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His answer was to stroke his thumb over her skin.
"Clay. " When his eyes focused on her this time, she sucked in a breath. The cat was clearly in charge. Irrational fear spiked, but she refused to buckle under again. "Intimidation never worked with me. "
He growled low in his throat. "Answer the fucking question. "
"I did it so I'd feel something," she snapped, wanting to growl back at him. "I went through life feeling nothing. I couldn't love the Larkspurs, I couldn't make friends, I couldn't do anything but pretend!"
"And did you?" His hand tightened on her neck.
Cold sweat broke out over her body but she stayed. "No. I've never felt as dead as I did when I was in those beds. I went into my mind like I used to do as a child - so I wouldn't be present while my body was used. "
His eyes shifted back to human, as if she'd caught him by surprise. "Then why keep doing it?"
"Because I thought that that was all I was good for. " A blunt response and the utter truth. "I was messed up, Clay. What Orrin did to me - it twisted me up on the inside. I couldn't get past all that poison he put into my head. I kept hearing his voice telling me that I was nothing but a whore. "
"I'm glad I killed him," Clay said, his tone so quiet it was a blade. "I only wish I'd been more patient. I should've ripped off his dick first, made him eat it. "
Her gorge rose but she was so damn tired of running, of disappointing Clay. Maybe she was weak, broken, human, but she was no coward. Not anymore. Making a small move, she put her hand on his knee. He seemed to come back to her at the contact.
"Let it go," she whispered, eyes tracing over the harsh masculine lines of his face. "Don't let him poison you, too. I've finally broken free. "
"Have you?"
"I haven't chosen to share a man's bed in eight years. That's why the fugues hurt so much," she admitted. The time for lies had passed. "I know I'm worth more now. The therapist I went to for a while helped me see that. But it was the kids at Shine who really saved me - they're the reason I decided I couldn't keep going as I had been. "
He watched her, a cool, dangerous predator with rage coating him in a seemingly impenetrable shield.
"So many of them come from the same place we did or worse, and they keep going, keep fighting. How could I possibly think to help them, lead them, if I wasn't strong enough to do the same?" She swallowed. "They have courage and heart and they're mine. I can't let any more of them die, Clay. I can't. "
"I told you - I'll find this boy, Jon, for you. "
"I know you will. " Her trust in him was rooted not only in childhood memory but in her growing knowledge of the man he'd become. Strong. Protective. Beautiful. And more than a little wild. "I trust you. " A confession that took more courage than she knew she had.
Flames in the depths of his eyes. "You going back to bed?"
"No. " She tensed, wondering where this was leading. She might not be changeling, but she knew how to read desire in a man's eyes.
As if he'd heard her unspoken fear, he rose to his feet, held out his hand. "Come on, then. I'll show you some of my forest. I need to get out of here. "
Her heart smiled, that defiant hope spreading across her soul in an unstoppable inferno. "I'd like that. "
Chapter 15
Ashaya looked at the holographic map projected above her desk. It showed the location of her lab in relation to nearby towns and farms. "You're sure the lab won't be discovered?" she asked the man on the other side of the transparent wall of light particles.
Councilor Ming LeBon nodded. "You're surrounded by acres of cornfields, with only a single, apparently unused, access road. From above, the lab looks like a crumbling farmhouse. "
"Forgive me if my confidence doesn't mirror yours. " She terminated the projection. "You assured me the previous lab was secure. The saboteurs had no trouble getting in, detonating their bombs, and destroying the original prototype. Not to mention the targeted psychic strike that killed several of my top scientists. "
"That was an unfortunate mistake on my part," Ming admitted with the emotionless confidence of a man so deadly, most people spoke his name in a whisper. Psy might not feel emotions, Ashaya thought, but even those of her clinical race valued their lives.
"That mistake," Ming continued, "will not be repeated. " His eyes were those of a cardinal but unique in that Ming's had less white stars than most. Liquid black filled his eyes, broken only by one or two pinpricks of light.
The uniqueness of his eyes wasn't a well-known fact - most people had no idea of Ming LeBon's physical appearance. He was a true shadow in the PsyNet. Ashaya was well aware that the sole reason he'd allowed her to see him was because he knew the Council had her totally under their control.
