III.
AT SEA
It was all of three days later before the little party of travellers metagain on deck. I never inquired very closely into the matter but fromwhat I know of the first thousand miles of the ocean between New Yorkand Liverpool I fancy Mollie and Whistlebinkie took very little interestin anybody but themselves until they had got over that somewhat unevenstretch of water. The ocean is more than humpy from Nantucket Light onand travelling over it is more or less like having to slide over eightor nine hundred miles of scenic railroads, or bumping the bumps, not forthree seconds, but for as many successive days, a proceeding whichinterferes seriously with one's appetite and gives one an inclination tolie down in a comfortable berth rather than to walk vigorously up anddown on deck--though if you _can_ do the latter it is the very bestthing in the world _to_ do. As for the Unwiseman all I know about himduring that period is that he finally gave up his problem of how to tiea sinker to a half-pint of chicken broth, and diving head first into theventilator through which he had made his first appearance on deck,disappeared from sight. On the morning of the fourth day however heflashed excitedly along the deck past where Mollie and Whistlebinkiehaving gained courage to venture up into Mollie's steamer chair weresitting, loudly calling for the Captain.
"Hi-hullo!" called Mollie, as the old gentleman rushed by. "Mr.Me!"--Mr. Me it will be remembered by his friends was the name theUnwiseman had had printed on his visiting cards. "Mister Me--come here!"
The Unwiseman paused for a moment.
"I'm looking for the Captain," he called back. "I find I forgot to tellthe burgular who's rented my house that he mustn't steal my kitchenstove until I get back, and I want the Captain to turn around and goback for a few minutes so that I can send him word."
"He wouldn't do that, Mr. Me," said Mollie.
"Then let him set me on shore somewhere where I can walk back," said theUnwiseman. "It would be perfectly terrible if that burgular stole mykitchen stove. I'd have to eat all my bananas and eclairs raw, andbesides I use that stove to keep the house cool in summer."
"There isn't any shore out here to put you on," said Mollie.
"Where's your bottle of native land?" jeered Whistlebinkie. "You mightwalk home on that."
"Hush, Whistlebinkie," said Mollie. "Don't make him angry."
"Well," said the Unwiseman ruefully. "I'm sure I don't know what to doabout it. It is the only kitchen stove I've got, and it's taken me tenyears to break it in. It would be very unfortunate just as I've got thestove to do its work exactly as I want it done to go and lose it."
"Why don't you send a wireless message?" suggested Mollie. "They've gotan office on board, and you can telegraph to him."
"First rate," said the old man. "I'd forgotten that." And the Unwisemansat down and wrote the following dispatch:
DEAR MR. BURGULAR:
Please do not steal my kitchen stove. If you need a stove steal something else like the telephone book or that empty bottle of Woostershire Sauce standing on the parlor mantel-piece with the daisy in it, and sell them to buy a new stove with the money. I've had that stove for ten years and it has only just learned how to cook and it would be very annoying to me to have to get a new one and have to teach it how I like my potatoes done. You know the one I mean. It's the only stove in the house, so you can't get it mixed up with any other. If you do I shall persecute you to the full extent of the law and have you arrested for petty parsimony when I get back. If you find yourself strongly tempted to steal it the best thing to do is to keep it red hot with a rousing fire on its insides so that it will be easier for you to keep your hands off.
Yours trooly, THE UNWISEMAN.
P.S. Take the poker if you want to but leave the stove. It's a wooden poker and not much good anyhow.
Yours trooly, THE UNWISEMAN.
"There!" he said as he finished writing out the message. "I guessthat'll fix it all right."
"It-tortoo," whistled Whistlebinkie through the top of his hat.
"What?" said Mollie, severely.
"It-ought-to-fix-it," repeated Whistlebinkie.
And the Unwiseman ran up the deck to the wireless telegraph office. In amoment he returned, his face full of joy.
"I guess I got the best of 'em that time!" he chortled gleefully. "Whatdo you suppose Mollie? They actually wanted me to pay twenty-onedollars and sixty cents for that telegram. The very idea!"
"Phe-ee-ew!" whistled Whistlebinkie.
"Very far from few," retorted the Unwiseman. "It was many rather thanfew and I told the man so. 'I can buy five new kitchen stoves for thatamount of money,' said I. 'I can't help that,' said the man. 'I guessyou can't,' said I. 'If you could the price o' kitchen stoves would goup'."
"What did you do?" asked Mollie.
"I told him I was just as wireless as he was, and I tossed my message upin the air and last time I saw it it was flying back to New York astight as it could go," said the Unwiseman. "I guess I can send a messagewithout wires as well as anybody else. It's a great load off my mind tohave it fixed, I can tell you," he added.
"What have you been doing with yourself since I saw you last, Mr. Me?"asked Mollie, as her old friend seated himself on the foot-rest of hersteamer chair.
"O I've managed to keep busy," said the Unwiseman, gazing off at therolling waves.
Whistlebinkie laughed.
"See-zick?" he whistled.
