“I…I went to school, to talk about re-enrolling for fall semester and things went great. Then, I started remembering all the different things Axel and I had done there, and I felt awful. How can I go on with my life and finish school when he’s just gone?”
“I wish you hadn’t gone alone. Do any other schools have that program?”
“I don’t know.”
“Are they bad memories?”
“No. Not really.”
“Well, you know he’d want you to finish school—”
“No.” I cut her off because this has also been bothering me. “I don’t know that. He gave me such a hard time about finishing. Every time I brought it up, he had an excuse.”
Her face screws into a scowl, but she still tries to defend Axel, which I love her for. “Maybe he was worried about Alexa. Daycare is so expensive—”
“Yeah. That’s what he said. But, shit Hope. Please don’t tell anyone this.”
“What, honey?”
“You know how he promised me we would only be in Alaska for one year?”
“Yes.”
“Right before he…died. The morning I drove him to work, he let me know he was considering a promotion that would take us to Indonesia. Either that or he wanted to sign up for another year in Alaska.”
“Oh. Oh, wow.”
“Yeah. We had just spent two weeks together. I was trying so hard to work on things, like you and I talked about, and it was rough at first but then got better. But he was lying to me the whole time. I must have mentioned how much I wanted to come home or finish school about a dozen times, and he never said a word.”
“Maybe he wasn’t sure.”
“I don’t know. He seemed pretty sure about it to me. He knew I’d be pissed. That’s why he waited until the last minute.”
“I’m so sorry, Heidi.”
“I knew after that we weren’t going to make it. How could we, when he didn’t even consult me on major stuff like that? Or try to discuss it with me?”
“I don’t know.”
“And I feel like shit for thinking all these things, because now he’s gone and Alexa will grow up without her father, and it’s all his fucking fault! I’m so mad at him, but I can’t be mad at him because he’s dead.” There. I finally said it.
A fresh wave of tears and frustration flows out of me, and Hope hugs me tighter. “It’s okay to have these feelings, Heidi. You have a right to them. What you can’t do is bottle them up and make yourself miserable.”
“That’s not the worst of it.”
“Oh, dear,” she mutters. “What else?”
I sit up straighter and throw myself against the back of the couch. Alexa’s watching me and I hold my arms out. Hope hands Alexa over and I cuddle her close before giving Hope the next part of my day. “I ran into my mother.”
“What? Oh my gosh. Where?”
“At the hospital. My friend Lucas just got transferred down here. She said her name and I took a chance. It was her.”
“Okay.”
I’m so embarrassed, I don’t know how to put the encounter into words. “I was so pathetic, Hope. I thought I got over this years ago. She abandoned me at my grandmother’s. Why did I think she’d give a shit now? Did I think she’d see me and immediately regret her mistakes and welcome me into her loving arms or something?”
“Oh, honey.” Hope’s voice breaks as she wraps me up in another hug. “She’s your mother. There’s nothing wrong with any of those feelings, either.”
“Yes, there is. I know better. It was so stupid. She didn’t care, Hope. I tried to tell her about Gram, about Marcel, about Alexa. She wasn’t interested in any of it.” I nuzzle my nose against Alexa’s head, inhaling her sweet baby scent. “Why’d I do that?” I mumble.
“Heidi, there’s still that little girl inside of you who misses her mom. That’s okay. It doesn’t make you stupid. It makes you human. Your mother’s the idiot. From the first time I met you, I thought your mother was a fool for not being involved in your life. You were such a sweet young lady.”
“Everyone thought I was a brat.”
“You were…spirited.”
Her delicate description makes me laugh.
“I think I understand now. You didn’t have it easy at your grandmother’s?”
“No. My mother had to know how abusive her mother was. Why’d she leave me there?”
“Maybe she didn’t treat your mom like that. Or maybe your mother thought she wouldn’t hurt you, Heidi. I don’t know.”
“Maybe she didn’t care. Maybe she thought I deserved it.”
