“The truth.”
“We’ve discussed this until it’s dead. Exploded.”
When she looked at him again, he frowned at her. “No, we haven’t. We haven’t discussed this at all.”
She stared at the crushed lavender on her palm. “Perhaps I don’t wish to discuss it. There’s nothing can be done.”
“Did what happened at Wordless mean nothing to you? Is that what you’ll have me believe?”
Guilt slid down her spine, but she ignored it. “Don’t tell me what I feel. Or what I ought to do. Or think or decide about anything.” She glared at him. “I am capable of making my own decisions, you know. I think I know what will make me happy.”
He snorted, and that earned him a glare. “I demand an answer.”
His curt words got her back up. “Do you, now?”
Being Crispin, he wasn’t concerned with the sort of manners he used with Eleanor. “I do.”
“What do you expect me to do about that?” In a fit of pique, she curtseyed. “My lord.”
“Stop that. I’ve told you it’s nonsense.”
“No, it isn’t. It isn’t at all. Stop telling me it is.”
“Portia.” His attention was too much for her just now. That sort of attention. His looking at her the way he had at Wordless. “Please. Do you love him even a little? How am I to bear the thought of you marrying a man you don’t love?”
She whirled away from him and the lavender, and walked away from the tree that was her permanent farewell to Doyle’s Grange. He followed. Of course he followed. He never knew when to let well enough alone. She let out a breath. “I am weary of all this interference in my life. Yours and Eleanor’s. If it continues any longer, I swear to you, I will marry Jeremy tomorrow and you and Eleanor can go to the devil.”
“I’m not going anywhere with that woman. Besides, you can’t. The banns haven’t been read.”
She snorted. “Scotland’s not far.”
His eyes pierced her, and she was sorry she looked because she couldn’t forget the feel of him, the rightness of having her arms around him and her heart beating in her chest. He said, “You’re too young to be marrying.”
She stopped walking and stared at him, incredulous. “What?”
“You heard me.”
Laughter bubbled up and for her very life she could not keep it back. He was so ridiculously earnest. She managed to draw in a breath and suppress her mirth long enough to speak. “You ought to be mocked for uttering such an absurdity. Too young? Good heavens, you can’t be serious. I’m twenty-seven. Better if you agree with Magnus and remind me at every turn that I am on the verge of too old to be marrying.”
“You’re not too old.” He yanked his hands free of his pockets and gesticulated.
“You shan’t find an answer in the air. Nor change my mind, either, not with all the bluster in the world.”
“Bluster. I’m not blustering at you. And that isn’t what I meant at all. You’re too young to be marrying that man.”
She folded her arms underneath her bosom and gazed at him, tapping one foot on the ground. He stared at her bosom. She looked too, brushing at her bodice. “Have I got something on me?”
He lowered his voice. “Come away with me again. To Wordless. Right now.”
“No.”
“Why not?”
She pointed at the house. “Because the man I mean to marry is inside.”
“It didn’t stop you before.”
“I was upset. Not in my right mind. That shouldn’t have happened. You said so yourself.” She closed her eyes a moment and tried to put the ring of truth and conviction into her words. “It was habit. That’s all. As you said, it’s how we are. That doesn’t make it right. It doesn’t change anything.”
“Meaning?”
“I can’t stay here. I won’t stay here with all”—she waved a hand—“that. Not even for you.”
“For yourself. For God’s sake, Portia.” He ran his hands over the top of his head, leaving his hair in disarray. “I’ll speak frankly, if you don’t mind.”
“Would you?” she said with full irony. “Just this once.”
He threw one arm wide. “I thought the man was going to pull down my britches and kiss my arse.”
She took a step away from him. “You don’t have to marry him.”
“Nor do you.”
“Yes, I do.”
Crispin opened his mouth to speak and then didn’t, then blurted out, “What?”
Chapter Eleven
SHE WATCHED CRISPIN’S EYES get big, and she wasn’t sure whether to laugh at him or be insulted when she realized what he was thinking. She put her hands on his chest and gave him a push. Anger was quite useful at times. It kept her from bursting into tears. “Is that what you think of me?”
“No.”
“That I’m marrying him because of that?”
He refused to be budged. “Why else would a woman feel she has to marry a man?”
“I am not with child, Crispin Hope.” She crossed her arms over her chest.
“I didn’t say you were.”
“You thought it.” Her breath caught at the insult. “Go to hell.”
“I’m convinced I shall. Why else would you marry that arse-kissing toady?”
“He’s not.” She made fists of her hands. “Because I want to.”
“He is. Believe me, I have met my share of men like him.” He crossed his arms, and he only did it to make himself seem bigger and more powerful. Well, she wasn’t about to be cowed by him. “I don’t believe you want to marry him. Not ten seconds after I met the man I knew you couldn’t possibly be in love with him. You’re marrying him because you don’t want to be here. There, I’ve said it.”
“You certainly have.” She bit off the words.
Crispin seemed to realize he’d spoken out of turn again, for he flushed. “I won’t apologize for telling you I don’t like him. Someone needs to tell you that you can do better.”
