The office was empty except for the secretary, the one I wanted to see.
She didn't notice my silent entrance.
"Mrs. Cope?"
The woman with the unnaturally red hair looked up and her eyes widened. It always caught them off guard, the little markers they didn't understand, no matter how many times they'd seen one of us before.
"Oh," she gasped, a little flustered. She smoothed her shirt. Silly, she thought to herself. He's almost young enough to be my son. Too young to think of that way... "Hello, Edward. What can I do for you?" Her eyelashes fluttered behind her thick glasses.
Uncomfortable. But I knew how to be charming when I wanted to be. It was easy, since I was able to know instantly how any tone or gesture was taken.
I leaned forward, meeting her gaze as if I were staring deeply into her depthless, small brown eyes. Her thoughts were already in a flutter. This should be simple.
"I was wondering if you could help me with my schedule," I said in the soft voice I reserved for not scaring humans.
I heard the tempo of her heart increase.
"Of course, Edward. How can I help?" Too young, too young, she chanted to herself. Wrong, of course. I was older than her grandfather. But according to my driver's license, she was right.
"I was wondering if I could move from my biology class to a senior level science? Physics, perhaps?"
"It there a problem with Mr. Banner, Edward?"
"Not at all, it's just that I've already studied this material..."
"In that accelerated school you all went to in Alaska, right." Her thin lips pursed as she considered this. They should all be in college. I've heard the teachers complain. Perfect four point ohs, never a hesitation with a response, never a wrong answer on a test--like they've found some way to cheat in every subject. Mr. Varner would rather believe that anyone was cheating than think a student was smarter than him... I'll bet their mother tutors them... "Actually, Edward, physics is pretty much full right now. Mr. Banner hates to have more than twenty-five students in a class--"
"I wouldn't be any trouble."
Of course not. Not a perfect Cullen. "I know that, Edward. But there just aren't enough seats as it is__"
"Could I drop the class, then? I could use the period for independent study."
"Drop biology?" He mouth fell open. That's crazy. How hard is it to sit through a subject you already know? There must be a problem with Mr. Banner. I wonder if I should talk to Bob about it? "You won't have enough credits to graduate."
"I'll catch up next year."
"Maybe you should talk to your parents about that."
The door opened behind me, but who ever it was did not think of me, so I ignored the arrival and concentrated on Mrs. Cope. I leaned slightly closer, and held my eyes a little wider. This would work better if they were gold instead of black. The blackness frightened people, as it should.
"Please, Mrs. Cope?" I made my voice as smooth and compelling as it could be-- and it could be considerably compelling. "Isn't there some other section I could switch to? I'm sure there has to be an open slot somewhere? Sixth hour biology can't be the only option..."
I smiled at her, careful not to flash my teeth so widely that it would scare her, letting the expression soften my face.
Her heart drummed faster. Too young, she reminded herself frantically. "Well, maybe I could talk to Bob--I mean Mr. Banner. I could see if--"
A second was all it took to change everything: the atmosphere in the room, my mission here, the reason I leaned toward the red-haired woman... What had been for one purpose before was now for another.
A second was all it took for Samantha Wells to open the door and place a signed tardy slip in the basket by the door, and hurry out again, in a rush to be away from school. A second was all it took for the sudden gust of wind through the open door to crash into me. A second was all it took for me to realize why that first person through the door had not interrupted me with her thoughts.
I turned, though I did not need to make sure. I turned slowly, fighting to control the muscles that rebelled against me.
Bella Swan stood with her back pressed to the wall beside the door, a piece of paper clutched in her hands. Her eyes were even wider than usual as she took in my ferocious, inhuman glare.
The smell of her blood saturated every particle of air in the tiny, hot room. My throat burst into flames.
The monster glared back at me from the mirror of her eyes again, a mask of evil.
My hand hesitated in the air above the counter. I would not have to look back in order to reach across it and slam Mrs. Cope's head into her desk with enough force to kill her. Two lives, rather than twenty. A trade.
