ON MONDAY WE HAVE A FIRE drill which means first recess is late so they get to stay out for part of second recess. I don’t like that many kids at once. That many kids can only lead to problems which is exactly what happens. Mrs. Brook has to take three boys inside who get in a big fight.
I look around for Michael. I still feel warm and fuzzy because I’m his big sister. I’ll take care of him just like Devon always took care of me. Scout’s honor.
And then I see Michael and my hands start shaking.
He is on the monkey bars.
He is screaming.
And Josh is pulling on his legs.
NOOOOOOOO! I run all the way to the monkey bars and I HIT Josh hard and yell, LET GO OF HIM! LEAVE HIM ALONE! DON’T TOUCH HIM! YOU’RE EVIL!
Stop hitting me you freak! Josh yells.
But I have to keep hitting him because he won’t let go of Michael.
Stop! Stop! Michael says. And don’t call my friend a freak!
I’m helping him stay up, Josh says as I try to pry his hands off of Michael.
No you’re not! I say. You’re evil Evil EVIL!
Stop it or I’ll fall! Michael screams.
Josh lets go. You idiot! he says to me.
Don’t say that! Michael shouts.
Josh’s face is red. Can’t you see I’m trying to help?
You’re evil! I say.
Help! I’m going to fall! Michael screams. Somebody catch me!
Josh steps under Michael before I can stop him and I watch as Michael falls into his arms diagonally and Josh puts him upright and sets him carefully on the ground.
Josh looks at Michael then at me. His face is swollen and his voice cracks even though he only has one word to say. See?
Josh was helping me, Michael says.
Oh, I say.
No kidding? somebody asks.
I look around and there are a bunch of kids around the monkey bars now staring at Josh. I think Josh has just noticed them too. He steps back from the crowd.
Why does everyone think I’m bad? Josh’s voice is a whisper.
I don’t, Michael says, but his voice is covered up by the crowd talking.
Because you are, a boy says LOUD. Duh!
You’re mean, someone else says.
Yeah Josh, a voice shouts. It runs in your family.
Ooooh, a lot of people say.
I’m not like my cousin! Josh shouts. It’s not fair! Everyone blames me! He looks at the crowd.
They do? I say.
Yes! Everyone hates me because he killed those people. YOU hate me because of that!
I shake my head. No. I hate you because you’re mean to people. Except I guess you’re nice to Michael. I wish you’d make up your mind and be mean or be nice. Then I’d know how to feel.
I’m mean to people because they’re mean to me!
Oh. Well maybe if you’re nice to people they’ll be nice to you, I tell him.
Michael pulls Josh’s sleeve. I like you Josh. You read to me and you give me high fives and you stopped Avery when he was pushing me and you helped me up on the monkey bars and you promised you wouldn’t let me fall and you didn’t. You caught me Josh.
I don’t know why this is a reason to cry but Josh drops on his knees and covers his face. I can hear him crying behind his hands though.
The crowd is quiet now. Nobody says anything.
Michael kneels down next to Josh and pats his back. Caitlin thought you were trying to hurt me because sometimes you pull people off the monkey bars.
Josh is still sobbing. He stretches his hands so his palms cover his eyes and his fingers are covering the top of his head. It looks like he’s trying to cover his whole head but it’s not working. I watch him and I wonder if he wants a fleece or a sofa cushion to cover him up. That’s what I want when I feel bad.
Michael looks up at me with his Bambi eyes. In them I see sadness and I think it’s fear or maybe it’s confusion. I also see friendship. And I think there’s a look that means I need to do something to help. To answer the question. I think it’s the look I gave Devon. A lot.
So I kneel down on the other side of Josh and pat his back too and tell him it’s okay the same way Devon used to tell me and Dad still tells me. The way that I can really believe it. And if this is empathy I hope Josh can feel some of the empathy that’s starting to come out of me.
