Chapter 10
And so here I am, one twenty-seven-thousandth of a horde, minion #247, relaxing in the cinema room of Lord Thurgo’s palace on Marbella Avenue. Alfonso’s with me, head-deep in a bucket of caviar. I still prefer coal myself, but maybe my tastes will change... A robot called Sparky is on my other side. Sparky lives for films. Most of the ponies and robots went home but the Grimster and Prince Stupid left a few to keep an eye on things. Burt’s out in the garden right now trying to eat grass.
Fluffy is doing fine. Jabber and Gobber have taken her to see the gold Rolls-Royce in the garage. They’re planning to learn to drive it. It can’t be that hard. And when a goblin sets their mind to it they can do anything.
“Hey Kevin!” It’s Odo, walking in with Sarah, Knee-bone, and Bite-Face. Girl goblins seem to follow Odo everywhere. I didn’t even know there were girl-goblins apart from Lucy and Gut-ripper until last week, but hey, I like it. Sarah’s sniffing like there’s a bad smell, but it can’t be me cos I washed last... um... cos I washed once. Or at least I got rained on.
I wave and look back at the film. There’s been a lot of talking so far, everyone seems to be being nice to each other, and so far we’ve had no explosions, but I’m keeping my fingers crossed that everything will come good in the end. That’s how things tend turn out in my experience.
There is a bit of an odd smell come to think of it. I sniff deeper. A bit familiar... a bit like cooker gas.
Films can teach you as lot of stuff, but they’re not always right. There’s an old tale to scare baby goblins with that says the baddy’s mansion always blows up at the end. But we proved that bit wrong.
I sniff again. Knee-bone slips away from Odo and the others and comes to sit by Sparky.
“Alf,” I ask. “When you finished cooking that caviar... you did turn the gas off properly didn’t you?”
“Mgghhk?” says Alfonso, lifting his head from his bucket, mouth full of piping hot caviar.
“Nothing,” I say.
He clears his throat. “I didn’t need to. There was a little dragon in the kitchen already playing with the cooker. She said she’d sort it out.”
“Dragon?” I don’t remember any dragon minions...
“So,” says Knee-bone, setting her hand to the robot’s shoulder. “Why do they call you Sparky?”
I lie back and watch the film as Sparky prepares to show her. I still have high hopes for this film. Everything always comes good in the end. I’ll get my explosion.
Overheard by a goblin (lying in the gutter of Marbella Avenue, smoking slightly)
Lord Thurgo: I can’t believe it.
Prince Stupid: I cannot believe it.
The Grimster: It’s unbelievable!
Lord Thurgo: I was so close!
Prince Stupid: I was so closer! How could it end like this? Hey... isn’t that one of yours, Billy?
Lord Thurgo: Hey yeah. Number 247. How’d he get out here? Ouch... he’s hot.
The Grimster: Anyway. Like I was saying. It’s unbelievable! I got more votes than either of you. I should have won. I should be wearing the class president hat, sash, and monocle right now!
Lord Thurgo: Yeah. How on earth did Helen Goodshoes win? I mean how?
Prince Stupid: Yeah, Helen stupid Goodshoes and her stupid dragons... At least we don’t have to look far for a new arch enemy now.
The Grimster: Yeah. It’s war all right. Goodshoes better watch out that’s all I’m saying.
Lorg Thurgo: Yeah, I think- What? What’s THAT! Why is there a big column of smoke rising from my mansion?
The Grimster: Our mansion.
Prince Stupid: What mansion? All I can see is a big hole.
The Grimster: I guess all these bricks and tiles strewn across the street are your mansion, Billy.... I, um... I’ve remembered – I got poison’s homework to do. Have fun clearing it up.
Lord Thurgo: Wait? What? It’s my mansion now is it?
Prince Stupid: Sure is! Gotta run. Enjoy!
*sounds of running feet*
Lord Thurgo: Looks like it’s just you and me #247. Let’s go and see how many goblins we can salvage.
*Lord Thuro looks heroically up at the column of smoke*
Lord Thurgo: And then we plot our revenge!
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