In the meantime she needed to round up some money so she could pay Lorraine’s rent on the first and hold Dixon off long enough to wrap up her investigation. Unfortunately, the only people she knew well enough to approach for a loan of that size were her mama and Tio.
On her way to El Centro, she wondered about the sanity of that frazzled woman in her rear-view mirror who was so pissed off at a current perv that she was willing to overlook the actions of a former perv, provided the former perv would give her the money she needed to incarcerate the current perv. The pretzel-logic made her bowels nervous.
As miles passed, Delores wondered how to beg for money from somebody she hated in the first place. Unsure of exactly what she wanted to say she grew more and more frustrated until she finally reached their block and desperately needed their bathroom. She checked the clock on her dash. She’d gotten there so quickly she must have been speeding the whole time. She rushed up their sidewalk.
“Hello, Delores,” Tio said upon opening the door. “You’re early.”
“The traffic was lighter than usual,” she fibbed as she stepped over the threshold. “I need to use your bathroom.”
Just then Mama came down the hall. “Hello, Delores,” she said in a cold tone before they hugged in what felt more like a rushed obligation than affection. “Let’s go into the kitchen.”
“I need to use your restroom first.”
“Go ahead, but I didn’t have time to straighten it up.”
Delores finished her business, then returned to the kitchen where Mama was wiping down the counters and Tio was seated at the table with his back to the window. If only she could say how difficult her life had become because of him. But she couldn’t afford to piss them off. That kindness-over-correctness tactic that Dr. Moreno liked seemed wiser. “Can I help you clean up, Mama?”
“Why don’t you just tell us why you wanted to see us? This is unusual.”
Delores had hoped to ease into the conversation more gradually. She glanced at Tio and had second thoughts about borrowing money from the man. He’d hold it over her forever—even after she paid him back. However, these were the only people who could help her burn Dixon. She changed her mind—and then changed it back again.
Suddenly, Mama slapped a dishrag on the counter. “Dammit, Delores. I know you forgot my birthday. Are you here to apologize?”
Good God. What brought that on? Apparently Tio wasn’t any good at keeping secrets. “I admit I forgot your birthday, Mama, and I’m ashamed of that, but it has nothing to do with why I’m here. Can’t I just come because I love you?”
Mama shook her head. “Hogwash. I bet you want something. You never come unless you want something.”
Delores’s stomach tightened. She’d be damned before she’d let Tio and Mama ignore who was really the problem in the family. “Do you know why I don’t come around, Mama? Do you know why? It’s because I don’t want to hurt you. That’s why.”
Her mother looked at Tio and back to Delores. “You’re not going to bring up those fairytales again, are you?”
“They’re not fairytales, mama. They’re real. I remember when Simone told you about Tio touching us, but you didn’t believe us.”
Tio scooted his chair back and shook his head. “It wasn’t like that, Delores.”
“Oh bullshit, Tio. You know damn well what you did. Do you know how helpless we felt?”
Mama put a hand on her hip. “I saw him around you girls, and he never did anything like that.”
“It was late at night, Mama, when you were sleeping. He made us be quiet. How do you suppose we felt when you didn’t believe us? I’ve lost my sister because of you two.”
Her mama scowled. “How dare you blame us! Simone had a boyfriend and ran away with him. That wasn’t our fault.”
“I need you, Mama. Don’t you know that? I might be married some day, and have babies. But I can’t bring them around this monster.”
Tio jumped to his feet and pointed to the door. “That’s enough, Delores. I want you out of our home.”
“Screw you, Tio,” she said with no hint of Dr. Moreno’s kindness in her tone or mood. “I’m not done yet.” She looked at her mama again and flipped a thumb Tio’s way. “I know about men like this. They don’t care who they hurt. I can’t even tell you what I have to do to block out the pain he’s caused. That’s why I don’t call you or come by very much. It hurts me too much when I think of all he’s done to all of us, including you.”
Her mama threw the dishrag in the sink. “We go to church every week. That proves he’s a good man. Jesus forgives everybody. You’d be a better person if you did that too.”
The veins in Delores’s neck pulsated. “Forgive him? I can’t believe you’re even saying that. We’re talking about big-time crimes here. You’re both lucky I don’t have him arrested for what he did. I’ll never forgive him.”
Tio pointed to the door. “I said get out.”
With tears forming in her eyes, Delores rose and turned toward him, “You’re just a goddamn animal, Tio. You ruined our family. Your entire relationship with Mama is a lie. Someday she’s going to figure that out and you’re going to rot in hell for what you did.”
Delores ran to her car and slammed the door. Seconds later she realized she’d rushed out too quickly, but she wasn’t about to ask them to use their bathroom again. They’d hold that against her too.
Chapter Sixty
Delores blew right past Dr. Jeanine Moreno and flopped into her usual seat. “I got thrown out by a perv. I’m a cop. I should have been the one throwing him out.”
“Thrown out of what?” Jeanine said, as she settled into the remaining chair.
Delores launched into the details of her visit with her mother and Tio. Ultimately, she said, “By the time I got out of there, I was so angry I never got around to asking them for the loan.”
