"What kind of car is that?" she wondered.
"An M3."
She frowned. "I don't speak Car and Driver."
"It's a BMW." I rolled my eyes and then focused on backing out without running anyone down. I had to lock eyes with a few boys that didn't seem willing to move out of my way. A half-second meeting my gaze seemed to be enough to convince them.
"Are you still angry?" I asked her. Her frown had relaxed.
"Definitely," she answered curtly.
I sighed. Maybe I shouldn't have brought it up. Oh well. I could try to make amends, I supposed. "Will you forgive me if I apologize?"
She thought about that for a moment. "Maybe...if you mean it," she decided. "And if you promise not to do it again."
I wasn't going to lie to her, and there was no way I was agreeing to that. Perhaps if I offered her a different exchange.
"How about if I mean it, and I agree to let you drive this Saturday?" I cringed internally at the thought.
The furrow popped into existence between her eyes as she considered the new bargain. "Deal," she said after a moment of thought.
Now for my apology... I'd never tried to dazzle Bella on purpose before, but now seemed like a good time. I stared deep into her eyes as I drove away from the school, wondering if I was doing it right. I used my most persuasive tone.
"Then I'm very sorry I upset you."
Her heartbeat thudded louder than before, and the rhythm was abruptly staccato. Her eyes widened, looking a little stunned.
I half-smiled. It seemed like I'd gotten it right. Of course, I was having a bit of difficulty looking away from her eyes, too. Equally dazzled. It was a good thing I had this road memorized.
"And I'll be on your doorstep bright and early Saturday morning," I added, finishing the agreement.
She blinked swiftly, shaking her head as if to clear it. "Um," she said, "it doesn't help with the Charlie situation if an unexplained Volvo is left in the driveway."
Ah, how little she still knew me. "I wasn't intending to bring a car."
"How--" she started to ask.
I interrupted her. The answer would be hard to explain without a demonstration, and now was hardly the time. "Don't worry about it. I'll be there, no car."
She put her head on one side, and looked for a second like she was going to press for more, but then she seemed to change her mind.
"Is it later yet?" she asked, reminding me of our unfinished conversation in the cafeteria today; she'd let go of one difficult question just to return another that was more unappealing.
"I suppose it is later," I agreed unwillingly.
I parked in front of her house, tensing as I tried to think of how to explain...without making my monstrous nature too evident, without frightening her again. Or was that wrong? To minimalize my darkness?
She waited with the same politely interested mask she'd worn at lunch. If I'd been less anxious, her preposterous calm would have made me laugh.
"And you still want to know why you can't see me hunt?" I asked.
"Well, mostly I was wondering about your reaction," she said.
"Did I frighten you?" I asked, positive that she would deny it.
"No."
I tried not to smile, and failed. "I apologize for scaring you." And then my smile vanished with the momentary humor. "It was just the very thought of you being there...while we hunted."
"That would be bad?"
The mental picture was too much--Bella, so vulnerable in the empty darkness; myself, out of control... I tried to banish it from my head. "Extremely."
"Because...?"
I took a deep breath, concentrating for one moment on the burning thirst. Feeling it, managing it, proving my dominion over it. It would never control me again--I willed that to be true. I would be safe for her. I stared at the welcome clouds without seeing them, wishing I could believe that my determination would make any difference if I were hunting when I crossed her scent.
"When we hunt...we give ourselves over to our senses," I told her, thinking through each word before I spoke it. "Govern less with our minds. Especially our sense of smell. If you were anywhere near me when I lost control that way..."
I shook my head in agony at the thought of what would--not what could, but what would--surely happen then.
I listened to the spike in her heartbeat, and then turned, restless, to read her eyes.
Bella's face was composed, her eyes grave. Her mouth was pursed just slightly in what I guessed was concern. But concern for what? Her own safety? Or my anguish? I continued to stare at her, trying to translate her ambiguous expression into sure fact.
She gazed back. Her eyes grew wider after a moment, and her pupils dilated, though the light had not changed.
My breathing accelerated, and suddenly the quiet in the car seemed to be humming, just like in the darkened biology room this afternoon. The pulsing current raced between us again, and my desire to touch her was, briefly, stronger even than the demands of my thirst.
The throbbing electricity made it feel like I had a pulse again. My body sang with it. Like I was human. More than anything in the world, I wanted to feel the heat of her lips against mine. For one second, I struggled desperately to find the strength, the control, to able to put my mouth so close to her skin...
She sucked in a ragged breath, and only then did I realize that when I had started breathing faster, she had stopped breathing altogether.
I closed my eyes, trying to break the connection between us.
No more mistakes.
Bella's existence was tied to a thousand delicately balanced chemical processes, all so easily disrupted. The rhythmic expansion of her lungs, the flow of oxygen, was life or death to her. The fluttering cadence of her fragile heart could be stopped by so many stupid accidents or illnesses or...by me.
I did not believe that any member of my family would hesitate if he or she were offered a chance back--if he or she could trade immortality for mortality again. Any one of us would stand in fire for it. Burn for as many days or centuries as were necessary.
Most of our kind prized immortality above anything else. There were even humans who craved this, who searched in dark places for those who could give them the blackest of gifts...
Not us. Not my family. We would trade anything to be human.
But none of us had ever been as desperate for a way back as I was now.
I stared at the microscopic pits and flaws in the windshield, like there was some solution hidden in the glass. The electricity had not faded, and I had to concentrate to keep my hands on the wheel.
My right hand began to sting without pain again, from when I'd touched her before.
"Bella, I think you should go inside now."
She obeyed at once, without comment, getting out of the car and shutting the door behind herself. Did she feel the potential for disaster as clearly as I did?
Did it hurt her to leave, as it hurt me to let her go? The only solace was that I would see her soon. Sooner than she would see me. I smiled at that, then rolled the window down and leaned across to speak to her one more time--it was safer now, with the heat of her body outside the car.
She turned to see what I wanted, curious.
Still curious, though she'd asked me so many questions today. My own curiosity was entirely unsatisfied; answering her questions today had only revealed my secrets-- I'd gotten little from her but my own conjectures. That wasn't fair.
"Oh, Bella?"
"Yes?"
"Tomorrow it's my turn."
Her forehead puckered. "Your turn to what?"
"Ask the questions." Tomorrow, when we were in a safer place, surrounded by witnesses, I would get my own answers. I grinned at the thought, and then I turned away because she made no move to leave. Even with her outside of the car, the echo of the electricity zinged in the air. I wanted to get out, too, to walk her to her door as an excuse to stay beside her...
No more mistakes. I hit the gas, and then
sighed as she disappeared behind me. It seemed like I was always running toward Bella or running away from her, never staying in place. I would have to find some way to hold my ground if we were ever going to have any peace.
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Stephenie Meyer, Midnight Sun
(Series: Twilight # 1.50)
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