“I’m going to get dressed. I’ll call Grace myself. Her cousin Sue is also her gynecologist. Don’t let her move,” Sara ordered, squeezing Barry’s shoulder on her way by.
“Does Grace have family all over Nashville?” I questioned. “Sarah, for real. I’m dead serious. I can’t do this today, but you can make the appointment. I’ll go. I promise.”
“You’ll go today. Blake can handle the furniture.”
“But I want to be there. I don’t want to miss this with them.”
“And I don’t want you to miss their tomorrow. Don’t argue with me.”
“Sarah—I. Grrr. Let me sneak out,” I begged, turning to Barry.
“No way. You’re not moving from that chair. Not until my wife is back here. You might be wise for your age, but I know Sarah. You’re not moving.”
Great. Well that plan backfired. I swear Grace was in the driveway before Sarah made it back down stairs.
“Let’s go. Dr. Bartley said to bring you right in.”
“Sarah.” My protests were ignored and it was even worse once Grace got there. I was forced in the back seat of my own vehicle. Grace wanted to drive it.
“I don’t know whether to hug you or punch you,” she questioned, shaking both my shoulders.
“You could let me go home. Please, Grace. We’re getting furniture, I’ll go tomorrow. I promise.”
“Sue doesn’t work on Fridays, she golfs. Get in.”
“I’ll go Monday.”
“You’ll go today and not think about it all weekend. I still can’t believe you didn’t tell me or Sarah.”
“This is kidnapping! You can’t force people to do things they don’t want to do.”
“You can when you love them. It’s the rules,” Grace assured me and Sarah backed it up with a nod. I banged my head off the back of the head rest, I didn’t want to go to the doctor today, or maybe that wasn’t the problem. I didn’t want to go to the doctor any day, it didn’t matter; my pleas went unheard and my pulse was felt in my chest. What if I had to go home and tell Blake bad news? I wouldn’t do it. I wouldn’t go home. I would keep going and going until I reached the end of the earth, wherever that may be.
“This car is sweet. I may have to buy the other one,” Grace decided, playing with the telescoping wheel.
“You knew? I don’t think you’re supposed to do that while you’re driving.”
“Yes, it’s in my garage.”
“You could have told me.”
“Sarah should have told Barry,” Grace said, passing the buck over to Sarah.
Because of our early arrival we parked right at the door. “This looks like a hospital, not a doctor’s office,” I said, looking up to the building. It didn’t really look like a hospital, but it was way bigger than a doctor’s office.
“That’s because there is more than one doctor in the building. Let’s go.”
“I don’t like you very much,” I declared when Sarah opened my door, “or you,” I assured Grace.
“We love you, and we’re always going to be here for you. You can come to us.”
“What if it’s real?”
“Then we’ll deal with it,” Sarah assured me.
No we wouldn’t. I wouldn’t let any of them deal with it. I really would get in my car and just keep going and going. I wouldn’t let them see that again.
Dr. Bartley met us at the door and let us in. A couple nurses were chatting and getting ready for their days, pulling charts and talking about the first appointment. I was the first appointment, the girl who almost had it all.
“Hello there. So you’re going to marry little Blakey?” she questioned. I nervously held up my ring finger. This was it. This was finally the deciding factor of my life. I would either leave here devastated or on cloud nine. Please be cloud nine. “Relax,” the doctor smiled. Yeah. Easy for you to say.
Sarah and Grace trailed right behind me. I glanced over my shoulder and decided to worry about that now too. Were they just going to sit there while I undressed? Yup. That’s exactly what they were doing. Neither one of them sat in the seats provided for family; they stood their nosey asses right by the doctor. I didn’t know if I liked having this many meddling mother’s anymore.
“How old are you?”
“I will be twenty one on the fourth.”
“Can you show me where the lump is?” she asked, handing me a stiff gown. “When was the first time you noticed it?”
