"Your time's up noo, Sandy."
An old colored minister announced that he had invented an automaticcollection basket, which would be passed around by the deacons of hischurch. "It is so arranged, my brethren," said he, "dat if you drop ina quatah or half dollah it falls noiselessly on a red plush cushion;if you drop a nickel it will ring a bell dat can be distinctly heardby de entiah congregation; but if you let fall a suspender button, mybrethren, it will fiah off a pistol."
"Father," said the minister's son, "my teacher says that 'collect' and'congregate' mean the same thing. Do they?"
"Perhaps they do, my son," said the venerable clergyman; "but youmay tell your teacher that there is a vast difference between acongregation and a collection."
"My sermon on thrift made a tremendous impression on thecongregation."
"How do you know?"
"I could tell when I counted the collection."
"Rastus, how is it you have given up going to church?" asked PastorBrown.
"Well, sah," replied Rastus. "it's dis way. I likes to take an activepart, an' I used to pass de collection-basket, but dey's give de jobto Brothah Green, who jest returned from ovah thai-ah."
"In recognition of his heroic service, I suppose?"
"No, sah. I reckon he got dat job in reco'nition o' his having lostone o' his hands."
BESS--"Somebody passed a counterfeit dime on Bob a year ago, and hehasn't been able to get rid of it since."
MAIDEN AUNT (horrified)--"What! Does that young man never go tochurch, then?"
A Scotch minister in need of funds thus conveyed his intentions to hiscongregation:
"Weel, friends, the kirk is urgently in need of siller, and as we havefailed to get money honestly we will have to see what a bazaar can dofor us."
It is said that the farthing was coined in response to a demand fromScotchmen for a satisfactory coin for the collection box. It's valueis a fourth of a cent.
A minister was on his vacation in the country. A neighboring churchheard of it and asked him to preach while their own pastor was away.He consented and, on the Sunday when he was to supply, he and his boywalked across the fields to the church. In the vestibule there was abox for voluntary contributions and the minister after feeling aroundin his pocket found fifty cents which he dropped in. After the sermon,the elders came up to express their appreciation for his fine sermonand then remembered they hadn't yet paid him. They generously decidedto give him all the collection for that Sunday and on opening thecontribution box they found exactly fifty cents. The minister acceptedit and went on his way home. After walking some distance the boynoticed his father was very silent evidently pondering over something,so he said, "Father, how much did you get?"
The father replied "Fifty cents, son."
"Why father, that's just what you put in, wasn't it?" asked the boy.
"Yes, son."
Both walked along in silence for some distance further, then the boyspoke up and said: "Father, if you had put more in, you'd have gotmore out, wouldn't you?"
Tight, who had money to burn but was apparently afraid of fire,happened in a church one day when a collection was being taken forforeign missions. Eventually the collector reached Tight, but Tightdidn't make any motions like producing beautiful coin.
"Pardon me," said the collector, placing the box before Tight, "we aretaking a collection for foreign missions. Wouldn't you like to add alittle to the amount?"
"No, sir!" was the decisive rejoinder of Tight. "I never give toforeign missions."
"Then take a little out of the box," softly responded the collector."The money is for the benefit of the heathen."
A church in Kansas was raising funds for a new church and the ministerwas calling on members for subscriptions. One of the pillars of thechurch rose and said: "I subscribe five dollars." Just at that instanta piece of plaster fell on his head. Half stunned he mumbled "f-f-fivehundred dollars" and the minister prayed "Oh Lord, hit him again."
CONUNDRUMS
A party of young people were amusing themselves by guessing theanswers to conundrums. One of them asked, "Why is the pancake like thesun?"
"Because it rises in der yeast and sets behind der vest," was theanswer given by a brilliant young Swede.
They were discussing that joke about getting down off an elephant.
"How do you get down?" asked the jokesmith for the fourth time.
"You climb down."
"Wrong!"
"You grease his sides and slide down."
"Wrong!!"
"You take a ladder and get down."
"Wrong!!!"
"Well, you take the trunk line down."
"No, not quite. You don't get down off an elephant; you get it off agoose."
COOKERY
"So your husband kept house and cooked his own meals while you wereaway. Did he enjoy it?"
"He says he did; but I notice that the parrot has learned to swearduring my absence."
"My husband has had indigestion for the past month."
"Really! I'm so sorry! I had no idea you were without a cook."
OFFICER--"Is that soup ready, Jones?"
OFFICER'S SERVANT--"No, sir, the stove went out, sir."
OFFICER--"Went out! Then why don't you light it again?"
OFFICER'S SERVANT--"'Cos it went out by the roof, sir."
"How do you like my pound cake, dearie?" asked Mrs. Newlywed.
"Why, er-er-er," stammered Mr. Newlywed, "I don't think you pounded itenough, did you?"
She had not been married long. She made a pie for dinner. During themeal she hesitatingly remarked to her husband:
"I think I left out something and the pie isn't very good."
