the course that way. My plan is to take thefirst three, the 11th, and the 14th--you understand, Nobbs?--(_slowlyand emphatically_) the first three, the 11th, and the 14th.
_Inoffensive Stranger._ Yes?
_Second M._ (_quickly_). And leave 'em as they are. Leave 'em justexactly as they are. Then you do away with the next, make the 3rd intothe 7th, and----
_I.S._ (_horribly confused_). But----
_Third M._ Yes, I know--you're thinking of the crossing from the 14th.And you're perfectly right. Simply fatal, that would be; too dangerousaltogether. What we really want is a 2nd hole, and my plan would make asplendid one--really sporting, and giving these gentlemen who fancytheir play a bit to do.
_Second M._ Don't know about _that_. Tried that patent 2nd hole of yoursthis morning out of curiosity. Holed it with my third, and might havedone it in two, with a bit of luck.
_Third M._ (_whistles expressively_). Oh, _come_! Splendid player youare, and all that--handicap's fifteen, isn't it?--but there aren't_many_ of us who would stand here and say calmly that we'd done a holeof 420 yards in three! _Really_, you know----
_Second M._ 420 yards? 130, you mean.
_Third M._ (_defiantly_). 420, if an inch.
_Second M._ But look here, you told me yourself only yesterday----
_Third M._ (_slightly taken aback_). Oh, ah, yes. I understand now. I_did_ think, at one time, of making the 2nd a short hole. But this isquite a different idea. Miles better, in fact. It flashed across mequite suddenly at dinner-time last night. Sort of inspiration--kind ofthing you can't account for--but there it _is_, you see.
_Fourth M._ Well, what you fellows can argue about like this beats mealtogether. There's only one _possible_ way of improving the course, andI showed you the plan of it last week. It won't be adopted--not likely.So good, and simple, and inexpensive that the committee won't look atit. Couldn't expect anything else. Anyhow (_with an air of unappreciatedheroism_)--I've done _my_ best for the club!
(_Sighs heavily, and picks up a newspaper._)
_Fifth M._ (_brutally_). Oh, _we_ know all about that blessed plan ofyours. Now, I'm open to conviction. Mind you, I don't condemn anybodyelse's scheme. All that _I_ say is, that if a man doesn't see that myplan is the best, he's a dunder-headed jackass, and that's all about it.What do _you_ think, Mr. Nobbs?
_I.S._ (_rather nervously_). Well, really--I hardly know--perhaps----
_First M._ (_compassionately_). Ah, it's those whins below the 17th thatare bothering _you_. But if you exchange the 8th and the 10th----
_Second M._ (_abruptly_). Rot!
(_The battle continues. The_ Inoffensive Stranger _stealthilywithdraws._ (_Curtain._))
Punch]
* * * * *
A TOWN MOUSE
_Jones._ "Well, my little man, what are _you_ thinking about?"
_London Boy_ (_who has never been out of Whitechapel before_). "I'mthinkin' it's time yer mother put yer into _trousers_!"]
* * * * *
A MARTYR TO APPEARANCES
_Young Lady._ "I say, caddie, what _does_ Mr. McFadjock do with allthese clubs?"
_Caddie (wofully preparing to follow his tyrant)._ "He makes me carrythem!"]
* * * * *
LINK(S)ED SWEETNESS
_The Real Caddie_ (_audibly_). "This club is going to ruin--allowing allthese ladies to join!"
_Miss Sharp._ "They evidently can't get gentlemen!"]
* * * * *
_Sanguine Golfer._ "Is that on the 'carpet,' caddie?"
_Caddie_ (_as the ball swerves into cottage window_). "Yus, sir; frontparlour, sir!"]
* * * * *
THE OLD TYPE OF LINK MAN.
Supper time.]
* * * * *
THE NEW TYPE OF LINK MAN.
Tee time.]
* * * * *
"A THREE-CARD LAY"
Long ago in Sweet September, Oh! the day I well remember, I was playing on the Links against the winsomest of maids; In a "cup" my ball was lying, And the "divots" round were flying, And with eyes-a-dance she said to me, "Your iron's the King of Spades!"
