DEDICATION
To Henry V Santiago Wolfe.
My favorite Hank ever!
—O.S.
CONTENTS
Dedication
Chapter One: Getting Squiddy With It
Chapter Two: Snack Pack
Chapter Three: Bunny Island
Chapter Four: Bike Ride of Doom
Chapter Five: Just Like I Thunk, No Unk
Chapter Six: A Pounding on The Glass
Chapter Seven: Sidekicks and Unlocked Doors
Chapter Eight: Question Everything and Everyone
Chapter Nine: Blurry Thoughts at the Clearing
Chapter Ten: The Sneaky Carrot Thief
Chapter Eleven: A Muddy Message
Chapter Twelve: Rooting for Root Vegetables
Chapter Thirteen: Blend for Your Life
Chapter Fourteen: Coming Through Loud and Fear
Chapter Fifteen: The Lost Bunnies
Chapter Sixteen: Called to the Mall
Chapter Seventeen: The Tan Man’s Plan
Chapter Eighteen: A Crumble Rumble
Chapter Nineteen: Uncle
Chapter Twenty: From Stinky to Inky
Chapter Twenty-One: Awkward
Back Ad
About the Author
About the Artist
Credits
Copyright
About the Publisher
CHAPTER ONE
GETTING SQUIDDY WITH IT
The noise was loud enough to make me jump with fright. Something was tapping against my window, and that something didn’t sound human.
“Newts!”
I slid my comic book under my pillow and quickly hopped off my bed.
There was no time to waste. I needed to act fast. Like Admiral Uli says, “Always wear pants, and always be prepared.” Well, I was currently wearing pajama pants, but I wasn’t prepared. For all I knew, a great newt storm was blowing my way right this second.
I took off my ocean-blue Admiral Uli reading glasses and slipped on a mask I’d made out of an old leather glove and two rubber bands. Looking through the mask’s fingers, I scanned my room. If only I had a proper ink blaster. Or my arms and legs were covered in suction cups. Not being a real squid, I was really at a disadvantage.
“Suction power!” I hollered, using my best Admiral Uli voice, which probably doesn’t sound exactly like Admiral Uli. In fact, it kind of sounds like my neighbor with the high-pitched voice, who’s always yelling at his cat.
The tapping grew louder, and I must admit, I screamed quite a bit.
The weather in Ohio isn’t great to begin with, and now I was pretty sure the skies were dropping newt bombs. Thousands of newts were raining down on my house. Not normal newts, but the shifty, slimy, trench coat–wearing, devious, quasi-amphibian villains that are under the command of their nefarious leader, Figgy Newton. They drop from rain clouds or emerge from freshwater to cause trouble all over the world, especially for ocean dwellers like Admiral Uli.
I admit I was scared, but in the words of Admiral Uli, “When things look as dark as ink, always suck it up and get kraken.”
Sure enough, just when I needed it most, I spotted a source of protection: my Admiral Uli Super-Sucking Tentacle Laser-Light Tube. I plugged it in and all the lights in the room flickered once. Then, with a loud snap, everything went completely dark. And in case you didn’t know, completely dark is exactly how evil newts like it.
I might have screamed louder than before.
My dad came running down the hall. I guessed he wasn’t very happy about having the power go out when he was using the bathroom. He also probably didn’t like me screaming in the house. He pushed opened my bedroom door, and, even with no lights on, I thought I saw steam coming from his ears and off his bald head.
“Perry, are you okay?”
“I’m fine, but the world might be in peril,” I said.
“The world’s not in peril, buddy. Your toy tube blew a fuse again.”
“You’re not squidding. And we have bigger problems than that, because newts like it dark!”
My dad slapped his own forehead. He didn’t always understand what I did or why I did it. “And you’re wearing your mask again.”
“Of course,” I said. “These are dangerous times. A storm like you’ve never seen is blowing in.”
“It’s the beginning of summer, Perry, and the weather’s nice.”
