Slowly, I stand up and stumble to the fridge for another beer. This has been my life for the past two weeks—sitting around feeling sorry for myself and drinking until I can't think anymore. Thinking hurts way too fucking much. So does feeling.
There's a knock on the door. "Lucy," I whisper. My heart thumps as I try to gather my thoughts—try to remember the last time I showered. I sniff my armpits, and then my shirt. I think I'm good.
Another knock.
"Hang on!"
I take a look around the living room, there's nothing but empty packets of junk food and beer cans.
Knock knock.
Fuck it.
Taking long strides to get to the door faster, I place my hand on the handle and take a few calming breaths. "You got this."
I open the door.
"C-Money."
My shoulders slump—along with my entire fucking body.
"That's not happiness to see me," she coos.
"Roxy." I nod, leaving the door open and sitting back on the couch. She closes the door behind her and follows, sitting down next to me.
"How the hell did you even know where I was?"
"I ran into your roommate at a party last night, he told me."
Fucking Minge.
She adds, "So, I probably don't need to ask how you are... going by the state of your appearance I take it you and Lucy are done?"
I shuffle further away from her and lean my elbows on my knees. "I don't know."
"Cameron," she says, scooting closer and running a hand down my arm. I try not to flinch at her touch. She sighs. "Do you want to get your mind off her?"
I laugh once. "You give me a way to stop thinking about her and I'll do it."
"Cameron," she says again. And it's kind of settling—familiar in a way that I can't explain.
"What?"
The warmth of her hand on my leg makes me look at her for the first time since she got here. She smiles at me and my guard drops a little. She's the first person that's treated me like I actually have feelings. "We're friends, right?" she asks.
I shrug. "I guess."
Her hand moves higher up my leg.
"I could help you forget her," she whispers.
My eyes narrow.
Realization sets in.
Then a thousand fucking emotions run through me. "Can I ask you something?"
"Anything," she says, smiling again.
"Are you into me? Like into me. Did you ever want to be more than just friends? The whole helping me study and all that shit—was there more to it?"
She looks away for a moment, as if contemplating her next words. "I kind of thought I made that obvious."
My eyes shut.
Inhale.
Exhale.
Her hand on my leg squeezes once.
She says my name again.
And now I know what Lucy felt all those times I read her—that calmness she felt, the one right before the storm.
I open my eyes, the booze doing nothing at all for my now clear head. "But you knew that I loved Lucy, right? I mean, I never said or did anything to make you feel otherwise. There was never a time where I made you actually think that I'd choose you over her."
Her eyes search mine when she speaks. "It was just a matter of time," she says with an unjustified confidence. "You and me—we're the same people. She's different than us, Cameron. She's better than us. People like you and me belong together. For her—you were just a phase. A hobby. A moment of slumming."
"Shut up!" I clip.
She laughs in disbelief.
If she were a guy, I'd punch her. "You don't know shit about us—or our relationship. You don't know anything." I shake my head and stand up, and then I release the storm. "You took advantage of me, Roxy. You knew I needed help and you became that, but I had no fucking idea you had ulterior motives. Maybe to you, what you were doing was obvious, and maybe I'm naive, or maybe I'm just so in love with another girl that I never even noticed it. I never thought of you like that. Not once. Not even for a second. But you're right about one thing—she is better than me. And I'm the luckiest asshole in the world for having her and keeping her for as long as I did. So whether or not things work out with us—just remember that it had nothing to do with you. You didn't win. I won't let you."
Her eyes thin to slits. She opens her mouth to speak but I cut her off. "I'm going to my room. You have five minutes to get you and your whore clothes out of here, and if you don't, I have no issue kicking your fat ass out the door."
I walk to my room and slam the door, then lean against it and drop my head between my shoulders.
I try to level my breathing. Try to settle my nerves. Try to find that calm again.
Because she worked out the one insecurity I've always had but never let myself voice.
*
A half hour later, there's another knock. I don't bother getting my hopes up this time.
Minge stands on the other side with a six-pack of beer. Like I need any more beers.
"Yo," I say.
"'Sup." He sniffs the air. "You smell like expired feet."
I open the door and sit on the couch, my favorite place in the entire world.
"I brought beer as an apology," he says.
"Why are you sorry? Because Lucy left me? That's not your fault."
He sets the beer on the table and sits on the recliner. "No, because I was buzzed last night and told that hot chick, Roxy, where you lived."
"She's not hot," I bite out.
"Maybe not Lucy standard hot but for me she's hot."
I don't respond.
"Anyway," he adds. "I just thought I'd come by and say sorry, and warn you that she might show up soon."
"She already has."
"Oh shit. How did that go?"
I ignore his question and drop my head in my hands. "I need to speak to Lucy."
"Have you called her?"
I face him now, sighing loudly as I do. "I'm scared."
"Why?"
"Because what if she doesn't answer? Or hangs up on me? And I'm not there to see her face, to know what she's feeling, then I'll spend the rest of my life wondering why she did it... I think I need to see her, like, in person."
"And you don't know where she is?"
I shake my head.
