Chapter 7
The next week at school, things got stranger and then just as quickly started becoming real clear. On Wednesday, I had a funny feeling. Something about the way people were acting towards me didn't seem right. Seemed like people didn't want to make eye contact or were scared to look me in the face. At first I thought I was just being paranoid, but then I started paying more attention and began to notice other things. People were talking to me, sitting by me in class, and eating lunch with me, but I didn't feel like we were communicating—as if something was being left out. As the day went on, I got more hypersensitive and started feeling separated from everyone. I felt like I was an observer watching a movie, and I was in it, but it was mostly of everything going on around me.
Then on Thursday at the beginning of lunch, I'd just left history class and was headed towards my locker. My plan was to grab my purse, get in line for the snack machine before it got to long, and then get out to Calvin's car because he always likes to leave right away. It was typical lunchtime. The hall was crowded with kids with everyone bumping into each other, carrying on conversations, yelling at their friends down the hall, and trying to get to where they needed to go. Someone had turned out the hall lights like they always do, which made it kinda dark and chaotic. And for some reason, the floor seemed really sticky like someone had spilled soda all over it or something. I squeezed my way between a bunch of people and got to my locker, grabbed my purse and slammed the door. Then I walked across the hall to the snack machine and got in line behind two girls.
I had my hand in my purse and was fumbling around for quarters. I looked down the hall and saw Calvin come out of Mrs. Garrison's room and start walking my way. He seemed dark and thoughtful as he moved through the crowd of kids, and when our eyes met, I could tell he was mad. He walked straight towards me, knocking into people as he went and furrowing up his brow like he was thinking about what he was gonna say. When he got to where I was, he stood right in front of me as if trying to block my path and asked, "What's going on?"
I said, "Nothing. What's going on with you? You look all pissed off or something."
He kinda winced like he was in pain and asked, "What is it I'm supposed to know?"
I said, "What are you talking about?"
He grabbed my arms right above my elbows and pushed me back into the snack machine and yelled, "What is it?"
I said, "Why don't you let go of me, motherfucker!" I brought my leg up to try to push him away with my foot, but he brought his knee up, stuck it in my stomach, and pinned me against the machine.
He kept repeating, "What is it? What is it I'm supposed to know?"
I said, "Get the hell off me, you fuck!"
Then I heard Kearns yell, "Let her go!"
But Calvin didn't. He kept holding my arms and leaning into me, asking, "What is it?"
Kearns was coming down the hall now, saying, "Let her go, Calvin…Get off her," and K.P., who was standing behind Calvin, was also saying, "Let her go, man." Then, right before Kearns got to where we were, K.P. grabbed Calvin around the shoulders and pulled him off me. First thing I wanted to do was pop Calvin right in the face. The only thing that stopped me, besides Kearns who was now standing between us, was that I was so busy thinking about the question Calvin was asking. Calvin took a step back, threw his arms up to get K.P. off of him, then turned away looking confused. Some girls were yelling at Calvin—Caitlin, Latisha, and Chelsea—saying that he needed to get beat down and calling him an asshole. Kearns yelled at them to back off and be quiet, then told everyone to calm down, saying, "All right, everyone just relax." Then he turned to me and asked, "You okay?" I said I was fine, but it came out sounding all choked up. He took my arm and said, "Here, let's go to my classroom," and he started pulling me down the hall. I resisted at first. I wanted to gather myself, and I was still watching Calvin, trying to figure out what he was tripping on. Kearns kept pulling me, saying, "Come on, Macy," and telling people to get out of our way. So I went with him as he led me by my arm through the crowd of students. But as I started walking, I looked back over my shoulder at Calvin and saw Tammy standing at the end of the hall with her arms crossed. The way she stood there, looking all calm and observant, I got the feeling she'd seen the whole thing, like she was just taking it all in. And she was staring right at me—kind of squinting her eyes and looking me over like she was coming up with some final assessment of who I was or something. And the way she was looking at me…well, it was as though I was the one who'd done something wrong.
As I walked with Kearns down the hall, I could tell he was pissed at Calvin. I could hear it in his voice, like he had a lot of adrenaline going through him. I figured he was gonna let Tammy handle Calvin, with her being right there and seeing it all, but then a strange thing happened. As I turned to go into Kearns's room, I took one more look down the hall, and what did I see?—Tammy, with her arms around Calvin giving him a big hug. It was the most fucked up shit I ever saw. And now I knew what this was all about.
I felt dizzy. I was standing on the ground, but the whole room was spinning around my head. I stood just inside the door of Kearns's room with my right arm hugging my purse while Kearns asked me what happened. "Just tell me what Calvin did, Macy." I couldn't even answer him. I could hardly hear what he was saying. All I could see in front of me was this picture of Calvin being hugged by Tammy. He looked like a sad little boy, Calvin did—like a sad, pouting, six-foot-one little boy who was about to cry. And the way he let Tammy hug him, the way he let her put her arms around him, almost throwing his head over her shoulder, it was as if he knew he had something to be sad about. I stood there with this image in my head and felt a panic growing deep in my gut. It was this feeling I get when something has happened or is going to happen, and it can't be stopped, and all you can do is dread the things that are coming. And just beyond the panic and dread was a terrible sadness—the kind that makes you weak in the knees and makes you wanna collapse into a ball and cry. And that's why I couldn't explain anything to Kearns, why I didn't wanna think about it, because I was afraid I would burst into tears.