My dad made his way to the window and threw open the curtains. The sun was rising in a blue sky dotted with small white clouds, and a tree branch lightly tapped against the glass. “See?” he said. “No peril. We’re completely safe for the moment.”
I love my dad, but he just didn’t get me sometimes. I wished my uncle Zeke were here. He’d understand. Zeke is the greatest! He lives a long way from Ohio on a place called Bunny Island. He knows all about important things, like the United Squid Order and nefarious newts who are determined to destroy the oceans by removing all the salt. My uncle is also the one who sends me the copies of Ocean Blasterzoids. The series has been out of print for a long time, but Zeke has them all, and he mails me one every month without fail.
“I’m worried about you, Perry,” my dad said. “You’re cooped up in here all day. Kids need adventures. Sun, fresh air, scraped knees. You should go outside and play.”
“No way! I’m not going outside,” I informed him. “I don’t trust nature. What if the newt-nado strikes?”
My dad didn’t seem to want to hear anything about any kind of “nado.” School had been out for one week, and I had already blown three fuses. He told me to sit in front of my window so that I’d get some sunshine. I was okay with that, seeing how newts hate the light.
My dad went to the basement to fix the breaker.
As I was staring out the window, my best friend, Ryan, pulled up to the house. I couldn’t believe it! I had forgotten that he might show up today. I waved, but he didn’t wave back. He probably couldn’t see me. He got out of a van and walked up our sidewalk. I ran from my room and opened the door just as Ryan rang the bell.
“Hello, Ryan!” I said.
Ryan pretended to sigh and then tried to hand me a wide orange envelope.
I should probably mention that Ryan is not only my best friend, he is also a driver for the UPP delivery company. He comes to my house once a month to deliver the latest comic from my uncle. I looked at the envelope and smiled at Ryan.
“Hello, Best Friend,” I said, staring at him between the fingers of my mask.
“Look, kid, I’m not really your best friend. I’m the delivery guy.”
“That’s what you always say, but I know you’re joking.” He didn’t laugh with me. “You’re joking, right?”
“Please, just take the envelope,” he said.
“Any sign of newts out there?” I asked. Sometimes changing the subject can be helpful when things are getting awkward. “Big ones, wearing trench coats?”
“I have no idea what you’re talking about, kid. Please take the envelope.”
“I’m just worried about your safety,” I explained. “I can’t have my friends in danger.”
“Once again, we’re not friends. Here.”
Ryan dropped the orange envelope and turned to walk away. It wasn’t unusual for Ryan to be moody, so I forgave him. But not for the first time, I wondered whether it might be nice to have friends who were actually friendly.
I ran to my room and fell on my bed. Down in the basement, I could hear my dad struggling to get the lights back on and using words that I probably shouldn’t repeat. Luckily, the open curtains in my room let in enough light for me to see.
I carefully pried up the edge of the envelope. Slowly, like I was pulling a hot personal pizza from the oven, I pu
lled out the comic book. I couldn’t believe my eyes. Instead of it being the next issue, it was a special edition of Ocean Blasterzoids.
“Salt Wars.” I was breathless.
There had only been a few of these printed. I knew my uncle had one, but he had never let me see it. Now here it was in my own hands. The story of how Uli grew up and was betrayed in the early salt wars.
My uncle had shown great trust in me by sending this. Uncle Zeke always treated me more like an adult squid than a little kid.
The cover of the special edition showed Admiral Uli standing at attention. His two steel-tipped tentacles were coiled up into metal fists. In his third arm he was gripping his ink blaster, and in his fourth, a small net. I triumphantly held the comic book above my head.
At that exact second, the lights in our house came back on.
It was like a comic book miracle. As I was lowering the issue, a small piece of paper slipped from the pages and drifted to the ground.
“Great inky beak,” I whispered, using one of Admiral Uli’s many useful catchphrases.
