VIII.
THE UNWISEMAN'S FRENCH
The following two days passed very slowly for poor Mollie. It wasn'tthat she was not interested in the wonders of the historic Tower whichshe visited and where she saw all the crown jewels, a lot of dungeonsand a splendid collection of armor and rare objects connected withEnglish history; nor in the large number of other things to be seen inand about London from Westminster Abbey to Hampton Court and the Thames,but that she was lonesome without the Unwiseman. Both she andWhistlebinkie had approached the carpet-bag wherein the old gentlemanlay hidden several times, and had begged him to come out and join themin their wanderings, but he not only wouldn't come out, but would notanswer them. Possibly he did not hear when they called him, possibly hewas too deeply taken up by his study of French to bother about anythingelse--whatever it was that caused it, he was as silent as though hewere deaf and dumb.
"Less-sopen-thbag," suggested Whistlebinkie."I-don'-bleeve-hes-sinthera-tall."
"Oh yes he's in there," said Mollie. "I've heard him squeak two or threetimes."
"Waddeesay?" said Whistlebinkie.
"What?" demanded Mollie, with a slight frown.
"What-did-he-say?" asked Whistlebinkie, more carefully.
"I couldn't quite make out," said Mollie. "Sounded like a little pigsqueaking."
"I guess it was-sfrench," observed Whistlebinkie with a broad grin."Maybe he was saying Wee-wee-wee. That's what little pigs say, andFrenchmen too--I've heard 'em."
"Very likely," said Mollie. "I don't know what wee-wee-wee means inlittle pig-talk, but over in Paris it means, 'O yes indeed, you'reperfectly right about that.'"
"He'll never be able to learn French," laughed Whistlebinkie. "That isnot so that he can speak it. Do you think he will?"
"That's what I'm anxious to see him for," said Mollie. "I'm just crazyto find out how he is getting along."
But all their efforts to get at the old gentleman were, as I havealready said, unavailing. They knocked on the bag, and whispered andhinted and tried every way to draw him out but it was not until thelittle party was half way across the British Channel, on their way toFrance, that the Unwiseman spoke. Then he cried from the depths of thecarpet bag:
"Hi there--you people outside, what's going on out there, anearthquake?"
"Whatid-i-tellu'" whistled Whistlebinkie. "That ain't French.Thass-singlish."
"Hallo-outside ahoy!" came the Unwiseman's voice again. "Slidyvoo laslide sur le top de cette carpet-bag ici and let me out!"
"That's French!" cried Mollie clapping her hands ecstatically together.
"Then I understand French too!" said Whistlebinkie proudly, "because Iknow what he wants. He wants to get out."
"Do you want to come out, Mr. Unwiseman?" said Mollie bending over thecarpet-bag, and whispering through the lock.
"Wee-wee-wee," said the Unwiseman.
"More-pig-talk," laughed Whistlebinkie. "He's the little pig that wentto market."
"No--it was the little pig that stayed at home that said wee, wee, weeall day long," said Mollie.
"Je desire to be lettyd out pretty quick if there's un grand bigearthquake going on," cried the Unwiseman.
Mollie slid the nickeled latch on the top of the carpet-bag along and ina moment it flew open.
"Kesserkersayker what's going on out ici?" demanded the Unwiseman, as hepopped out of the bag. "Je ne jammy knew such a lot of motiong. LondonBridge ain't falling down again, is it?"
"No," said Mollie. "We're on the boat crossing the British Channel."
"Oh--that's it eh?" said the Unwiseman gazing about him anxiously, andlooking rather pale, Mollie thought. "Well I thought it was queer. WhenI went to sleep last night everything was as still as Christmas, andwhen I waked up it was movier than a small boy in a candy store. Sowe're on the ocean again eh?"
"Not exactly," said Mollie. "We're on what they call the Channel."
"Seems to me the waves are just as big as they are on the ocean, and thewater just as wet," said the Unwiseman, as the ship rose and fell withthe tremendous swell of the sea, thereby adding much to his uneasiness.