"What me?" asked the Unwiseman. "Of course not--we sailors don't getsea-sick like land-lubbers. No, sirree. I've been a little miserable dueto my having eaten something that didn't agree with me--I very foolishlyate a piece of mince pie about five years ago--but except for that I'vebeen feeling first rate. For the most part I've been watching the screwdriver--they've got a big steam screw driver down-stairs in the cellarthat keeps the screws to their work, and I got so interested watching itI've forgotten all about meals and things like that."
"Have you seen horrizon yet?" asked Whistlebinkie.
"Yes," returned the Unwiseman gloomily. "It's about the stupidest thingyou ever saw. See that long line over there where the sky comes down andtouches the water?"
"Yep," said Whistlebinkie.
"Well that's what they call the horrizon," said the Unwisemancontemptuously. "It's nothin' but a big circle runnin' round and roundthe scenery, day and night, now and forever. It won't go near anybodyand it won't let anybody go near it. I guess it's just about the mostunsociable fish that ever swam the sea. Speakin' about fish, what do yousay to trollin' for a whale this afternoon?"
"That would be fine!" cried Mollie. "Have you any tackle?"
"Oh my yes," replied the Unwiseman. "I've got a half a mile o' troutline, a minnow hook and a plate full o' vermicelli."
"Vermicelli?" demanded Mollie.
"Yes--don't you know what Vermicelli is? It's sort of baby macaroni,"explained the Unwiseman.
"What good is it for fishing?" asked Whistlebinkie.
"I don't know yet," said the Unwiseman "but between you and me I don'tbelieve if you baited a hook with it any ordinary fish who'd left hiseyeglasses on the mantel-piece at home could tell it from a worm. Ineglected to bring any worms along in my native land bottle, and I'vesearched the ship high and low without finding a place where I could digfor 'em, so I borrowed the vermicelli from the cook instead."
"Does-swales-like-woyms?" whistled Whistlebinkie.
"I don't know anything about swales," said the Unwiseman.
"I meant-twales," said Whistlebinkie.
"Never heard of a twale neither," retorted the Unwiseman. "Just whatsort of a rubber fish is a twale?"
"He means whales," Mollie explained.
"Why don't he say what he means then?" said the Unwiseman scornfully. "Inever knew such a feller for twisted talk. He ties a word up into adouble bow knot and expects everybody to know what he means right offthe handle. I don't know whether whales like vermicelli or not. Seems tome though
that a fish that could bite at a disagreeable customer likeJonah would eat anything whether it was vermicelli or just plaincatterpiller."
"Well even if they did you couldn't pull 'em aboard with a trout lineanyhow," snapped Whistlebinkie. "Whales is too heavy for that."
"Who wants to pull 'em aboard, Smarty?" retorted the Unwiseman. "I leaveit to Mollie if I ever said I wanted to pull 'em aboard. Quite thecontrary opposite. I'd rather not pull a whale on board this boat andhave him flopping around all over the deck, smashing chairs and windows,and knockin' people overboard with his tail, and spouting water all overus like that busted fire-hose the firemen turned on me when I thoughtI'd caught fire from my pipe."
"You did say you'd take us fishing for whales, Mr. Me," Mollie put intimidly.
"That's a very different thing," protested the Unwiseman. "Fishin' forwhales is a nice gentle sport as long as you don't catch any. But ofcourse if you're going to take his side against me, why you needn't go."
And the Unwiseman rose up full of offended dignity and walked solemnlyaway.
"Dear me!" sighed Mollie. "I'm so sorry he's angry."
"Nuvver-mind," whistled Whistlebinkie. "He won't stay mad long. He'll beback in a little while with some more misinformation."
Whistlebinkie was right, for in five minutes the old gentleman returnedon the run.
"Hurry up, Mollie!" he cried. "The sailor up on the front piazza saysthere's a school of Porpoises ahead. I'm going to ask 'em somequestions."
Mollie and Whistlebinkie sprang quickly from the steamer chairs andhurried along after the Unwiseman.
"I've heard a lot about these Schools of Fish," the Unwiseman observedas they all leaned over the rail together. "And I never believed therewas such a thing, because all the fish I ever saw were prettystupid--leastways there never were any of them could answer any of thequestions I put to 'em. That may have been because being out o' waterthey were very uncomfortable and feelin' kind of stiff and bashful, butout here it ought to be different and I'm going to examine 'em and seewhat they're taught."
"Here they come!" cried Mollie, as a huge gathering of porpoisesplunging and tumbling over each other appeared under the lee of thevessel. "My what a lot!"
"Hi there, Porpy!" shouted the Unwiseman. "Por-pee, come over here aminute. What will seven times eight bananas divided by three mince piesmultiplied by eight cream cakes, subtracted from a Monkey with two tailsleave?"
The old man cocked his head to one side as if trying to hear the answer.
"Don't hear anything, do you?" he asked in a moment.
"Maybe they didn't hear you," suggested Mollie.
"Askem-something-geezier," whistled Whistlebinkie.