The monster waited anxiously, hungrily, for me to do it.
But there was always a choice--there had to be.
I cut off the motion of my lungs, and fixed Carlisle's face in front of my eyes. I turned back to face Mrs. Cope, and heard her internal surprise at the change in my expression. She shrank away from me, but her fear did not form into coherent words.
Using all the control I'd mastered in my decades of self-denial, I made my voice even and smooth. There was just enough air left in my lungs to speak once more, rushing through the words.
"Nevermind, then. I can see that it's impossible. Thank you so much for your help."
I spun and launched myself from the room, trying not to feel the warm-blooded heat of the girl's body as I passed within inches of it.
I didn't stop until I was in my car, moving too fast the entire way there. Most of the humans had cleared out already, so there weren't a lot of witnesses. I heard a sophomore, D. J. Garrett, notice, and then disregard...
Where did Cullen come from--it was like he just came out of thin air... There I go, with the imagination again. Mom always says...
When I slid into my Volvo, the others were already there. I tried to control my breathing, but I was gasping at the fresh air like I'd been suffocated.
"Edward?" Alice asked, alarm in her voice.
I just shook my head at her.
"What the hell happened to you?" Emmett demanded, distracted, for the moment, from the fact that Jasper was not in the mood for his rematch.
Instead of answering, I threw the car into reverse. I had to get out of this lot before Bella Swan could follow me here, too. My own person demon, haunting me... I swung the car around and accelerated. I hit forty before I was on the road. On the road, I hit seventy before I made the corner.
Without looking, I knew that Emmett, Rosalie and Jasper had all turned to stare at Alice. She shrugged. She couldn't see what had passed, only what was coming.
She looked ahead for me now. We both processed what she saw in her head, and we were both surprised.
"You're leaving?" she whispered.
The others stared at me now.
"Am I?" I hissed through my teeth.
She saw it then, as my resolve wavered and another choice spun my future in a darker direction.
"Oh."
Bella Swan, dead. My eyes, glowing crimson with fresh blood. The search that would follow. The careful time we would wait before it was safe for us to pull out and start again...
"Oh," she said again. The picture grew more specific. I saw the inside of Chief Swan's house for the first time, saw Bella in a small kitchen with the yellow cupboards, her back to me as I stalked her from the shadows...let the scent pull me toward her...
"Stop!" I groaned, not able to bear more.
"Sony," she whispered, her eyes wide.
The monster rejoiced.
And the vision in her head shifted again. An empty highway at night, the trees beside it coated in snow, flashing by at almost two hundred miles per hour.
"I'll miss you," she said. "No matter how short a time you're gone."
Emmett and Rosalie exchanged an apprehensive glance.
We were almost to the turn off onto the long drive that led to our home.
"Drop us here," Alice in
structed. "You should tell Carlisle yourself."
I nodded, and the car squealed to a sudden stop.
Emmett, Rosalie and Jasper got out in silence; they would make Alice explain when I was gone. Alice touched my shoulder.
"You will do the right thing," she murmured. Not a vision this time--an order. "She's Charlie Swan's only family. It would kill him, too."
"Yes," I said, agreeing only with the last part.
She slid out to join the others, her eyebrows pulling together in anxiety. They melted into woods, out of sight before I could turn the car around.
I accelerated back toward town, and I knew the visions in Alice's head would be flashing from dark to bright like a strobe light. As I sped back to Forks doing ninety, I wasn't sure where I was going. To say goodbye to my father? Or to embrace the monster inside me? The road flew away beneath my tires.
* * *
Chapter Two
Open Book
I leaned back against the soft snow bank, letting the dry powder reshape itself around my weight. My skin had cooled to match the air around me, and the tiny pieces of ice felt like velvet under my skin.