CHAPTER 36
MORE DRAWING
OUR GROUP PROJECT IS DONE and we have to present it to the class. Emma does all the talking and I hold up my drawings so I can hide my face behind them. Mrs. Johnson and a lot of people say, Wow! That’s an awesome bird! Look at that dog! She can really draw! and nice things like that but this way I don’t have to Look At The Person. Also I don’t even have to say Thank You because Emma is trying to talk and it would be rude for me to talk at the same time.
The class claps. Mrs. Johnson gives us an A. She puts all of my drawings on the bulletin board and I feel happy until she puts other people’s drawings up and theirs are all in color. Now mine don’t look as good somehow. I stare at mine and wonder how they would look with color even though I like things better without color. I think.
Emma says that our group should sit at lunch together so we do. Shane shrugs. Brianna rolls her eyes. I eat my cheese crackers and chocolate milk and fruit leather strip.
Could you chew with your mouth closed please? Brianna asks. Her eyes are big and so is her voice. I’m confused. I’m not sure who she’s talking to.
Do you mean me? I ask her.
Yes! And don’t talk with your mouth full! she says.
Shane snorts.
I’m serious! Brianna says.
Caitlin, Emma says after she swallows a bite of her hot dog, can you do some drawings for the yearbook?
I don’t know, I say. What kind of drawings?
Her forehead wrinkles. I think drawings in the margins would be good. They could be of things around school.
I think of what’s around school. The grass?
No. Not just grass.
The street?
No. I mean things you see in the classroom or out on the playground. Books. Computers. Desks. Monkey bars. School stuff.
I nod slowly. I could do that.
High five, Emma says. She puts her hand in the air.
I look at it and think about how Michael and Josh high-five.
I put my hand up and Emma slaps it.
It feels weird but in a good way.
You should join the art club in middle school, she says.
There’s an art club?
Sure! Mr. Walters runs it. He’s the art teacher.
I know Mr. Walters.
He’s cool, Emma says.
I nod. I need to draw his eyes.
She shrugs and grins. Okay.
At home our chest is almost done.
I draw what I want to carve into the top part of it. The bird is gray and black and white and has a long tail. Her head is tilted up and her beak is open like she’s singing. She is beautiful. I’m happy because I get my drawing just right. I run to the living room to show it to Dad.
He takes it with one hand and rubs his chin with the other. He sits down on the sofa with an oof. He stares at it. It’s not . . . It doesn’t look as . . . detailed as that eagle you drew that won first prize.
It’s not an eagle, I tell him. It’s a mockingbird.
He tilts his head to the side and stares at me. I thought it was an eagle because this is Devon’s Eagle Scout project.
It’s a mockingbird, I explain, like in the movie. Remember? Because Devon was like Jem. And I’m like Scout. And you Dad—you’re like Atticus.
Dad’s eyes fill with water and he blinks a lot and I think maybe he needs to get those funny glasses Atticus wears.
CHAPTER 37
NO MORE VIRGINIA DARE
I’M PROUD WHEN I TELL MRS. Brook the chest is done. I also tell her that I have one really good friend which is Michael and one sort of maybe future fri
end which is Emma. And maybe Mr. Walters.
Mrs. Brook smiles. Do you think you’re coming to Closure?
I think so.
How about your dad?
I think working on the chest helped him too.
I’m very glad you came up with that idea, she says.
I smile because I’m glad too. But then I frown.
What’s wrong?
I don’t think I’ve gotten Closure for Michael.
She sighs. A lot of people still need to find Closure.
Who else?
The whole community Caitlin—especially the students and teachers at Virginia Dare Middle School. Oh! Did you hear? The school board voted to change the school name over the summer.
Why?
There are a lot of bad memories associated with that name. I think they’re trying to find Closure too.
I’m not sure I Get It but I try to figure it out. It doesn’t work. I don’t see how changing the name is going to bring Closure.
No. But it’s a step. Maybe you can come up with something else.
Me? Why me?
Because you’re going there next year. It’s part of your community.