“Did you try to choose kindness over being correct?”
Delores scoffed. “I tried to, but it didn’t work. I swear, I could screw up a one-piece puzzle.”
“Alright then. If you didn’t choose kindness, what did you choose and what were the results?”
Oh, crap. Jeanine had a way of getting right to Delores’s secrets. “I’m ashamed to say it, Jeanine.”
“Well, we can talk about the weather if you think that will help you solve your problems.” She smiled, kindly. “Do you know why there aren’t many clouds in the desert?”
Delores sighed. “All I got out of it was a bad bout of diarrhea. Tio was damn lucky I didn’t shoot him for that too. After I got home I took a shower, washed out my clothes and then went to a bar.”
“A bar? To get drunk?”
Delores shook her head and brushed some stray strands of hair to the side. “I hate being out of control, Jeanine. I thought I could get my mind off what happened if I could pick somebody up.”
“Fascinating. Did it work?”
“Hell, no. I’m too ugly.”
“Oh, baloney. You’re an attractive woman. You should be able to cull a horny dude out of a bar any time you want.”
Delores looked directly at Jeanine. “To tell the truth, I had a couple chances but I was so bitchy I hated myself. Apparently nobody else liked me either.”
“Have you ever done that before? Felt out of control and then tried to pick somebody up, I mean?”
A vision of cowboy Clint flashed through Delores’s mind. She covered her face with her hands and bobbed her head up and down.
“Can you tell me about one of these situations?”
Delores sat back and dug her fingers into the arms of the chair. “A couple weeks ago, at the beach, I was angry with myself for being such a coward and pushing Gordon away.”
“Gordon? The English gentleman we talked about last time?”
“I didn’t tell you everything, Jeanine. After I ran away from Gordon, I needed a power trip of some kind to prove I wasn’t a coward. To tell you the truth, it felt like revenge.”
<
br /> “Revenge? Revenge against Gordon?”
“Not against Gordon. I was angry with myself for getting scared in the first place.”
“So to convince yourself that you weren’t really a coward you did something that you thought was brave and reckless?”
“I know it sounds stupid, but I can handle the risk of recklessness way easier than the risk of romance.”
“Alright then. Tell me what happened.”
“I got all whorish and went to a cowboy bar and met a big guy. We went to dinner and then to his hotel."
“How’d that make you feel?”
“Powerful. When he found out I’m a cop he started asking me all these questions about whether I’d ever done it in a jail cell or with my uniform on, things like that. To tell you the truth it was kinda exciting to know I aroused him. That meant I was the one with all the power as opposed to when I was with Gordon and I couldn’t know if he’d use me and then dump me.”
“I see—”
“But when we got back to his room, he wanted to tie me to his bed and I realized I’d gone too far. I told him I changed my mind and made him take me back to the bar.”
Jeanine unfolded her legs. “So you didn’t actually have sex with him?”
“No. I felt guilty for leading him on.”
“But you’ve done this other times and actually went all the way?”
“A few times.”
“Alright, let’s go back to what caused all this and see if I can summarize it. If I remember correctly, when Gordon said he wanted to get to know you better, you recalled the helpless feeling you had when you were a little girl and Tio fondled you and your sister; since you couldn’t know if Gordon was using you in the same way, you felt out of control, so you panicked and ran away. But later, you knew that cops shouldn’t be cowardly. So you had to prove to yourself that you’re not afraid of the unknown, so you went to a bar. But then, when you found somebody you could manipulate, he got a little too creepy so you changed your mind. Do I have it right?”
Delores shook her head. “I told you I’m a nut case.”
“I wouldn’t say that. I once had a patient who dealt with similar problems by burning herself with cigarettes. She had dozens of wounds and said the physical pain was easier to deal with than the psychological pain.”
“Poor thing.”
“Life isn’t always easy, Delores. Now, I’d like to fast-forward to the mini-war you had with Tio. After the blowup with him and your mother, you went to a bar again. Was that revenge too?”
Delores nodded. “I was angry with myself for losing my cool and never getting around to why I went there in the first place.”
“Okay. So you lost control again and wanted to distract yourself from your anger by going to a bar, but when it came right down to it, you got ugly, as you called it. Why didn’t you play nice, pick up some good-looking man-prize and go have a wild time?”
“I dunno, Jeanine. I’m so damn confused.”
“The common theme throughout all of this is control. When you become angry or meet somebody you’d like to trust, you feel out of control and to escape that feeling you find somebody else and let him think he is picking you up, but it is actually the other way around. You become the manipulator as opposed to the manipulatee. You are the one who has the power. Does that sound like anybody else you know?”
Delores glared at her shrink. “Oh my God, Jeanine. I’m doing the exact same things to men as Dixon and Tio do to women. I’m no better than they are.”
Jeanine nodded slowly. “At least you’re not stealing anybody’s dignity.”
“Yeah, that’s true. I just want revenge.”
“Or control. But, there’s something else you should know. All this bizarre activity is not really retaking control at all.”
“It’s not? What is it then?”
“It’s just another version of the same thing. You’re still allowing the guys you don’t like to control you.”