After taking a bite he sadly replied:
"You are wrong, my dear! Nothing you left out could make a pie tastelike this. It's something you put in."
COOKS
_See_ Servants
COOPERATION
It is not the guns or armament Or the money they can pay; It's the close cooperation That makes them win the day; It's not the individual Or the army as a whole But the everlasting team work Of every blooming soul.
--_Kipling_.
CORPULENCE
A very fat old lady who got stuck in the door of a car could getneither out nor in.
"Sideways, ma'am. Try sideways," the conductor shouted helpfully.
"Oh, drat the feller," panted the old lady. "I ain't got no sideways."
"Excuse me, madam, would you mind walking the other way and notpassing the horse?" said an English cabman, with exaggeratedpoliteness, to the fat woman who had just paid a minimum fare, with nofee.
"Why?" she inquired.
"Because if 'e sees wot 'e's been carrying for so little money 'e'll'ave a fit," was the freezing answer.
CORRESPONDENCE SCHOOLS
_The Stamp of Learning_
"Pa, what's a postgraduate?"
"A fellow who graduates from one of those correspondence schools, Isuppose."
COSMOPOLITANISM
JOE--"'Ere, Curly! You know everything-what's a cosmopolitan?"
CURLY--"Well, it's like this-suppose you was a Russian Jew livin'in England married to a black woman an' you'd just finished a bit ofIrish stew an' was smokin' an Egyptian cigaret, while a Germanband outside was playin' the Blue Bells o' Scotland--you'd be acosmopolitan."
COST OF LIVING
"He has got the first dollar that he ever earned!"
"What a bally ass! Think how much more he could have bought with ithad he spent it then!"
"She says she prefers to do her shopping by telephone."
"Why so?"
"Says she can't bear to see how little she is getting for the money."
"How's business?"
"Not too good--thanks to some dishonest rascals who are selling goodsat reasonable prices."
"Did you try the simple plan of counting sheep for your insomnia?"
"Yes, doctor, but I made a mess of it. I counted
ten thousand sheep,put 'em on the train, and shipped 'em to market. And when I'd gotthrough counting the money I got for them at present prices it wastime to get up."
"Father, I need a new riding habit."
"Can't afford it," he growled.
"But, father, what am I to do without a riding habit?"
"Get the walking habit."
In these days of the high cost of living the following story has adecided point:
The teacher of a primary class was trying to show the children thedifference between the natural and man-made wonders, and was findingit hard.
"What," she asked, "do you think is the most wonderful thing man evermade?"
A little girl, whose parents were obviously harassed by the questionof ways and means, replied as solemnly as the proverbial judge:
"A living for a family."
"Why don't you move into more comfortable quarters, old man?"
"I can't even pay the rent on this miserable hole."
"Well, since you don't pay rent, why not get something better?"
MRS. HOMESPUN--"What'll we contribute to the minister'sdonation-party?"
FARMER HOMESPUN--"Wal, I dunno, Hannar! Taters is 'way up, pork is'way up, fowl is 'way up--we'll save money by giving him money."
A farmer, the other day, took a plowshare to the blacksmith's to besharpened, and while the blacksmith worked the farmer chuckled andbragged about a sale of hogs he had just made.
"Them hogs was only eight months old," he said, "and none too fat,nuther; but I seen that the buyer was at his wits' end, and by skilfuljugglin' I boosted up the price on him just 300 per cent. Yes, by gum,I got three times more for them hogs than I uster get before the war."
The plowshare being done, the farmer handed the smith 50 cents.
"Hold on," said the smith, "I charge $1.50 for that job now."
"You scandalous rascal!" yelled the farmer. "What do you mean bytreblin' your price on me? What have you done it for?"
"I've done it," said the blacksmith, "so's I'll be able to eat some ofthat high-priced pork of yours this winter."
OLD DAME--"You've had two penn'orth of sweets, my little man, butyou've only given me a penny."
THE LITTLE MAN--"Yes, but farver says one penny's got to do the workof two in war-time."--_Punch_.
"Of course you have your little theory about the cause of the highcost of living?"
"I have," replied Mr. Growcher: "too many people are trying to makepolitical economy take the place of domestic economy."
HE--"Yes, I certainly like good food, and always look forward to thenext meal."
SHE--"Why don't you talk of higher things once in a while?"
HE--"But, my dear, what is higher than food?"--_Life_.
A certain judge, after passing sentence, always gave advice toprisoners. Having before him a man found guilty of stealing, hestarted thus:
"It you want to succeed in this world you must keep straight. Now, doyou understand?"
"Well, not quite," said the prisoner; "but if your lordship will tellme how a man is to keep straight when he is trying to make boths endsmeet, I might."
And another trouble with the country is that too many are trying tosatisfy a bricklayer's appetite on a school-teacher's salary.
SMALL BOY (much interested in shopman's reason for high priceof eggs)--"But, mummy, how do the hens know we're at war withGermany?"--_Punch_.
"Don't you object to all this talk about the high cost of everything?"