"Well... I mean you've known her forever. You know all her friends and family. She said she was going to the airport, right? So where could she be going that she needs to fly there?"
I pinch the bridge of my nose, trying to stop that thumping in my head. And then it hits me. "Fuck. I need money for a plane ticket."
He doesn't skip a beat. "I have money."
"What?"
"Yeah, I have money. Don't let these shitty clothes and bad hygiene fool you," he laughs. "How much do you need?"
"How the fuck do you have money, you don't even have a car."
His eyes roll. "I'm a free spirit. Save the environment, all that shit. Although, I do need to rent a car for a couple weeks. You have a car. I could just rent yours. It's kind of like fate, huh?"
Even though I suspect he's talking shit—for a moment, I actually consider the possibility. But only for a moment before reality sets in. "I can't," I say, pissed off at the world. "I gotta work on Monday."
"So, today's Saturday... that means you have tomorrow. Where do you plan on flying?"
"New Jersey."
He smiles.
I smile.
And somehow, the world starts spinning again.
CHAPTER THIRTY-ONE
-LUCY-
I switch my e-reader off—unable to concentrate on the words—and take a sip of my soda. I don't enjoy chasing a buzz when Cam's not around. "Better get used to that," I mumble to myself.
"What?" Lucas says, sitting on the chair opposite me. We've spent almost every day outside, in or around the pool.
"Nothing," I answer.
He nods, but keeps looking at me strangely.
I watch the mayhem going on i
n the pool filled with seventeen-year-old boys.
"It's pretty cool here," he says. "Was this what your last high school summer was like?"
Slowly nodding my head, I reply, "I guess."
His brows bunch. "When did Dad build the cabin?"
"End of junior."
"Ohhhh." He nods slowly, then his features change to a look of disgust. "I think I can guess what you got up to then."
I laugh. "It wasn't just that. Our friends came around a lot. Replace the pool with the lake, the bar with a bonfire, and the mansion with my cabin, it comes pretty close to this."
He opens his mouth to speak, then shuts it, then opens it, then shuts it again.
"Say it," I tell him.
He smiles, but it's sad. "Have you spoken to Cam since you left?"
My gaze drops, and my features straighten. "No."
"Lucy..." he sighs.
"What?"
"When I said that we should come here, I kind of meant for a few days. I thought that maybe you needed to get away, clear your head. I didn't think we'd be here for two weeks. I didn't think that it was that big a deal, you know?"
"Lucas, I've been with Cam for five years, how is it not a big—"
"That's not what I meant," he interrupts. "Just give me a second..."
I wait.
And wait.
"I've known Cameron a long time," he starts, "as long you've known him. He's like a brother to me, Lucy. He's a brother to all of us. You know when people ask Lachlan how many brothers and sisters he has; he tells them he has one sister and six brothers. He always, always, says Cam's name first."
I drop the sunglasses that were on my head to cover my eyes; shielding him from the tears I know are coming.
"After Mom died, he was there. Nobody knew why, but nobody asked. When shit got bad with Dad, he stuck up for you. He did what I wanted to do but never could. When you had an eating disorder—"
"You knew?" I tremble.
He nods. "We all knew, Luce. We just didn't know what to do to help you. But Cam—he knew. Somehow, he made it stop. He saved you, and that meant that he saved all of us, because you were our rock. You became a parent to us when we had no one. And you needed saving. You needed someone to help you carry that weight."
I try to breathe through the pain, through the hurt, through the cries that are bursting to escape.
"I just think you should maybe talk to him, Lucy. I think that that fifteen-year-old kid who gave up his world and made you it deserves that. Don't you?"
I nod, because the giant lump in my throat won't allow me to speak.
"Good," he says, a slight smile on his face. "Because he's here."
"What!"
He jerks his head to the side gate where Cameron stands, looking down at the ground with his hands in his pockets.
"You told him where we were?"
He shakes his head. "No. I was out front when a cab dropped him off."
I look over at Cameron again. My heart beats so fast, so loud, that I feel it everywhere. "Not now!" I plead with Lucas.
"Now Luce," he says, getting up from his seat. "It's time."
I suck in a shaky breath as I watch him get up and spin on his heels. "Hey..." He turns back around. "I love you, Lucy goosey smells like poopsy."
I let out a laugh. And a cry. "I love you too, Lucas mucus smells like pukas."
He shakes his head and walks away... toward Cameron. Toward the one guy I've spent two weeks trying to forget.
Cam's head lifts when he sees Lucas approaching. They shake hands, and then he looks at me.
And my world stops.
Breathe.
In.
Out.
-CAMERON-
"Hey." I haven't been this nervous since the few seconds before I finally worked up the courage to kiss her.
I sit on the chair that I saw Lucas on, but I'm distracted. Who the hell are all these guys and why are they here?
"Hey," she says quietly. My eyes drift shut when I feel her hand on the side of my face. "Stop it," she whispers.
I work up the nerve to open them so I can see her. And when I do, my world stops. She's lifted the sunglasses off her head and her clear blue eyes pierce into mine.
"Stop what?" I croak.