Anger boiled up. She was speechless with it. And thank God, for she’d have said words she would surely regret.
He reached for her, but she stepped to the side, and he missed his target. “Don’t marry him. You shan’t be happy.”
She tucked her hands behind her back and cocked her head. “Will you tell me who I ought to marry? Please. I should like to know. There aren’t many eligible men here. Men I’d want to marry, and it’s been years since any unattached gentleman came to the Grange to ask my brother if an offer would be kindly received.” She rocked on her heels. “The blacksmith is handsome enough, I suppose, but he’s already got a wife. If you tell me to go to London and find a husband there, I’ll never speak to you again. You and Eleanor can dry each others’ tears over that.”
He took her by the shoulders and stared at her. “I’m serious about this. He’s not anything like your equal.”
“You are not my father. Nor are you my brother. Nor anyone else with authority over me. How dare you tell me not to marry a decent man?” She twisted away from him. “Under the circumstances, he’s the best I can do.”
“No, he isn’t.” He grabbed her upper arm and turned her to face him. “Look at me.”
She thwarted him by staring at the sky. Amid the blue, the moon was a pale crescent, washed out by the late winter sun.
“You are a stubborn, stubborn woman. Look at me.”
She did and ought not to have because the moment she did all her resentment evaporated.
“I’ve no authority over you, God knows that’s so. But who else will you trust with the truth? Your sister-in-law? Or will you tell Magnus the reason you’re marrying a man you don’t love?”
“You know I can’t.” Tears burned in her eyes, and she had to look away to keep him from seeing how close she was to tears. She couldn’t. She could not complain to her brother about his wife nor breathe a word about her unhappiness.
“Come here.” Crispin tugged on her arm and spread his other arm wide and she walked into
his arms where she had always been safe and where all was right with the world. “Tell me. You’ll feel better for it, you know you will.”
“I’ve tried to like her. I’ve tried. And I can’t.” She rested her forehead on his chest. He smelled good, and his body was warm. “She’s empty and shallow, and she loves Magnus, that’s obvious to anyone with eyes, but she doesn’t love Doyle’s Grange.” She lifted her head and Crispin used the side of his thumb to wipe away her tears. “I knew there was no hope when she didn’t laugh after Magnus told her his ridiculous joke about how it came to be called Doyle’s Grange.”
“She didn’t?”
“No. And that’s why I have to marry Jeremy.” She gripped the lapels of his coat. “I can’t stay here. I can’t. I’m not a good enough person for that. I’ll go mad if I stay, and if I don’t go mad, then one day I’ll say something to her I shouldn’t, and Magnus must take her side.”
Crispin stroked a hand over her head. “But him?” He spoke in a low voice. “The man’s not worthy of you.”
“You don’t know that.” She pushed away from him. “I shouldn’t have said anything.”
He followed her to the very rear of the lawn but needed another step to come even. They were off the path, both of them moving quickly.
She spoke before he’d caught up. “Magnus likes him.”
“Magnus tolerates him because he thinks you love the man.”
She put out a hand to slow him down. “Oh, do watch where you put your feet. You’ll step—”
“What?”
She stopped walking. But Crispin, being a tall man and in the middle of a step, moved those few inches more. She cried out. Too late. His foot came down on the grass. “Look what you’ve done.”
“What? What have I done?” He followed her downward glance with a puzzled expression.
“You’ve killed it.” Tears burned in her eyes and choked off her words until she managed to swallow. “There’s little enough beauty here anymore. Eleanor is determined to ruin it all, and now you’re destroying what’s left for me to enjoy. There’s nothing else here I love. Not any more.”
“I’m sorry.” It was plain he’d no idea what he’d done. None at all.
“You’re not.” She stared at the crocus that he’d smashed into the dirt, and all she could see was her future if she stayed. She knelt by the flattened plant. “You’re not sorry at all. Don’t pretend you are. This one’s managed to escape her and now you’ve crushed it, and it’s dead.”
Crispin crouched across from her and pushed away her hand. He built up a wall of mud and propped the flower on it. “There. Perhaps like the rowan it will recover with some benign neglect.”
“It won’t.” Those were tears thickening her voice, but she met his gaze head on. “If it survives the day, Eleanor will find it, and she’ll tell Hob to dig it up. If she doesn’t kill it with her own bare hands. That’s all she ever does, murder what I love and all the time she makes it impossible to be angry at her.”
He frowned at the mud on his gloves. With a hard sigh, he pulled them off and dropped them in his coat pocket. Then, both of them still bent over the plant, he tapped the underside of her chin. “I’m sorry I was clumsy and trod on your flower. I’m sorry Eleanor digs them up.” He took her hand and brought her to her feet. “I’m an oaf. I don’t watch where I put my feet. And now I’ve made you unhappy when that’s the last thing I meant to do. Listen to me.” He grabbed her by the shoulders again, and she looked at him through a blur of tears. “I’ll have the groundskeeper plant a hundred of them at Wordless. You can go there every day to see them. She won’t be able to ruin them for you there.”
Her chest was stuffed full of feelings, and she could not contain them all. “A hundred isn’t enough.”