The sky above me was clear, brilliant with stars, glowing blue in some places, yellow in others. The stars created majestic, swirling shapes against the black universe-- an awesome sight. Exquisitely beautiful. Or rather, it should have been exquisite. Would have been, if I'd been able to really see it.
It wasn't getting any better. Six days had passed, six days I'd hidden here in the empty Denali wilderness, but I was no closer to freedom than I had been since the first moment that I'd caught her scent.
When I stared up at the jeweled sky, it was as if there were an obstruction between my eyes and their beauty. The obstruction was a face, just an unremarkable human face, but I couldn't quite seem to banish it from my mind.
I heard the approaching thoughts before I heard the footsteps that accompanied them. The sound of movement was only a faint whisper against the powder.
I was not surprised that Tanya had followed me here. I knew she'd been mulling over this coming conversation for the last few days, putting it off until she was sure of exactly what she wanted to say.
She sprang into sight about sixty yards away, leaping onto the tip of an outcropping of black rock and balancing there on the balls of her bare feet.
Tanya's skin was silver in the starlight, and her long blond curls shone pale, almost pink with their strawberry tint. Her amber eyes glinted as she spied me, half-buried in the snow, and her full lips stretched slowly into a smile.
Exquisite. If Yd. really been able to see her. I sighed.
She crouched down on the point of the stone, her fingertips touching the rock, her body coiled.
Cannonball, she thought.
She launched herself into the air; her shape became a dark, twisting shadow as she spun gracefully between me and the stars. She curled herself into a ball just as she struck the piled snow bank beside me.
A blizzard of snow flew up around me. The stars went black and I was buried deep in the feathery ice crystals.
I sighed again, but didn't move to unearth myself. The blackness under the snow neither hurt nor improved the view. I still saw the same face.
"Edward?"
Then snow was flying again as Tanya swiftly disinterred me. She brushed the powder from my unmoving face, not quite meeting my eyes.
"Sorry," she murmured. "It was a joke."
"I know. It was funny."
Her mouth twisted down.
"Irina and Kate said I should leave you alone. They think I'm annoying you."
"Not at all," I assured her. "On the contrary, I'm the one who's being rude-- abominably rude. I'm very sorry."
You're going home, aren't you? she thought.
"I haven't...entirely...decided that yet."
But you're not staying here. Her thought was wistful now, sad.
"No. It doesn't seem to be...helping."
She grimaced. "That's my fault, isn't it?"
"Of course not," I lied smoothly.
Don't be a gentleman.
I smiled.
I make you uncomfortable, she accused.
"No."
She raised one eyebrow, her expression so disbelieving that I had to laugh. One short laugh, followed by another sigh.
"All right," I admitted. "A little bit."
She sighed, too, and put her chin in her hands. Her thoughts were chagrined.
"You're a thousand times lovelier than the stars, Tanya. Of course, you're already well aware of that. Don't let my stubbornness undermine your confidence." I chuckled at the unlikeliness of that.
"I'm not used to rejection," she grumbled, her lower lip pushing out into an attractive pout.
"Certainly not," I agreed, trying with little success to block out her thoughts as she fleetingly sifted through memories of her thousands of successful conquests. Mostly Tanya preferred human men--they were much more populous for one thing, with the added advantage of being soft and warm. And always eager, definitely.
"Succubus," I teased, hoping to interrupt the images flickering in her head.
She grinned, flashing her teeth. "The original."
Unlike Carlisle, Tanya and her sisters had discovered their consciences slowly. In the end, it was their fondness for human men that turned the sisters against the slaughter. Now the men they loved...lived.
"When you showed up here," Tanya said slowly. "I thought that..."
I'd known what she'd thought. And I should have guessed that she would have felt that way. But I hadn't been at my best for analytical thinking in that moment.
"You thought that I'd changed my mind."
"Yes." She scowled.
"I feel horrible for toying with your expectations, Tanya. I didn't mean to--I wasn't thinking. It's just that I left in...quite a hurry."
"I don't suppose you'd tell me why...?"
