That’s the Devon I want. Not the one who is floating around in the air.
A loud country music song starts playing.
It’s Mrs. Brook’s cell phone.
She doesn’t answer.
She’s using her Look At The Person behavior to look at me and I don’t like it. Also she’s not answering the phone. I can’t stand the cowboy song noise.
If you don’t answer the phone you will MISS your call, I tell her.
She answers but her eyes still Look At The Person while she talks on the phone.
I get under the table to get away from her eyes. Mrs. Brook always wants me to look in her eyes. She says we can see emotion in people’s eyes. I can’t. Eyes always look the same to me. People’s lips move all the time though. That’s where the words come out. I can tell what people say by looking at their lips even though Mrs. Brook says that’s not the only way to find out because you can’t get a complete picture of what someone means just by looking at their lips. I can. I can read lips.
I look up at the wood on the bottom side of the table.
It’s not finished wood.
It’s raw wood.
Like Devon’s chest.
I touch it. It’s rough. I rub my finger across the wood back and forth harder and harder until a splinter cuts me. I hit the splinter back.
There is a drop of blood on the wood now. It is red and it spreads . . . seeping into a crack and bleeding across the unfinished wood.
Like Devon’s chest.
No! I rub the wood harder and harder to try to erase the blood but it won’t go away.
Caitlin!
I press my finger against the raw wood and rub faster and faster and it hurts but I don’t care because I want to stop the blood but it’s still there and I can’t make it stop!
Caitlin!
I can’t stop it!
Caitlin! It’s Mrs. Brook calling from somewhere and I feel pulling on my arm but I yank my hand free. No! I have to erase the blood! I have to. I have to! I HAVE TO!
I can’t see or feel or hear anything except for some screaming far away.
CHAPTER 4
LIFE
I HEARD YOU HAD A TRM AT school today, Dad says.
I stare at the covered chest in the corner. TRM, I say, hmm. That Reminds Me. I know he doesn’t mean that kind of TRM. He means the Tantrum Rage Meltdown kind. But I don’t want to talk about it.
He sighs. Caitlin honey—
My finger hurt, I say. That’s why.
I think it was more than your finger.
Also I bumped my head on the table during the TR—when my finger hurt. So it was my finger and my head. Both. That’s two things. I continue counting in my head. Three, four, five, six.
I hear Dad’s voice but I focus on counting. Seven, eight, nine, ten, eleven. And thinking about stuffed animals. And I want Red Dog so I get up and walk down the hall to my room which is thirteen and a half steps—more if you take little tiptoe steps so you don’t step on any of the seams in the wood. I look across at Devon’s room and wish wish wish I could go in but I know I can’t.
I hear Dad saying my name but he is in another world right now.
I push my door open and wade through the clothes and books and papers and pencils and yarn and stickers on my floor and go to my bed where there are one hundred and fifty-three stuffed animals including key chains and Mc-Donald’s Happy Meal toys but the one I want is Red Dog and he is sleeping under the bed with my purple fleece blanket because Dad is too loud—thirty-seven, thirty-eight, thirty-nine—and I get under the blanket with Red Dog and we go to sleep while I am still counting.
When I wake up I’m hungry. I look at my Elmo clock. Elmo says it’s almost six thirty. I step out into the hall and look at the door across from mine. It’s Devon’s. Dad keeps it closed since The Day Our Life Fell Apart. I can’t open it because Dad always says when the bathroom door is closed you don’t open it and when a desk drawer is closed you don’t open it and when an envelope is closed you don’t open it unless it has your name on it. So I don’t open Devon’s door.
I wish I could go in though. I wish I could go in and say, Devon I’m hungry, and he’d grin so his dimples show and he’d say, You and me both, and we’d go find Dad and order pizza because it’s Thursday and we’d eat warm drippy extra-cheese pizza in front of Wheel of Fortune and Jeopardy. That reminds me how hungry I am so I go find Dad.
He’s sitting on the sofa staring at my charcoal pencil stain on the carpet.
It’s six thirty, I say.
Dad doesn’t say anything.
It’s six thirty. Time to eat, I tell him, in case he has forgotten what six thirty means.
He still doesn’t say anything.
It’s six thirty.
He stares at the stain but at least he says something. I’m not hungry.
It doesn’t matter, I tell him. It’s six thirty.
He sighs. Okay. I’m glad you’re feeling better now. I’ll get dinner ready.
Just call the pizza guy.
He shakes his head.
It’s Thursday.
Let’s eat what we have here.
But it’s pizza night.
No Caitlin.
I cross my arms. I don’t want that yucky spaghetti casserole again.
Okay. He gets up slowly like he is a very old toy running out of batteries. I’ll see what we have.
We have Pop-Tarts.
That’s not exactly a healthy dinner.
We have a bag of salad you can eat.
His lips turn down at the ends. I don’t like salad. And we don’t have any dressing.
Yes we do. Applesauce.
So we eat Pop-Tarts and salad with applesauce. Only I pick the salad stuff out of my applesauce and make a pile of green leaves on my napkin. And I keep my applesauce and Pop-Tart totally separate because I don’t like food mixing together or colors running into each other. It’s too hard to see what you have to Deal With if things start blurring together and getting mushy and turning into each other.
