grizzly looking man in a very shiny suit is sitting on my chest. “Werewolf?” I ask. He smiles.
“You’re the real thing, huh?” he asks me. “A psychic or something.” He gets off of me and grabs me by the arm and yanks me to my feet. He dusts me off and laughs. “I haven’t seen one of you guys in years. The real thing I mean.”
“You friends with the vampire?” I ask him. His smile vanishes fast. “Well, acquaintance?
“You could say that,” he says. “I’m called Shimmy. Flashy fucker by day. Werewolf by night. I heard you paid Harry a visit. Don’t do it again. You don’t want to be a part of what’s going to happen.”
“You’re the second person to say that to me today,” I tell him. He raises an eyebrow. “Oh, not another werewolf or nothing. Dead crossing guard. She couldn’t tell me what was coming. Can you?”
“The less you know, man” he says. He runs his hands through his hair and lets it fall around his shoulders. That move has been practiced. “Some real bad stuff. Look, I have been following you since you left Harry. I saw you running from the cops. You going home? Turning yourself in?”
“No,” I tell him. “I need to grab some stuff.” I look around. “You scared all my ghosts. Thanks.” He smiles. “Now if that’s all I’ll be going.”
“Good luck,” he says. “Remember: stay out of this.” I can't take this anymore.
“Take your good luck and shove it up your ass” I tell him. He is in my face before I can blink. I don’t back down. I’m not even close to a pussy. This guy doesn’t scare me. “You’re not that much bigger than me. And I know that you have some extra power from being half animal and all that. But I’m squirrelly. You wouldn’t beat me as fast as you think. I suggest you get out of my face.” He gets a bit closer. “Fine. Mom. Dad.”
My parents appear and grab Shimmy by his arms and slam him to the ground. He looks around confused, wondering why he can't get up. I sit on his chest this time.
“Thanks,” I tell my parents. “Now, Shimmy. I don’t care about you or the vampire. All I want is to clear my name and get back to life as usual. I know that it is a very strange and shitty life but it is mine to live strangely and shittily. I don’t need boogiemen and whatever else is hiding out there to give me any warnings. My parents were Christian. If I can survive them I can survive anything.”
“You’re making a big mistake, guy” Shimmy says.
“I chance it” I tell him and walk away.
As soon as the werewolf leaves all the ghost come back. Bunch of chickens. I cross through my neighbors’ yards and peak into my backyard. I say neighbor when what I really mean is the person that lives next to me who never says a word. Not that I’m upset or anything. She’s not even hot. I mean, she’s not ugly either. She’s just there.
I scale her fence and land harder than I planned. The ghosts all laugh. Asses. I crawl over to my back door and press my ear to it. I don’t hear anything. They left it open. Dicks. I slowly push it open and make my way inside. It feels so strange sneaking around my own place. I freeze when I look in the corner. That’s the spot where less than twenty four hours ago Louise placed Beth. I shake that image from my head and repeat TJ Mackie’s speech from “Magnolia.” Not the “Tame the pussy. Respect the cock” one. The one where he says “The most useless thing in the world is that which is behind us.” It’s good advice and I wish I could follow it more.
I hear a sound from upstairs. Shit. I rush over to my laundry room and grab some of my clothes and toss them in a bag. Footsteps come down the stairs and click as they enter my kitchen. I hide on the side of the door and wait.
“Fucking pigsty,” one of them says. “They say this creepy bastard made a ton of money. You wouldn’t know from the way he kept this place up.” When did cops become decorators? “Is there anything in the fridge?”
“I think the EMT’s ate the stew that was in there,” the other says. “I bet there were some body parts in it. This guy is crazy. You see how many bottles and cans were in the backyard?!” I’m recycling! How dare these dicks? “When we catch this guy I’m gonna have to wear gloves! Oh, here’s a couple of beers. Want one?”
“Sure,” the other says. Okay, enough’s enough. I’m not the world’s best fighter. This is a known fact. I do so well against the ghosts because they can't really fight back. These guys are trained cops. Lazy cops, but trained nonetheless. Why am I even hesitating? I just faced down a werewolf!