“Oh, Heidi. No child deserves to be hurt or feel unloved.” She pauses and flicks her gaze across the room before asking her next question. “Why didn’t you ever say anything during the custody dispute?”
“I was afraid. It wasn’t as bad by that point. I mean, if she started in, I was old enough to take off. And I didn’t say anything after she died because I didn’t want Marcel to feel bad.”
She seems to think that over and in hindsight, I wish I’d told someone. Anyone.
“How did you leave it with your mother?”
“I don’t know. She gave me a hug and said it was nice to see me. Like we were old classmates or something instead of mother and daughter.”
“I’m sorry.”
I glance down at Alexa, who’s busy tugging on strands of my hair. “I could never just leave her somewhere and not come back. I miss her when I’m gone for a few hours.”
“You’re a good mother, Heidi. You know sometimes, my clients, the ones who came from the worst families, end up being the best parents. It was like they had lived through all the examples of what not to do, and it taught them how to do everything right.”
Even though her words are serious, laughter bursts out of me. “That was our motto growing up. Marcel and I. ‘What would Mom do?’ Then let’s do the opposite.”
She laughs with me. “See?”
An extremely unpleasant smell interrupts us. “She must need her diaper changed. God only knows what Murphy fed her today.”
Hope follows me into the bedroom. “Oh, where is he?”
“Uh”—I slide a guilty look her way—“I might have been a little snippy. He was waiting outside for me and I don’t know. He sort of implied he was jealous about me visiting Lucas, and after everything, I couldn’t deal with it.”
“Aww, poor Murphy,” she says, not really making me feel better about my behavior. “You should have told him, honey. He would have understood.”
“I know.”
The corner of her mouth quirks up. “Now that you’ve changed her, why don’t I watch Alexa and you go over and talk to him.”
I laugh because Hope is unapologetic about avoiding diaper changes whenever possible.
“Okay. Let me clean up and change. I feel gross.”
Half an hour later, I’m on the path to the clubhouse. It’s dusk, but I can make out all the extra cars and hear the music all the way out in the woods. Z mentioned a party. Fantastic. At least I bothered to fix myself up.
I wonder how my brother feels about the party. He’s avoided all this stuff since he got home. Even the celebration thrown in his honor for his homecoming.
Twitch greets me at the front door. I’ve met him at Wrath’s gym before but didn’t realize he’s now an official prospect and allowed up at the clubhouse. “Big step up, Twitch.” I nod at his Prospect cut. The sight of it makes my stomach flutter. I’d been so excited and proud when Axel was given one.
I was an idiot.
I realize I’m still an idiot when I spot Murphy in the back corner chatting up a familiar blonde. Serena’s friend, Amanda. Great, Serena’s probably lurking somewhere, too. Why did I believe his “Take your time. There’s no one else” speeches?
Amanda runs her fingers over Murphy’s arm and I want to slap her, shove her, anything to get her away from him.
Instead, I turn, bumping into Twitch, who followed me inside.
Grabbing his ar
m, I pull him to the middle of the floor. “Do you dance?”
I could kill Wrath right now. Twitch is a prospect Wrath brought in. So I blame him for my current predicament. Somehow, Twitch knows Serena’s friend Amanda and brought her up to the clubhouse tonight.
Amanda zeroed in on me as soon as she got here and won’t go away. “Serena asks about you all the time,” Amanda says.
“That’s nice. She doin’ okay?”
“Didn’t you hear what I said? She moved down to Maryland. Got into school down there.”
“Oh, good for her.”
She runs her finger down my arm and tilts her head in a coy way, which in reality is ugly. “She always said you were a lot of fun.”
I hate myself for not going after Heidi earlier. I don’t have any excuse except that I was hurt and pissed by her attitude.
But not talking to her kills me.
So does seeing her dancing with Twitch.
Hellfuckingno.
I stare for a good minute, trying to figure out if I’m seeing what I think I’m seeing. I leave Amanda with no explanation. Nope, I’m too busy stomping across the room, shoving people out of my way to get to Heidi.