I assumed I wasn’t getting the privacy normal doctors gave patients and slipped my shirt over my head and slid down the strap of my bra.
“Here,” I showed her, using my fingers. I studied her face while she lifted my arm and looked first. “Ouch,” I complained when she pressed harder than she needed to in tiny circles and then bigger ones.
“Does that hurt?”
No lady. I was just being dramatic. “A little.”
“I think you have two here. I can feel something going on a little smaller right behind this one.” Great. I was doomed for sure. “Cancer doesn’t usually hurt. My guess is Fibroadenoma, but we’ll find out for sure. Don’t worry.” Don’t worry? Really? “What form of birth control do you use?” This wasn’t a real doctor. Cancer doesn’t hurt? Was she crazy?
“I’ve been on the pill for a couple years now. I stopped taking it for a month when Blake was detained, but I got right back on it. Why?” I questioned. I knew I probably sounded silly. I was sure most women that came in her office with my problem already knew more than her. I didn’t. I didn’t research one thing. I didn’t want to know anything about it. Knowing wasn’t a cure.
“Here’s what I think,” she said, sliding down my other strap. Dr. Bartley continued to examine my breasts while she gave me her prognosis. “Without running any tests, and going by experience, I am going to say you have nothing to worry about. I’m going to get Andi to do an ultrasound and we’ll go from there. Okay?” she asked, stepping back with a smile. Moving the green gown over my exposed breasts, I nodded.
“So you’ll know today. Like right now?”
“Fibroadenoma can often be identified quiet clearly on an ultrasound. If my radiologists believes that what you have is a Fibroadenoma, that’s most likely what it is.”
“And then what?”
“There’s a couple routs we can go. We can surgically remove it, aspirate it, or watch it for six months. I’m going to say for your own peace of mind that we remove it completely. We can’t say one hundred percent sure what it is without looking at it under the microscope.”
“Yes, I agree. When can you get it out?”
The doctor snickered and smiled, “I can find out and let you know.”
“But not today?”
“Let’s do the ultrasound first. Okay?”
I nodded and took a deep breath. Here goes nothing. I was suddenly happy to have two moms there for support. They stood side by side and smiled reassuring smiles.
Andi was great. She talked to me about her four year old little boy with a gleam in her eyes while she rolled a wheel on a machine, typing in measurements. I relaxed a little with her soothing words and the innocence of a four year old. I listened while she observed the foreign object and thought about Blake and Janie in a clinic making a baby. Making Pea. That made me smile to myself and be thankful for knowing her, no matter what the outcome, I got to know and love two people that would have never come into my life had my mom and Janie not gone through what they did. They did it for Pea.
Once I was back in the room with Sarah and Grace, I paced the floor. How long did stuff like this take? Oh yeah, forever and ever. There was no ignoring the familiarity of it all. The awareness of sitting in waiting rooms and exam rooms for hours upon hours unwantedly came back to me.
“Blake called your phone; I told him we were shopping.”
“Oh Grace, what’d you tell him that for? Now he’s going to think I didn’t care about being there for the furniture. What did he say?”
“Nothing. I told him yo
u were in the dressing room trying on lingerie. He said goodbye and they were going swimming. You better take home lingerie.”
I know Grace was trying to keep me from worrying, and her attempt to be funny was appreciated. I just couldn’t laugh.
“Mikki, stop worrying. You heard Sue. She’s a lot of things, but she’s not a liar,” Grace assured me.
“Hey!” Sue snarled, joining us. That did make me laugh. “Okay, you’re fine.”
What did she say?
“Andi is sure you have Fibroadenoma. This is what I want to do, and this is totally your call, because of your age and you being on the pill, I would like to aspirate both of them now. We can do a local and I can do it right here. We’ll send it off to be tested and if things come back the way I’m sure they will, well keep an eye on it. We might want to look at a different form of birth control if it continues to be a problem.”
“Or we could just not take any form of birth control,” Sarah offered with Grace, bobbing her head up and down in agreement. I gave them both a frown.
