“I just hate it here. I miss you guys. You’re both gone all the time now, and Grams hates me—”
“She doesn’t hate you.”
Heidi just stared at me and I felt like I was missing a giant piece of the Heidi puzzle.
“It’s just, you guys have the club and I have nothing. I’m all by myself and I hate it.”
Every word made me feel worse, because I didn’t know what I could do to fix things for her.
“You can always call me.”
“I don’t want to bug you.”
“What about your friend, Penny?”
“Yeah. She and Skye and I are close. But Grams doesn’t like either of them, so I can’t have them over. We all mostly hang out at Penny’s. Her mom’s never around, so we have the house to ourselves.”
That sounded like a situation I didn’t want Heidi involved in.
My hand covered hers to stop the restless tapping. “I know you don’t think so, but I do understand how you feel.”
“How?”
A long sigh eased out of me. I wasn’t comfortable bearing my soul in the middle of a crowded ice cream shop, but if it helped Heidi even a little, then I needed to suck it up. “You know before I met your brother I spent a lot of time on my own. My mom was off scoring drugs or whatever. You’re one of the most important people in the world to me. So, if you need something, call me.”
She lowered her gaze to our hands. “Okay.”
The waitress dropped our check off, but I didn’t take my eyes off Heidi. My mind was spinning, trying to figure out what else to say.
“What do you want to do next?” I asked.
Her eyes widened. “You’re not dropping me off at home?”
“No. I’m yours for the whole day.”
She bounced around in her seat and clapped her hands in front of her. “Oh, I wish it wasn’t Sunday. I’d love to go to the drive-in. We haven’t done that in years.”
Marcel and I had been there recently—with girls—but I didn’t tell Heidi that. I stuffed down a little of the guilt, too. It wouldn’t have killed us to say no to girls who meant nothing to us, to do something nice for the girl who meant everything. “They’re only open Fridays and Saturdays now, right?” I asked instead.
“I think so. Ooh…Penny’s brother said next week they’re showing Final Destination Five and Red Riding Hood.”
First, I wanted to know how old Penny’s brother was, and second, how much time Heidi spent around him, but I decided to sneak those questions in later. “Aren’t you a little young for those?”
She shrugged. “I’ve seen the Final Destination films one through four, so does it really matter?”
“Guess not. I don’t want to be responsible for giving you nightmares.”
“Trust me. Plenty of other things give me nightmares.”
“Heidi—”
“Hi, Murphy.”
I didn’t even have to look up to know the voice belonged to Janice, a girl I hooked up with the last time I was out this way.
“Hi, Janice.” I glanced up and found her studying Heidi. Heidi had a bored expression in place, but her jaw was so tight she might’ve been about to break a tooth.
“I didn’t realize you were back in town.”
“Just got back. I’m doing family stuff.” My hand reached across the table and settled over Heidi’s, so hopefully Janice would get the hint that she was intruding on family time and get lost.
“Oh.” She glanced at Heidi. “Okay. Call me.”
“Sure.”
Heidi wouldn’t even look at me and I felt like a complete jerk. “Let’s get going, Bug.”
She swiped her purse off the bench and slid out, marching to the front door and storming outside. Fucking great.
I stopped at the counter to pay the bill and headed outside to look for Heidi. She wasn’t upset enough that she tried anything crazy, like walking home. No, she was waiting quietly by my bike.
“You okay?”
“Sure. Is that your girlfriend?”
“No.”
“But you had to let her know I was family? So she didn’t think I was competition?”
“Jesus, Heidi. Yeah, I didn’t want her thinking I date little kids.” Aw, fuck. That did not come out the way I meant. I waited for Heidi to start yelling at me about how she wasn’t a little kid, but she didn’t. And somehow her silence was worse.
“I’m sorry you’re embarrassed to be seen with me,” she said quietly.
“I’m not. That’s not what I meant. I figured if she knew you were family, she’d go away quicker.”
