CHAPTER 5
WINNERS ARE GRINNERS
'Helen!' Jack called out, in a somewhat agitated tone.
'Yes. What is it?' his wife replied, 'What do you want now?' She looked up as he stuck his head in the bathroom to find her with her damp hair caught up in a towel wound around her head like a turban, applying skin cleanser and false eyelashes. Twisting, this way and that, to check them carefully in the bathroom mirror.
'My paper?' he asked.
'Your paper? What are you on about? Can't you see I'm busy.'
'Busy? Is that what you call it - busy? Fooling around with all that muck?'
'Well… you do want your wife to look nice, don't you, when we go to lunch today at the Razzle?' (The RSL, an Australian ‘old soldiers’ club, open to all).
'Lunch? At the Razzle, today?'
'Of course today, silly, it's Monday, isn't it?'
'Yes, so?'
'Well… there you are then. You said last week we were going out to lunch on Monday. You said our RSL had half-price members meals on Mondays - remember? ''You can't beat that,'' you said, ''when you're on a pension''.'
'Ohhh, yes… so I did. But never mind that, what about my paper? What have you done with it? Come on, darl - please. I need it!'
'Nothing! I've done nothing with your paper! It was there on the table after breakfast,' she said, putting her eyeliner down hurriedly in some annoyance at the interruption. 'No, now I remember… Yes! You had it when you were mucking about with that dirty old shoe polish, on my nice table top too, you filthy beast!'
'You should be proud that your husband still cleans his shoes 'til they shine brilliantly - with a bit of military spit and polish! Most of 'em around here wouldn't even know what shoe polish is.'
'No… and I should hope not! A disgusting habit, spitting on shoes and making that horrible black mess. You're not in the Air Force now, I keep telling you that! I'm throwing them old black shoes of yours in the bin, mark my words! Then you can go out and buy some decent new shoes, you old tight arse! Anyway, talking of bins, I remember now - when you'd finished all that dreadful, filthy, spit and polish business, you threw the newspaper in the kitchen bin, didn't you?'
'Oh, oh...yeah. I did, didn't I? Ta,' he said, bending over and kissing her on the neck. 'What would I do without you - my love, my pet… my angel?'
'Do? I don't know… but it wouldn't be much, would it? I mean you do very little around here.'
Jack hurried back to the kitchen and rummaged in the bin for his Brisbane Courier Mail. He was straightening it out on the kitchen table when Helen came in. 'Oh, Jack! Just look at all that filthy black mess on the paper! Get if off my table, please! What's all the excitement about, anyway?' she asked. 'If it's the Lotto page you're after, it's a waste of time and a waste of money too, if you ask me. Week after week after week, we go through this routine. We've never won anything worth having yet! Well have we?'
'Shut up, woman!' Jack said. 'Let a man concentrate on the more important things in life, will you?'
'Here,' she said, 'don't you shout at me. You know what the problem is, don't you? It's your family; they're all born on the wrong days! It's not my family that lets you down, I hope you've noticed that? It's your blooming lot! They’re born awkward, the whole blinking lot of ‘em!’
'Hey! Can't you shut up for a just minute? Give a man a bit o' peace, will ya. Let me concentrate…'
'Who do you think you're talking to, Jack, the bloody dog?'
'Sorry. Sorry, love. Look, my little petal. It’s, it's just that I think we may be on a winner here. Now where's our flippin’ coupon?'
'Oh, Jack! You're not serious? No, you're just having me on, aren't you? Aren't you? You wouldn't be so damn cruel though - would you?' she said, smacking him on the head. ‘Well?’
'Will you please… just for once, do as I ask and find our flipping coupon!'
'Alright. Alright,' Helen said as she turned to start rummaging through the various drawers. 'Oh, isn't it exciting? Now are you sure, Jack?’
'Of course I'm not sure, woman! That's why I need the flaming coupon! I mean, I can remember my family birthday numbers, but I'm never quite sure if I've got them right when it comes to your lot. Now hurry up, darl - will you?'
Helen, in her extreme haste, pulled one of the drawers out too far and everything in it fell to the floor. Jack covered his face in amused disbelief. 'I don't believe this,' he said, in a mocking tone. 'Can't you do anything right?'