“But you don’t think I need to do surgery and have them removed? Is that a good idea?”
“I think the biopsy will tell us everything we need to know. Sarah was just explaining your suspicions, I’m going to send for your mother and Janie Lynn’s medical records to do some research myself. If they’re accurate, your chances of breast cancer just reduced significantly. I’ll let you know what I find.”
“Really? Okay great. So what do we do now?”
“I’m going to get my anesthesiologist.”
I took the few minutes alone with Grace and Sarah to thank them, “Thanks for being here guys.”
“We wouldn’t have it any other way, but just for the record, come to us next time. Don’t keep this bottled up. Let it out,” Sarah insisted.
“Tell me you don’t already feel better?” Grace added.
“I do,” I admitted.
Grace gasped when she saw the long needle. It didn’t faze me or Sarah. I assumed we’d both seen enough of those in our day to last a life time. My mom was constantly being poked and prodded. I was sure Janie was too.
It wasn’t bad at all; a sharp pinch when the needle was being withdrawn was the worst part.
Now all I had to do was wait.
FOR FIVE DAYS!
That would be a life time for me. I promised my favorite all time doctor that I wouldn’t worry and I would go home and plan the best five year old birthday party ever. And I would.
My ride home after dropping Sarah and Grace off was spent being excited yet sad. I couldn’t help it. I still had one thing on my mind. One thing that I had to know.
“Oh, wow! I love it!” I exclaimed opening the main door. The house felt like it had a soul now; a purpose. It did have a purpose. A family purpose.
“Where were you? I was worried sick? My mom said you dropped them off at Sarah’s over an hour ago.”
“I needed a minute. Where’s Pea?” I questioned, dropping my things to the new sofa.
“Watching the big screen in the family room,” Blake smiled. Was it a happy smile? A sad smile? I wasn’t sure. Was he still pushing me away, or were we back to the pulling part?
“I want to see.” I couldn’t help but put everything aside for a minute and just take it all in. This was my house.
Pea’s feet were barely touching the reclined foot-rest her hands were over her head. I was in love with the new family room. These were my things, and this was home. I sat right beside Pea in the theater seat beside her. She turned her head and smiled, then turned it right back to the ginormous screen. Wreck it Ralph was huge. “How many more times are you going to watch this?”
“Maybe five.”
“Good number. Did you eat lunch?”
“No, my dad is making me a sandwich and I get to eat it in here and have pop too.”
“Hmm, I might need to have a talk with your dad about our pop with pizza only rule.”
“No, don’t” she begged alarmed.
I laughed and kissed her head. “I won’t this time, but there’s lots of good reasons why we don’t drink pop every day.”
“Well, don’t tell me them again, okay?”
“God, I love you.”
“Stop it, Mikki. This is my favorite part,” Pea complained when I hugged her and kissed her cheeks ten times in a row.
“I sleep in these wrappers and bundle myself up like a little homeless lady,” I chimed with Vanelope. Pea ignored me and pushed me to the side out of her view, dumping me for the cute little girl on the wall.
“Are you hungry?” Blake asked, spreading mayonnaise on a slice of bread.
“Wow, look at this table. I love it, Blake.”
“Told you I had better taste than you.”
I smiled, feeling like a weight had been shifted. It wasn’t lifted yet, but it sure as hell felt good to have it out there now. “I am hungry. I hope you’re not making that for Pea.”
“I am. Why.”
“She’ll puke.”
“Excuse me?”
“For real. If she bites into that sandwich with mayonnaise she’ll puke right there on our new chairs. She hates it”
“Okay, corn chips or pretzels?”
“Corn chips with ham, pretzels with peanut butter. Are you practicing?” I quietly asked. Blake placed Pea’s food on her plastic Peppa Pig plate and looked down.
“Do I need to be?”
I took the plate before he could get away and cut the crust off. He’d be right back if I didn’t. “I need to know something, Blake,” I dejectedly explained.