I sat up and wrapped my arms around my legs, curling defensively. "I don't want to talk about it."
Tanya, Irina and Kate were very good at this life they'd committed to. Better, in some ways, than even Carlisle. Despite the insanely close proximity they allowed themselves with those who should be--and once were--their prey, they did not make mistakes. I was too ashamed to admit my weakness to Tanya.
"Woman troubles?" she guessed, ignoring my reluctance.
I laughed a bleak laugh. "Not the way you mean it."
She was quiet then. I listened to her thoughts as she ran through different guesses, tried to decipher the meaning of my words.
"You're not even close," I told her.
"One hint?" she asked.
"Please let it go, Tanya."
She was quiet again, still speculating. I ignored her, trying in vain to appreciate the stars.
She gave up after a silent moment, and her thoughts pursued a new direction.
Where will you go, Edward, if you leave? Back to Carlisle?
"I don't think so," I whispered.
Where would I go? I could not think of one place on the entire planet that held any interest for me. There was nothing I wanted to see or do. Because, no matter where I went, I would not be going to anywhere--I would only be running from.
I hated that. When had I become such a coward?
Tanya threw her slender arm around my shoulders. I stiffened, but did not flinch out from under her touch. She meant it as nothing more than friendly comfort. Mostly.
"I think that you will go back," she said, her voice taking on just a hint of her long lost Russian accent. "No matter what it is...or who it is...that is haunting you. You'll face it head on. You're the type."
Her thoughts were as certain as her words. I tried to embrace the vision of myself that she carried in her head. The one who faced things head on. It was pleasant to think of myself that way again. I'd never doubted my courage, my ability to face difficulty, before that horrible hour in a high school biology class such a short time ago.
I kissed her c
heek, pulling back swiftly when she twisted her face toward mine, her lips already puckered. She smiled ruefully at my quickness.
"Thank you, Tanya. I needed to hear that."
Her thoughts turned petulant. "You're welcome, I guess. I wish you would be more reasonable about things, Edward."
"I'm sorry, Tanya. You know you're too good for me. I just...haven't found what I'm looking for yet."
"Well, if you leave before I see you again...goodbye, Edward."
"Goodbye, Tanya." As I said the words, I could see it. I could see myself leaving. Being strong enough to go back to the one place where I wanted to be. "Thanks again."
She was on her feet in one nimble move, and then she was running away, ghosting across the snow so quickly that her feet had no time to sink into the snow; she left no prints behind her. She didn't look back. My rejection bothered her more than she'd let on before, even in her thoughts. She wouldn't want to see me again before I left.
My mouth twisted with chagrin. I didn't like hurting Tanya, though her feelings were not deep, hardly pure, and, in any case, not something I could return. It still made me feel less than a gentleman.
I put my chin on my knees and stared up at the stars again, though I was suddenly anxious to be on my way. I knew that Alice would see me coming home, that she would tell the others. This would make them happy--Carlisle and Esme especially. But I gazed at the stars for one more moment, trying to see past the face in my head. Between me and the brilliant lights in the sky, a pair of bewildered chocolate-brown eyes stared back at me, seeming to ask what this decision would mean for her. Of course, I couldn't be sure if that was really the information her curious eyes sought. Even in my imagination, I couldn't hear her thoughts. Bella Swan's eyes continued to question, and an unobstructed view of the stars continued to elude me. With a heavy sigh, I gave up, and got to my feet. If I ran, I would be back to Carlisle's car in less than an hour...
In a hurry to see my family--and wanting very much to be the Edward that faced things head on--I raced across the starlit snowfield, leaving no footprints.
"It's going to be okay," Alice breathed. Her eyes were unfocused, and Jasper had one hand lightly under her elbow, guiding her forward as we walked into the rundown cafeteria in a close group. Rosalie and Emmett led the way, Emmett looking ridiculously like a bodyguard in the middle of hostile territory. Rose looked wary, too, but much more irritated than protective.