My hand wraps around her upper arm, and she stares at me in shock. “What do you think you’re doing?” I growl at her.
Before she has a chance to open her mouth, I turn my pissed-off face to Twitch. “She’s mine and off-limits. Touch her again, fuck, you even look at her again, I’ll bury you.”
He doesn’t answer, but he doesn’t look at Heidi before he takes off, either.
I’m expecting her to be spitting fire, but when I face her, she’s laughing.
Her mouth twists into a teasing grin that makes me want to kiss her and spank her at the same time. “You’re so predictable.”
“So are you, brat.”
“Your girlfriend looks upset,” she says, pointing to Amanda.
“She’s not my girlfriend.” I lean in close. “The only girl I want is seriously testing my patience lately, and I don’t understand why.”
We stare at each other for a second, then I drop my shoulder and flip her over it. “You know what? I’m tired of your bullshit,” I say, giving her ass a smack. She squeals and kicks, but I’ve got a good grip on her legs. She’s not going anywhere.
My eyes dart around the crowded clubhouse. Upstairs? My room? Or outside? I catch Wrath watching us and he flashes me a thumbs up. He points to the stairs and shakes his head. Yeah, Teller’s up there.
Outside it is.
Heidi hasn’t bothered with crap like “put me down.” She knows that ain’t happening. Instead, my little brat slides her hands over my ass. Tries to get them under my pants.
“Are you trying to distract me into dropping you?” I ask when we’re finally outside.
“You better not drop me.”
I’m not crazy about navigating the woods out to Rock’s house with her over my shoulder like this. Too many chances for her to get hurt. “If I set you down, will you behave?”
“Depends.”
Christ, she’s a pain.
“On what?”
“What do you consider behaving?”
“Fine. You get a branch to the face, don’t blame me.” I head straight for the woods.
“Okay. Okay. Set me down.”
I lean over until her feet hit the ground but keep an arm wrapped around her.
“What are we doing?” she asks.
“I’m taking you home.”
“I was having fun.”
Her mouth might be protesting, but her hand slips into mine and she follows me into the woods.
“No, you weren’t. You were trying to piss me off. You succeeded and now you’re gonna pay for it.”
“Oh, embarrassing me wasn’t enough?”
“Nope.”
She’s quiet after that.
“We need to talk. I’m tired of hanging around, waiting for you to figure shit out.” My words might be unfair, but she pushed me too far tonight.
“What happened to ‘take your time’ and ‘I’m here for you’?”
“I’m still here for you. But you’ve had enough time. Now it’s time we try something else.” I hate being mean to Heidi. She’s driving me nuts, though.
Hope’s up reading when we walk into the house. She smiles when she sees us together.
“Rock home?” I ask.
“Not yet.”
“Is Alexa okay?” Heidi asks, shaking loose from my grasp.
“She’s fine, honey.” Hope picks up the baby monitor and waves at us. “Sound asleep.”
Heidi glances at me. “Let me check on her?”
“Yeah. Go ahead.” I’m in awe of the way she can go from pain in my ass to responsible mother in the blink of an eye.
Once she’s gone, Hope gives me a knowing grin. I hook my thumbs in my pockets and make my way over to her.
“What’s up?” she asks with a smug smile.
“Nothing. Why?”
“Oh, I don’t know. Trinity sent me this.” Giggling like a nut, she whips her cell phone out and shoves it in my face. The screen’s taken up by a picture of me carrying Heidi out of the clubhouse.
My shoulders lift. I’m not embarrassed at all. “Man’s gotta do what a man’s gotta do.”
Her mouth tips up into a grin. “Rock will be so proud.” It looks like she’s struggling not to laugh.
“You’re not mad?”
The laughter disappears. “No.” She glances down the hallway. “But she had a rough day, so be kind to her.”
“I’m always—well, I try to be. She makes me a little nuts. What happened?”