Now a foe, on such occasion, Of the feminine persuasion, Fair and twenty to the game a sort of subtlety imparts; And I felt its potent glamour, And I answered with a stammer Shy and nervous, "It was rash of me to play the Queen of Hearts!"
Any further explanation Of my inward admiration Very likely had exposed me to the deadliest of snubs! But a snigger from behind me Just in time came to remind me Of the presence of my caddie--and I blessed the Knave of Clubs!
* * * * *
GLORIOUS UNCERTAINTY
SCENE--_At the Golf Club._
_She._ "Good-bye, Major. What's the programme for to-morrow?"
_The Major._ "Oh, either skating or punting, according to theweather."]
* * * * *
GOLF AND GOOD FORM
(_By the Expert Wrinkler_)
Is it good form to golf? That is a question I have been so repeatedlyasked of late by correspondents that I can no longer postpone my answer.Now to begin with, I fear there is no doubt that golf is a little on thedown grade--socially. Golf is no longer the monopoly of the best set,and I am told that artisans' clubs have actually been started in certaindistricts. The other day, as I was travelling in Lancashire, a man inthe same compartment--with the most shockingly ill-cut trousers I eversaw--said to a friend, "I like 'Oylake, it's 'ealthy, and it's 'andy andwithin 'ail of 'ome." And it turned out that the chief attraction to himat Hoylake was the golf. Such an incident as this speaks volumes. But Ialways try to see both sides of every question, and there isunquestionably a great deal to be said in favour of golf. It wasundoubtedly played by kings in the past, and at the present moment ispatronised by grand dukes, dukes, peers and premiers.
* * * * *
BETWEEN FRIENDS.--_Mr. Spooner, Q.C._ (_a Neophyte_). "This is my ball,I think?" _Colonel Bunting_ (_an adept_). "By Jove, that's a jolly good'lie'!" _Mr. Spooner._ "Really, Bunting, we're very old friends, ofcourse. But I do think you might find a pleasanter way of pointing outa perfectly unintentional mistake!"]
* * * * *
GOLF AND DRESS.
But the real and abiding attraction of golf is that it mercifully givesmore opportunities to the dressy man than any other pastime. Footballand cricket reduce everyone to a dead level in dress, but in golf thereis any amount of scope for individuality in costume. Take the case ofcolour alone. The other day at Finsbury Park station I met a friend onhis way home from a day's golfing, and I noticed that he was sportingthe colours of no fewer than five different clubs. On his cap was thebadge of the Camberwell Crusaders; his tie proved his membership of theBickley Authentics; his blazer was that of the Tulse Hill Nondescripts;his brass waistcoat buttons bore the monogram of the Gipsy Hill Zingari;the roll of his knickerbocker stockings was embroidered with the crestof the Kilburn Incogs. The effect of the whole was, if I may be allowedthe word, spicy in the extreme. Of course it is not everyone who cancarry off such a combination, or who can afford to belong to so manyfirst-class clubs. But my friend is a very handsome man, and has ahandicap of _plus_ two at Tooting Bec.
KNICKERBOCKERS OR TROUSERS.
The burning question which divides golfers into two hostile camps is thechoice between knickerbockers and trousers. Personally I favour thelatter, but it is only right to explain that ever since I was gaffed inthe leg by my friend Viscount ---- when out cub-sticking with theCottesmore I have never donned knickers again. To a man with a reallywell-turned calf and neat ankles I should say, wear knickerbockerswhenever you get a chance. The late Lord Septimus Boulger, who had
verythick legs, and calves that seemed to begin just above the ankles, usedto wear knickerbockers because he said it put his opponent off his play.If I may say so without offence, he was a real funny chap, though acareless dresser, and I am told that his father, old Lord Spalding, hasnever been the same man since his death.
STOCKINGS AND CALVES.
Another advantage of knickerbockers is the scope they afford for thedisplay of stylish stockings. A very good effect is produced by having alittle red tuft, which should appear under the roll which surmounts thecalf. The roll itself, which should always have a smart pattern, is veryuseful in conveying the impression that the calf is more fully developedthan it really is. I noticed the other day at Hanger Hill that SirArlington Ball was playing in a pair of very