“A thousand then.” With her hand still in his, he walked them toward the rear of the house.
“It’s too late for that, Crispin. I’ll soon be living too far away to walk to Wordless.”
His mouth thinned. “Then you can bloody well live at Wordless. I don’t mind if you do. I’m never there. Why oughtn’t you?”
“Because then everyone will think I’m your lover, that’s why.”
“It wouldn’t be true.”
Emptiness settled in her belly and made everything familiar and dear seem unfamiliar, from Doyle’s Grange to Crispin to her future life. “You’ve not changed a bit, have you? Still full of grand and impossible ideas. I might as well make my home in the clouds as live at Wordless.”
He cupped her face and brushed his thumbs across her cheeks and when he did that and looked at her the way he was now, the world with all its troubles dropped away. When he touched her like that, she believed she could live in a castle in the sky.
“Do you feel that?” he whispered. “Whenever I touch you there’s nothing but that heat.”
“I cannot live on that.”
“He’s not your equal.”
She blinked several times, but the heat coursing through her stayed. “Of course he is.”
“He’s not.” He dipped his head and for a breathless moment, she thought he meant to kiss her. She could no more deny the passion between them than she could deny herself air. He moved his finger again. “You’re cold.”
She drew her head back, and his finger slipped away. “Your hands are warm.”
“You’ve made up your mind, haven’t you?”
She nodded.
“Nothing will shake your conviction that he’s more than he is?”
“He’s what I need him to be.”
He shook his head. “Don’t. It’s a mistake. Don’t marry just to get away. I, of all people, know what a mistake that is.”
She swallowed hard. “I can’t stay here. I can’t.”
“Not even if it’s good sense? You’re running from a bad situation into a worse one, and it’s one you can’t take back when the hard light of reason proves your mistake.” He kept his voice low. “I promise you, there’s nothing worse than to marry where there is no love.”
“She’s ruined Doyle’s Grange for me. Ruined it.”
“He’s a belly on him and only half a head of hair. No doubt he’s losing his hearing.” He checked himself and after a glance at the house, lowered his voice. “Do you want to spend the best years of your life shouting at a fat old man who probably never read a novel in his life? And if he did, he’d not think it grand.”
While they stood here, the clouds had gotten thicker and darker and the air colder. She grasped his hand and pressed it. “He likes me, with my red hair and despite all my faults.”
“Is he marrying a wife or a nurse for his mother?”
“That’s uncalled for.”
“It’s entirely called for.”
She recognized that mulish look. “You’ve never had to do without something you want, let alone something you need.”
His eyes widened. “The hell I haven’t.”
“You? With ten thousand a month and houses all over England? He is a decent man. We understand one another.”
“Don’t attempt to tell me you love that man. I know what you look like when you’re in love.”
“It won’t be the way you and I were.” Her heart cracked open, irreparably broken, and there was just no way to repair the damage she’d done. “Not that kind of love, but then Jeremy and I are not young and foolish or in love for the first time. I dare say we’ll get on quite well. I know we shall.” She walked away from him. The chickens had been let out and a few of the hens scattered as she and Crispin approached the back gate. “Besides,” she said when he was next to her again. “He’s no objection to me, not even at my advanced age.”
His face emptied of emotion. “Marry me instead.”
“You don’t want that.”
She knew from experience that Crispin, when angry, turned quiet. His gaze was quite capable of freezing one to death with a glance. No doubt he’d learned that from his father. He went silent long enough to tie her stomach in knots.
She waited him out and won that contest, for he spoke in a low, tight, voice. “Have you more to say about how I think or feel?”
“You’ll always resent me for what happened, for the choice I made. You were steadfast, and I was not.”
“I don’t blame you. Not for what my father did to you. To us.”
“You haven’t forgiven me.”
“You willfully misunderstand.” He touched her arm, and she flinched. “It’s not I who hasn’t forgiven. It’s you.”
Her mouth gaped. “I do not blame you. Not for your father, that’s hardly your fault, and not for anything else.”
“You can’t forgive yourself.”
She drew in a stuttering breath. “What sort of person would I be if I did?”
“The woman I used to love.”
“I’m not that woman. Don’t you see? There’s no repairing what happened. I’m broken. Nothing will ever fix that.”
Chapter Twelve
The following day
NORTHWORD LEANED FORWARD on the chair he’d brought next to Magnus’s and breathed in the scent of the beer that filled his mug. They were in Magnus’s office, sitting on chairs drawn up to the fireplace. It was just after one, and the remains of their luncheon were on the table by the door. That arse-kissing toady Jeremy Stewart had driven his mother, Eleanor, and Portia to Aubry Sock for tea. They weren’t expected back for another three hours at least. That left him and Magnus with the house to themselves. They were taking full advantage.
He reached behind him and flipped open the box of cigars on the table. He gave Magnus cigars whenever they saw each other. Northword fished out two and handed one over before he hefted his mug. “Good friends and happy marriages.” He did not intend for his toast to extend to Portia and that prick Jeremy Stewart, so when Magnus raised his glass he narrowed the scope of his words. “To you and Eleanor.”