Reading that sentence makes me smile. Even desperate he could still tease a little. Just an FYI? Too funny.
‘Where did you go? We called Mike but he hasn’t heard from you, and we even tried the last number Selena has for Tyler but it didn’t pick up.’
‘I’m going to keep texting since you can’t freak out and ask me to stop like you would if I was speaking to you.’
‘I love you Saige. <3 cheesy heart, i know.’
‘I love you so much, I may need alcohol and medication after how much you’ve scared me tonight. But when I’m sober and no longer stoned I’m going to pick you up in my arms, sit in our fireplace chair, and I’m going to hug you until you trust me and BELIEVE me. I’m going to hug you in my arms until you finally believe IN me, Saige.’
‘I love you so much I’ll wait for you to finish school so you can have the life YOU want. Then I’m going to ask you to be a part of the life I want WITH you. I told you before I would wait for you, and I meant it. You are so worth waiting for, Saige.’
‘I look like such an ass right now. Selena’s sitting near me watching me text almost crying I’m so desperate for you to come back to me.’
Reading his text, he’s not the only one crying. Holy SHIT. This hurts so badly, I didn’t think it was possible for me to hurt any more than I’ve been hurting waiting for his death.
‘Last text, I promise. When you get home, I’m going to kiss you right against the door, Saige. I’m not mad anymore. But even if I was, I’d get over it as soon as I see you again. I want to kiss you breathless so you never again forget who loves you like you want to be loved. I’m going to kiss you until you believe I’m never going to leave you baby, because I’m NOT them and I’m NOT leaving you.’
‘I want to kiss you because I want you to be my fiery wee leprechaun for the rest of my life. And I want to kiss you so you finally understand I want to be your sweet, sweet Mallie for the rest of yours.’
‘Come home to me Saige so I can love you forever. xo’
And that’s the end of everything Malcolm.
Oh my god…
I may as well be dead in a burning hell with all this pain I feel destroying my soul.
Coding multiple times through the night and following day, Selena kept sending me updates I didn’t want. She kept asking for me to go to the hospital by Tatum’s request, and she kept begging me to call Tatum by Dan’s request.
Everyone wants me to go to the hospital- but I can’t. I made a promise, and I’ll keep to my bargain as long as Malcolm lives.
Whatever happens to Malcolm, nothing is going to change for me regardless. I’ll never eat or sleep again, and I’ll never live or love again.
Nothing is going to change no matter how many days I wait in this excruciating purgatory. Nothing is going to change the end for us no matter how many texts and phone calls I ignore.
I am alone, and my sweet, sweet Mallie is forever gone.
CHAPTER 39
It's funny how life has a way of continually shocking the shit out of you when you least expect it. It's funny when you think there can be nothing darker and nothing sadder than what you already know, life finds a way to hand you more darkness. It's amazing to me that the lows can always get lower.
This isn't my lowest day though. My lowest day happened 8 days ago.
Honestly, I can't even imagine there can be lower for me, or less peace to be found in this life. Yet life continues destroying me much more slowly than I would have chosen for myself.
Sitting in the police precinct, I finally have all my answers to the insane.
Malcolm managed to shoot his assailant in the stomach before he succumbed to his own injuries. Malcolm managed to turn the gun on the bad guy though the bad guy did get away temporarily. Knowing he would be caught if he went to a hospital though my attacker curled up in his little motel room- MY old motel room I rented near campus and slept in for just one night months ago- and he died.
The sick Fuck allowed himself to slowly, apparently quite painfully, bleed out for 3 days alone in my old motel room until he was traced to the room by his rental car and found dead among all my things this morning.
Like a sick fucking psycho he died holding my stolen panties tightly in his hands against his chest among all my photos from my now empty photo albums which he plastered all over the hotel room walls. He wore my necklaces around his neck, and my rings stacked one on top of the other on his baby fingers. He surrounded himself in everything Saige Masters as he slowly bled out over 3 days dying alone in my old hotel room 5 days ago.
