4.Stockings
I hadn’t even been in Newcastle an two days and I was already locking myself in my bedroom like I used to when I was a teenager. The sun had long since disappeared and I’d opted out of dinner to hang out in my room listening to the latest Top 40 Hits. Ke$ha’s latest song was blaring through my ear buds when my sister tentatively knocked on the door. She poked her head in and leaned her cheek against the door jamb. “Hey, Mama wants to start decorating this year’s stockings. You coming?”
I sighed and rolled onto my back so that I was looking at Amber upside-down. “I guess so. Is Jared still pissy?”
Her full pink lips pulled up to one side and she cocked her head so that her thick, dark blond hair fell in perfect waves down her shoulder. “Yeah. Is he always like that? He’s kind of a prissy little bitch.”
I snorted slightly. “C’mon, now, Amber. That wasn’t funny.”
She grinned at me. “Yes it was. I haven’t seen you actually smile since you left to L.A.”
I sighed and rolled back over so that I could sit up and hugged my knees to my chest. “Jared’s great and everything but sometimes he can be a real diva. He was definitely never the kind of guy that I imagined myself with. It’s sort of work to date him, you know?”
She closed the door softly and sat with me on the bed, her head resting on my shoulder. “You imagined yourself with Christian, didn’t you? You two were totally perfect for each other.”
I pulled away from her but I don’t think she minded. “Yeah, well people change. Christy and I just were never meant to be. I’m with Jared now and I’m fine with that.”
Her dainty hand patted my shoulder gently. “Honey, there’s a big difference between fine and happy. We all want you to be happy, Baylee.”
I shot her a weak smile and jumped off the bed. “Let’s just go put up stockings before Mom sends Bobby in to come get us. He’s not the most gracious when it comes to fetching his sisters.”
My baby sister giggled and followed me out of the room. She probably thought that I was totally okay but really I wasn’t. I was happy with my fast-track L.A. life and then Newcastle and that girl I used to be popped back up. I was so not okay.
“Oh, good, you two are here. Now we can get started doing stockings and putting them all up. Come on, come on. Girls, do you want to turn on some music?”
Mom was a school teacher so she loved all the artsy stuff. It’d been a family tradition since Bobby and I could hold a crayon. Mom spent most of the time fussing about everything from the second we walked into the living room. Christian and Bobby were having fun making a giant mess of all the Christmas decorations while Dad was telling his infamous story of his first Christmas with Mom. And of course, Jared sat alone on the rocking chair in the corner. I went up to him and sat on his lap throwing my arms around his shoulders. “You still mad?”
“No,” he lied. Jared was an awful liar. He was like a pouty little kid that didn’t want to get grounded from his toys any longer than he already was. I gritted my teeth to keep from screaming that he was being an immature dick.
“Good. Now why don’t we get a couple of stockings that we can make and then hang them up? It’ll be fu-un,” I sang.
Jared rolled his eyes. “You know, we could have been in Hollywood at any of a dozen parties instead of making stupid Christmas decorations,” he murmured to me under his breath.
I elbowed him in the ribs. “Stop it,” I hissed back. “We’re going to decorate these stockings and you’re going to like it. If you keep acting like a total douche than you can sleep on the couch when we get back to L.A. Trust me, Jared, you ruin this trip for me and you won’t get any sex for the rest of the year.”
He froze and I couldn’t help but smirk. Guys always tend to think with the needier part of their anatomy so it just made threatening him that much easier for me. I glued on a fake smile and sank to the floor to pull a blank red stocking, glue, and glitter toward me. I shot a glare at my boyfriend and he followed my lead. We played the happy couple but I really wasn’t into making Christmas stockings with Jared.
Jared made polite conversation with my parents and my sister but he did a pretty good show of ignoring my twin and Christian. I tried to stay calm but he was making it very hard not to explode and turn into super bitch. I kept my polite smile but I really just wanted to finish with the artsy stuff and go for a nice, long ride.
“Well I’m done,” I announced when I couldn’t handle keeping my mouth shut and not snapping at Jared any longer. I carefully laid my stocking, which simply had my name in bubbly glitter writing going down at a diagonal, on the fireplace and stood up, dusting off the extra sparkles from my shirt. The newspaper around where I’d been working was still pretty clean while Bobby and Christian and somehow managed to coat themselves with glitter and glue. I rolled my eyes at the pair and started toward the back door. “I’ll be back in like an hour.”
I bundled up warmly and grabbed a flashlight before I started out toward the barn. It wasn’t dark yet but I definitely wasn’t planning on being back before sunset. I saddled up Rugrat and let him take the lead away from the house and all of the problems that came with this crappy Christmas.