I picked up the little white piece of paper. On one side it was blank, but as I flipped it over, I gasped. There, scratched on the back in jagged letters, was one single word. It was written in another language, but I’ll translate:
HELP
I gulped. This was bad. Uncle Zeke was in trouble.
CHAPTER TWO
SNACK PACK
I didn’t know what to do. It’s not like I could just show the note to my dad. First off, he wouldn’t understand it, seeing how it’s written in Admiral Uli’s home language, Cephalopodian. That’s a long word I know, but it’s what everyone speaks in Cephalopodia, one of the great nations beneath the sea. It’s also the language that my uncle Zeke and I learned so that we could be more like our hero.
Oh, I just remembered a joke my uncle told me the last time we talked on the phone. He said, “Ooit diven doo sqawtle pip.”
And I had answered, “Wip ta.”
It was hilarious. Trust me, you’d be laughing so hard right now if you spoke Cephalopodian.
Of course, most of the kids at my school don’t know or appreciate Ocean Blasterzoids, and they certainly don’t care where Admiral Uli lives. In fact, Matt Blip, a fellow fifth grader who has tiny teeth and big ears, once told me how he thought Ocean Blasterzoids was for nerds. Then he gave me a circus wedgie—which is like a regular wedgie except after they pull up your underwear they swing you by it like you’re on a trapeze, while making circus-music noises.
I don’t care for Matt Blip.
I do like my uncle Zeke though. He believes in the newt threat, and we promised each other that if either of us were ever in trouble we would let the other one know. Now he had sent me a cry for help!
I flipped through the comic book again to see if there were any other clues. There were! Chewed into the last page were three letters even more frightening than the note:
MEL
Yeah, I was pretty shocked, too.
Every wannabe squid worth his weight knows that the Cephalopodian word for newt is “mel.”
It was now perfectly clear what had happened: my uncle had been overtaken by newts, and I was his only hope. I was scared for him, but happy that he believed in me enough to send the signal. I also knew there wasn’t much time. Newts were notorious for taking prisoners and then getting rid of them when they grew bored. And because of their small brains, newts grew bored quickly.
I wanted to tell my dad what was happening, but after he got the lights working again he went back into the bathroom. Plus, even though his brother, Uncle Zeke, was a believer, my dad wasn’t. He didn’t like comic books. He liked boring things like working as a fact checker for an insurance company and gardening. I think he secretly wished he was a farmer. His favorite magazine (the one he was probably reading in the bathroom right now) is called Let’s Talk Wheat. Who in their right mind wants to talk wheat?
He also loves The Old Farmer’s Almanac, which is a book that tells you everything you need to know about farming. But he doesn’t just use it for farm advice, he uses it to help him be a better dad. Last week he brought me a glass of water while I was watching TV because he was reading about the dangers of inconsistent watering. He’s always looking out for me, but he really has a hard time knowing what to do sometimes. That’s why there was no way I could drag him into this. Besides, something in my shaking body knew that this was a task I needed to do by myself. Sure, I’m just a kid, but I know more about newts and their evil ways than almost anyone. I would have much more luck saving my uncle if I was on the case without my dad. Of course, I couldn’t help from here in Ohio, which meant I was going to have to leave the comfort of my home and my computer and my room and my TV and travel to Bunny Island.
I shivered just thinking about it.
“What would Admiral Uli do?” I whispered, trying to sound brave.
I could almost hear the admiral whisper back, “When the danger is great, swim with speed, and don’t pee in the ocean.”
I could be brave. Uncle Zeke needed me, and there was no way I was going to let him down. It was important that I swam or moved as quickly as possible. I ran to the bathroom and pounded on the door.
“Occupied!” my dad yelled.
“It’s an emergency,” I yelled back.
I heard him using a few salty words, followed by the sound of the toilet flushing. The door opened and he stared down at me while holding a copy of Amazing Grains magazine under his right arm.
“You’re still wearing your mask,” he said.