We sit at the kitchen table where I can’t see the TV which isn’t on anyway. It’s too quiet without Devon. Right now I wouldn’t even mind watching Fox Five News with the lady who talks so fast and so loud you can’t hear what she’s saying. All you can do is watch her really big hair moving around and wonder how many spiders make their nests in that thing.
Dad sniffs and I don’t want to hear him crying again so I have to be like the Fox Five News lady and fill up the silence. I wish we could have pizza with Devon, I say. It’s even Thursday. Pizza day.
Dad stops eating. Me too. He puts his hands together and his fingers grip the backs of his hands hard. He looks at the picture on the wall between the kitchen and living room and stares at it for a while. It’s Devon in his Scout uniform at a moving-up ceremony.
Is that his Life picture?
Dad tilts his head at me. This means he doesn’t Get It.
Life. In Boy Scouts. Remember? Devon?
Oh. He looks back at the photo of Devon. Yes. That’s when he made his Life rank in Scouts.
And Eagle comes after Life.
Dad nods and sighs. He wanted very much to make Eagle.
From my seat at the kitchen table I can see the corner of the living room where the chest sits. That’s his Eagle project.
Yes, says Dad. It was.
He can’t make Eagle if the chest isn’t finished.
Dad swallows hard even though he’s not eating anything. He gets up from the table and leaves the other half of his Pop-Tart and his salad stuff too.
I don’t feel hungry anymore so I put my plate in the dishwasher. I have to scrape Dad’s plate before I put it in the dishwasher. Then I sit down and draw like I do all the time. Devon says if I went a whole day without drawing I would probably die. But that will never happen because I can’t go a whole entire day without drawing.
Dad sits back down on the s
ofa and stares at the pencil stain on the carpet.
CHAPTER 5
PERSONAL SPACE
I HATE RECESS EVEN THOUGH Devon says it’s supposed to be my favorite subject and there is no recess once you get to middle school so enjoy it now. But I can’t enjoy it because I’m surrounded by sharp screaming and it’s too bright and people’s elbows are all pointy and dangerous and it’s hard to breathe and my stomach always feels really really sick. I stand and put my arms around me like a force field and squeeze my eyes almost closed to try to shut everything out. It doesn’t work. I still feel like a Fake Item Box that Mario is going to run over any minute now. I start sucking my shirt cuff that’s sticking out of my jacket sleeve.
I see Josh pushing people off of the monkey bars again. He used to be in my class before he got put in the other fifth-grade room because Mrs. Brook says it’s better that way. I think so too. Josh used to be just loud but now he’s loud and evil. Dad says it’s because Josh’s cousin was one of the school shooters at Devon’s school. The one the police caught right away. And killed. But not before he shot Devon.
Now my heart is pounding loud and I want to moan but Devon says you can’t moan or scream or shake your hands up and down or rock or get under a table or spin around over and over in public. Actually you can’t do most things over and over in public because that’s not normal unless it’s something like clapping or laughing but you have to do it only at the right times and places and Devon always tells me. Now I don’t know anymore.
My eyes feel hot and itchy and everything is blurry so I remember an okay thing I can do which is to blur colors and shapes so they change into fuzzy and warm instead of sharp and cold. I call it stuffed-animaling. If you take the monkey bars and the people and blur them together they get soft and fluffy and kind just like a stuffed animal. And you can forget about where you are and pretend you’re somewhere else like under your bed with your stuffed animals.
I’m stuffed-animaling the playground so well that after a while there’s only monkey bars left and one shape that’s coming toward me so I stop blurring and suck my sleeve more. Blurring is good for the things you don’t want to see but it doesn’t work so well for the stuff you actually have to Deal With.
Josh is walking toward me and he’s smiling even though he runs into William H.’s Personal Space and knocks him down. You shouldn’t walk into someone else’s Personal Space. Especially not William H.’s. William H. is autistic. He’s in the other fifth-grade class. He has Mrs. Brook time too but Mrs. Brook says it’s good for everyone to be in a regular class. But he screams a lot so I’m glad he’s not in my class except for recess and PE. Now he’s screaming LOUD and the lady who helps him tries to get him up but William H. is kicking too much.
Josh has a big grinny smile on his face. You shouldn’t smile when you do something bad because a smile is supposed to mean you’re being nice. I wish people would follow the Facial Expressions Chart like they’re supposed to.
The lady who helps William H. talks to Josh. Her hands are on her hips and her head is moving up and down and she keeps leaning forward and back again. I think this means she’s mad. Sometimes it means The Chicken Dance but I don’t think that’s what she’s doing right now. Finally she walks away and Josh shrugs. This means he doesn’t Get It. I decide to be helpful because that’s something I’m good at so I go over to Josh.
Ew! he yells. You’re like a dog! Slobbering all over your sleeve!
I stop sucking my sleeve even though I don’t know why he says Ew. I like dogs. Dogs sit next to you and put their chin on your lap. Dogs are sweet and kind. I’m happy if people think I’m a dog.
What do you want? Freak! Josh says, and I remember why I’m there.
