alcohol.”
I sighed, “I’m not going, Janie.”
“Why aren’t you going?” Sarah questioned.
“I don’t feel good, I just want to stay home and lay around.”
Sarah walked over and placed her hand on Janie’s forehead. “You’re warm. I’ll get you some Tylenol. Blake, why don’t you go ahead and go.”
“No, I’m not going without Janie,” I assured her. I would never hear the end of that one.
“Blake, you can go. Really. I’m not mad. I just want to crawl in bed and hangout with my mom tonight.”
I would be lying if I said I wasn’t excited. I mean, it wasn’t like I could do anything anyway. We were just going to argue because she was sick and I wanted to go out. “I feel bad.”
“Don’t. I just want my mommy, okay. You can go.”
“Are you sure?”
“Yes. I love
you. Now go. Text me later.”
“I’ll call you. I hope you feel better.”
“Thanks.”
I left, sprinting my way out to my car. A part of me was afraid she would change her mind. I should have stayed with her, I should have never left her, I’ll regret that day for the rest of my life.
By ten p.m. I was hammered. I didn’t call and check on Janie because I was too busy rubbing my crotch across Ashton’s ass. Not that it helps, but she started it and I was tanked. I didn’t fuck her, but it was pretty damn close. She was a lot more aggressive than Janie. Janie was a firecracker, but not like this. She was a lot more reserved than this.
Following me to the bathroom, Ashton pushed her way in and kissed me. My ass was shoved against the counter and her hands were on my belt. Holy shit!
“I—I’m with someone, Ashton,” I protested pulling my lips away. The first thing I thought about was Janie’s cherry lip-gloss. Ashton didn’t taste like Janie.
“I don’t expect you to go tell her, and so am I, he’s away at school. Who gives a shit? We’re here and they’re not.”
“I don’t have a condom,” I said, begging for mercy. My cock was rock hard. I couldn’t do this but I didn’t have the power to stop her. I was too curious, wondering what her larger than Janie’s breasts felt like. Were they round and perky like hers; did her nipples bead up when you touched them?
“I’m not going to fuck you, let’s just mess around. We don’t have to go that far, it’s not cheating that way.”
“Yeah, it sort of is,” I protested again, trying to will my dick to settle down. It wanted out.
“So you don’t want me to suck your dick?”
Well, hell. She just had to ask that question while in the process of springing it out and in to her hand. Two strokes of her tiny hand and I was done. A blow job wouldn’t hurt and Janie would never know. I didn’t say yes or no, I just moaned and grabbed a fist full of hair. Gathering the strands of hair, I held it in my hand and pushed her head until the head of my cock was in the back of her throat. Fuck. I slowly fucked her mouth, feeling every inch of it. Who would have known?
“Not so fast,” Ashton said, sucking hard on the head of my cock. I kept my cock in my hand, stroking it when her lips deserted it. Damn it. I wasn’t ready for her to stop.
“Your turn,” she teased, raising her skirt. Talk about brass. Janie would have never done that. Not at that time anyway. Ashton spun me around and took my position on the sink, only her legs were wide open. Fuck. I hadn’t even gone down on Janie yet. She wouldn’t let me. Not at that time…
I used my fingers first and touched her nub the way I did with Janie. Her hips didn’t jolt the way Janie’s did. I was a stupid, stupid boy. I had a beautiful hot chick in my hands and I wanted away from her. I didn’t want to slide my finger up and down her like I did with Janie and my mind couldn’t talk my fingers into sliding into her like I did Janie either. Ashton tried to move my hand on her own but that’s when I stopped. That’s when I realized I wasn’t even hard anymore. She didn’t do it. She didn’t have the power over me like Janie did.
“I’m sorry, Ashton. I can’t,” I apologized.
“Are you fucking kidding me?”
Damn, she was pissed.
“I’m sorry. I’ve got to go.”
I ran down the steps and out to my car. After pounding the hell out of my dash, I checked my phone. It was almost eleven and I hadn’t even called her. I was a horrible, horrible person. Afraid of waking her, I refrained from calling her. Instead I went home and wallowed in self-shame. How could I have let that happen?
Seven
I knew what Blake was feeling. I knew exactly what he was feeling because I blamed myself too. I blamed everyone; my mom, myself, God, the doctors, my worthless father, anyone and everyone. “You didn’t give her cancer, Blake.”
“I swore on her life one day before I was with Ashton.”
“Is that when she got sick?”
“Shortly after that.”
“Did you tell her?”
“Let’s go to sleep.”
“Okay,” I agreed. I could tell he’d had enough and I wasn’t going to push him. I loved hearing how Blake grew up for a couple of reasons; one, I loved learning about Janie, and two, I loved the fairytale. I never had that. I spent my high school years in and out of hospitals, but I did get it. It was late anyway and Pea would be bright eyed and bushy tailed by eight.
I think Blake stayed awake longer than me. His thumb was still moving back and forth on my arm when I finally dozed off. I didn’t hear anything. The next thing I knew it was morning, I was alone in bed, and Blake was gone. Rolling to my side¸ I searched for my lost phone.
