And I just can’t handle all this pressure anymore. There’s too much pressure on my chest weighing me down.
CHAPTER 18
Looking around my garage I'm disgusted. Everything is all messy. There is stuff everywhere and I hate it. It's all so messy, I feel like I'm messy.
But He never came back...
I don't understand what I'm doing and I don't understand what I've done. What have I become? What did I do wrong?
But He never came back...
I no longer live a half-life. I am fully alive with a large life surrounding me. I am alive and happy.
But He never came back…
*****
Why do I feel like this? What's wrong with me? Everything hurts and yet I feel nothing.
Oh god, I miss Him. Where are you? What are you doing?
Crying out, I can't seem to stop myself. Where did you go?
No, that’s not fair. I made Him leave. I made Him go. I did this.
Oh god… I miss you.
Where are you?
I can’t believe He left. I can't believe He actually left me. Sobbing, I can't seem to stop myself but I know I'm not making sense. I KNOW it, but it just doesn't feel right to me. I made Him leave me, but He left me. Why?
No. No, no, no. I needed Him to leave me because I wanted a good life. And I have a good life, I know I do. Oh, god. What is my life?
I can't breathe...
Pulling and tugging at my collar, I rip my sweater off but I still can't breathe. Tugging and pulling at my collar, I rip my t-shirt off but I still can't breathe. Everything hurts. And my chest is so tight.
Pulling and tugging, I rip my bra off, and I inhale as deep as my lungs will allow. Why can't I breathe right anymore?
Rounding my spine, holding my knees, rocking back and forth, I can finally breathe a little.
Please. Please make this stop.
Why did you leave me?
Reaching, I crawl across the floor and grab for a smoke, I light up with shaking hands and wait for the peace to envelop me. Waiting, I wipe my face of tears and breathe in deep my nicotine dream. Waiting, I need the peace to take me. I need to remember to breathe.
Why did you leave me?
Crying and begging, I feel nothing but His loss in this moment. Where are you now? Do you love someone? Are you happy with someone else?
I can't seem to fight this desperation. I need to know. I need answers. I don't know, but I need to know if He loves someone else. Why? What does it matter?
He left me because I asked Him to go.
He left me because I told Him to go.
He left me because I wanted Him to go.
Why? Why did He leave me?
.
… OF THE END
CHAPTER 19
Freezing, sitting in my garage I remember that time so clearly. I remember how cold I was all the time. Even in the summer I froze. It's like my skin had a layer of ice underneath and I could never get warm. In the shower I warmed until the second I got out and then my body froze to the core once again.
For years, Patrick used to make jokes and poke fun at me, lightly of course, about me being a cold hearted bitch. He would wrap a blanket around me and rub my arms briskly to try to warm me up when I shivered. He would crank the heat, even in May so I could get a little warmth into my skin. Once he even joked that I must love seeing him all hot and sweaty and that's why I insisted on blasting space heaters in my apartment.
But I didn't. I was just cold. Always. My body froze, no matter how hot the outside temperature or the temperature inside, it didn’t matter, I was always cold.
I remember finding out years later I was always anemic and I also had Raynaud's phenomenon, which caused me to be cold. Learning I wasn't suffering from coldness because I was emotionally unstable was helpful. Learning I was actually cold and it wasn't just my imagination or because I was dead inside made me feel remarkably better. I actually didn't produce enough red blood cells to warm me, so I was emotionally okay- just physically cold.
Like right now. I'm freezing. Well, actually I am outside in the garage and it is late fall and I’m barely dressed, but still... I'm freezing. But it's not my fault and it's not my imagination- I have an ailment that makes me cold. I have chronic anemia which may have even caused the miscarriage as some suspect. I don't know. I just know I freeze all the time.
*****
2 weeks after He left me, on the second Saturday of September, I received a call from Alexander Hamilton.
The University summer break was over and classes were to commence on Monday. After exiting a midday shower, I saw the blinking light and I knew it was Alex. I just knew. And I couldn't believe he still cared enough to call.
My absence from the world had been thorough. I had spoken to my mother once and lied about everything going on in my life. I told her the summer session of school was fine, and I was fine. I had pretended I was University attending Sadie, when in reality I was next to nothing Sadie. I blew off anyone and everyone including Dr. Synode. I became a ghost in my city, a ghost to my parents, and a ghost in the world.
I was lucky my student loans covered my summer session. So when I lost my mind, I called in and withdrew from my classes, and that withdrawal afforded me a credit into my bank account in which to live on over my summer of mental and physical vacancy. And though I knew I'd have to pay back those summer session loans one day, it wasn't then, so I was okay. One day the weight of my excessive student loans would crush me, but it wasn't that particular summer. Therefore, after my withdrawal I had enough money to stay in my apartment for 2 months, paid in full, with nothing to do but ghost about my life while I tried to figure out my reality.
10 minutes after his call, I was tightly wound when I pressed play on my machine. I didn't want Alex to be mean, but I also understood he was a twenty four year old guy who kissed a girl who vanished on him. I understood he was probably angry, and likely to tell me to piss off. I understood he was likely telling me to leave him alone, though admittedly I really didn't want that. I didn't know what I wanted, but I knew I wanted Alexander Hamilton’s light and ease in my life, in some small way.