"Yes--but it isn't so wide," explained Mollie. "It isn't more thanthirty miles across."
"Then I don't see why they don't build a bridge over it," said theUnwiseman. "This business of a little bit of a piece of water putting onairs like an ocean ought to be put a stop to. This motion has reallyvery much unsettled--my French. I feel so queer that I can't remembereven what _la_ means, and as for _kesserkersay_, I've forgotten if it'sa horse hair sofa or a pair of brass andirons, and I had it all in myhead not an hour ago. O--d-dud-dear!"
The Unwiseman plunged headlong into his carpet-bag again and pulled thetop of it to with a snap.
"Oh my, O me!" he groaned from its depths. "O what a wicked channel tobehave this way. Mollie--Moll-lie--O Mollie I say."
"Well?" said Mollie.
"Far from it--very unwell," groaned the Unwiseman. "Will you be goodenough to ask the cook for a little salad oil?"
"Mercy," cried Mollie. "You don't want to mix a salad now do you?"
"Goodness, no!" moaned the Unwiseman. "I want you to pour it on thosewaves and sort of clam them down and then, if you don't mind, take thecarpet-bag----"
"Yes," said Mollie.
"And chuck it overboard," groaned the Unwiseman. "I--I don't feel as ifI cared ever to hear the dinner-bell again."
Poor Unwiseman! He was suffering the usual fate of those who cross theBritish Channel, which behaves itself at times as if it really did havean idea that it was a great big ocean and had an ocean's work to do. Butfortunately this uneasy body of water is not very wide, and it was notlong before the travellers landed safe and sound on the solid shores ofFrance, none the worse for their uncomfortable trip.
"I guess you were wise not to throw me overboard after all," said theUnwiseman, as he came out of the carpet-bag at Calais. "I feel as fineas ever now and my lost French has returned."
"I'd like to hear some," said Mollie.
"Very well," replied the Unwiseman carelessly. "Go ahead and ask me aquestion and I'll answer it in French."
"Hm! Let me see," said Mollie wondering how to begin. "Have you hadbreakfast?"
"Wee Munsieur, j'ay le pain," replied the Unwiseman gravely.
"What does that mean?" asked Mollie, puzzled.
"He says he has a pain," said Whistlebinkie with a smile.
"Pooh! Bosh--nothing of the sort," retorted the Unwiseman. "Pain isFrench for bread. When I say 'j'ay le pain' I mean that I've got thebread."
"Are you the jay?" asked Whistlebinkie with mischief in his tone.
"Jay in French is I have--not a bird, stupid," retorted the Unwisemanindignantly.
"Funny way to talk," sniffed Whistlebinkie. "I should think pain wouldbe a better word for pie, or something else that gives you one."
"That's because you don't know," said the Unwiseman. "In addition to thepain I've had oofs."
"Oooffs?" cried Whistlebinkie. "What on earth are oooffs?"
"I didn't say oooffs," retorted the Unwiseman, mocking Whistlebinkie'saccent. "I said oofs. Oofs is French for eggs. Chickens lay oofs inFrance. I had two hard boiled oofs, and my pain had burr and sooker onit."
"Burr and sooker?" asked Mollie, wonderingly.
"I know what burr means--it's French for chestnuts," guessedWhistlebinkie. "He had chestnuts on his bread."
"Nothing of the sort," said the Unwiseman. "Burr is French for butterand has nothing to do with chestnuts. Over here in France a lady goesinto a butter store and also says avvy-voo-doo burr, and the man behindthe counter says wee, wee, wee, jay-doo-burr. Jay le bonn-burr. Thatmeans, yes indeed I've got some of the best butter in the market,ma'am."
"And then what does the lady say?" asked Whistlebinkie.