'Oh, dear…!' she cried. 'Look what I've done!' Kneeling on the floor she hurriedly sorted through the heap of scattered papers and other miscellaneous items. Then, 'Oh... I've been looking for this lipstick.'
'Never mind that. Stuff the lipstick! The coupon...'
'Is this it?' she cried, waving a Lotto coupon in the air.
'Give it here,' he said, snatching it from her grasp. 'Now let's have a look. Yes, Saturday's draw; number 3552. Yes. Yes, our lucky numbers are: 4, 6, 9, 10, 22, and 30. Now, let me see, the winning numbers are: 22, 10, 9, 30…'
'Oh, Jack!' interrupted Helen, ‘have we won? Or are you just teasing?'
'Just be quiet, woman!' he chided her. 'Stop interrupting. Just give me a chance here. Where was I? I'll have to start again, now. Our lucky numbers are: 4, 6, 9, 10…’
'You said that.'
'I know. I’ll say it again. Now, shut up - will you?' He looked at her with some annoyance, raising his finger in reproof. 'Now, the winning numbers are: 22, 10, 9, 30' he repeated. ‘And… 4 and 6! The supplementary numbers are...'
'Stuff the supplementaries, Jack! Well?'
‘That's... that's it!'
'That's it? You mean, you mean... we've won… or we've not won?'
'We've won! Yes. Well, it looks like it - we've got the full six numbers.'
'Oh, Jack,' she said excitedly, putting her arms around him and giving him a kiss. 'Will it be much, do you think, the winnings?'
'I really don't know darl. It's kind of hard to tell. You see, it depends so much, on how many other people have got those very same numbers. I have to say, love, that it's particularly difficult when the winning numbers are all low numbers. You see, there's an awful lot of people out there that do family birthday numbers, all low numbers, just like we do.'
'Oh!' she said, disappointedly. 'You think that's really going to make a lot of difference, bring the pay-out down - do you?'
'Oh, yes, there's almost bound to be more than the average number of winners to share the prize pool. It's always the same when the winning numbers are all low ones. You really need at least a few of the bigger numbers to get the bigger payout. I'm talking about a million or more. It's a fact of life. Well, I reckon so.’
‘But, I guess we can hope - can't we, darl?’
'I suppose so. But what do you reckon then? If not millions, what? Come, on Jack, how much?'
'We'll have to wait and see, won’t we? Sorry, love - but that's the way it is. Hey now, don't you go spending the money before we get it - right? Don't you even think about it!'
'What? I can surely get my hair done. You wouldn't want to deny me that, for when the newspaper man comes – would you?'
'Well, no, I don't want to deny you anything. But nothing else – not for now!'
'What do you mean, 'Nothing else'? If anyone, you know, from Lotto should come here… you wouldn't want me to welcome them dressed in rags, would you?'
'Rags? No, no... I suppose not.'
'Well then, I've got to get a new frock, haven't I? And some decent shoes. You wouldn't want me to let you down…' She looked at herself in the mirror, puffing her chest out: 'I think I need a new bra too.'
Jack gave a big sigh of despair and walked out. Helen threw her lipstick down as she heard the front door bang.
'Flipping men!' she said angrily, 'The more money they have the bloody tighter they get!'
The War of the Winnings had jus
t begun....
It was a reasonably good payout for a low-numbers first prize. Not a million, or anything like that, but well into six figures - which was all that Jack and Helen were prepared to let on. It was about seven or eight weeks before they actually got their hands on the money and by that time they had both spent heavily – all on tick!
There were two new cars parked out in the driveway, a Toyota Tarago for her. Why a Tarago? 'I dunno… I guess, I've always wanted one, in case we had a family,' was her excuse. For Jack, there was a Nissan four-wheel-drive crew-cab ute, 'They're very good for beach fishing,' he told a friend. Not that he knew the first thing about beach fishing or any other sort of fishing! Just in case he ever did learn to fish, he'd bought himself a rather large boat and trailer, plus a 'tinny' or aluminium, runabout, in case he moored the boat off shore some time.
She had a new sewing machine and an overlocker, should she ever learn to sew. He had his new laptop computer with full accessories, should he ever learn to type. With the latest modem, of course, should he ever master the intricacies of the internet. There was also his new garden shed and greenhouse out the back, should he ever learn anything at all about gardening. She had her enclosed patio and gazebo out the front, should she ever go in for entertaining. Not to mention the new furniture, TV, stereo, crockery, cutlery.