And no one noticed the smell of his death, or questioned the Do Not Disturb sign that didn’t change on his door for 8 days until this morning.
Harvey Murphy, my brother's old cell mate and murderer died because he loved my brother.
Harvey Murphy, who I barely recognized from 7 years ago, knew me quite well though. He knew me and hated me for getting him convicted and sentenced to more time. And apparently he also loved me because I was the last thread to Alec he could have.
Harvey Murphy, who loved Alec Masters so much he killed him, loved me too. Whether by accident or because of what Alec did to himself doesn't really matter- Harvey Murphy never recovered from the loss of my brother.
So he came after me.
For whatever reason a sociopath sees his own reasons justified Harvey Murphy thought by fucking me, or rather raping me like he did my sweet brother, he still held Alec close. I was the last piece of Alec he could have, and after being released from jail in early April, he came for me a week later.
He came for me because he couldn't have Alec, and he came for me because he blamed me for Alec’s death.
Unbelievably, according to the diaries he left in my old hotel room, Harvey Murphy blamed me for not only lengthening his prison sentence, but for not helping Alec continue living.
In the darkest twist of irony I've ever known, we both actually agree with each other. I, too, have always felt I didn't do enough, or say enough to make Alec live. And Harvey Murphy agreed with me.
Staring at the blank walls of the room I'm in alone, I'm waiting for my mum to come get me. Mathers and another detective whose name I can't remember have shown me the photos of my old hotel room, shown me pictures of Harvey Murphy 5 days dead in my old bed, and shown me photos of all my stuff everywhere around him in death.
They let me read a few excerpts from his diaries, and they told me about the chronological events as best as they've pieced them together quickly as to what he did over the past 3 months since I was first attacked.
Strangely, though he's dead now I still find myself scared shitless.
Harvey Murphy was everywhere around me, all the time. He ate at D'Vecseys when I was working, and he followed me to Blenders when I stood freaking out holding Malcolm until I calmed. He was everywhere always, and the thought of that alone can still make me panic.
Thinking of how close he was to me always causes such a deep freeze, I feel ice slowly crawling through my veins at the thought of all the what ifs and oh my gods that was my life for 3 months totally unaware.
After each insight Mathers explained, though obviously they're nowhere near wrapping up the investigation, I felt the ice continue slowly travelling through my veins until a shard of ice actually punctured what was left of my beating heart.
And still the lows get lower.
Harvey Murphy is the father to both Kyle and Kaitlyn Murphy- my old classmate and semi-friend, and Tyler's whore.
No one knows yet how involved they were, or if they knew about me and Alec but we all assume they did. It was no secret at school that I was Alec Masters’ little sister, and it was NEVER a secret that I helped put Harvey Murphy away for an extra 10 years, reduced to 7 at the young age of 16. It was no secret everything I accomplished for Alec after his tragic death.
Nothing about me was a secret, so we all assume they knew, and even as I stare at these blank walls waiting for my mum, Kaitlyn is being picked up by the Detectives handling
mine and Malcolm's case for interrogation.
We know Kyle knew, and thankfully he’s already in custody because of what he did to me 8 days ago. Admitting everything he did, Kyle actually justified kidnapping me and attempting to rape me. He justified what he did, because in his sick what the fuck world he was the better alternative to his father- who he knew was on his way to Malcolm’s to kidnap and hurt me. Kyle honestly believes he saved me that night, which is another are you fucking kidding me I have to live with forever.
We also assume Kaitlyn knew about me as well, though I know the truth. The filthy looks Kaitlyn gave me in my own home and the hatred she showed me I remember at the time thinking was completely misplaced. I remember thinking this bitch is crazy for hating me when I’m nothing to her. I remember thinking she was completely out of line, and totally fucked in the head hating me when she was the whore caught with a man in another woman's bed. But it all makes sense to me now.