"Not at all," replied the profiteer. "It prepares the mind of acustomer for what he may expect and saves argument."
"How's this, waiter? You've charged me two dollars and a half forplanked steak!"
"Sorry sir, but lumber's gone up again."
Our Government does not profess to live within its income, but onlywithin ours.
"Farm products cost more than they used to."
"Yes," replied Mr. Corntossel. "When a farmer is supposed to know thebotanical name of what he's raisin' an' the zoological name of theinsect that eats it, and the chemical name of what will kill it,somebody's got to pay."
_Its Friendly Way_
"How are we to meet the high cost of living?"
"You don't have to meet it," answered the irritating person. "Itovertakes you."
"What are the luxuries of life?"
"Things that were necessities two years ago."
A couple of Philadelphia youths, who had not met in a long while, metand fell to discussing their affairs in general.
"I understand," said one, "that you broke your engagement with ClariceCollines."
"No, I didn't break it."
"Oh, she broke it?"
"No, she didn't break it."
"But it is broken?"
"Yes. She told me what her raiment cost, and I told her what my incomewas. Then our engagement sagged in the middle and gently dissolved."
COUNTRY LIFE
UNCLE EZRA--"So ye just got back from New York! What's the differencebetween the city and the country?"
UNCLE EBEN--"Wal, in the country you go to bed feeling all in and getup feeling fine, and in the city you go to bed feeling fine and get upfeeling all in."--_Life_.
Little Mary was visiting her grandmother in the country. Walking inthe garden, she chanced to see a peacock, a bird she had never seenbefore. After gazing in silent admiration, she ran quickly into thehouse and cried out: "Oh, granny, come and see! One of your chickensis in bloom."
A man living in the heart of London has recently bought a cow, whichhe keeps in his back-yard. Thirty milkmen have already been noticedlooking over the wall to see what a cow looks like.
Little Betty had been greatly interested in watching the men in hergrandfather's orchard putting bands round the fruit trees and askedmany questions.
Some weeks later, when in the city with her mother, she noticed agentleman with a mourning band round his left sleeve.
"Mamma," she asked, "what's to keep them from crawling up his otherarm?"
A minister, spending a holiday in the North of Ireland, was outwalking, and, feeling very thirsty, called at a farmhouse for a drinkof milk. The farmer's wife gave him a large bowl of milk, and whilehe was quenching his thirst a number of pigs got round about him. Theminister noticed that the pigs were very strange in their manner, sohe said:
"My good lady, why are the pigs so excited?"
The farmer's wife replied, "Sure, it's no wonder they are excited,sir; it's their own little bowl you are drinking out of!"
An enterprising salesman was trying to persuade a farmer to buy abicycle. The farmer was in town for the day, and had determined to seeeverything.
"I'd rather spend my money on a cow," said he proudly.
"But think," said the salesman, "what a fool you'd look riding abouton a cow."
"Not half such a fool as I'd look trying to milk a bicycle," answeredthe farmer.
"Hiram," said the farmer's wife, "what makes you say 'By gosh!' somuch and go round with a straw in your mouth?"
"I'm getting ready for them summer boarders that's comin' next week.If some of us don't talk an' act that way, they'll think we ain'tcountry folks at all."
COURAGE
The swain and his swainess had just encountered a bulldog that lookedas if he might shake a mean lower jaw.
"Why, Percy," she exclaimed as he started a strategic retreat. "Youalways swore you would face death for me."
"I would," he flung back over his shoulder, "but that darn dog ain'tdead."
"Who led the army in that recent expedition?"
"I did," replied General Tamale.
"I thought the attack was led by General Concarne."
"It was I who prevented great loss of life. He led them going forward,but I led them coming back."
A man of courage is also full of faith.--_Cicero_.
Courage consists not in blindly overlooking danger, but in seeing itand conquering it.--_Richter_.
Few persons have courage enough to appear as good as
they reallyare.--_Hare_.
Conscience in the soul is the root of all true courage. If a man wouldbe brave, let him learn to obey his conscience.--_Clarke_.
COURTESY
"How do you like your new music-master?"
"He is a very nice, polite young man. When I made a mistake yesterdayhe said: 'Pray, mademoiselle, why do you take so much pains to improveupon Beethoven?'"
Life is not so short but that there is always time enough forcourtesy.--_Emerson_.
How sweet and gracious, even in common speech, Is that fine sense which men call Courtesy! Wholesome as air and genial as the light, Welcome in every clime as breaths of flowers-- It transmutes aliens into trusting friends, And gives its owner passport round the globe.
--_J.T. Fields_.
COURTS
A couple of old codgers got into a quarrel and landed before the localmagistrate. The loser, turning to his opponent in a combative frame ofmind, cried: "I'll law you to the Circuit Court."
"I'm willin'," said the other.
"An' I'll law you to the Supreme Court."
"I'll be thar."
"An' I'll law to 'ell!"
"My attorney'll be there," was the calm reply.