The more they disputed each other’s purchases, the more they tried to outdo one another; at a substantial cost. Not just in money, but also in a serious erosion of their relationship, to the point where Jack now slept in one bedroom and Helen in another!
With the cash finally in hand and multiple accounts falling due for payment, the opportunity for further long and heated arguments over spending arose. Nevertheless, all the outstanding accounts were finally paid, to the relief of local traders. There was not a great deal of money left by then, a few thousand, perhaps. This was casually kept bundled in envelopes, secured with rubber bands and kept in the bottom of the freezer for security. It was only when Helen dug deep in the freezer in search of her favourite frozen dinner, (she'd given up cooking), that she discovered the money was missing!
'Jack! Jack, we've been robbed,' she called out to him in anguish. 'The money, it's gone! It’s gone… all of it!
Oh, Jack - what are we going to do?'
Jack put down his Brisbane Courier-Mail and as casually as he could, said 'I know. I know the money's gone, love, but don't worry - we've not been robbed.'
'Oh, Jack. What do you mean? Have you moved it, then? Thank Goodness for that. I thought we'd lost it when we've still got it! Oh, what a relief!'
'I didn't say that,' Jack replied. 'I didn't say we'd still got it.'
'You what? What are you playing at? Answer me, Jack,' she said, sternly. 'Come on. What tricks have you been up to? Out with it, now!'
'Tricks? What are you talking about, woman? There’s been no tricks. Nothing tricky at all! I've simply given the money away. That's what I've done, given it away. All of it.'
'You… you’ve given the money away? Never! Pull the other one!' she said in disbelief. 'Explain yourself, Jack. Hey, it had better be good.’
'Yes, well, I was going to tell you; soon. Anyway, the fact is, my love; I did just that - I gave it away!'
'But why… why, Jack? You in debt? Been playing the ponies, have you? Or going 'round the twist', or what?'
'Look. Sit down and listen. Come on. Sit!'
Helen sat down as she was bid - as if in a dream. 'I can't believe this. It'd better be a good explanation or, by heck, I'll have you Jack. I will.'
'Be quiet a minute, please and I'll explain. You see, we've had more than our fair share of rows in recent times. More strife, more trouble over that money in the last thirty odd weeks than we've had in the last thirty years! Come on, love - admit it! Nobody who knew what's been going on here, could possibly deny it.'
'That wasn't ‘the money’. You can’t just blame the money for any old thing. That was you! You're the one that causes all the trouble and strife in this house. You’re the one what tries to deny me a few simple pleasures in my old age, just when I need a bit of comfort…and a bit of understanding.’
'Stop it, Helen. It wasn't me that caused all the trouble between us. It was the money. We were happy before we won the money. We had a good marriage before the money. We had quite enough material comforts for our station in life, before the money. We had a good loving relationship too, before the money. We were happy, Helen. We were, admit it! We were happy, until we won the money. The money spoilt it all. Yes, it did. The money came between us, like a damn great wedge, forcing us apart; causing us to compete in a ridiculous scramble to outspend each another. That's true, that is!'
'No!'
'Yes! Yes it is and we've got to face up to it. It was the money, nothing else that caused us to row over silly things - inconsequential things.'
'My…that's a big word, that is: Inconsequential? Is buying a boat when you know nothing about sailing 'inconsequential'? Or is buying a garden shed when you know nothing about gardening, 'inconsequential'?'
'Oh, er… yes? What about buying a sewing machine when you hate sewing? Eh? Eh? Or buying leather jackets and fake fur coats, when you live in Queensland! Just when or where do you think you are going to wear them in this flaming hot climate?'
'When? When you wear any of those silly suits you bought, each of the best heavy woollen cloth - with waistcoats. Waistcoats, for God’s sake! You don't know how to handle money properly, Jack. Let's face it, you never have and you never will!'
'Neither do you! You've let thousands slip through your silly fingers in the last few weeks. Disgraceful it is, with so many people out there starving.'
'Well, you can't claim you're starving, you eat out every night of the week!'
'I only go out for the odd beer and a pie, because I can't stand to eat in this house, with you whinging all the while. You've even forgotten how to cook!'
