"I always tell you what I'm really thinking."
"You edit."
Her teeth pressed into her lip again. She didn't seem to notice when she did this--it was an unconscious response to tension. "Not very much."
Just those words were enough to have my curiosity raging. What did she purposefully keep from me?
"Enough to drive me insane," I said.
She hesitated, and then whispered, "You don't want to hear it."
I had to think for a moment, run through our entire conversation last night, word for word, before I made the connection. Perhaps it took so much concentration because I couldn't imagine anything that I wouldn't want her to say to me. And then--because the tone of her voice was the same as last night; there was suddenly pain there again--I remembered. Once, I had asked her not to speak her thoughts. Never say that, I'd all but snarled at her. I had made her cry...
Was this what she kept from me? The depth of her feelings about me? That my being a monster didn't matter to her, and that she thought it was too late for her to change her mind?
I was unable to speak, because the joy and pain were too strong for words, the conflict between them too wild to allow for a coherent response. It was silent in the car except for the steady rhythms of her heart and lungs.
"Where's the rest of your family?" she asked suddenly.
I took a deep breath--registering the scent in the car with true pain for the first time; I was getting used to this, I realized with satisfaction--and forced myself to be casual again.
"They took Rosalie's car." I parked in the open spot next to the car in question. I hid my smile as I watched her eyes widen. "Ostentatious, isn't it?"
"Um, wow. If she has that, why does she ride with you?"
Rosalie would have enjoyed Bella's reaction...if she were being objective about Bella, which probably wouldn't happen.
"Like I said, it's ostentatious. We try to blend in."
"You don't succeed," she told me, and then she laughed a carefree laugh.
The blithe, wholly untroubled sound of her laughter warmed my hollow chest even as it made my head swim with doubt.
"So why did Rosalie drive today if it's more conspicuous?" she wondered.
"Hadn't you noticed? I'm breaking all the rules now."
My answer should have been mildly frightening--so, of course, Bella smiled at it.
She didn't wait for me to open her door, just like last night. I had to feign normality here at school--so I couldn't move fast enough to prevent this--but she was just going to have to get used to being treated with more courtesy, and get used to it soon.
I walked as close to her as I dared, watching carefully for any sign that my proximity upset her. Twice her hand twitched toward me and then she would snatch it back. It looked like she wanted to touch me... My breath sped.
"Why do you have cars like that at all? If you're looking for privacy?" she asked as we walked.
"An indulgence," I admitted. "We all like to drive fast."
"Figures," she mumbled, her tone sour.
She didn't look up to see my answering grin.
Nuh-uh! I don't believe this! How the hell did Bella pull this off? I don't get it! Why?
Jessica's mental boggling interrupted my thoughts. She was waiting for Bella, taking refuge from the rain under the edge of the cafeteria's roof, with Bella's winter jacket over her arm. Her eyes were wide with disbelief.
Bella noticed her, too, in the next moment. A faint pink touched her cheek when Bella registered Jessica's expression. The thoughts in Jessica's head were fairly clear on her face.
"Hey, Jessica. Thanks for remembering," Bella greeted her. She reached out for the jacket and Jessica handed it to her wordlessly.
I should be polite to Bella's friends, whether they were good friends or not. "Good morning, Jessica."
Whoa...
Jessica's eyes popped even wider. It was strange and amusing...and, honestly, a bit embarrassing...to realize how much being near Bella had softened me. It seemed like no one was afraid of me any more. If Emmett found out about this, he would be laughing for the next century.
"Er...hi," Jessica mumbled, and her eyes flashed to Bella's face, full of significance. "I guess I'll see you in Trig."
You are so going to spill. I'm not taking no for an answer. Details. I have to have details! Edward freaking CULLEN!! Life is so unfair.
Bella's mouth twitched. "Yeah, I'll see you then."
Jessica's thoughts ran wild as she hurried to her first class, peeking back at us now and then.