“How can that be? They’re not even there.”
“Oh, yes, they are. They’re deep inside your head. Anytime you react to something somebody else says or does, whether it’s run away or seduce a cowboy or anything else, you are allowing others to manipulate you, even if they’re not in the room.”
“Oh, my God, Jeanine. You’re right.”
“When it comes to relationships, there are very few guarantees. You might indeed discover that the Gordons in your life only want a physical fling. You might even get dumped by a few guys. Love isn’t always emotionally tidy. But what’s the alternative? Denying yourself real love? Running away from nice guys? Going to sleazy bars? How has that worked out?”
Delores pinched her lips together.
“I know it’s difficult, but the next time you meet a man you like, try to remind yourself that Tio doesn’t get to control you anymore. Tell yourself that you’re not going to run away and you’re not going to manipulate others. Excuse yourself if you have to. Go to the restroom and get in touch with your IMT like we practiced. Ask yourself if you really want to get to know this guy or not. And then kindly act on that information.”
“I see what you mean. It’s so obvious.”
“Not always. If it were, I’d be out of work. The bottom line is it’s usually best to neither force nor avoid your relationships. Just do what’s natural—unless, of course, you become interested in a married man, in which case run like the wind right back here. That can be the worst situation of all.”
Delores grinned. “I’ve got enough troubles without going there.”
“Good.” Jeanine glanced at the clock on her desk. “We still have a little time. Would you like a couple other pointers before you leave or have you had enough of my nagging for one day?”
“Please.”
“For starters, I’m pleased with the outcome of your last two trips to the bar compared to the previous times when you actually had sex with strangers.”
Delores lifted her head high. “Are you sure, because I felt like I’d failed again—this time for not following through?”
“But who had control? You or Tio? In a sense, you were finally acting differently than him and that’s a good sign. Next, I suggest you look for some new hobby that you can use to soothe your anxieties. Something external.”
“External?”
“As opposed to reading or cooking or driving where you’re alone with your thoughts. You already do those things. To balance things out, consider reaching out to others. Volunteer to work at a seniors’ facility or in a maternity ward or a soup kitchen. Anything where you’re a helper and a leader. As you hand out support and wisdom you’ll gain confidence and feel good about yourself.”
“That sounds good. I like children. There are a few grade schools in my community.”
“That’s the idea. Any school would love to have a law enforcement officer come around and talk with their young girls.”
Delores smiled. “Okay. I should be able to find something fun to do.”
“Good. Now, let’s discuss your mother’s IMT for a moment. What if down deep, she truly knows you and Simone were correct all along? What if she really does know that Tio did all those awful things to her girls? What if she was so afraid of how she’d raise her girls in his absence that she couldn’t bring herself to face what was happening?”
“I’ve thought about that.”
“It’s a form of deviant behavior. That is, she deviated from what most people would do in that situation. It doesn’t mean she didn’t believe you. It means she was scared more than you could ever imagine.”
“She must have been secretly happy to see us leave, for our own sake.”
“That’s certainly a possibility. I think she loves you more than you realize. I think she says certain things to encourage you to stay where you’re safer. What if a woman who loves you that much knew you had been doing risky things with strange men? What would be her IMT?”
Delores nodded. Jeanine understood her bet
ter than anybody else. “She’d be extremely worried about me.”
“Doesn’t a person like that deserve kindness more than being corrected?”
PING!
Chapter Sixty-One
Like a jet plane with a flat tire, Delores was on the verge of an incredible journey, but couldn’t get off the ground. All she needed to gather the necessary evidence she needed was a measly seven hundred bucks. Basically out of options, she’d checked public records to find out who owned the Cal-Vista apartments. His name was Rodger Kraft.
When she found out the man hung out at the complex she placed a two-birds-with-one-stone type of call. Her first objective was to find out just how much Kraft knew about Dixon’s antics and/or if the man was in on any of it; the second issue had to do with seven hundred dollars.
Expecting Rodger Kraft any minute, Delores was always aware of her youthful appearance. She dressed professionally and attached her badge to her belt. The visitor arrived and shook her hand. She recognized him as an elderly white guy she’d seen around the property. “I haven’t been in many police buildings,” he said.
She pointed to a chair and sat across from him, then flicked on a small recorder. “Thanks for coming in, Mr. Kraft. Can I get you something to drink?”
“No thanks. I just finished some water.” He tilted his head. “You look familiar. Do I know you?”
“We’ve never met,” she said decisively.
“You still haven’t told me why I’m here.”
“I need to ask you a few questions. We know you own the Cal-Vista apartments. Do you own any other buildings?”
“One property is enough for me. Why do you ask?”
“I’ll get to that, but I need a little background first. How would you rate Mr. Browne as a manager?”
“Dixon? Outstanding, especially back when the economy was better.”
“Oh? How did that affect you?”
“The rising interest rates caused financially challenged people to lose their homes. With tens of thousands of extra homes on the market, prices dropped and builders had to shut down. Many of our tenants, and others like them, relied on those construction jobs and couldn’t pay their rent.”