'That's a laugh. You invented whinging, you did - you've been whinging every day for over thirty years. I suppose I can't expect you to stop now, can I? That's why I'm glad you eat out!' Helen paused, before demanding: 'What have you done with all my money?'
'You what? What have I done with your money?'
'Yes. I reckon you've spent more than me. Therefore what's left must be mine!'
'I don't believe this.'
'You'd better, mate, or I'll, I'll see you in Court!'
'I gave it all away, to the Sally Army…'
'You did what? Why? Why would you do a stupid thing like that?'
'I didn't think it was so stupid, with our marriage tottering on the brink, ready to fall apart.'
'Brink? Brink of what? Bankruptcy? Or, or are you talking divorce? Is that what this is all about? Have you been and got yourself involved with some flighty young, full fronted, floosy?'
'No. No, nothing like that. But I can't go on. We can't go on. Not like this, don't you see?’ Jack looked at her appealingly. 'I want to save our marriage, that's why I gave the money away. Because… because I think our marriage is worth more than any amount of money and because I love you. I don’t think I could live without you…'
'You what? You do…?' Helen answered, with a loving look coming over her face. 'You gave all that lovely money away because you love me?’ She paused, then warmly, she said: ‘Well… give 'em the money then! Every darn cent of it!’
'You mean that? You don't mind, giving the money away?'
‘No. There’s more to life than money!’
‘Are you sure? You aren’t having me on, are you?’
‘Do you want to argue with me, even when I agree with you?’ she asked unbelievingly.
‘No. No, ‘course not.’
‘Good.’
‘Then there’s nothing left for us to argue about, right?’
‘No. Nothing at all.’
'Good. Why do I nee
d money anyway? I've got everything a woman could ever wish for and more besides, right? Anyway, as long as I've got you I don't care about money,' she said, giving him a big kiss.
'That's great. That’s wonderful, but would you mind signing this statement? The Salvation Army insisted that we both sign a joint statement of donation. It's to protect them against any disputes, you know how some people do tend to quarrel over money. Give it to them and then change their minds, that kind of thing.'
'Really? Oh, Jack, I've got a funny feeling coming all over me,' Helen said as she signed the statement.
'You have?'
'Yes. A sort of a 'hot flush'. Just the excitement of it all, I expect. It's just like when we signed the marriage register, together - don't you think?'
'Yes, I was just thinking the same', Jack said as he signed too.
'Well, what do we do now? Have you actually given them the money?'
'No. No, they wouldn't accept such a large amount of money from a couple without the joint statement, as I said. So, we've got the chance to go to bed and sleep on it, before handing over the money tomorrow.'
'Go to bed? Ohhh… Jack! What are you thinking, this time of day… you old devil, you?’ she asked, coyly.
'Well… ' Jack said looking at his watch. 'Why not? It might be a wee bit early in the day, but we could draw the curtains, couldn't we?'
'Oh, Jack! Your bedroom or mine?' she giggled.
'Mine! I know it's a single, but that’s all we need... isn’t it?'
‘Why not mine?’
‘Because your room is full of stuffed pink pussy-cats and other miscellaneous junk! That’s why. It’s enough to put a man off!’
‘Man? What man? I don’t see a real man anywhere…’
As she giggled and move towards the door, Jack said 'Hang on a minute. Here, you'd better take these and put them somewhere safe,' handing her a bulky envelope.
'Oh, whatever is it?'
'Would you believe, it’s two hundred and fifty, one-dollar scratch lottery tickets - not that I think you're going to get bored up there! It's just that they do say, don't they, that 'Winners Are Grinners'. I just want to prove it,' he said. 'We haven't grinned much since we won the money, have we? I did so like to see you smile when you had a little win, now and again, on the scratch-lottery-tickets.'
'Oh, Jack, but what about if we should have a big win,' Helen said, fearfully. 'What then? How would we handle it?'
'Ah! Next time, we'll have had the benefit of experience and we wouldn't make the same mistakes twice, would we? Besides, I couldn't fit another thing in my wardrobe, could you... in yours?'
'No. I think I'll have to chuck some of that stuff out. Hey! We could take some of that gear with us, to the Sally Army, eh? My surplus stuff and yours!'
'Sure. Now, you know that bit about 'Winners Are Grinners'? Well, I don't know if you've noticed, but I'm grinning already!’ He smacked her on the backside and said ‘Now get up them stairs.'