The detectives don't yet know how or why I even met Kyle and Kaitlyn Murphy- did they follow me here to school, or was it the World's biggest coincidence? What is the likelihood I left New Haven, went to school in Midland, started a job in a restaurant nearly 3 years ago and I just happened to work with Mike, who was a friend of Kyle’s. Or did Kyle befriend Mike when he saw Mike and I were friends? Or did Kaitlyn only realize I was the Saige Masters she hated when she slept with Tyler? Or did she fuck Tyler because she hated me? Or, or, or?
See...? Head. Fuck.
Incidentally, the timing makes sense, too- one week after her daddy was released from prison my life imploded. So I know she knew who I was, and I know Mathers knows, though he still has to investigate by the book as he said, to nail their asses properly.
As another low that had the impact of a sledgehammer against my old Saige's heart, this one reads on paper almost comical.
Tyler doesn't love Kaitlyn. They broke up he insisted to the police when they interviewed Tyler looking for Malcolm's attacker. Tyler has had nothing to do with Kaitlyn for over a month, but he did confirm he watched his whore pee on a stick that quickly turned double blue lines in front of his eyes.
So my ex-boyfriend is going to have a child with the daughter of my rapist and with the daughter of the man who murdered my brother, whether indirectly or not. Tyler is going to be a dad to the grandchild of the man who raped both me and Alec, which is just too funny to me to shock me any further.
I mean seriously… where does Tyler even go with that?
Holy fuck... I'm done.
Waiting in this quiet room playing on my phone, I'm desperate to get away and get out of here. I’m desperate for my freedom though it was offered to me, and I'm desperate for my mum though that's weird, I laugh a little stupidly.
God, I hope these aren’t two-way mirrors.
I'm exhausted from the last 8 days of my life, and really from the 7 years, or if you count my dad leaving- from the last 9 years of my sad life.
I’m so mental and emotionally exhausted, I can't even get past level 81 on candy crush, I burst out laughing again.
And crying.
And moaning.
And dying.
Slowly.
*****
"Saige? Your mother is here," a police officer says just as my mum pushes through the door.
"Ye. Daft. Cow!" My mum yells shocking the cop but making me laugh again. "Why didya no tell me wha's bin happ'nin?" Grabbing my face in her hands, she continues yelling at me through my giggles. "Didya no think I'd help ye?!"
"I didn't know," I admit honestly as I stare at the same green eyes I inherited.
"Well, tha's fer crap! Yer comin' home wee me, and ye better no start any shite. Ye hear'in me?"
Looking at her, I'm just... "Mum..." I manage to whisper before everything implodes inside me again. Collapsing in tears, my mum just catches me as she slumps down in a chair to pull me into her chest. "I can't h-handle this any m-more..." I choke dying in her arms.
"Awww... wee Saige. I've got ye now."
"They all fucking die!" I scream as the pain slashes my skin and tears apart my soul. "They all die on me..." I choke my final words before I silence.
"Awww...love. List’en to me. Alec died because he was afraid t' live, and your father died because he fell asleep behind the wheel. But this Malcolm, well, he loved ye, and fought to pro'tect ye. And from wha I hear, it was real love tha made the fella do wha he did."
Pulling away, I'm stunned she would give any credit to Malcolm or his love at all. "But you don't believe in love, so how could you think Mal-" stopping myself, I can't even say his name it hurts so much.
Grinning suddenly, my mother shocks me once again. "Saige, I'm just a bit’ter ol’ hag. Dunna list'en to a word I say."
Looking at her, I’m stunned. "But you screwed with my head, and made me think love was bad. You kinda fucked me up."
"Aye. An I’m sorry fer tha. I dunna know love, but ye have. And ye should treasure tha fella and tha love for the rest of yer days."
Exhaling my newest head fuck, I know I’ll love Malcolm for the rest of my days. I know there will never be anyone like Malcolm for me again- no one like Malcolm period. He will always remain a treasure to me.
"Can I go home with you?"