Somehow we ended up in the forest on a big hill that overlooked the remains of a small waterfall that had gotten destroyed when Newcastle came into existence. Rugrat had found the place years before on one of our rides and no one else knew about it so it made the perfect sanctuary. I slid from the saddle and stood on the edge of the cliff and let my mind wonder.
I knew that Jared would be pissed at me for abandoning him yet again but I couldn’t bring myself to care. Jared and I were usually so compatible but now my boyfriend was getting on my last nerve. It was my sister’s fault for making us spend Christmas with my family; this trip was going to ruin my relationship.
The cold wind bit at my still feverish cheeks signaling that it was time to leave but I didn’t want to go back home just yet. I needed a minute to fall apart from trying to live in both of my very separate worlds at the same time and that’s exactly what I did. I took a deep breath and just screamed my lungs out. The thick, fluffy snow absorbed the noise like it was nothing but it still felt good to let it all out.
“Hi, honey,” Mom said when I walked into the kitchen after my calming ride. “I was starting to worry about you.”
I shot her smile and gave her a peck on the cheek. “Sorry. I just needed some fresh air. I’ve missed Rugrat since I’ve been gone and I’m trying to spend as much time with him as I can.”
She frowned slightly. “We’ve all missed having you home baby. You know, the rest of your family would like to see you, too.”
I instantly felt guilty. “Sorry,” I muttered while focusing on taking my snow boots off.
She wiped her hands on her apron and filled two mugs with hot chocolate before she sat at the round table across from me. I took the cup happily, not even worrying about calories or sugar intake. “Baylee, I want to talk to you about Jared. Are you happy with him?”
I blinked in surprise. I’d expect Amber to ask this kind of question but not my mother. “Of course,” I answered automatically.
“I just want to be sure that he’s the right one for you. He just isn’t what I imagined for you.”
“Why? Because everyone in this stupid town was so sure that Christian and I would get together? It was never going to happen,” I snapped harshly.
She pursed her pink lips and I instantly regretted my words. “That’s not it at all, Bay. It’s just that you’re so different with him. You two have been fighting since you got here and I don’t think the two of you have stayed in the same room together for more than an hour once. It looks to me like you’re struggling.”
I looked down at the black mug between my hands. “You’re the one that told me that love isn’t easy.”
“Oh, baby, it’s not. But that doesn’t mean that you should torture yourself trying to hold onto something that just isn’t working out.”
“Mama, we work. It’s never been this hard to be with him in L.A. We don’t have any of these kinds of problems when we’re back home.”
She took a sip of her cocoa before responding. “Do you two spend any real time together back at your fancy home? I saw at breakfast yesterday how you worked and he didn’t even seem to mind that your head was somewhere else. Heck, he even encouraged you to put your job first. Real love comes above menial things like work.”
I raised my own glass to my lips and took a long drink so that I wouldn’t have to say anything. The more I thought about it, the more I realized that my mother was right. Things were easy with Jared because they were always superficial. Our relationship was based on our mutual careers and it had none of the depth that normal couples had. “So what should I do?” I asked when I finally swallowed the sweet chocolate. My voice was barely above a whisper but I knew that she heard it.
“Oh, honey,” she sighed. “I can’t tell you that. That’s something that you are going to have to figure out on your own.”
“But how do I know?”
She smiled warmly and kissed the top of my head. “Trust me, Baylee. You’ll know. But remember that you have to do what’s best for you, regardless of everyone else’s feelings.”
I sighed as she walked out. She made that sound so easy but nothing on earth could be harder. I’d spent most of my life being a people pleaser that I didn’t really know how to take everyone else out of the equation.
I finished up the sinfully delicious hot chocolate (seriously, I’d forgotten how good chocolate was) and went into the living room where my parents, Amber, and Jared were watching Scrooged. I maneuvered over to the loveseat with Jared and leaned up against him. “Listen, I’m sorry,” I whispered. “I’ve been acting like a spoiled brat the last couple of days and I shouldn’t have. I want us to be like we were.”
And I meant almost everything I said. I really was sorry for acting like such a child and running out on him whenever he annoyed me. And I really did want us to go back to being that happy couple that Bobby had caught making out at the airport. But I didn’t want things to be exactly like they used to. If nothing else, being back home had showed me that I deserved more than a boyfriend who was little more than a stranger. I deserved a real love that went deeper than us working together in the fashion industry.
“Okay,” he answered simply. I stared at him for a moment and waited. The crap that had been going on between us had definitely not been all my fault and I thought he’d at least apologize for being such an ass. Well, I was wrong. After accepting my apology he turned his attention back to the movie not even acknowledging me enough to offer some popcorn.
I huffed and scooted a little bit away from him on the couch. Fine. If he wanted to keep acting cold and distant then I had no problem to keep acting like a bitch. We were virtually strangers and I was going to change that during this trip. There was going to be some depth in our relationship if it killed him.