So sitting on my couch, I leaned over, prepared myself mentally, and pressed play.
“Hi Sadie. I'm not sure what's going on, or if you're coming back to school, but I wanted to say hello and check up on you. I promised I wouldn't call again and I didn't, but schools starting up and I had hoped you would be attending this year. You're so smart, and I would hate for you to tank your University studies. Plus, I miss walking with you. If nothing else, could you call me back and let me know you're okay. I just want to know you're okay, even if you don't want to be my friend anymore. That's all, I promise. Um, I'll wait for your call.”
Listening to his message over and over again I was truly surprised by the relief I felt hearing his voice. Alex seemed so sincere, and kind. He wasn't pushy or demanding, and he didn't stress me out. He seemed like just a nice guy, and I found myself wanting just a nice guy in my life.
Bracing myself, I pulled my wet hair from the towel, put on my housecoat, and lit a smoke. With shaking hands, I eventually dialed the phone number I had never forgotten.
Waiting out 2 rings, Alexander answered the phone a little breathless, like maybe he had run for the phone.
“Hello?”
“Hi. I'm okay,” I breathed huskily. But my nerves were shot, and I felt almost nauseous with my anxiety.
“Hi, Sadie. Thanks for calling.”
“You're welcome.” And then we suffered an awkward silence.
“Are you going back to school on Monday?”
“I'm enrolled.”
“That's good. When is your first class?”
“Tuesday afternoon.” And then we suffered another awkward silence. Maybe it would help if I gave proper answers versus the bare minimum I replied.
“I'm going to be there Tuesday. Would you like me to meet you in the parking lot?” Would I? Yes. I realiz
ed I did actually want to see him. Well, more I wanted to hear him speak, but that required seeing him, so I guess I did want him to meet me.
“Yes, thank you. I should be there at 2:45, for my 3:00 tutorial.”
“Okay. I'll see you then.” And then we suffered a not so awkward silence while I figured out what to say next.
“I'm just going to walk you to class, and I promise not to kiss you. Kissing you, though great for me, turned you into a mess which was pretty hard on my ego, so no more kisses for you. Okay? Really, I am NOT going to kiss you, so don't even ask me to. I mean it, Sadie. Even if you beg me, I'm not kissing you, so forget it.” And I could hear the humor in his voice. I knew he was being playful, and I realized he didn't resent me, or think I was a jerk. I realized he wasn't going to tell me to piss off, and he wasn't angry with me. And amazingly, I felt relief.
“Fine, Alexander. I'll try not to beg you to kiss me,” I teased back. “I'll see you Tuesday. And thank you.”
“You're welcome. Take care, Sadie.”
And when he hung up, I felt okay. It was so strange for me to feel okay. I didn't crave Alexander like I did my stranger, and I didn't ache for him like I ached for my lover, but I did like him, and I did like listening to him speak to me.
Alexander seemed like such a plain, straightforward good guy, and for that I was grateful. I needed a little straightforwardness in my life. I needed to not want, and fear, and crave, and obsess any longer. I needed to move past my years of waiting. I needed to let my stranger go. But not to be replaced with Alex- far from it.
I needed to let my stranger go for me, because ghosting through life was killing me, and I was smart enough to know it. There was a reason I hadn't visited or been visited by my parents in months. There was a reason I hadn't left my apartment in months. There was a reason I closed myself off from humanity. I pulled away from everyone because I looked like death, and I didn't want to look like death anymore.
So I spent the next 3 days trying. I felt terrible; all weak and exhausted. I know I looked like a victim of some horrific illness, but I tried. For 3 days I ate and drank coffee, I tried to smoke less, and I didn't have anything to drink, at all. Every time I thought of alcohol, I made myself have a coffee or apple juice instead. I did everything I could to avoid being pulled back into my despair.
Struggling, I fought the anxiety that threatened to keep me in my apartment on Tuesday. I was neurotic, insecure, and socially awkward to say the least, and the thought of being surrounded by students everywhere scared the hell out of me. I was scared, and this fear made it harder not to drink, but I didn't. I was petrified of all the noise in the halls, and on campus, and throughout the lectures. I knew there would be people everywhere, and because I hadn't had any human contact in so long, I was struggling with copping out and staying home.
And I honestly wanted to. Staying home felt like the best thing I could do, but I wouldn't. I had decided I was tired of ghosting through life so I had to make myself attend school because I no longer wanted to be a ghost.
So 3 days later, on Tuesday afternoon I found myself smoking back to back waiting in my car until I was finally able to turn on the ignition and make myself move. And it only took an hour and a half. Honestly. An hour and a half of sitting in my car, nauseous from chain smoking, shaking, and fighting my nerves, until I was finally ready to drive to school.
Arriving at 4:15, I actually laughed at myself when I pulled up. My class ended at 4:30, so my first intro class was pointless, but I made it to school. I was actually at my campus, sitting in the parking lot, laughing at myself for working up the nerve to get there, but then being too late to actually attend my class.