“I think it’s better if she tells you.”
Why are women so damn frustrating?
“In fact,” She stands. “I’m going to run over to the clubhouse to talk to Trinity.”
Bullshit. This is her subtle way of giving Heidi and me some alone time. I feel like an ass for chasing her out of her own house. Rock moved her out here to get her away from all the shit going down in the clubhouse, now here I am chasing her back.
“You don’t have to do that. There’s a party going on,” I warn her.
“Nothing I haven’t seen before,” she says with an eye-roll. “I’ll text Rock and tell him to meet me there.”
Great. Rock’s gonna love that. This must be what it feels like to date someone who lives at home with their parents. An experience I never had.
Heidi and I somehow skipped over that fun, innocent, dating stage of things and went right into family mode. Although, to be honest, we’ve been doing the family thing our whole lives. It’s just different now.
Hope leans over and kisses the top of my head. “Be good.”
“I’ll do my best.”
She laughs and musses my hair before leaving.
Heidi still hasn’t returned. That’s cute that she thinks hiding out will save her from the discussion we’re about to have.
Except, when I find her, she’s passed out on the bed. Feet on the floor. Clothes still on, one sneaker off. Shaking my head, I peek at Alexa—also sound asleep.
Heidi doesn’t stir when I pull her other sneaker off. I work her jeans down her legs but leave everything else on. That’s not what this is about. Shit, I’m so busy being driven crazy by her when she’s awake, I hadn’t noticed the dark circles under her eyes. What the hell happened to her today, and why wouldn’t she talk to me about it?
Because you acted like a crazed caveman when she got home.
I snap the light off and Alexa’s nightlight throws off enough of a glow for me to see where I’m going.
Gathering her in my arms, I shift her to the other side of the bed and crawl in next to her. It’s only a double bed, so it’s a good excuse to keep her snuggled up against me.
I plan to be here when she wakes up, because one way or another, we’re having our talk.
I’ve got a screeching headache when I wake up.
No wait.
The screeching is Alexa.
I turn but collide with a hard, warm, wall of…muscle. “Murphy, move.”
I’m not even shocked to find him in my bed. For some reason, it feels right.
He grumbles and then comes to, jumping out of bed. Before I make sense of anything, Alexa stops crying. Blake’s holding her, quietly rocking her from side to side. I hold my arms out. “She needs to be changed.”
“I can do it.”
A head tilt expresses my disbelief better than words will at this hour.
“I figured it out yesterday, remember?”
Yesterday. Right. When he watched my daughter and then when I got home, I thanked him by being a brat.
“Ugh, did I dance with Twitch last night?”
“Yes,” he says in a low, angry voice.
“I came over to talk to you.”
When he’s finished, he turns to face me. “Should I feed her?”
“There’s bottles in the fridge, I’ll—”
He holds a hand out, stopping me. “Stay put.”
When he returns, Alexa’s happily sucking on her bottle. “Did you make sure—”
“Yes,” he answers. “Now, what did you want to talk about last night?”
“I don’t remember.”
The sharp stare he fixes on me makes me fidget. “You were busy talking to Amanda.”
“Yeah, Twitch brought her up.”
“Oh.”
“You know, the world is full of women. Sometimes I have to talk to them. Doesn’t mean anything else is happening.”
“That’s not how it looked. Besides, I know you have history with her.”
“History?” He raises an eyebrow. “No, actually I don’t. Maybe next time, you march right up to me and let me introduce you as my girlfriend”—my head snaps up at that word, but he continues right along—“instead of trying to make me jealous. We’re getting kind of old for that bullshit, don’t you think?”
“Maybe you are,” I grumble. “Seems like acceptable nineteen-year-old behavior to me.”
He throws his head back and laughs. Alexa smiles around her bottle and chortles along with him. “You’ve been older than your age as long as I’ve known you,” he says. Still sounding too chipper for this hour and at my expense.
“Well, you keep pushing me away.”