After the movie Mom checked on the stockings and deemed them dry enough to hang on the mantle. Dad’s was the biggest and was closest to the door. Next was Mom’s crafty one, Bobby’s glittery mess, the Amber’s pink, perky, girly one. Christian’s stocking was next to it and although he’d been just as messy as my brother his managed not to look like glitter and glue exploded on it. My simple one came next and then Jared’s. If mine was plain then his was just downright boring. He’d used some of my mom’s green felt letters to spell out his name on the fluffy white top. For a fashion photographer he really wasn’t that creative.
“Oh, Baylee, it’s so nice to see your stocking up there again,” Mom gushed as she leaned up against my dad’s side.
“Yeah, I guess it’s pretty nice to do all this family stuff. But it’s a shame we won’t have stockings over at the Matthews’, too. I’ve missed those snowball cookies Christian’s mom used to make. Hey, were did he and Bobby go?”
Mom frowned. “Honey, did Christy tell you about Becca?”
Tears sprang into my eyes without my permission. “Yes. He said his mom was in the hospital in Cheyenne.”
“That’s right. Well Becca heard that you were in town and was insistent on seeing you. She said that there was no way she was going to be stuck in some hospital while her little Buggy was here. The boys went to pick her and Stan up. They’ll be back by the party tomorrow.”
A choked sob escaped past my lips but that was all that I was going to allow myself. “She’s leaving a hospital just so she can see me? Mom, you have to call and tell her she can’t do that. If she’s there it’s gotta be for a reason and she needs to stay.”
“Trust me, I tried. But lord knows you got your stubbornness from hanging out with that woman too long. But I spoke with Stan and he assured me that the doctors stay it’s perfectly fine for her to spend Christmas at home.”
I let out a small laugh. Becca was a tough-as-nails woman of Hispanic descent. She’d grown up in Arizona but fell in love with her husband Stan on a college trip up to Wyoming to go skiing. She’d given up everything she knew to move up here for love. She was one of the most amazing people that I knew.
I couldn’t sleep that night knowing that Becca Matthews was leaving her hospital and doctors just so that she could spend the holiday with me. The woman had been like a second mother to me growing up and it had taken me getting annoyed with Christian to find out that she was sick. I was a horrible, selfish person. I didn’t deserve someone like her in my life.
When I realized that all I’d be doing in bed was tossing and turning I threw the thick blankets off of me and crept to my closet. It didn’t look like anyone had gone through the clothes and shoes I had in there in the whole seven years I’d been gone. I pulled on a black knit sweater, some grey sweats, a pair of knee-high socks, and my black fur-lined boots that I’d gotten from Payless my senior year. I put on a thick coat over the ensemble and put my hair up in a messy bun. The whole outfit cost less than any of my shoes back in L.A. but it was comfortable and I’d be nice and toasty and the boots were sturdier than the Chanel one’s I’d brought.. Once I was dressed I crept down the spiral staircase that led to my room and then out the kitchen door one the side of the house.
The light from the side porch was enough to guide me to the stables where I turned on my dad’s camping lantern to see by. The horses snorted and whinnied as I passed but Rugrat stayed perfectly still when I got to his stall. “Hey, boy. Want to give me a ride over to Christy’s? I’ll bet there’s room in the barn next to Hailey’s Comet.”
He let out a snort and let me saddle him up from probably the millionth time in the last couple of days I’d been home. The two miles to Christian’s place was so familiar to both of us that I barely had to bother with the reins at all. Rugrat’s hooves clomped along the snow in a comforting rhythm and in no time I was putting him in one of the empty stalls.
After my horse was taken care of I ran up to the front door and dug my hand inside the ceramic cactus next to the porch swing. Yep. The key to the door was still there in the cactus’ gaping hole. I let myself into the large two-story house like I’d done so many times growing up. I paused at the door with a frown on my face. The place was immaculately spotless but it had an empty feel like no one had been there in a while. There was no fire under the bare mantle and the air was cold in more ways than one.
I took off my coat and boots and started turning lights on as I made my way up to the attic. I had to jump a few times to get the rope to pull down the steps but once I did I went up into the large room and started looking through boxes. The Matthews weren’t known for their organizational skills and nothing was labeled so it was going to take me a few tries to find the right boxes.
I found seven boxes of Christmas decorations before I started getting tired. It took me forever to get them from the attic and then down to the living room but I knew that it was going to be worth it when Becca got home from the hospital and things were ready to go. When exhaustion finally started to hit I
pulled on my coat and boots again and scribbled a quick note.
Couldn’t sleep so I did some snooping. I think that I got all of the Xmas boxes and our stockings are all ready to be hung up. Love you, Becca!