“Let me deliver my meals on wheels. I’ll be right back.”
I stepped into Blake’s positon and prepared us a sandwich too.
“It’s nice being able to sit on a stool here. I love them.”
“I don’t recall you complaining about sitting on this island the last time I ate here.”
“Shut up.”
Blake laughed and sat at the corner, “Talk to me.”
I moved a chip between my lips and sucked on the salt before crunching it, “Were you going to let me go?”
Blake didn’t need any more than that; he knew exactly what I was asking. The deep breath he took before responding broke my heart. It wasn’t the response I was hoping for.
“There’s something you need to understand.”
“No there’s not, I get it, I was there too, Blake. I’m okay with it. I get you.”
“No you don’t. I was freaking the fuck out and I knew you had to be too. But yet you wouldn’t talk to me about it. I gave you every opportunity in the world.”
“Did you, Blake? Did you really want me to tell you, or were you going to give me the easy out? Better yet, were you going to give yourself the easy out?”
“I don’t know, Makayla. The day that the doctor gave us the news that Janie was in remission was the best day of my life. We spent the next two years living. We ran away and got married, we went to Africa and built a school, we took a hot air balloon over the Grand Canyon, volunteered to clean up a cluster of towns in Iowa after a devastating flood. Everything was going great, I was at the top of the ladder, and Janie was my life. We were happy and had our entire lives ahead of us. That day destroyed me, Makayla. Absolutely destroyed me. Do you realize your face was the first one I saw after that call? Holden pretty much dumped you on me and told me to get rid of you.”
“I remember. I thought you were a freak. You held my arms and looked down at me like you were going to kill me. I was fifteen.”
“I didn’t want to kill you. I can’t explain it, I didn’t know it at the time, but something in your eyes told me you understood. I forgot all about you; I never gave you another thought after that day, but looking back now, I think you were my preview.”
“You’re preview?”
“Yeah, like you were sent there to tell me to hang in there. That you were going to save me.”
“I was there to fulfill my mother’s dying wish to tell m
y dad about me. I didn’t even know you, but you know what’s funny?”
“Enlighten me.”
“I looked into your eyes at the same time.”
“What do you mean?”
“Like you were a preview. I was there moments after Janie died and you were there within moments after my mom died. That’s fate, but I still want to know. Were you going to let me go?”
“Are you looking for a reason to go? What if I said yes?”
“I would understand.”
“No you wouldn’t. Not until you were there. Barry told me you went to see Sue. What did she say?”
“She said she thought it was nothing. Fibroadenoma. I guess a lot of girls get them at my age, and the pill seems to play a role. What do you mean by that? Not until I was there?”
“I mean turn the tables, Makayla. Would you want to take Pea and run again if you watched me fade away to nothing in front of you? I would hope you would, but you wouldn’t have to. I would never expect you to do it again. Once in a life time is enough for anyone.”
“I would do it again for you, Blake. I just want to know that I was worth fighting for. Even though I would have never stayed here and let you do it again, I need to know that I matter just as much as Janie did.”
“You stupid, stupid, girl. I never want to go through that again, and the thought of letting you go if that was what you decided, plagued me like the worse imaginable disease. I knew it would be better on all of us if you didn’t stick around for that. But I also knew I would never let you go. I love you too much to let you go it alone. I would have been there.”
“I feel like you’re only saying that because you know I am okay now.”
“Yeah? Well remember the other night when you drew all over my arm?”
“Yeah?”
My eyebrows turned in when Blake strolled toward me. “I was trying to wait for your birthday, but you keep ruining my every attempt to surprise you.” Blake slid his sleeve to his elbow and I gasped.
“Holy shit, Blake! Is that real? When did you do that?”
“Over the last three days. It’s not quite done yet. He’s going to shade in the lion more.”
I ran my hand over Blake’s forearm in shock. “You got a tattoo?”