~~~~~
But naturally Alex had felt pity. Having sat with his brother on that bus, walked with him in the park and inhaled the same air of delusion and fear, and knowing how powerless he is to stand between Daniel and impending tragedy, he is all but beside himself with pity.
“What made you so sure he was coming this morning?” Gulnaz asks. They are sitting alone together now that lunch is over, in the little staff room that has become their regular retreat.
“I’d just felt it,” he replies, as simply as he can make it sound.
“You were very adamant you didn’t wish to see him. You know, he really hadn’t meant you any harm. I’ve had three phone calls from him in the last hour, asking after you. But I am concerned about him. You saw how wasted and ill he looked, and he sounded really peculiar on the phone.”
Alex nods. “He’s not eating. He’s drinking like a fish, and has got hold of some kind of drug. Something in a medicine bottle he keeps spiking his alcohol with. It’s what’s made him so paranoid.”
She winces. “That doesn’t sound good at all. I should have spotted he was high on something when he came in.”
“I think the drugs is what the guy from the pub gate-crashed the flat about, probably demanding money.”
“The one that attacked you?” Gulnaz is becoming animated now.
“He beat Daniel up.”
“Ugh! I didn’t know that. It must have been terrifying.” For a moment, she seems unsure where to take this. She leans towards him, assuming her professional demeanour once more. “Alex, can you bear to tell me what actually happened that night?”
“I don’t know the details. The truth is, I wasn’t there.” He’s well aware of the spanner this throws into the works.
“But I don’t understand. You were in a dreadful state when I found you.”
“That was the night I tried to get away. I was worried for our safety. After the thing with the boiling water I just didn’t know what might be next. I couldn’t turn to you because you’d just had this big bust up over moving me to a home, and I reckoned you were out of there for good. So I decided to make it on my own. That’s how I got all muddy, and the scratches and the bruises. I was going to take sanctuary or something in the church. Stupid, I know. I thought they’d find me next morning, and the police would check the hospitals, word would get to you somehow and you’d come and make things right. But it was all too hard. I had to shift the bikes that were blocking my way out of the flat; it starting chucking it down. Cooper’s Hill was way too steep. So, in the end I gave up. When I got back, I saw Daniel on the floor, but that wasn’t unusual. I didn’t know that this drugs baron bloke had been there and knocked him unconscious. When Daniel came round he saw the state I was in and thought the guy had attacked me as well – you know… raped me.”
She puts her fist in her mouth. “What?? Oh dear God! So, does Daniel still think that? Bloody hell, no wonder he looked so terrible when he came here, and kept on insisting on seeing you. And kept phoning. Alex, he’s clearly desperate to know if you’re okay! He must be feeling incredibly responsible. And there’s me putting the phone down on him. He needs to know the truth before he does something truly awful to himself.”
She fumbles for her phone and starts dialling. Somehow, Alex just can’t see him picking up.
“No; no-one there.”
“This time of day, he’ll be there. He’s just avoiding the phone.”
“Then we must go to him.”
“No! I told you. It’s vital I don’t see him again, ever.”
“Don’t say that, Alex. It just needs time.” Gulnaz takes his hand.
“I’m sorry. I just can’t.” His tone now is more of regret than obstinacy.
“But come on, he’s your brother. Is it just because of this?” She touches the cut over her eye. “When people are desperate they throw things. When they have no other means of expression. Believe me, I’ve seen that enough here.”
“No. It’s not just that. It’s something I can’t really explain.”
But explain is the one thing he knows he has to do. And the time to do it is now.
“Look, what did you notice about me when I was first brought into hospital? I mean, when I was first examined properly?”
The sudden questioning takes her by surprise.
“What, you mean besides you obviously being unconscious and malnourished? Well, there was a cut on your forehead from where you struck the stone as you fell; your blood alcohol was high, but not dangerously. Your… Am I on the right track here? Why are we doing this? Aren’t we wasting time?”
“What else did they find?”
“Um, a hairline fracture.” She touches her cheek. “Probably from a blow of some kind.”
“Right! And you X-ray Daniel’s face and I promise you you’d see the exact same fracture, from the kicking he got that night.”
“Okay. Wow. But why does it mean you can’t…”
“What else did they discover when they examined me.” She returns a blank look. “Think, Gulnaz – like, when you bathed me.”