“Thanks for noticing,” I replied. “But no time for compliments. Uncle Zeke wants me to come visit him.”
“He does?” my dad asked. “That’s nice, but does he know you barely leave your room?”
“Yes, but I told him I would.”
“You did?” My dad coughed for a few moments before he added, “But Bunny Island is . . . well, it’s supposed to be kind of an odd place.”
“Odd how?” I asked.
“I’ve never been, but Zeke says it’s filled with bunnies and health food and grass and nature. What about your allergies?”
“I think there are worse problems in this world than allergies, Dad. I’ll be okay.”
“But, Perry, I don’t understand. You hate fresh air and sunshine.”
“I’ve changed.”
Everything I was saying was untrue. I don’t like nature, and I don’t like lying to my dad, but Uncle Zeke was in trouble.
“It does sound like fun, kiddo,” he said seriously. “But I’m afraid I can’t get the time off work.”
“I could go by myself,” I suggested.
“What? You’d go by yourself?”
I nodded. Yes, I was a little terrified by the thought of leaving my house and going it alone. There would be newts out there for sure, and sometimes newts try to pass as regular people, which can be confusing, not to mention terrifying. Still, I knew flying to Bunny Island alone was what I needed to do.
“This sounds like an amazing adventure for you, Perry. How long would you be gone?”
“I’m not sure,” I said. “Maybe two weeks?”
My dad was always talking about how important adventure was to a young boy. He picked up the almanac and flipped through it, looking for advice that might have to do with his son going off to a faraway island by himself. “You know, I’ve been reading about the benefits of crop rotation. Young shoots do need a wide variety of nutrients, and you’re a young shoot,” he said. “Maybe it would be wise for you to spend some time on different soil. And who knows, I suppose you could be a real pick-me-up to your uncle.”
“I’m too big to pick up.”
My dad ignored my comment. “Of course, I don’t know what I’d do without you. When did your uncle say you should come?”
“As soon as possible.”
“I’d miss you, but it would be the trip of a lifetime. Would you actually spend time outdoors? Do you think you’d run on th
e beach and climb trees?”
“Who knows what the future will bring? But I’ve never seen the actual sea before. I’ve always been stuck here with newt-filled freshwater lakes and rivers.”
“Well, then this needs to happen.”
My dad dropped his almanac and ran to his computer. I remained standing where I was, wondering if I was doing the right thing. I knew my uncle needed me. I just hoped I was brave enough to go through with this.
Not finding what he needed on the computer, my dad called the airport. I could hear him asking some questions. Then he put his hand over the bottom part of the phone and turned to me. “The only flight going to Bunny Island this week leaves in less than two hours, and there’s just one seat left!”
“Two hours?” I asked as I walked over to him.
“You should wait a week,” my father suggested. “We can prepare and—”
“I can’t wait that long,” I interrupted. “I think Uncle Zeke needs . . . wants me to come as soon as possible.”
“Really? Well, the airport is practically next door,” my dad reminded me. “And if you make the flight, you’d be on Bunny Island by late afternoon.”
“Then we should move,” I said excitedly.
My dad looked like he was about to reach for the almanac to seek advice, but instead he put his hand on my shoulder and smiled.
“Perry,” he said seriously. “Those trees on Bunny Island aren’t going to climb themselves. Let’s get you to the airport.”
I don’t normally like being rushed into things, but my uncle was in trouble, and there wasn’t a second to waste. I looked at my dad and nodded like a brave and noble squid.
My dad removed his hand from the mouthpiece of the receiver and told the airport person that we wanted the ticket. He gave some additional information and then hung up. “Shake the wheat out, Perry, we need to hurry!”
“I’ll go pack,” I said.
“That should be easy.” He jumped up. “Just throw all the clothes from your dresser into a couple of suitcases. I’ll help.”
“That’s okay,” I said, thinking of a few extra items I’d need. “You go start the car. I’ll take care of it.”