She peeked up at me and gave me a hint of a smile.
“Put your helmet on, brat.”
That time I got a full grin out of her.
“Hey, Friday we’ll go to the drive-in, okay?” Marcel and I needed to get our shit straight and visit Heidi more often.
“You mean it?”
“Yeah. I’ll talk to Marcel about it later.”
Her mouth turned down and I realized she expected it to be just the two of us. Hellfuckingno.
Instead of her house, I pointed us toward Rt. 30. There was a small hiking spot with some pretty views of the Catskill Mountains and that was where I ended up stopping. A short but steep hike led to some breathtaking views of the surrounding mountains and creek.
Heidi navigated the rocky climb easily, while I was out of breath by the time we got to the top. It was embarrassing.
When we stopped, she poked me in the gut. “Maybe more time on the treadmill and less time lifting weights.”
Heidi had to be the only person, besides one of the brothers, who could get away with saying something like that. “No kidding. Too much time spent on my ass lately,” I grumbled.
Her laughter was so sweet, I didn’t even care that she was poking fun at me. Next thing I knew, she was wrapping her arms around my middle, resting her head on my chest. “I love you no matter what,” she mumbled.
I was sort of off-balance from having her pressed up against me. She felt good. Too good. Bad good. My hands settled on her shoulders and I pushed her away a bit. She stared up at me and an uncomfortable skitter ran down my spine. Whatever was happening wasn’t right, and I was the one who had to stop it.
Even if I didn’t want to.
“So, who’s Penny’s brother? You’ve never mentioned him before.”
“Bret?” Her shoulders lifted. “He’s a junior.”
“Junior what?”
She rolled her eyes. “A junior in high school.”
“And he hangs out with a bunch of thirteen-year-old girls?”
Her face scrunched up. “Yeah, so what? Penny’s his sister.”
“Hmmm. He doesn’t bother you, does he?”
“No. What’s wrong? You hang out with me, and you’re older than Bret.”
Yeah, and I was starting to think that was a bad idea. “That’s different.”
“He did try to kiss me once.”
“He did what?” Sounded like Marcel and I needed to have a face to fist chat with this kid. She stared at me as if she didn’t understand my outrage.
“Nothing happened. I told him my first kiss was for someone else.”
It took a second for her words to register in my overheated brain. “Who?”
“You,” she whispered.
I was stupefied. Tongue-tied. I didn’t know what the fuck to say or do. This was new and unfamiliar. Weird and awful, but her words also warmed me from the inside out. Because part of me really liked the idea of kissing her first. Part of me really, really wanted to be her first everything.
And I hated myself for it.
“That’s a bad idea, Heidi-bug,” I finally said.
Her mouth turned down and she took another step back. “Why?”
“Let’s see. Because you’re thirteen and I’m twenty-one.” Christ, even saying it out loud made me feel like a dirty sleaze. “Your brother’s my best friend and would probably kill me. And you’re like my little sister
.”
“I’m not your sister.”
Believe me, I was very aware of that fact right now. “I’ve known you since you were a baby.”
She tilted her head to the side and studied me. “None of those reasons have anything to do with what you want.”
I swear to Christ sometimes she was more like thirty than thirteen.
“Well, I don’t want to kiss you, Heidi. You’re a kid.”
My lie did the trick. Hurt spread over her face. Her pain resonated in my chest. She was the sweetest person in my life, and I hated hurting her more than anyone. I was so fucked in the head, I didn’t know what else to do to end this craziness.
“Come on, let’s get you home before your brother hunts me down.”
Although she was silent on the way, she wasn’t finished torturing me.
At my bike, she paused and stared me straight in the eye. “You know I won’t be thirteen forever, right?”
Present day…
For years, I couldn’t wait for Heidi to be old enough that I didn’t have to feel like a degenerate asshole for wanting her the way that I did.
Now she is and it doesn’t matter because she’s with someone else and she hates me.