The whole story. I'm not accepting anything less. Did they plan to meet up last night? Are they dating? How long? How could she keep this a secret? Why would she want to? It can't be a casual thing--she has to be seriously into him. Is there any other option? I will find out. I can't stand not knowing. I wonder if she's made out with him? Oh, swoon... Jessica's thoughts were suddenly disjointed, and she let wordless fantasies swirl through her head. I winced at her speculations, and not just because she'd replaced Bella with herself in the mental pictures.
It couldn't be like that. And yet I...1 wanted...
I resisted making the admission, even to myself. How many wrong ways would I want Bella in? Which one would end up killing her?
I shook my head, and tried to lighten up.
"What are you going to tell her?" I asked Bella.
"Hey!" she whispered fiercely. "I thought you couldn't read my mind!"
"I can't." I stared at her, surprised, trying to make sense of her words. Ah--we must have been thinking the same thing at the same time. Hmm...1 rather liked that. "However," I told her, "I can read hers--she'll be waiting to ambush you in class."
Bella groaned, and then let the jacket slide off her shoulders. I didn't realize that she was giving it back at first--I wouldn't have asked for it; I would rather she kept it...a token--so I was too slow to offer her my help. She handed me the jacket, and put her arms through her own, without looking up to see that my hands were extended to assist. I frowned at that, and then controlled my expression before she noticed it.
"So, what are you going to tell her?" I pressed.
"A little help? What does she want to know?"
I smiled, and shook my head. I wanted to hear what she was thinking without a prompt. "That's not fair."
Her eyes tightened. "No, you not sharing what you know--now that's unfair."
Right--she didn't like double standards.
We got to the door of her class--where I would have to leave her; I wondered idly if Ms. Cope would be more accommodating about a switch in the schedule of my English class... I made myself focus. I could be fair.
"She wants to know if we're secretly dating," I said slowly. "And she wants to know how you feel about me."
Her eyes were wide--not startled, but ingenious now. They were open to me, readable. She was playing innocent.
"Yikes," she murmured. "What should I say?"
"Hmmm." She always tried to make me give away more than she did. I pondered how to respond.
A wayward strand of her hair, slightly damp from the fog, draped across her shoulder and curled around where her collar bone was hidden by the ridiculous sweater. It drew my eyes...pulled them across the other hidden lines...
I reached for it carefully, not touching her skin--the morning was chill enough without my touch--and twisted it back into place in her untidy bun so that it wouldn't distract me again. I remembered when Mike Newton had touched her hair, and my jaw flexed at the memory. She had flinched away from him then. Her reaction now was nothing the same; instead, there was a slight widening of her eyes, a rush of blood under her skin, and a sudden, uneven thumping of her heart.
I tried to hide my smile as I answered her question.
"I suppose you could say yes to the first...if you don't mind--," her choice, always her choice, "--it's easier than any other explanation."
"I don't mind," she whispered. Her heart had not found its normal rhythm yet.
"And as for her other question..." I couldn't hide my smile now. "Well, I'll be listening to hear the answer to that one myself."
Let Bella consider that. I held back my laugh as shock crossed her face.
I turned quickly, before she could ask for any more answers. I had a difficult time not giving her whatever she asked for. And I wanted to hear her thoughts, not mine.
"I'll see you at lunch," I called back to her over my shoulder, an excuse to check that she was still staring after me, wide-eyed. Her mouth was hanging open. I turned away again, and laughed.
As I paced away, I was vaguely aware of the shocked and speculative thoughts that swirled around me--eyes bouncing back and forth between Bella's face and my retreating figure. I paid them little attention. I couldn't concentrate. It was hard enough to keep my feet moving at an acceptable speed as I crossed the soggy grass to my next class. I wanted to run--really run, so fast that I would disappear, so fast that it would feel like I was flying. Part of me was flying already.
I put the jacket on when I got to class, letting her fragrance swim thick around me. I would burn now--let the scent desensitize me--and then it would be easier to ignore it later, when I was with her again at lunch...