"Aye. I think it's time fer ye to come home and decide wha you want ta do wee the rest of yer life now. You've got ta let them go, love. And ye have’ta figure out how ta live now fer yerself. Thur no com'in back, Saige. To either of us."
When my mum uses my own line against me I realize she wasn't the only one holding onto ghosts. "I know they're not coming back..." I cry.
*****
After a quick goodbye to a few of the police I spoke with, I passed along a goodbye to Mathers though I'm sure to hear from him later.
Sitting beside my mum in her new car, I think she's forgetting she's Scottish and supposed to be tight with her money as she's always said. Then again, maybe by finally living a little this is her own way of saying goodbye to her ghosts now. I don't know, but it's a really nice car, and my mum seems happy.
Driving in silence, my mum lets me have my quiet. She ignores my frequent tears, pauses in tears, then more tears. Other than handing me Kleenex from her purse halfway back to New Haven she seems content to just let me do my thing- whatever the hell that is.
Thinking about everything I've learned and still don't understand, my brain is gone. My mind was lost 8 days ago, so at this point I'm just a walking zombie trying to figure out the little step by step things I need to do to simply function.
I know I have to make some decisions, and I know changes have to be made. I'm not even sure if I want to be a lawyer anymore now that I let my sweet Alec go. I don't know if I'll ever return to Midland, or if I'll just make a clean break from whoever is left.
Selena won't be easily deterred though. Just the 400 texts from her the last 8 days alone lets me know she's going to force herself to be a constant in my life whether I like it or not. Though I do still love Selena and Griffin, and even Mike, I think I need the distance and the break from Midland now.
After everything that’s happened, I can't easily return, and really there isn't anything to return to. I lived at Malcolm's, and my old apartment was packed and stored 2 days ago by Selena and Dave. My old job is over because of my memories of that place. And yeah... there's nothing untouched or unbroken in Midland for me.
Dan has texted me a few times, and though very kind and even generous offering his and Karen's time, I can't engage them. I know they're heartbroken over this, and whether they actually blame me or not, I don't know how they can’t feel at least a little resentment toward me for what happened to Malcolm. God, I do. So why wouldn't they?
And then there's Tatum. Huge, adorable, funny Tatum who begged me to come back so his family can see me, and who eventually wished me well when I told him I couldn't face his family. Tatum finally texted to let me know I was always welcome at his mother's table, as Mrs. MacNeil extended the invitation that bro
ke my heart yesterday.
So that's it. I don't know what to do, what I'm doing, or even who I am anymore. The extent of my ability to acknowledge the world around me suggests I go to my mum's and sleep in my old bed. Just sleep for the first time in 8 days, and maybe try to eat for the first time in 8 days.
Then maybe I'll deal with the horror of my existence tomorrow. Or the next day. Or whenever I can breathe past this continuous agony that is my life without Malcolm in it anymore.
*****
An hour from her home, still silent but for the radio softly playing, my devastation is complete.
When ‘Ho Hey’ by the Lumineers starts, I gasp and reach for the volume. Blasting the song, I picture Malcolm singing to me and my heart actually shatters a little more.
He may not be here, and I will never again have him yell sing a song for me, but right here, right now, I'm surrounded by Malcolm singing I'm his sweetheart.
I have Malcolm wrapped around me, holding me warm in my mum's car, and I actually feel a little warmth for the first time in 8 days.
Listening, I realize Malcolm is everywhere and nowhere at all.
Crying at the beautiful memory of him singing at the top of his lungs during Tatum's party, ‘Ho Hey’ is the best memory I'll ever know at the worst time in my life.
Just when I know I have to let him go, I'm reminded of everything Malcolm I'll never let go of.
And it breaks my heart more than I ever thought possible.
Looking at my mum's radio display, I sync my phone quickly and wait for the end of the song so I can start it again. On repeat through my phone, I imagine Malcolm singing for me everything he knew was true from the beginning for us.