"Something easier?" sniffed the Unwiseman. "There couldn't be anythingeasier than that. It will leave a very angry monkey. You just try tosubtract something from a monkey some time and you'll see. However it isa long question so I'll give 'em another."
The old gentleman leaned forward again and addressing the splashing fishonce more called loudly out:
"If that other sum is too much for you perhaps some one of you can tellme how many times seven divided by eleven is a cat with four kittens,"he inquired.
Still there was no answer. The merry creatures of the sea wereapparently too busy jumping over each other and otherwise indulging inplayful pranks in the water.
"They're mighty weak on Arithmetic, that's sure," sneered the Unwiseman."I guess I'll try 'em on jography. Hi there, Porpee--you big black oneover there--where's Elmira, New York?"
The Porpoise turned a complete somersault in the air and disappearedbeneath the water.
"Little Jackass!" growled the Unwiseman. "Guess he hasn't been going toschool very long not to be able to say that Elmira, New York, is atElmira, New York. Maybe we'll have better luck with that deep bluePorpoise over there. Hi-you-you blue Porpoise. What's the chief productof the lunch counter at Poughkeepsie?"
Again the Unwise old head was cocked to one side to catch the answer butall the blue porpoise did was to wiggle his tail in the air, as hebutted one of his brother porpoises in the stomach. The Unwiseman lookedat them with an angry glance.
"Well all I've got to say about you," he shouted, "is that your fatherand mother are wasting their money sending you to school!"
To which one of the Porpoises seemed to reply by sticking his head upout of the crest of a wave and sneezing at the Unwiseman.
"Haven't even learned good manners!" roared the old gentleman.
Whereupon the whole school indulged in a mighty scrimmage in the waterjumping over, under and upon each other and splashing the spray high inthe air until finally Whistlebinkie in his delight at the sight criedout,
"I-guess-sitz-the-football-team!"
"I guess for once you're right, Whistlebinkie," cried the Unwiseman."And that accounts for their not knowing anything about 'rithmetic,jography or Elmira. When a feller's a foot-ball player he don't seem tocare much for such higher education as the Poughkeepsie lunch counter,or how many is five. I knew the boys were runnin' foot-ball into theground on land, but I never imagined the fish were running it into thewater at sea. Too bad--too bad."
And again the Unwiseman took himself off and was not seen again the restof the day. Nor did Mollie and Whistlebinkie see much of him for therest of the voyage for the old fellow suddenly got it into his headthat possibly there were a few undiscovered continents about, the firstsight of which would win for him all of the glory of a ChristopherColumbus, and in order to be unquestionably the very first to catchsight of them, he climbed up to the top of the fore-mast and remainedthere for two full days. Fortunately neither the Captain nor theBo'-sun's mate noticed what the old gentleman was doing or they wouldhave put him in irons not as a punishment but to protect him from hisown rash adventuring. And so it was that the Unwiseman was the firstperson on board to catch a glimpse of the Irish Coast, the which heannounced with a loud cry of glee.
"Land ho--on the starboard tack!" he cried, and then he slid down themast-head and rushed madly down the deck crying joyfully, "I'vediscovered a continent. Hurray for me. I've discovered a continent."
"Watcher-goin'-t'do-with it?" whistled Whistlebinkie.
"Depends on how big it is," said the Unwiseman dancing gleefully. "Ifit's a great big one I'll write my name on it and leave it where it is,but if it's only a little one I'll dig it up and take it home and add itto my back yard."
But alas for the new Columbus! It soon turned out that his new discoverywas only Ireland which thousands, not to say millions, had discoveredlong before he had, so that the glory which he thought he had won soonfaded away. But the old gentleman was very amiable about it after he gotover his first disappointment.
"I don't care," he confided to Mollie later on. "There isn't anything indiscovering continents anyway. Look at Columbus. He discovered America,but somebody else came along and took it away from him and as far as Ican find out he don't even own an abandoned farm in the United Statesto-day. So what's the good?"
"Thass-wat-I-say," whistled Whistlebinkie. "I wouldn't give seven centsto discover all the continents there is. I'd ruther be a live rubberdoll than a dead dishcover anyhow."
Later in the afternoon when the ship had left Queenstown, Mollie foundthe Unwiseman sitting in her steamer chair hidden behind a copy of theLondon _Times_ which had been brought aboard, and strange to relate hehad it right-side up and was eagerly running through its massivecolumns.
"Looking for more pollywogs?" the little girl asked.
"No," said the Unwiseman. "I'm trying to find the latest news fromAmerica. I want to see if that burgular has stole my stove. So far theredon't seem to be anything about it here, so the chances are it's stillsafe."
"Do you think they'd cable it across?" asked Mollie.
"What the stove?" demanded the Unwiseman. "You can't send a stove bycable, stupid."
"No--the news," said Mollie. "It wouldn't be very important, would it?"
"It would be important to me," said the Unw
iseman, "and inasmuch as Ibought and paid for their old paper I've got a right to expect 'em toput the news I want in it. If they don't I'll sue 'em for damages andbuy a new stove with the money."
The next morning bright and early the little party landed in England.