It was a good thing that my teachers no longer bothered to call on me. Today might have been the day that they would have caught me out, unprepared and answerless. My mind was in so many places this morning; only my body was in the classroom.
Of course I was watching Bella. That was becoming natural--as automatic as breathing. I heard her conversation with a demoralized Mike Newton. She quickly directed the conversation to Jessica, and I grinned so wide that Rob Sawyer, who sat at the desk to my right, flinched visibly and slid deeper into his seat, away from me.
Ugh. Creepy.
Well, I hadn't lost it entirely.
I was also monitoring Jessica loosely, watching her refine her questions for Bella. I could barely wait for fourth period, ten times as eager and anxious as the curious human girl who wanted fresh gossip.
And I was also listening to Angela Weber.
I had not forgotten the gratitude I felt to her--for thinking nothing but kind things toward Bella in the first place, and then for her help last night. So I waited through the morning, looking for something that she wanted. I assumed it would be an easy; like any other human, there must be some bauble or toy she wanted particularly. Several, probably. I would deliver something anonymously and call us even.
But Angela proved almost as unaccommodating as Bella with her thoughts. She was oddly content for a teenager. Happy. Perhaps this was the reason for her unusual kindness--she was one of those rare people who had what they wanted and wanted what they had. If she wasn't paying attention to her teachers and her notes, she was thinking of the twin little brothers she was taking to the beach this weekend--anticipating their excitement with an almost maternal pleasure. She cared for them often, but was not resentful of this fact... It was very sweet.
But not really helpful to me.
There had to be something she wanted. I would just have to keep looking. But later. It was time for Bella's trig class with Jessica.
I wasn't watching where I was going as I made my way to English. Jessica was already in her seat, both her feet tapping impatiently against the floor as she waited for Bella to arrive.
Conversely, once I settled into my assigned seat in the classroom, I became utterly still. I had to remind myself to fidget now and then. To keep up the charade. It was difficult, my thoughts were so focused on Jessica's. I hoped she would pay attention, really try to read Bella's face for me.
Jessica's tapping intensified when Bella walked into the room.
She looks...glum. Why? Maybe there's nothing going on with Edward Cullen. That would be a disappointment. Except...then he's still available... If he's suddenly interested in dating, I don't mind helping out with that...
Bella's face didn't look glum, it looked reluctant. She was worried--she knew I would hear all of this. I smiled to myself.
"Tell me everything!" Jess demanded while Bella was still removing her jacket to hang it on the back of her seat. She was moving with deliberation, unwilling.
Ugh, she's so slow. Let's get to the juicy stuff!
"What do you want to know? " Bella stalled as she took her seat.
"What happened last night? "
"He bought me dinner, and then he drove me home."
And then? C'mon, there has to be more than that! She's lying anyway, I know that. I'm going to call her on it.
"How did you get home so fast? "
I watched Bella roll her eyes at the suspicious Jessica.
"He drives like a maniac. It was terrifying. "
She smiled a tiny smile, and I laughed out loud, interrupting Mr. Mason's announcements. I tried to turn the laugh into a cough, but no one was fooled. Mr. Mason shot me an irritated look, but I didn't even bother to listen to the thought behind it. I was hearing Jessica.
Huh. She sounds like she's telling the truth. Why is she making me pull this out of her, word by word? I would be bragging at the top of my lungs if it were me.
"Was it like a date--did you tell him to meet you there? "
Jessica watched surprise cross Bella's expression, and was disappointed at how genuine it seemed.
"No--I was very surprised to see him there," Bella told her.
What is going on?? "But he picked you up for school today? "There has to be more to the story.
"Yes--that was a surprise, too. He noticed I didn't have a jacket last night. "
That's not very much fun, Jessica thought, disappointed again.
I was tired of her line of questioning--I wanted to hear something I didn't already know. I hoped she wasn't so dissatisfied that she would skip the questions I was waiting for.
"So are you going out again? " Jessica demanded.