Marcel’s birthday party is this weekend, and I’m not even sure if she’ll show up. I can’t imagine her blowing her brother off on his birthday.
“Go find some pussy, would ya?” Z says, pulling me out of my thoughts. He shoves my shoulder, knocking me back a step. I take a half-hearted swing at him and miss because he weaves out of range.
I can’t admit it to my brothers—hell, I can barely admit it to myself—but I’m tired of women who spread their legs for anyone who asks. I’m bored. Aching to settle down and be with someone. No, not just anyone—one particular girl, who isn’t even speaking to me at the moment. “Believe it or not, pussy isn’t the solution to every man’s problems,” I grumble as I drop my sorry ass into one of the dining room chairs.
“No, it’s usually the cause of them,” Wrath answers.
Z flashes a grin. “Careful, Trin hears you, she’ll kick your ass.”
Wrath rolls his eyes. “I’m touched by your concern.”
“What’s wrong, trouble in wedding-planning land?” Z taunts.
Wrath’s smile would be terrifying if I didn’t know him so well. “Nope. All good. Don’t be jealous.” He turns and focuses on me. “What’s wrong, little brother?”
“You don’t want to hear me bitch about the same thing.”
He shrugs. “Problem of my brother’s is a problem of mine. Spill.”
“Ooo, can I join the girl talk?” Z asks as he pulls over a chair and props his head on his hand.
Wrath knocks his elbow out from under Z and his chin hits the table. “Ow, ya fuck.”
“Don’t be an ass,” Wrath says with zero sympathy. He turns and lifts his chin at me. “You hear from Heidi yet?”
“No,” I answer, not even giving a fuck at how pathetic I sound. “I don’t think we’ve ever gone this long without at least a phone call.”
“She was pretty pissed,” Z says.
Wrath gives him the side eye. “State the obvious much?”
“I think I really screwed up.”
Neither of them make any of the jokes I expect. “Nah,” Wrath says. He glances at Z, who wipes the smirk off his face and sits forward.
“Look, I like the kid. He did good work around here. Never pulled attitude or bitched about anything—”
“Thanks, you’re making me feel much better, Z.”
A hint of a smirk tugs at the corner of his mouth. “But, something was off. He wasn’t LOKI material. It’s not your fault.”
Wrath sort of nods along and I catch his eye. “Were you going to vote him in?”
He lifts his shoulders. “Guess we’ll never know.”
When I open my mouth, he cuts me off. “Because he bailed. Not because you voted him down.”
“Oh, you heard about that?”
“I hear everything.” The smug smile disappears and he’s serious again. “Have you talked to Teller?”
“Yeah. She’s not speaking to him, either.”
“You know who she’s—”
“Hope?”
“Yeah, or Mariella.”
Z snickers. “You’ll get better info from Hope. She likes playing matchmaker.”
“Too bad I’m so unsuccessful at it,” Hope says as she comes up behind Z and Wrath, settling a hand on each of their shoulders.
Wrath reaches up and pats her hand. “Where’s my girl?”
“In your room. On the phone.”
He stands and stretches. “I’ll be right back.” He not-so-subtly tips his head in Hope’s direction before leaving.
“So, who needs matchmaking?” Hope asks.
My gaze slides to Z, hoping he’ll take the hint and leave. By some miracle, he does.
After he clears the dining room, the corner of Hope’s mouth turns up. “I assume you want to ask me about Heidi?”
“Is she okay? Have you heard from her?” I have to stop myself before a hundred other questions come tumbling out of my mouth.
“Yes. I talked to Teller about it. I’m surprised he didn’t share.”
I’m not.
“She’s okay. Straight As in all her classes so far.”
“Oh. Good.” I’d hate if all this stuff interfered with her schoolwork.
“Besides asking about her brother, she wanted to know if you were okay. She feels bad about the things she said to you before she left.”
“I deserved them.”