The Unwiseman's face flushed, and he looked very much embarrassed. Italways embarrassed the poor old fellow to have to confess that there wassomething he didn't know. Unwisemen as a rule are very sensitive.
r /> "That's as far as the conversation went in my French in Five Lessons,"he replied. "And I think it was far enough. For my part I haven't theslightest desire to know what the lady said next. Conversation on thesubject of butter doesn't interest me. She probably asked him how muchit was a pound, however, if not knowing what she said is going to keepyou awake nights."
"What's sooker?" asked Mollie.
"Sooker? O that's what the French people call sugar," explained theUnwiseman.
"Pooh!" ejaculated Whistlebinkie, scornfully. "What's the use of callingit sooker? Sooker isn't any easier to say than sugar."
"It's very much like it, isn't it?" said Mollie.
"Yes," said the Unwiseman. "They just drop the H out of sugar, and putin the K in place of the two Gees. I think myself when two words are somuch alike as sooker and shoogger it's foolish to make two languages of'em."
"Tell me something more to eat in French," said Whistlebinkie.
"Fromidge," said the Unwiseman bluntly.
"Fromidge? What's that!" asked Whistlebinkie.
"Cheese," said the Unwiseman. "If you want a cheese sandwich all you'vegot to do is to walk into a calf--calf is French for restaurant--callthe waiter and say 'Un sandwich de fromidge, silver plate,' and you'llget it if you wait long enough. Silver plate means if you please. TheFrench are very polite people."
"But how do you call the waiter?" asked Whistlebinkie.
"You just lean back in a chair and call garkon," said the Unwiseman."That's what the book says, but I've heard Frenchmen in London call itgas on. I'm going to stick to the book, because it might turn out to bean English waiter and it would be very unpleasant to have him turn thegas on every time you called him."
"I should say so," cried Whistlebinkie. "You might get gas fixturated."
"You never would," said the Unwiseman.
"Anybody who isn't choked by your conversation could stand all the gasfixtures in the world."
"I don't care much for cheese, anyhow," said Whistlebinkie. "Is thereany French for Beef?"
"O wee, wee, wee!" replied the Unwiseman. "Beef is buff in French.Donny-moi-de-buff--"
"Donny-moi-de-buff!" jeered Whistlebinkie, after a roar of laughter."Sounds like baby-talk."
"Well it ain't," returned the Unwiseman severely. "Even NapoleonBonaparte had to talk that way when he wanted beef and I guess the kindof talk that was good enough for a great Umpire like him is good enoughfor a rubber squeak like you."
"Then you like French do you, Mr. Me?" asked Mollie.
"Oh yes--well enough," said the Unwiseman. "Of course I like Americanbetter, but I don't see any sense in making fun of French the wayFizzledinkie does. It's got some queer things about it like calling acat a chat, and a man a homm, and a lady a femm, and a dog a chi-enn,but in the main it's a pretty good language as far as I have got in it.There are one or two things in French that I haven't learned to sayyet, like 'who left my umbrella out in the rain,' and 'has Jamescurrycombed the saddle-horse with the black spot on his eye and abob-tail this morning,' and 'was that the plumber or the piano tuner Isaw coming out of the house of your uncle's brother-in-law yesterdayafternoon,' but now that I'm pretty familiar with it I'm glad I learnedit. It is disappointing in some ways, I admit. I've been through Frenchin Five Lessons four times now, and I haven't found any conversation init about Kitchen-Stoves, which is going to be very difficult for me whenI get to Paris and try to explain to people there how fine mykitchen-stove is. I'm fond of that old stove, and when these furrinersbegin to talk to me about the grandness of their country, I like to hitback with a few remarks about my stove, and I don't just see how I'mgoing to do it."
"What's sky-scraper in French?" demanded Whistlebinkie suddenly.
"They don't have sky-scrapers in French," retorted the old gentleman."So your question, like most of the others you ask, is very veryfoolish."
"You think you can get along all right then, Mr. Me?" asked Mollie,gazing proudly at the old man and marvelling as to the amount of studyhe must have done in two days.