It might have made a human or changeling angry to be so manipulated. Ashaya wasn't human or changeling. She didn't feel fear, anger, any negative emotion. But that didn't mean she agreed with the Councilor. "Explain the security features to me," she said.
"Your job is on the inside. My officers will take care of security. "
"With respect, I disagree. " If she backed down now, it was all over. "I need to know the options in case of emergency - you have no way to accurately factor in the variables I'd be working with to stabilize safe transport of the prototypes. A fire would require a different response than an earthquake. "
Ming watched her, unblinking. His presence filled the room, though he wasn't a large man. The word that came to mind was compact. Compact and sleek, like the assassin he'd been before he became Council. "You're suddenly very interested in security. "
"Self-preservation. " She didn't look away. "The attack on the previous lab taught me that I am the sole person who can be trusted with my own safety. "
"Are you sure you're not considering an escape?"
Ashaya hadn't made it this far in the cold machinery of the Psy world by being easily shaken. "You don't believe that to be a true threat - you've assured my compliance. "
"True. And unless you've broken Silence, you aren't a woman prone to making foolish, emotional mistakes. "
She knew the emphasis had been very deliberate. "I assure you, my conditioning is intact. " Even more so than the day she had officially graduated from the Protocol. She felt nothing. There was ice where the emotional heart might have been in a human or changeling woman. "I've made my decisions and I intend to stick by them. "
He nodded once, the light catching on the pure white of his hair. She had heard that he'd been born with that hair, that skin. The lack of pigmentation in his body probably accounted for his eyes, but Ming was not an albino in the true sense of the word. No, he straddled an odd line between colorless and too much color. His hair and skin were white but the left side of his face bore a spreading birthmark the color of fresh blood.
"My physical imperfection intrigues you," he said in that oddly accented voice that made it impossible to pin down his origins.
"From a purely scientific standpoint. " A true statement. "Why haven't you had it corrected? It would be a simple procedure. " Though Psy cared little for looks, serious imperfections were not acceptable. She knew that truth far too well. The single exception was for those born with high-Gradient powers of the mind. However, that dispensation only went so far. The Psy had no chronically ill children, no unfortunate victims of spontaneous mutations. Which made her wonder why Ming chose to flaunt his genetic flaws.
"It is about power," he answered, though she had expected silence. "The difference between what people perceive and reality. "
Was that a threat? "I see. "
"No, you don't. " His tone didn't change. "But what I see is that you continue to argue against Protocol I. "
"I've never hidden my views. " The idea of drowning all individuality and turning many into one, a one controlled by a privileged few, was nothing she wanted to support. "I made my stance clear when I was asked to head this project. "
"You were always the best M-Psy for the job. "
So the Council had made sure she couldn't say no. "An interesting paradox, but it proves my point - escape is not an issue. "
"No. "
Ming's confidence was justified. After all, the Council held Keenan as insurance against her continued cooperation.
They held her son.
Chapter 16
Talin was still glowing with the wonder of the night hours she'd spent with Clay when he told her to get in the Tank. "Where are we going?" she asked, putting away the last of the breakfast dishes. "I have to go through these files. " Max had kept his promise. The Enforcement data had come through an hour ago.
"To see someone with medical training. They can look over the autopsy reports for you. " He began to gather up the hard copies she'd printed out.
"You're right. " She picked up the rest of her stuff. "That way, I can concentrate on finding the commonalities between the children. " It would help, she told herself. She wasn't just spinning her wheels while Jon was being hurt. "Clay, I'm scared. "
"Don't be. We'll find him. " With that, he led her outside and to the vehicle, putting the files in the backseat. He was all business, no sign remaining of the man who'd shown her the magic of a moonlight-dappled clearing where a herd of deer slept, his voice a warm whisper against her ear. "Tamsyn's the pack healer, but she's got a medical degree as well. "
She nodded, treading lightly. The forest run aside, last night had left them both with emotional bruises.
Clay shot her a sharp glance once they were on their way. "Stop biting your tongue, Talin. It doesn't suit you. "
So she was back to Talin in the light of day? "I was trying to be considerate. "