“I doubt that.” She cocks her head to the side. “You love her deeply, don’t you?”
My answer’s stuck in my throat, so I just nod.
“More than brotherly love,” she persists.
My shoulders lift. Am I really going to admit this out loud? “My feelings changed from brotherly to something else at least five years ago.”
She raises an eyebrow but doesn’t seem shocked or disgusted.
Even so, I hurry to add, “I didn’t do anything about it. Actually, that’s not true. I found girls here and there to take my mind off her.”
Hope scrunches her nose but doesn’t say anything. It gives me a second to remember Heidi when she was younger. That beautiful girl used every single trick a teenage girl uses to make me notice her.
I didn’t hold it against her—much.
“You wanted to reassure yourself it wasn’t her age you were attracted to, it was her?”
“Shit. Yeah, probably.” I never once thought of it that way. “It’s still wrong.” The way I say the words sounds more questioning than certain.
“Human beings are complex, Murphy. You didn’t act on it, that’s what matters.”
I grunt because I still feel scummy about it.
“You forget all the family court cases I’ve worked on. Gosh, Murphy, you know for a while I did assigned counsel work. In half of my support cases, I represented teenage girls and almost half of those deadbeat dads were in their twenties or thirties. So there are plenty of men who wouldn’t have said no to Heidi the way you did.”
I’m not sure how I feel about her comparing me to pieces of shit who have to be forced to take care of their children and I think the look on my face says that. “I’m saying, you’re nothing like that. These guys take advantage of a situation like that then blame it on the girl when they get caught. They don’t distance themselves from the girl and do what’s best for her the way you did.”
“I guess.”
“You are a good guy, Murphy. You’re so hard on yourself. Even with Heidi throwing herself at you, you said no. Trust me, I know how persistent teenage girls can be.”
I consider her words carefully. Hope has a way of flipping everything I think I know upside down.
“Thanks, Hope.”
“Can I ask you something?”
“Shoot.”
“You don’t have to answer, but I know Heidi and Teller’s mo
m ran off.” She hesitates before asking her question. “You mentioned your mother once, but is she around?”
Pain that’s dulled over the years spreads through my chest. “No. She OD’d right after I graduated from high school and patched-in.”
Her jaw drops slightly. “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t—”
“It’s fine, Hope. Long time ago. She probably doesn’t remember, but Trinity helped me through it.”
Hope reaches out and pats my leg.
“Don’t feel bad for me, Hope. I’m fine. Even when she wasn’t high, she was a shit mother.”
“I’m sorry.”
My shoulders lift. “Teller and Heidi’s mother was just never around. When mine was, I wished she wasn’t.”
“Is that how the three of you got so close?”
“Yeah, I guess. I couldn’t have stuff, you know? My mom would sell anything in our house for drugs. Or destroy it when she had a fit of rage or whatever.”
“But Heidi was yours?”
For the first time in days, I smile. “Yeah. Teller needed help since his mom was gone all the time, and I needed a place where I didn’t have to sleep on the floor.”
“She’d just leave them?”
“Pretty much from day one.”
“She left an infant with a ten year old?”
“Yup. Child Services showed up once or twice. She’d stop running around for a bit and then be right back at it.”
“Jeez.”
“Why do you think we turned out the way we did?”
“I think you turned out pretty well.”
I lift an eyebrow inviting her to explain how she arrived at that conclusion.
“Well, I don’t see you drinking or abusing drugs. That was your role model, right? You could have gone that route. Plenty of people do. Instead, you’re part of this family and help take care of everyone in it.”
It’s not until right this second that I think about how odd it is that Rock sort of adopted us the way he did. How as a kid, I felt safer around a group of hardened bikers than with my own mother. I’ve always been thankful and considered myself lucky to have the club but never thought about how I ended up here. “That’s all Rock’s doing.”
A slight smile flickers at the corner of her mouth. “Yes, but I think he had good raw material to work with.”
“You were appropriately named, you know that?”