“Nine o’clock?” I said to myself, sitting straight up in bed. Where was everyone? Where was Pea? She never let me sleep this long. I walked across the hall on my way to the bathroom and looked out to the living and kitchen. My smile was instant when I checked my phone and saw the Facebook notification. It disappeared when I saw that it wasn’t a goofy picture, just a message.
Blake: I’m sorry I told you that stuff last night, I shouldn’t have done that. I should have told you a happy story. I love you!
I opened up a chat, and messaged him.
Makayla: I’m glad you told me. I don’t think any less of you. You are one fuck away from being a sex addict now, I’d hate to see how you were as a seventeen year old boy. I love you too. Come home early. Maybe I’ll be that one that totally converts you.
I was surprised when I heard the reply bubbles. My dental hygiene suddenly became like Pea’s and I spit toothpaste and rinsed after one speedy brush.
Blake: I LOVE the shit out of you!!! I can’t wait to call you my wife.
Makayla: Does that mean you’re going to come home early? We miss you.
Blake: Just give me two more days. I’ll be home to put Pea to bed. I promise.
Makayla: And me?
Blake: Eh, maybe…
Makayla: You’re a dick. I’ll just use that little purple vibrating thingy.
Blake: If you use that little purple vibrating thingy without me I will kill you.
Makayla: Come home early. It’s Saturday. Please.
Blake: Please don’t make me feel guilty about this.
Makayla: I’m not trying to, I just don’t know why you have to do it right this second. Can’t me and Pea just be enough for a minute?
Blake: I thought you wanted this too? I thought you were excited about the theater and connecting it to Zazen. You sure acted excited when we talked about teaching, and all the shows we would put on. What happened to all of that enthusiasm?
Makayla: It’s there Blake, I swear, I just want to get in our house. I don’t want to live out of a laundry basket anymore. I want Pea to get settled in before she starts Kindergarten, I want to cook in my own kitchen, and I want to put my things away. I hate carrying makeup to the bathroom in a bag. That’s all it’s about Blake.
Blake: Okay. I can understand that. We’ll get furniture next week I promise. Okay?
Makayla: Okay. Come home early.
Blake: I love you.
Makayla: Grrr. I love you too.
I yawned and walked out to find Pea. She was always up by now.
“And then when I’m five I’m going to ride on a school bus.” Pea was busy coloring a very green princess in what looked to be a new coloring book. The hair was green, the dress was green, the shoes were green, the gloves were green, and the sun was well on its way to becoming green.
“Good morning,” Grace said from across the table, “you must have been tired.”
“I know, right? I didn’t hear anything. I didn’t even hear Blake get up and leave.” I kissed the top of Pea’s head and told her how pretty her picture was.
“Mikki was up late doing taxes with my dad. That’s why she sleeped a long time. Right, Mikki?”
“Slept. Yes. We were doing taxes.”
“On the couch,” she added not looking u
p from her pages.
“You did your taxes on my couch?” Grace asked.
Oh crap. She was onto the tax thing too. Was I the only one that didn’t know that doing your taxes meant something more than doing your taxes?
“Um, Blake did it,” I accused.
“Oh good lord,” Grace exclaimed, folding her paper over. I turned my red face to the coffee pot.
“So what do you want to do today, Pea?”
Change the subject; that was the best thing to do. I was going to kill Blake. He could have warned me.
“I think I’ll get my real estate license,” she decided like it was at the top on her list. I did a double take to her concentrated face at the same time Grace did. The smiles were traded when our eyes met. That’s why I loved Pea so much, only she would respond with something like that.
“I thought maybe we could go find an adventure or something. Maybe you could get your real estate license tomorrow?”
“Tomorrow’s Sunday. The license store don’t open on Sunday. I can do it the next day after that.”
“Good idea. Maybe we could go to the zoo.”
“Is there lions?”
“For sure. What do you think Grace? Want to go to the zoo with us?”
“Can’t, Sarah and I are planning a birthday party. It’s not every day you turn five, you know.” Pea looked up and smiled, she was the birthday girl turning five. I was the disappointed one who wanted to plan it. They could do, six, seven, eight, and even sixteen. I wanted to plan this one. Shoot.
“Pea, go get dressed. Wear sneakers, we’re going to be walking a lot.”
“Wait, I have to color this first.”
I sipped my coffee, thinking about how to not disappoint Grace and break the news. I didn’t want her to think I was being selfish, but she and Sarah could do it next year. Not this one.
“Done, you can hang it up now, grandma,” Pea said, sliding the green page across the table.
“Beautiful. Thank you. I’m going to hang this one in my room so I can look at it as soon as I wake up.” Pea smiled a proud smile and explained in great detail everything that she colored. Grace listened attentively, hanging onto every word.
“Pea, let’s get going. Do you want to go see the lions?”
“Do you need my car? I can have Sarah pick me up.”