She smiles softly. "This." She rubs her hand on my jaw. "Your jaw's all tense... and this..." Her thumb brushes the space between my eyebrows. "They're Lucas and Jason's friends. Don't worry." And for some stupid reason it means something. Like she knows what I'm thinking and she cares enough to ease my fears.
"Hey," I say again, because I don't know what else to say. And then I take her in, and my jaw tenses and my brows furrow again. She's in a plain white bikini, and nothing else. "Can we talk, somewhere more private?"
"Um." She looks around, like she's afraid to be alone. "Okay." She stands up and I follow, walking behind her along the length of the pool. The kids in there all stare at her with their mouths hanging open. I try to glare at them all one by one.
Lucky for me, Lucas is on my side. "Quit perving on my sister, assholes. I catch you doing it again, I'll beat the shit out of all of you."
She walks into the house and up the stairs. It takes everything in me to not touch her, but her ass is in my face and...
"Just here," she says, pulling my attention away from her ass. She opens a door and steps into a bedroom. Then she sits on the bed, her almost naked body on full display. "Lucas said you got out of a cab. Did you fly here?"
I nod, trying not to stare at her body.
"Can you afford that? How did you know I was here?"
I glance at her quickly, before looking away. "I rented out the Delorean to Minge to buy tickets, but no I didn't know you were here. I just had no—"
"You rented out your car for plane tickets and flew here on a whim?"
I nod again.
"Cameron..."
I don't know what she means by saying my name but I don't ask. I'm too fucking nervous, and anxious, and emotional. I'm way too emotional.
"You look nice," I tell her. Then roll my eyes and laugh at myself.
She tries to smile. "I've put on a bit of weight lately, but I'll hit the gym again when I get back on campus."
My eyes narrow and move to her. "So you're coming back?"
"Of course I'm going back. My life's there... well, what's left of it anyway." Her gaze falls to the floor, watching her legs kick back and forth on the edge of the high bed.
"And what do you mean you'll hit the gym again? You went to the gym?"
"Yeah." She nods. "Toward the end of the year... you were always busy and I just—I wanted something to do, so I asked Jake to take me... well not take me, but be there when I was. I knew you wouldn't like me going alone, and I didn't want to ask..."
There's a shooting pain in my heart, the same one that's been there the last two weeks, but it's sharper and hurts a fuckload more.
I lean back on the wall opposite her and shove my hands in my pockets. "I kind of hate that I didn't know what was going on in your life. We still saw each other every night, apart from the last—"
"It was different, Cameron," she says quietly.
I nod slowly.
"I mean the few days before we broke up was..."
My world stops again, but for a different reason this time. My face must show it, because she stops talking. "Are you okay?"
I slide down the wall until my ass hits the floor, unable to stay upright. "It just hurts," I tell her honestly. "I guess when you left you said maybe. You said that maybe our forever was over. I guess deep down I was keeping hope." I sniff back my emotions and look down at the floor. "It's fine. I'm sorry."
"Me too," she whispers.
Moments of silence pass before I finally speak. "How have you been?"
She shrugs. "I've been... I don't know. Thinking?"
"Yeah? What have you been thinking?"
"I think that I have questions I'd like to ask you, but I'm scared."
My eyes
snap to hers. "Ask them. Please? Ask anything." I'm desperate—too desperate. But I don't care.
"Have you seen her since?"
My body tenses, and her hands rise to cover her gasp. I don't know what I was expecting her to ask, but that wasn't it.
"When?"
I drop my head between my shoulders and inhale deeply, waiting for the courage to speak. "Yesterday."
Her sob has my eyes lifting to her. She's bent over herself, one had covering her mouth, and the other on her stomach. "Why?" she says, but before I get a chance to respond she's off the bed and walking toward me—or so I think, but she brushes past me and through the door next to me. A bathroom. I stand frozen while I watch her drop to her knees in front of the toilet and lift the lid. Then sense kicks in, and the vision of her at fifteen doing the exact same thing flood my mind.
"Stop!" I try to shout, but it comes out a whisper. I get to her and pin her arms to her sides. "What are you doing?"
She tries to push me away, but I hold on to her tighter. And slowly, I feel the fight leave her.
I let her go, but hold her shoulders so she has no choice but to look at me. "Fuck, Luce, have you been doing it again?"
She shakes her head, but there's a wariness in her eyes that tell me she's lying. "I'm fine," she says, and now I know she is.
I exhale all the air in my lungs and release my hold on her, then I eye the ceiling, trying to level my thoughts.
She stands up and walks to the sink to splash water on her face.
"Have you?" I ask again, coming to a stand.
She doesn't answer in words, but her tear filled eyes locking with mine is answer enough.
"Fuck." I spin on my heels and leave the bathroom, and then make my way to the bedroom door.
"Where are you going?" she asks, panic clear in her voice.
"I never wanted this, Luce. I never wanted to be the reason why you're back there, doing something so wrong. I created that. I made you want to do that again. I can't... I just can't. I need to let you go."
"Tell me what happened," she says, her arms crossed over her chest.
"What?"
"Why did you see her again? Are you guys... are you dating now?"
"What! No. Fuck no, Luce. She came over yesterday because asshole Minge told her where I was."