Suddenly I don’t feel so proud anymore. I still need to find Closure for Michael AND I have to find Closure for a whole entire school. And now the community too? How am I going to do all that?
CHAPTER 38
I GET IT
CLOSURE WASN’T SUPPOSED TO feel sad like this.
That night after Dad goes to bed I stay up and stare at the finished chest. Even though it’s finished there’s still something missing and I have to Work At It to figure out what it is. I think Dad is mostly happy that it’s completed and beautiful. I’m mostly happy too. But the chest isn’t helping Michael or the people of the middle school that’s getting a new name this summer or the rest of the whole entire community. I have to figure that out because that’s part of empathy. Even though I didn’t think I’d like empathy it kind of creeps up on you and makes you feel all warm and glowy inside. I don’t think I want to go back to life without empathy.
I put my head under the sofa cushion and stare at the chest so I can think of an answer but instead I think of Devon and I wish he were here so he could tell me the answer and I think about how he can never tell me anything or do anything again—not ride his bike or play baseball or watch To Kill a Mockingbird or be an Eagle Scout.
I hear the crying and then I see Dad’s hand reaching under the sofa cushion and pushing the wet hair out of my eyes. But I can’t stop crying. For Devon. Because of what happened to Devon. Because his life got taken away and he can’t do anything and he can’t be happy or proud or live or love—and all of a sudden my gulp-crying turns into gulp-laughing because I realize something.
Dad-oh! Dad! Oh Dad! I cry.
What is it Caitlin?
Devon, I cry, Devon.
I know. It hurts. You miss him. I miss him.
No, I say, Devon!
I know, he says.
But I’m not crying for ME! I pull my head out from under the sofa cushion and Look At The Person. I’m crying for Devon! I’m crying because I feel bad for HIM! Isn’t that empathy? I’m feeling for HIM instead of me!
Dad smiles even though he has crying eyes. Yes, he says, yes. Now you know what it’s like to feel for other people.
He hugs me and we sit together for a long time on the sofa. Empathy isn’t as hard as it sounds because people have a lot of the same feelings. And it helps to understand other people because then you can actually care about them sometimes. And help them. And have a friend. Like Michael. And do something for them and make them feel as good as you’re feeling.
I look over at Devon’s chest and it makes me feel good. We did a great job on it, I say, didn’t we Dad?
Yes we did.
We made something good and strong and beautiful.
He nods. We sure did. Devon would be very proud.
I nod too. I think about Devon and how he would show it to all the Scouts and tell everyone how we made it and how we used it to find Closure. And when I’m staring at the Mockingbird and seeing her mouth looking up like she’s telling the whole world something THAT’S when I feel my mouth turn into a grin and my hands start shaking so hard I have to leap off the sofa and jump around the room because just shaking my hands isn’t enough for all the excitement because I finally Get It! I Get It! I GET IT!
CHAPTER 39
COLORS
I DON’T LIKE THE BRIGHT LIGHTS of the middle school auditorium or the loud whispering all around us or having to wear these itchy clothes and I especially don’t like being in the front row with everyone staring at me. Dad said the smiling bald man onstage is the principal but I don’t like him either because he keeps pressing buttons on the microphone making it crackle LOUD and I wish he would stop it. The noise keeps making me want to jump out of my seat and I can’t hold myself down because Dad is sitting next to me grabbing both armrests already so I can’t use the one near me. I put both my hands on the armrest on the other side and try hard not to moan very loud. It must be working because Dad is not telling me to stop. He just sits there with his lips squeezed tight and his fists on the armrests and he stares at the stage.
I look at the stage too. It’s wooden and has dark blue curtains because the middle school colors are blue and white. There’s a big blue curtain at the back of the stage so you can’t see what’s behind there. And a big shape that’s partly covered by the same blue fabric except its feet and pedals are sticking out so I know it’s a piano. I know this place already. I’ve been here about fifty times. The Scouts had all their ceremonies here. Most of the time I even sat in this seat.