"He offered to drive me to Seattle Saturday because he thinks my truck isn't up to it--does that count? "
Hmm. He sure is going out of his way to...well, take care of her, sort of. There must be something there on his side, if not on hers. How could THAT be? Bella's crazy.
"Yes, " Jessica answered Bella's question.
"Well, then," Bella concluded. "Yes."
"Wow...Edward Cullen. "Whether she likes him or not, this is major.
"I know, " Bella sighed.
The tone of her voice encouraged Jessica. Finally--she sounds like she gets it! She must realize...
"Wait!" Jessica said, suddenly remembering her most vital question. "Has he kissed you? "Please say yes. And then describe every second!
"No," Bella mumbled, and then she looked down at her hands, her face falling. "It's not like that."
Damn. I wish... Ha. Looks like she does to.
I frowned. Bella did look upset about something, but it couldn't be disappointment like Jessica assumed. She couldn't want that. Not knowing what she knew. She couldn't want to be that close to my teeth. For all she knew, I had fangs.
I shuddered.
"Do you think Saturday...?" Jessica prodded.
Bella looked even more frustrated as she said, "I really doubt it."
Yeah, she does wish. That sucks for her.
Was it because I was watching all this through the filter of Jessica's perceptions that it seemed like Jessica was right?
For a half-second I was distracted by the idea, the impossibility, of what it would be like to try to kiss her. My lips to her lips, cold stone to warm, yielding silk...
And then she dies.
I shook my head, wincing, and made myself pay attention.
"What did you talk about? " Did you talk to him, or did you make him drag every ounce of information out of you like this?
I smiled ruefully. Jessica wasn't far off.
"I don't know, Jess, lots of stuff. We talked about the English essay a little."
A very little. I smiled wider.
Oh, c 'MON. "Please, Bella! Give me some details
. "
Bella deliberated for a moment.
"Well...okay, I've got one. You should have seen the waitress flirting with him-- it was over the top. But he didn't pay any attention to her at all."
What a strange detail to share. I was surprised Bella had even noticed. It seemed a very inconsequential thing.
Interesting... "That's a good sign. Was she pretty? "
Hmm. Jessica thought more of it that I did. Must be a female thing.
"Very, " Bella told her. "And probably nineteen or twenty."
Jessica was momentarily distracted by a memory of Mike on her date Monday night--Mike being a little too friendly with a waitress who Jessica did not consider pretty at all. She shoved the memory away and returned, stifling her irritation, to her quest for details.
"Even better. He must like you."
"I think so," Bella said slowly, and I was on the edge of my seat, my body rigidly still. "But it's hard to tell. He's always so cryptic. "
I must not have been as transparently obvious and out of control as I'd thought. Still...observant as she was... How could she not realize that I was in love with her? I sifted through our conversation, almost surprised that I hadn't said the words out loud. It had felt like that knowledge had been the subtext of every word between us.
Wow. How do you sit there across from a male model and make conversation? "I don't know how you're brave enough to be alone with him, " Jessica said.
Shock flashed across Bella's face. "Why? "
Weird reaction. What does she think I meant? "He's so..." What's the right word? "Intimidating. I wouldn't know what to say to him. "I couldn't even speak English to him today, and all he said was good morning. I must have sounded like such an idiot.
Bella smiled. "I do have some trouble with incoherency when I'm around him."
She must be trying to make Jessica feel better. She was almost unnaturally self-possessed when we were together.
"Oh well," Jessica sighed. "He is unbelievably gorgeous. "
Bella's face was suddenly colder. Her eyes flashed the same way they did when she resented some injustice. Jessica didn't process the change in her expression.
"There's a lot more to him than that, " Bella snapped.
Oooh. Now we're getting somewhere. "Really? Like what? "
Bella gnawed her lip for a moment. "I can't explain it right," she finally said. "But he's even more unbelievable behind the face. " She looked away from Jessica, her eyes slightly unfocused as if she was staring at something very far away.