"I can if I can only get people talking the way I want 'em to," repliedthe Unwiseman. "I've really learned a lot of very polite conversation.For instance something like this:
"Do you wish to go anywhere? No I do not wish to go anywhere. Why don't you wish to go somewhere? Because I've been everywhere. You must have seen much. No I have seen nothing. Is not that rather strange? No it is rather natural. Why? Because to go everywhere one must travel too rapidly to see anything."
"That you see," the Unwiseman went on, "goes very well at a five o'clocktea. The only trouble would be to get it started, but if I once got itgoing right, why I could rattle it off in French as easy as falling offa log."
"Smity interesting conversation," said Whistlebinkie really delighted.
"I'm glad you find it so," replied the Unwiseman.
"It's far more interesting in French than it is in English."
"Givus-smore," whistled Whistlebinkie.
"Give us what?" demanded the Unwiseman.
"Some-more," said Whistlebinkie.
"Well here is a very nice bit that I can do if somebody gives me thechance," said the Unwiseman. "It begins:
"Lend me your silver backed hand-glass. Certainly. Who is that singing in the drawing room? It is my daughter. It is long since I heard anyone sing so well. She has been taking lessons only two weeks. Does she practice on the phonograph or on her Aunt's upright piano? On neither. She accompanies herself upon the banjo. I think she sings almost as well as Miss S. Miss S. has studied for three weeks but Marietta has a better ear. What is your wife's grandmother knitting? A pair of ear-tabs for my nephew Jacques. Ah--then your nephew Jacques too has an ear? My nephew Jacques has two ears. What a musical family!"
"Spul-lendid!" cried Whistlebinkie rapturously. "When do you think youcan use that?"
"O I may be invited off to a country house to spend a week, somewhereoutside of Paris," said the Unwiseman, "and if I am, and the chancecomes up for me to hold that nice little chat with my host, why it willmake me very popular with everybody. People like to have you take aninterest in their children, especially when they are musical. Then Ihave learned this to get off at the breakfast-table to my hostess:
"I have slept well. I have two mattresses and a spring mattress. Will you have another pillow? No thank you I have a comfortable bolster. Is one blanket sufficient for you? Yes, but I would like some wax candles and a box of matches."
"That will show her that I appreciate all the comforts of her beautifulhousehold, and at the same time feel so much at home that I am notafraid to ask for something else that I happen to want. The thing thatworries me a little about the last is that there might be an electriclight in the room, so that asking for a wax candle and a box of matcheswould sound foolish. I gather from the lesson, however, that it iscustomary in France to ask for wax candles and a box of matches, so I'mgoing to do it anyhow. There's nothing like following the customs ofthe natives when you can."
"I'd like to hear you say some of that in French," said Whistlebinkie.
"Oh you wouldn't understand it, Whistlebinkie," said the Unwiseman."Still I don't mind."
And the old man rattled off the following:
"Avvy-voo kelker chose ah me dire? Avvy-voo bien dormy la nooitdernyere? Savvy-voo kieskersayker cetum la avec le nez rouge?Kervooly-voo-too-der-sweet-silver-plate-o-see-le-mem. Donny-moi desboogies et des alloomettes avec burr et sooker en tasse. La Voila.Kerpensy-voo de cette comedie mon cher mounseer de Whistlebinkie?"
"Mercy!" cried Whistlebinkie. "What a language! I don't believe I _ever_could learn to speak it."
"You learn to speak it, Whistlebinkie?" laughed the old gentleman. "You?Well I guess not. I don't believe you could even learn to squeak it."
With which observation the Unwiseman hopped back into his carpet-bag,for the conductor of the train was seen coming up the platform of therailway station, and the old gentleman as usual was travelling without atic
ket.
"I'd rather be caught by an English conductor if I'm going to be caughtat all," he remarked after the train had started and he was safe. "For Ifind in looking it over that all my talk in French is politeconversation, and I don't think there'd be much chance for that in a rowwith a conductor over a missing railway ticket."