There are several chairs onstage with seats and backs also in dark blue cloth. Mrs. Brook is sitting on the chair at the end and tapping another blue cloth shape with the index card she’s holding. Her lips are moving and I guess she’s reading the card. It’s her speech. I’m glad she’s giving the speech and not me. I’m nervous enough. My Heart is going POUND-POUND-POUND.
Hi Caitlin.
I jump. Then I see it’s Michael.
He sits down on the other side of me. Are you ready?
Ready? My hands start shaking so I sit on them. I don’t have to do anything.
I know. He grins. You already did.
Hello Caitlin, Michael’s dad says. He waves from a few seats away because Josh is sitting on the other side of Michael. Josh is all dressed up in a suit like he’s going to church. He says, Hi, too but he doesn’t Look At The Person.
I don’t really mind that Josh is sitting on the other side of Michael because even though he’s not my favorite person he is nice to Michael. I take two gummy worms out of my pocket and give them to Michael.
He smiles. This one’s Caitlin and this one’s Josh.
When he says Josh’s name I remember that Josh is Michael’s friend. So I offer him a gummy worm too.
Josh stares at it until Michael elbows him.
Slowly Josh reaches his hand out and takes it from me. He even Looks At The Person this time. Thanks.
You’re welcome.
Michael grins and whispers to me, Good remembering Your Manners.
I nod. I don’t even need the chart anymore. Not now that I know they’re MY manners and I can do whatever I want with them.
The microphone squawks and I jump again. We’ll give people just a couple more minutes to find their seats, the principal says, then we’ll begin the ceremony.
Hey Caitlin, Michael says, but his dad says, Shhh! Michael. It’s time to settle down. Then Mr. Schneider points up at the stage and Michael looks there too. So do I.
I see the principal walk over to the left side of the stage where Mrs. Brook is sitting and I think he’s going to walk down the steps and I hold my breath but instead he touches the blue fabric next to Mrs. Brook and talks to her.
I let out my breath slowly but I can’t help looking at those worn wooden steps on the left side of the room tha
t go up to the stage. And I start shaking. Those steps scare me. They creak LOUD. Especially when the auditorium is quiet. The third step is the worst. I know. When Devon walked up the steps to get his Life rank the whole auditorium was silent because like Dad said it’s a big event for a seventh grader to get his Life rank so soon. But when Devon put his weight on the third step it creaked so loud it sounded like a gun went off and it scared me so I screamed and then everyone stared at me and started whispering and a little kid even pointed at me and said, It was her! And I started crying. Devon jumped off the steps and came running over to me saying, It’s okay. It’s okay. But it didn’t feel okay even when he tried to give me a gummy worm because I had a recess feeling in my stomach and I didn’t want it. He held my hand even though it was shaking up and down and he tried to get me to go up onstage with him but I didn’t want to get anywhere near that step but mostly I didn’t want to stand up in front of everyone because they were all staring at me so I pulled my hand away from his and said, No no no! And he said, Everything’s okay. Just watch me. I’ll be up there, and he pointed to where Dad was standing onstage and I didn’t answer him so he said, See? And I still wouldn’t answer him so he said, I have to go now Scout. I’ll be up there. You’re going to be just fine.
I have a recess feeling in my tummy now. All I see is fuzzy blue because my eyes are blurring everything together. I wish it were the blue of Devon’s room and I were in my hidey-hole with my purple fleece looking up at the carving of my name. SCOUT.
The microphone squawks and I jump again. Welcome! the principal says. Welcome everyone. Thank you for coming to this very special dedication ceremony.
I’m not sure I want to hear everything he says so while he’s talking I keep stuffed-animaling and I just hear certain words like healing and coming together and community. When he says Closure everything stops and I blink and look up at him and I squint because the stage lights are so bright and his bald head is reflecting the light like the sun.
He takes a deep breath. The microphone crackles. He flips over the piece of paper he’s holding and it hits the microphone with a pop. Then there’s silence.