“You mean the scarring to your abdomen? You’ve remembered how you got it?”
“What kind of scars were they? What would cause scars like that?”
“Hot liquid. They were scald marks.”
“Exactly! And weren’t they identical – identical – to the ones that Daniel is going to be saddled with after his burns heal?”
She’s now more than taken aback; she’s gawping at him as though he’s just declared himself Pope.
“Possibly. There’s no way of knowing yet. He’s still got a long way to go. What are you saying, Alex, that Daniel deliberately got himself beaten up, that he deliberately spilled boiling water down himself – just in order to be like you?”
“My birthmark, here, on my head. You must have seen Daniel’s. You were lovers. Margaret clocked it. It’s the same, isn’t it? And twins aren’t born with the same birthmarks, are they?”
“They… might show similar traits, if it was a difficult birth. Alex, what is all this about?”
Alex can’t hold himself back now. What he thought would be an impossible task proves instead to be an unstoppable torrent.
“Everything I’ve remembered, everything: they’re not my memories. They’re his. Or they’re not even memories, more like premonitions. I can picture the face of the man who attacked him, even though I’ve never seen him. I knew Daniel was about to scald himself because, seconds earlier, I felt it happen to myself. And us, battling our way out of the flat; I’d watched that scene a hundred times before it actually happened.”
Gulnaz gives a long, drawn out sigh, her face having moulded itself into a deep frown. Has she got any of this?
“I’m no expert here, Alex, so don’t be angry with me. It’s just my opinion. But I’m thinking, you wake up to find your whole memory wiped clean: you’re immediately desperate to find the missing pieces. You and Daniel: you’re so close – genetically identical – and so cooped up together in that flat; it’s no wonder you started to think the same way. But take these things you’ve said. You felt Daniel’s pain just before he scalded himself. But you were watching him; you could see what was about to happen and were powerless to stop it. That pain was empathic. And this man you say attacked Daniel, if you haven’t met him, how can you know the image is a true likeness? As for us getting you out of the flat, well, by the sound of it, you’d obviously seen that darker side to his character long before I did. I think I was denying it to myself; I should have been far more detached. I must share the blame for the consequences.”
No she isn’t getting it at all. Alex should have known it would be hopeless. How could he have expected her to understand when he doesn’t have a clue himself what any of it means? But he has to have one last try.
“Then imagine this: staring into someone’s face and recalling yourself having stared straight back. You perform an action, and realise you’ve seen that action already, but fro
m where the other person is standing. They say something, and you remember the moment you chose those very words. You find yourself living in a constant state of déjà vu.”
This time she stays silent.
“I have all this stuff in my head, Gulnaz. Images, fragments, and yet I can’t remember a single thing about me, this person everyone is calling Alex.”
“But only last night you talked about your father…”
“Things before I was nine, maybe. But not the fall from the cliff…”
“That’s normal with trauma…”
“Or anything after: no teenage memories, no young adult ones, nothing leading up to the coma. Not even how I came to be at that cemetery. But I do remember Mum as a sick old woman, even though I was never there for her. And I remember being with you at New Year, us making out in the car, and sleeping together. We…”
“Alex, stop!” Gulnaz is now positively disturbed. She stands and sets herself directly between him and the table.
“We shouldn’t be doing this. You must allow yourself to receive professional help. You’ve had a knock to the head. You’ve been in a coma. You’ve had to deal with paralysis and loss of speech. It’s all messed with your mind. Maybe it has blessed you with second sight and the ability to read Daniel’s mind – maybe even mine; maybe it’s coincidence; or maybe you’re subconsciously making these things happen. It’s all the same. You’re not well and you need help. But if you can’t face seeing your brother again, then I respect that. But Daniel deserves to know what happened, that you weren’t… violated.”
“I did try that night, but back then I still couldn’t speak or move. I even tried sending a message telepathically.”
Gulnaz is up on her feet now. “I think traditional methods may be safer. Straight after work, I’ll cycle over and talk to him.”
“You mustn’t go there alone, not in his current state of mind. There’s no telling what he might do. It should be me that tells him.”
“But you said you couldn’t bear…”
“Forget that. We’ll go together.”
“I’m finished in an hour.” She checks her watch. “We can catch the three-fifteen bus.”