You shouldn’t get in someone’s Personal Space.
What’s it to you?
I don’t know what that means so I say again, You shouldn’t get in someone’s Personal Space.
He puts his hands on his hips and his nose wrinkles up. What of it?
He must mean, What IS it. Personal Space is this. I step right in front of him—I even step on his toes—to show him where his Personal Space is.
Get off me you freak! he yells.
You need to remember Your Manners, I tell him. You should say, Excuse me please but you’re in My Personal Space.
His head leans forward and his mouth drops open.
I think this means confused so I tell him again. Listen carefully. This is what you say. Excuse me please but—
Get out of here!
I shake my head. No. That’s not the polite way to say it. You say, Excuse me—
Why are you bugging me? he shouts.
I’m not. I’m teaching you how to say Excuse me.
I’m not going to say it!
Okay. You can say, Sorry.
I don’t have to! I didn’t do anything wrong!
I Look At The Person. Yes. You. Did. I say it slowly so maybe he’ll understand.
Josh’s face is red and he’s breathing hard all of a sudden like he has been running even though he hasn’t been. Is this about your brother?
Why is he talking about Devon? This conversation is about William H.
I don’t have to apologize for that! That wasn’t me! Okay? That was my cousin! I didn’t do anything!
Your cousin is dead. Remember? YOU are the one who did something wrong, I say, because I SAW him push William H. out of his Personal Space.
I can’t help it that your brother was shot!
I don’t know why he’s yelling at me.
It’s not my fault!
I hate shouting. I’m starting to shake.
They tried to save him at the hospital! Josh yells.
I’m shaking my head now because I want him to stop.
But he doesn’t. His Heart was hanging out and they couldn’t close his chest up—
Shut up Josh! It’s Emma from my class. There are a bunch of kids behind her.
I’m just—
Stop it! Why are you talking about this?
I suck my sleeve but I can’t help moaning even though I’m not supposed to.
She brought it up! Josh says. She’s accusing me!
Well she’s upset!
Yeah, a boy says as he gives Josh a shove.
Josh practically falls into me so I step away and Josh lands on the ground. Some people laugh.
Josh stares up at me with slitty eyes. It’s not my fault her brother is DEAD!
NOOOO! I hear a scream and only when I try to run far FAR away from it but it keeps following me do I realize that it’s me.
CHAPTER 6
THE HEART
I FIND THIRTY-TWO BOOKS IN the library about how the Heart works. Dad talks with the librarian and says it’s okay for me to use his card too so I can check out a lot of books. Some of them are kids’ books and some are adult books but I can read anything because my reading score is so high they can’t even rate it. When I was in kindergarten I was above eighth-grade level and that was as far as you could get in kindergarten. Now I’m in fifth grade which is why I can read anything Dad can.
Sometimes I read the same books over and over and over. What’s great about books is that the stuff inside doesn’t change. People say you can’t judge a book by its cover but that’s not true because it says right on the cover what’s inside. And no matter how many times you read that book the words and pictures don’t change. You can open and close books a million times and they stay the same. They look the same. They say the same words. The charts and pictures are the same colors.
Books are not like people. Books are safe.
The librarian won’t let you take the Physicians’ Desk Reference home even if you hide it in the middle of thirty-two books. She says you have to leave it in the reference section so others might enjoy it. I don’t think I should have to leave it in the reference section just so others might enjoy. I know I will enjoy it. But she says that is not the point. She never does tell me what the point is but Devon says s
ometimes you just have to do what a teacher or librarian says even if you think it’s stupid. Also he says you shouldn’t tell them out loud that you think it’s stupid. That’s a secret that stays in your head only.
On the way home Dad stops at CVS and buys me a whole bag of gummy worms.
Why? I ask.
Aren’t these your favorite?
Yes but I don’t have ten stickers in a row yet on YOUR MANNERS chart.
Mrs. Brook says you’re doing an excellent job at school considering . . . everything.
She’s right! I make a smiley face with my mouth. I deserve these gummy worms because I do spend all my time considering everything. I just don’t always Get It.
I eat one green gummy worm and one red. Their names are Eddie and Talia. I always name my gummy worms before I eat them. When we get home I stuff some in every pocket of my pants so I’ll always have one when I need one. Then I start reading.
There’s a lot of information about the Heart in thirty-two books and I read it all. Here’s what I’m writing down in my Word Study notebook because these are the words I want to study more than eLIMinate and DEVastate:
CHAMbers
AORta
Atria
VENtricles
VEINS
ARteries
VALVES
I also learn that you should exercise right like Devon who plays soccer and baseball and runs almost every day. You should eat good foods like Devon who doesn’t eat nearly as much candy as me. You shouldn’t smoke because it can hurt your Heart and it smells so bad it makes you want to throw up. Devon never throws up but even he says that.
There are many Heart diseases. Some of them you get from smoking and drinking and being fat and not exercising. Some of them you get from an infection. Some of them you get when you’re old. Some problems you’re born with. Most of the diseases you can do something about like take lots of pills. Sometimes a Heart problem happens all of a sudden and there is not much you can do. But you should try to get to a hospital right away to increase your chances of survival.