I could hear him asking me, "Macy, just tell me what happened. Did you hit Calvin?" but I couldn't answer him. I felt numb. My mind was clouding over and starting to drift…to somewhere, anywhere that was away from the events of the last few minutes. I stared across the empty classroom and through the broken shutters and out the windows to the basketball court where I saw movement. It looked like elves…a whole herd of them. They were running, skipping, and moving in disorganized packs, around and around in large circles across the pavement. The elementary kids were having recess. They were chasing balls and chasing each other with their coats unzipped and falling off their shoulders…tumbling, laughing, and charging off in all directions the way kids do, as if they were being pushed around by some invisible hand. They seemed incredibly happy, and on every one of their faces I saw the most fantastic, evil smile.
I watched the bigger kids hurling balls at the little kids. They'd yank a ball out of some kid's hand and fire it into the back of his head as he ran away. It looked vicious and fun, with the little kids letting loose on the big kids when they could and running pell mell in joyful fear when they couldn't. It was relaxing watching them play. It felt like all the tension I was feeling, right then, had begun flowing through my eyes and out to the basketball court and was disappearing into the sky. Way in the back of my mind, I could hear Kearns asking me questions and telling people to stay out of the room. "What were you guys fighting about?" he'd ask. Then I'd hear him yelling at the people who were trying to come in the door. He said, "Macy, you need to tell me what happened," but I was busy watching little feet dancing across the pavement.
"Why are you ignoring me, Macy?"
I see the little kids gather up on the far side of the court with their balls. They have a plan. They're gonna gang up on one of the bullies, but the big kids realize what they're up to and charge the little kids—the kids scatter and run…"M
acy, please talk to me"…Some kids try to throw their ball and get a shot off, while others have the ball yanked from their hands. Soon, the big kids have all the balls, and the game begins again.
"Macy!"
A loud bang on the door made me jump. People were waiting to eat their lunch, and they were getting angry and starting to make noise in the hall. Kearns was pacing around the room now, looking irritated. He'd stop to lean on the back of a chair and hang his head in frustration, then he'd let out a big sigh and go back to pacing. He said, "Come on, Macy. I gotta go talk to Calvin, and I need to know what happened," but I could tell by the way he said it, he knew I wasn't gonna talk to him about it.
I muttered, "You saw what happened."
He asked, "So that's all? He held you against the snack machine. Did he hit you or anything?" I shook my head.
He stood there silent for a moment, then asked, "So what was he mad about?"
I didn't answer him. I stood there staring at the floor, frozen by a dull rage and wishing I was somewhere else. I could feel Kearns watching me and waiting, wanting me to say something. I heard him ask in a warm, sympathetic voice, "So, you gonna be all right?"
I said, "Yeah."
"You sure? You wanna go sit in the office for a while?" I shook my head. He stood there looking at me for a moment longer, then patted me on the shoulder and reached for the door. He said, "Of course you're gonna be all right. You're a tough girl, Macy. And Calvin's lucky you didn't kick his ass."
He opened the door and said, "All right, you can come in." A crowd of kids exploded through the door and began filling the room. People were bumping me as they came in—I knew they were all crump about what just happened. I could see them looking at me as they sat down to eat their lunch, wanting to ask me about it but seeing I didn't want to be asked. Kearns stood there a bit longer and chatted with some of the kids. Then he told me I should stay in his room for a while and left. So I did.
I moved towards the windows, sat down in a chair away from the other students, and tried to escape back into the drama that was taking place outside. But it was no use. A nagging sound was taking hold inside my brain. It began as a thought that I tried to put out of my mind, and then it became this image of Calvin leaning towards me, looking fierce and angry. I closed my eyes and squeezed and tried to make it go away…because I didn't want to think about it, not there, not in Kearns's classroom with all those kids around. They were eyeing me, wondering what was up, and whispering to each other. One thing I knew for sure is that I didn't want them to see me crying…But Calvin's voice kept ringing in my head, "What is it?…What is it I'm supposed to know?" It sounded so sad and pleading the way he was asking, and it was making me sadder and sadder every time it repeated…because I knew the answer to his question…and I knew that soon Calvin would too.
I see a boy get hurt out on the basketball court. He's lying on his side, holding his wounded knee, bawling, not able to move. A big kid comes over and tries to act concerned because he was nearby, and he thinks that's what he should be doing. But he doesn't know what to do. He puts his hand on him, but the kid is still bawling his head off, so he looks over his shoulder for the teacher…And there it was again, looming in front of me…that heavy, misty image, as if seen through a red haze, of Calvin being held in Tammy's arms—"What is it I'm supposed to know?"
I wanted to move and get out of the building and get some air. So I got up, made my way between the tables and out of Kearns's classroom, and started walking down the hall. Kids were staring at me as I passed by them. When I walked by the computer lab, I saw some girls sitting around the teacher's desk playing spades, and I heard someone say my name. They were talking about me, and I wondered how much they knew. What had Corena told them? I walked past Tammy's office. Her door was shut, but I could hear Kearns on the other side, raising his voice. I left the building and went out to the parking lot, and when I got there, I saw all the cars were gone. Calvin, Corena, and Lori had all left for lunch, which was good, but also terrible because I knew no one wanted to talk to me. They were avoiding me, and I knew why. Even Hope had left—I thought at least she'd be waiting for me. All I wanted to do was go home. I thought about walking, but I was afraid I'd run into kids I didn't want to see, driving back to school.
I wandered around the parking lot and in between cars, kicking gravel and trying not to cry. Eventually, I went behind the concession stand over by the ball fields and bummed a smoke off of one of the girls. Then I went back inside, got some food out of the snack machine, and hung out in Ms. Strauss's room until computer class. I didn't talk to Calvin or anyone else for the rest of the day, and no one talked to me. I knew it was just a matter of time.
~~~
That night, Calvin called and started asking the same question over and over. He said, "Corena told me she knows something about you."
I said, "Then why don't you ask Corena? Maybe she's just fucking with you. Why are you taking it out on me?"
But he kept asking, "What is it? I wanna know," so I hung up on him.