Lighting a victory smoke and exhaling through the cracked window, I startled when Alexander suddenly knocked gently on my window. And I knew he was gentle, but the noise seemed so loud in my deathly quiet. Checking the lock on my door again quickly, Alex smiled at me. He didn't look offended and he wasn't angry with me for making sure the door was locked. Instead he hunched down and rested his arms against my window, smiling.
And I was relieved again. Alexander's smile made me relax. He was smiling and waiting for me to calm down. He was waiting on me. Without asking a thing, or trying to force his way into my car, he just hunched down and smiled as he waited for me to get a grip.
As we each waited in silence, I looked at Alexander and I felt calm wash over me.
Alex was very good looking, with tanned skin, and brown hair, and with lovely blue eyes. He was so good looking on the surface, but it was his voice and his kindness that calmed me. Alexander would smile and speak to me, and everything dark seemed to fade away for me.
Looking at Alexander waiting for me calmly, I decided to act. I rolled down my window halfway and finally tried to speak. Embarrassed, all I had was a ‘hi’ and a blush until he took over.
“You did well, Sadie. I knew you would show up... eventually.” And smiling again, I couldn't help my grin.
“Sorry I'm late. I tried...” I mumbled.
“Better late than never. Do you want to just walk to your class so you get the feel of it? Obviously, you're too late to attend, but you might like to walk to class anyway.”
“Do you mind?”
“Not at all. I'm done for the day, so I have nothing I'd rather do. Are you ready?”
“Yes...” and I was. I wanted to get out of my smoky car, and I wanted to walk beside Alexander again. I wanted to hear him speak, and I wanted to join the land of the living again.
Standing up, Alexander actually asked, 'may I?' before attempting to open my door, and I appreciated his patience. I didn't want to feel rushed, and I didn't want to feel overwhelmed. It seems so stupid to me now, but getting out of my car was this hugely monumental event for me. But I did it.
Taking a big breath after grabbing my purse, I unlocked and opened my door as I inhaled the summer campus air into my lungs. I had forgotten what summer air felt like, and I couldn't believe how warm I felt immediately. It was nice to be warm. It felt amazing to be warmed by the air for the first time in months.
Standing, I waited for something, anything, but nothing came. Treating me like some wounded animal, Alexander waited for me to proceed. Walking forward, he walked beside me, not touching me or even invading my personal space. He walked beside me until eventually he began speaking.
As if nothing was strange and my behavior was normal, Alexander began speaking about his classes, and the campus, and the improvements which were made, and about anything, and nothing at all. He spoke, but not obnoxiously, and not about himself ad nauseum. He spoke and I listened to the soothing, warming sound of his voice as I made my way to my potential classroom, turned around, and walked back to my car.
Even when others students, friends of Alexander’s approached him and I tensed up, he gave curt little nods, or simple smiles of greeting, but he never left my side, and he never engaged anyone else, but me.
When we found ourselves standing beside my car again, I remember thinking, oh god, please don't do anything stupid, Alex. Please. But I shouldn't have worried. He did nothing stupid, or wrong. Actually, he did nothing- which was exactly what I needed.
Opening my car door, I felt awkward for a moment until Alex asked if he could walk me to my class the next day. Smiling at me he waited until I was in my car, then as I rolled down the window he sat right back down on his haunches and waited. With a look that screamed friendly and safe, Alexander waited for my answer.
Looking closely at him, I replied, “Yes, please. I would like to walk with you,” and I meant it. I would like to walk with Alexander Hamilton.
“Okay. Same time tomorrow?”
“No. My first class starts at 11:00 tomorrow but I'll try to be on time.” And I knew I would try harder.
“Sadie, just try. I don't care if you're late. We can always ask someone for the intro notes, or you could even ask the Professor. Just do what you can and I'll be here waiting, okay?”
“Okay.
Thank you, Alex. I'll see you tomorrow.” And I knew I would.
Starting my car, Alex stood back up beside me and smiled as I began reversing from my spot. Waiting, he stood still until I drove away and then he waved at me. Seeing him in my review mirror I felt happy as I left the campus to drive the few blocks back to my apartment.
When I finally arrived home and made my way inside my secured apartment, I actually allowed myself to smile and I felt good. I wasn’t quite giddy, but happy definitely. I felt alive-ish. I felt like I might want to try to walk with Alexander as often as possible. I felt something inside me.
So 2 hours after I returned home, I dialed his number. I couldn't believe I was doing it, but I made myself.
“Hello?”
“Hi. It's Sadie.”
“I know. How are you? Is everything okay?”
“Yes. I just wanted to thank you for walking me to class, and for waiting for me even though I was really late, and for not making me feel bad for being late, and for not commenting on how awful I look. And for being nice to me.”
“Wow. Slow down. I was happy to walk you to class. I don't care that you were late, just that you eventually made it. I didn't think you looked awful. And I like being nice to you. Okay?” Smiling in my living room, I murmured an 'okay', and suddenly felt pretty stupid.
Embarrassed, I continued speaking. “I'm sorry I sound so dumb, I just don't talk to many people, well anyone really, so I don't know how to talk to you. Um, I should go. I just wanted to thank you for walking me to class,” I spoke quickly and awkwardly.