I wait until both of them start drinking and dive out of the laundry room. I punch the bottle as one of them has it to his lips. It gets rammed down his throat and he gags and drops to the floor. The other drops the bottle and whips his gun out. I rush into the living room and hear a thud and gunshot. I wait a few moments and stick my head around the corner. The cop that had the gun slipped on the beer and knocked himself out and shot his friend in the process. Might as well add cop killer to my list of charges.
Shit.
What do I do? I step around them and sit down. I should be running away as fast as possible but I need to wait a minute and talk to the dead one. It doesn’t take long for a ghost to get out of the body. He does and looks around shocked. He sees me and reaches for a gun that doesn’t work.
“Freeze, asshole!” he shouts and fires nothing. His gun explodes as if its real but nothing happens. I wait. It won’t take long for all of the dead information to get downloaded into his head. “Oh.” He puts his gun back in his holster and looks at his corpse. “Sorry, man. But we really did think that you murdered your wife. I mean, ex wife.”
“Sure thing” I tell him. “Can you give me some information?” I ask. “What evidence do they have that I killed my ex wife?”
“Some lawyer had her tailed and the last person she was seen with was you at a motel” he says.
“Tailed?” I ask. “For how long?”
“Not sure,” he says.
“So Anthony knew we were fucking,” I say aloud. “This doesn’t make sense. So you know about the kid that tried to rob me and ended up killing her instead, right?”
“Now I do,” he says. “But I’m dead now. There’s nothing I can do about it. Dead. Crazy. So what do I do now? I hear that you deal with ghosts. A few of us think you’re insane. Do I go to Heaven or what?”
“I can send you away but I’m not sure where” I tell him. He looks nervous. “Look, I really need to clear my name from all of this. You being dead and that”, I say while pointing to the unconscious cop, “doesn’t help at all.” Suddenly the knocked out cop sits up. Well, his ghost does. “What the hell?!”
“Freeze!” he shouts and then spots his partner standing there talking to me. “Oh, come on!” he shouts. “I can't be dead! I just finished paying for my Porsche! This is horse shit!” He starts flickering.
“Settle down,” I tell him. He looks at me and makes a dive. He goes right through and lands on the floor. “In a second you’ll realize that you’re being an idiot and I’ll ask for your help. I need to clear my name and the two of you are gonna help me.”
“I’m not helping shit!” he says and dives for me again. I touch his chest and he disappears.
Can this day get any worse?
Every time I ask if something can get worse it finds a way to. Some people talk about how when you put something out there in the stratosphere it will come true. For some reason it only works with bad shit. I can scream that I want millions and it will never happen. Just when me and helpful ghost are about to leave we hear a car pull up.
“My partner” the cop says. “He left to grab some more evidence bags. You’re not going to kill him, are you?”
“I haven’t killed anyone before and I'm sure as hell not starting with a cop,” I remind him. “Use your ghost mojo and figure out a way out of here without me having to see your buddy.” He vanishes for a second and reappears. “He’s coming around back. If we time it properly we can get out the front door just as he’s entering and he’ll never see you. But he will see those bodies on the floor and co
me out firing. I know how he thinks. So as soon as he gets in we have to start running. Well, you’ll have to start running.”
I nod and just as he said, his partner comes through the back door. He shouts and I hear him drop his stuff. I run out the front door but it slams behind me. Louise used to bitch at me for that. I never bothered to fix the damned thing. I run as fast as I can and hear a bullet hit a tree I just passed. The ghost is running next to me.
“You’re lucky,” he says.
“Really?!” I ask. “I’m not feeling too lucky right now!”
“My partner never misses a shot,” he says. “Hold on.” He disappears and comes right back. “He’s calling for backup. You should probably find somewhere to hide. Got any friends?”
“You know I don’t,” I tell him. “You’ve seen my files. There’s no place for me to go.”
“I know a place,” he tells me. He rambles off the directions and I burn it into my head. “If you get lost I’ll find you and get you back on track, okay?”
“Thanks, man,” I tell him and continue running. “What’s your name?”
“Just call me Rob,” he says and leaves.
Where he told me to go isn’t too far. I know I look crazy in this ugly ass shirt and dirty ill-fitting pants. There’s no time to change into what I brought with me. Not yet. I can hear sirens everywhere. When I see lights or spot a cruiser I dive into the bushes. As